The tears welled up in my eyes despite my best efforts, emotions choking my chest and threatening to stop me from breathing. I couldn’t make up my mind if I was angry, sad, heartbroken, or just downright stupid.
Sadly, I was anything and everything but numb. But I longed to deaden the feelings, to be oblivious and anaesthetised to the revelation, as I kept trying to drag my eyes from Captain Robert Haven’s, sorry Prince Robert Rothchester’s handsome face, and the perfectly attired, elegantly coiffured beauty at his side.
I suddenly felt more alone than I ever had done in my entire life, and I knew what an absolute fool I had been.
What an absolute fool he had taken me for.
For all my experiences in the camp, I was little prepared for this kind of thing. And it was becoming clear that I wasn’t going to be able to keep the brief romance we had shared, albeit so very briefly, tucked away in the little box in the back of mind that I had hoped it would remain in forever. There was definitely nothing temporary about the way I felt about him after all, as I felt my heart stutter and fracture again and again, in ragged shards and shattered hopes.
Well, it meant nothing now. I had always known that I would never see him again, there had been no illusions there at least. My life was in Chad, saving lives. Even without this unexpected revelation that he was who he was, I had known that.
He was a military man, one who would never be able to choose his next posting—and even if we had promised to stay in contact, which we hadn’t, any relationship would have been short-lived.
Now I knew how many more hurdles than I ever could have imagined lay in our way. His place was in highbrow settings that I could never even start to be at home in, attending events and being part of the most famous family in the world. I had nothing to offer a man like that, but I would always have the memory of being with a prince.
I would get over this, I told myself. I will! Hell, I had been through so much worse when my dad died, after all.
I took a couple of deep breaths and thrust the pathetic magazine into the net compartment on the back of the chair in front. My lovely steward was swaying past, and so I grabbed him.
“I need a bourbon, on the rocks. Hell, better make it a double.” He stared at me, making me wonder just how much of my shock and sadness showed on my face, but he nodded.
“I’ll be back in a few moments.”
He genuinely was only gone but a second or two. He plonked five little mini-bar bottles of Jack Daniels in front of me. “Don’t tell anyone, but they’re on me. You look like you’ve seen a ghost. Is anything wrong? Anything else I can do, other than supply you with alcohol, of course?” He knelt down by my seat.
I shook my head and sighed. He seemed genuinely concerned and I decided to share at least part of the burden.
“Just a man… it would appear he lied to me and I only found out. But don’t worry, I’ll get over it. These will help soothe the pain, and maybe help me sleep!” I joked weakly.
His big brown eyes looked at me intently, as if he understood exactly what it felt like to be lied to by a man. He probably did. He patted my hand.
“That’s the spirit. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on,” he whispered sharply.
The words and the gesture made me feel that at least somebody cared. I didn’t know how to thank him. He was a complete stranger, and yet he was prepared to take the time to listen to me. Unable to hold on to them any longer, the tears began to drip down over my cheeks. He took a small pack of tissues from his pocket and pulled one out. Dabbing gently at my eyes.
“Thank you,” I said.
“You’re welcome, now get some rest. I’m sure you’ll meet the man of your dreams soon enough. Now rest,” he said and dimmed the lighting above me.
I sipped at my drink and it really didn’t take long for the liquor to kick in, and I slept the last leg of my journey, all the way to Africa.
Once there, I didn’t have time to think about what I had found out as I was hustled across to the military airbase and shuttled out to the camp. Shane met me and I was surprised to see him back so soon. He usually left at least three months between visits. I tried to smile at the thought that he had moved heaven and earth so he could spend more time with Angel, but the thought of anyone else’s romance had me feeling jealous and bitter that the same hadn’t happened to me too.
“How was your flight?” I asked him politely.
“Nothing compared to the luxury we flew home in!” he grinned, clearly happy to see me. “I’ve never flown first class before. That was such a treat. I’m amazed that the charity could even consider spending funds that way, but I am certainly not going to complain about it. Makes you never want to fly business or coach ever again.”
“Indeed,” I agreed. “But it wasn’t the charity.”
The surprise upgrade to first class had indeed been a pleasure, we had been spoiled rotten all the way home. I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. It came out as a loud coughing choke. I would never again travel in such luxury, but the man who had made a fool of me, had lied to me and not cared that I would be bound to find out the truth at some point, he got to travel that way wherever he went I expected.
He raised an eyebrow then frowned. I told him what I knew, well, what I didn’t know and he shrugged it off.
“I guess it will just have to be a mystery, then.” He paused as he studied my face. “Are you okay?” His kind face looked full of concern for me.
“Just a little groggy, had a few too many on the flight. I’ll be my usual bubbly self again once I get a good night’s sleep.”
The last thing I wanted right now was anyone prying too closely. My tears on the plane showed me that I was still way too sensitive about all of this and I didn’t need the ribbing and drama-filled comments that were bound to come from Angel and Amy. They’d think it a hoot that I had finally let myself fall for someone, though I’m sure they would also be there to comfort me when I’d found out that he was about the most off limits man on the planet for the likes of me.
