Smash It!

  I want to run over and roll her off the stage. Fuck it. I’m not sticking up for that asshole.

  I leave Dré and Eli to their own devices and find Lennox. She’s one of the first girls I’ve met who I just feel comfortable around. That, and she’s actively trying to help me fix my complicated yet nonexistent love life.

  “O,” she says from the gallery. She’s sitting with Jackie and Rodney, and they’re all waving me over.

  “Get over here, Miss Bianca,” Rodney says. He’s snapping his fingers at me, saying, “Work. Work. Work.” He’s more extra than a RuPaul drag show—his words, not mine. He looks behind me at the stage and rolls his eyes. “Oh my god. Angelina is over there running her mouth again.”

  I turn around, and sure as shit she is. She’s got her phone out, and she’s talking shit about some girl’s picture. I shake my head. “I really don’t get why she’s such a bitch.”

  Jackie laughs, and it’s so loud. All these theatre kids are projectors. It must be a trick of the trade.

  Lennox looks up from doing her homework. “Yeah, if there’s any drama, she’s at the root of it.”

  “Every. Fucking. Time,” Rodney says and gets up. “But I’m a messy bitch, and I want all the drama.” He’s walking through the aisle, singing her name.

  Jackie’s still cackling. “Rodney’s so fucking stupid. I love him.” She turns to me. “Now spill the tea. You haven’t been here for more than five minutes, and she’s already pissed you off.”

  I sit down, debating whether I should be yet another source of gossip or if I should listen to my inner Jesus telling me to mind my own damn business.

  Jesus is ringing, but I’m not picking up the phone. Not today. “Well,” I start, and a smile creeps onto my face. I low-key love the euphoria that comes with ragging on Angelina, so I tell them what she said about me after auditions, and because I have no self-control, I tell them about the messages to Dré.

  Lennox hits Jackie, who’s howling about the left on Read for a week. She twists her dreads up into a bun and starts packing up her homework. “She’s clearly got nothing going on, which is why she stay in other people’s business. But that doesn’t excuse what she said to you. Just ignore her.”

  Jackie pulls her legs up into her chair. “For real though. She knows she barely got the understudy role, and she’s just salty about it. She’s always got criticisms but none of the credentials to back it up.”

  I look toward the stage just as Angelina tosses her hair back, still talking a mile a minute about who knows what now, but the tea must be hot, because Rodney is sipping it up.

  Behind them, Dré and Eli are onstage doing some weird choreographed fight. We haven’t blocked anything for the play, and by the laughing fit they’re having, I know they’re totally improvising. Soon we’re all watching them, because they’ve started rapping and stage fighting, and it’s actually kind of funny.

  Jackie pulls out her phone. “I might be able to get this in this week’s edit before I upload. Vlogging gold.”

  I can’t help but smile, because this is the magic Dré and Eli make together. Whether they’re onstage singing or just messing around making each other laugh, they’re captivating.

  Angelina’s the only one pretending not to notice that they’re putting on a whole show, and they don’t stop until Mrs. G comes out and claps for our attention.

  “Thank you, Mr. Santos and Mr. Peretz, for that thrilling reenactment. But it’s time to get to work.”

  * * *

  So, it’s the Year of Fuck It, and this is the first time I’ve actually been excited to say fuck it to an invite. I’m at the mall with Lennox and Jackie. This is ten levels deep of dorky, but I’ve never been shopping without my mom, and I refuse to try things on when I’m with Dré and Eli. I have the feeling they’d leave me and I’d have to spend thirty minutes walking around this big-ass mall trying to find them again.

  Jackie is vlogging and the camera is in my face. “Go ahead, girl, tell us who you are.”

  I can’t look in the lens, because this is weird. “I’m O.” I don’t want her weird internet people to know who I am.

  She waits like I’ve got more to say. “Girl, you’re more than your name. Damn, don’t make me edit you out. You cute, and I can get some views with them cheekbones.” She takes the camera behind me. “And that ass!” she shouts.

  Lennox is laughing. “Leave the girl alone. Damn, Jackie.”