We were greeted at the airbase by both of them, and it surprised me, even more than seeing Shane, to see that Mark was driving the jeep that would take us back home.
“Technically I’m on leave,” he explained, turning over his shoulder to answer my unspoken question. “Figured you girls could use my skills better than anyone. I never know what to do with myself between postings, love my job too much. I’m no good at rest.”
I knew that was true, but the wink he gave Amy who was sat in the seat next to him told me there was a little more to it than that. Seemed I might have missed another budding relationship begin while I’d been lost in my own world, I thought.
Then there was Angel and Shane who were looking oddly awkward, but even I could see it was only because neither of them had ever been in a position like this. That they both liked one another was patently obvious. But neither was good at commitment, and this was looking a little serious.
I guessed they didn’t want to jinx it all, by being too obvious in public, at least until they had spent some time alone to catch up and see if the sparks were still firing. I couldn’t blame them. I was glad so few people had even the vaguest clue about what had happened between myself and Robert. I couldn’t bear the constant sympathy, or worse, the friendly ribbing that was sure to follow once it came out just who he truly was.
“What’s been happening here while we were gone?” I asked, trying to stop my wayward thoughts wandering to Robert once again.
“Well, we seem to have gotten the cholera outbreak under control, thank the good Lord,” Angel crossed herself dramatically as she raised her eyes up to the heavens. “We’ve had no further cases since about a week after you left, and because of all the medicine and equipment the army team left, we have been able to treat people so much more effectively.”
“That’s wonderful news, Angel, and such a relief that it has been contained before it spread around the entire camp,” Shane said. I merely nodded my
agreement.
“Of course, we miss Robert’s skills in surgery. I’ve never known anyone who can leap from an amputation, to a C-Section, into heart surgery without missing a beat.”
My heart lurched at Angel’s words and the mention of his name; anger, pride, love? But it was clear what high regard she and everyone here at the camp held him in. I couldn’t disagree with her professional summation of the man. He truly was a medical wonder. I just hoped that nobody would be as hurt when they found out his real identity as I.
“Did you know he was a prince?” I asked Mark pointedly, blurting it out angrily because it felt like I couldn’t contain it any longer.
He gawked at me, his hands clutching the wheel a little tighter.
“Well?” I demanded. I urged myself to stop, to direct the anger elsewhere, but I was only human… and I was like a wounded animal, trapped in a corner, lashing out because that’s all I felt able to do.
“Yes,” he replied simply. Everyone else gasped in shock. Well, at least I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t had a clue. “Military secrets and all that… was one of those things that we just didn’t talk about to protect him, as well as us and those around him wherever we were posted.”
The rest of the trip was silent, everybody trying to digest the news. Angel placed a hand upon my knee and I silently thanked her for the kind gesture. But the revelation was too out there, too surreal and it seemed I was not alone in being spun out about it. I knew it was pretty tough to take on board, though my reasons were a little harder than others, but nonetheless it was still not what you expected to find out about a man you had worked side-by-side with in a refugee camp hospital.
After we arrived, I jumped out of the jeep, grabbed my bags and headed to my bunk. I didn’t want to mull over anything else. I wanted to sleep, to rest, to find myself again before I started work in the morning. I prayed Angel and Amy knew me well enough to know to give me space until then.
Fourteen
Robert
I yawned. I simply couldn’t help myself. The ambassador had been talking non-stop for over forty minutes, and the room was so very warm. Jet-lag was also getting the best of me despite the fact it had only been a short flight. I sipped on a glass of water in the hopes of keeping myself awake. I longed to get back to the plush suite I would be calling home for the next week. If I could be anywhere but here right now, I would love to be. But, in my family, duty is prized above all else, and apparently this was my time to step up.
And unfortunately for me, I was called upon at the last minute to step into my brother William’s shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I did not envy my bigger brother, or his position of bring first in line for the throne, but right then I was seriously envious of the terrible case of “flu” that stopped him from undertaking this diplomatic tour of Luxembourg.
But while William was in fact making my father proud—with the help of his private secretary of course—I wasn’t entirely convinced he was totally out for the count… man-flu more like it, or perhaps he’d managed to convince Sophie to wear a nurse’s uniform and was prolonging his bed rest. Wouldn’t have surprised me what with the rumours flying around about those two. The palace had practically been abuzz with talk of William’s scandalous relationship.
The ambassador was still droning on and I stifled another yawn. It wasn’t that the man or the country was dull, far from it. I had holidayed there a number of times with friends. In fact, I rather liked it as an unexpected retreat from all the hustle and bustle of life back home in the capital, and the horror of being a military surgeon since I qualified four years ago. No, it was more that on this occasion I would see none of it, and way too much of these lavish salons, being forced to listen politely—and to feign suitable interest of course—to inordinate amounts of dull speeches honouring my grandmother, Princess Augusta, Duchess of Cambridge.
St. Bartholomew's Hospital wasn’t pleased about it either, and they had every right to be unhappy with me. I’d spent much of my interview convincing them that I would be reliable and that my position in the Royal Family would have little to no impact on my duties as surgical registrar. But then within one week of starting, I was forced to let them down. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would even have a job to go back to—and even if I did, there was no way they were going to be happy about their new registrar taking time out willy-nilly—even if the person ordering it was the King and Queen of England.
I wasn’t cut out for the politics or grandstanding. I was a medic, a surgeon, and I loved my work more than almost anything on earth—yet trying to convince my mother and father, as well as the rest of the older generation in the family, was like banging my head against a brick wall. And had been ever since I’d announced at the tender age of fourteen that I wanted to be a doctor. Sitting here, being polite and making little people feel big was not my forte at all.
Bored, I tapped my long fingers across my thigh, imagining I was operating on someone. I applied the gentle pressure to the scalpel I was wielding in my imagination, picturing the diseased tissue that I was skilfully removing, and the recovery of my patient as they returned to their normal lives once more. What wasn’t to love, right? How many people truly got the chance to change peoples’ lives in such a drastic way? But no, instead my family wanted me to waste time here, listening to these puffed up fools.
Perhaps it would’ve been better if I’d fought harder to stay in the military just a little bit longer. Though in the end it was my own choice to leave, regardless of the pressure coming from above. But if I’d stayed at least then I would’ve had some semblance of control over my life… I could’ve even tried to request to be stationed back in the refugee camps at Chad. I would’ve been able to see Penny again, I thought with desperate longing.
Don’t think about her, you’re just going to make it harder for yourself.
“Ahem, Prince Robert,” my father’s valet nudged me in the ribs as imperceptibly as he could and Penny's beautiful face dissolved out of my mind.
Gavin gave another subtle cough and I was thrown back into reality. Father had lent him to me as I had no personal servants—didn’t need or want one in my everyday life—but for these occasions they were a necessary evil. At least Gavin and I knew one another well, so it wasn’t awkward. I flicked him a thankful look as I glanced up to see that the Ambassador had moved to shake my hand and offer me the gift that I was there to receive on Grandmother’s behalf.
“This is exquisite,” I lied as I took the ugly green glass—or was it crystal?—vase that was supposedly worth as much as the average family home in London. I couldn’t see the appeal myself and would be happy if it got broken in transit rather than seeing it up in any of the Royal residences, but I knew a place would be found for it somewhere. Even if that was in one of the many storage rooms where it would be protected, boxed up and labelled with extreme accuracy; detailing who it had been present by and when.
I gratefully said my goodbyes to the assembled group of highly-connected politicians and businessmen and women, saving a quiet and private moment for the Ambassador as I had been directed by the team that had been sent out to shepherd me through my duties.
Once free, and in relative privacy, I sank into the back of the black limousine and sighed heavily. At last the remainder of the day would be my own. I was looking forward to a good sleep. Since leaving the army, I’d barely had a chance to stop, let alone rest.
Endless visits to family and friends, and then this little formal excursion. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept a full eight hours, and I so desperately needed it. How Frederick had been able to manage it—let alone William—I had no clue. But I was amazed that the hardest thing had not been the switch from being an unknown, one of the squad, the same as any other, to being back in the public eye. No, the toughest thing I faced every day was that I didn’t get to see Doctor Penny Hawkins’s lovely face, hear her perfect laugh, touch her soft skin, or kiss her sensually full lips.
I clearly was o
ut of practice when it came to the life I would now be expected to live until the day I died. The spotlight had caught me a few too many times already, and the paparazzi had taken some crazy pictures of me.
And because I had been seen with Eugenie, an old friend, more than once, the rumour mill had started up—yet again—and everyone was sure that another Royal Wedding must be in the offing.
Neither of us could be bothered to refute the stories; the papers would twist whatever we said anyway. She didn’t mind because it got her plenty of column inches as she started up her new very exclusive interior design decorating business, and as she was the sister of a good friend, Albert, whom I’d attended prep school with, I was more than happy to help her out.
To be fair it suited me too; I no longer had the press or my parents trying to pair me off with women I had no intention whatsoever of marrying. Especially since my thoughts still hadn’t been able to banish the spectre of the enigmatic Dr. Hawkins. There was no one else like her and I doubted very much that there would be anyone in my future who could make me feel even a fraction of what I felt when I’d been with her.
She haunted my nights, filled my daydreams—yet I still hadn’t managed to come up with a way to deal with the minor problem that she had no clue who I really was. Nor had I come up with a way that I could introduce her to my family, and have them take my feelings for her seriously. My worst nightmares were filled with them laughing in both our faces as we stood hand in hand, begging them to understand how we were so right for each other.
All the formality and publicity, I’d been subject to since I returned home, made me long even more for the easy camaraderie I had enjoyed in the military, the unexpected friendships I’d made in Chad. Life had been somehow easier, lighter, freer, despite all the regulations, orders and limitations to what we could possibly achieve given the circumstances. And I wished I could go back to those days, could return to the place I knew I did the most good. It sure as hell wasn’t here, after all.
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