  Jackie’s already got her attention on someone else. “Damn, that nigga fine.” She says it so loud that the dude she’s talking about looks at us. She smiles and waves. “Hey. I see you.” He smiles—and she’s not wrong, he’s hot—but he’s also laughing and embarrassed.

  The thing about Jackie is, she’s effortlessly confident—so confident that I get waves of secondhand embarrassment. She’s also super black. She’s from Atlanta, so she’s used to being around black people all the time and she’s never felt uncomfortable being black. Now, Lennox is half black, so I’m not uncomfortable code-switching around her, but Jackie just said nigga in the middle of the mall to a dude at least twenty feet away, and I swear I saw two white ladies clutch their pearls.

  If I did that—especially with my family around—I’d have my teeth knocked out. My mom says it more than I do, in the car we be buggin’ and thuggin’, but we leave that shit behind closed doors. Still, I can’t help but feel like Jackie being so unapologetic about who she is is something to be envious of.

  She’s looking at me and smiling. “You gonna get more jeans like that, right? They got that ass snatched.” Of course I’m wearing my sister’s high-waisted jeans again. I don’t know where she got them, but Lennox and Jackie wave off my cluelessness and take me in and out of stores carrying things that look like—me.

  I haven’t spent any of my work money in months—Eli and Dré always spot me because I’m not the kind of person who says no to free stuff—so by the end of the day, I’m down $500, but I’ve got all new clothes and even the right underwear. Yes, they made me buy new panties and bras, because apparently my kind of butt needs tangas and boy shorts.

  We’re in the car laughing because Jackie’s telling us a story about a time she was having sex with a dude who fixed her wig as it kept falling off. “That’s real love tho. I still talk to that nigga. I’d still be with him if I hadn’t moved.” Lennox and Jackie talk about sex so casually.

  I keep thinking about what Lennox said, about my first time being good instead of special. I’ve got this image in my head of girls who have lots of sex—they either got daddy issues, or they’re trying to fill some hole in their life. But Lennox and Jackie aren’t like that. They’re just having a good time and owning their bodies. They aren’t a prize to be had by any guy. They’re a prize to themselves, and they believe in getting want they want.

  They’re on birth control and wrap it up; they have sex with guys they feel safe with. I swear my mom’s talks just left me feeling like I’m one choice away from being pregnant or used, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I just don’t know how to get from where I am to where they are.

  Jackie and Lennox help me un-haul all my old clothes and hang up the new stuff. They’re staying the night, and when my mom comes in, she looks over the clothes and gushes over Lennox and Jackie. “I’m so glad Liv found some black folk. She was a lost cause, y’all.”

  They’re laughing, but I remind my mom she was the one buying my clothes. I also know she’s really in my room to make sure I haven’t invited crazy people into her house; I get her nod of approval. She likes them—but she doesn’t know just how different they are from me. I wonder if she’s trying to pass the baton, because she doesn’t know how to teach me the things they can.

  Lennox is in the shower and I’m getting out some spare clothes for them to wear. This sleepover was super impromptu—I just didn’t want them to leave. I look at one of the dresses Ja
ckie picked out, a halter top, cinched at the waist and flared at the bottom. I told her it would bring too much attention to my stomach, but she yelled, loud for everyone in the dressing room to hear, Bitch, there ain’t no such thing as a problem area. Your body is beautiful, so fix ya warped-ass mind. For a split second, while I stared in the mirror, I understood what she meant—I saw what she saw.

  I want her eyes so I can see myself like that all the time—I can’t for the life of me figure out why mine don’t work.

  She’s at my window, peeking through the blinds. “Bitch, you ain’t tell me you live next door to Othello.”

  I go to the window and open the blinds. Eli’s staring at us and waving his phone at me. He looks amused.

  Jackie pinches her lips between her teeth, her eyes glistening like she’s about to say something I don’t want Eli to hear or interpret. She whips her long hair over her dark shoulders. “Giiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrl.”

  I’m looking for my phone in my purse. I’ve got a bunch of texts from Eli and—one from Kai.

  Holy shit.

  “You didn’t tell me you live next door to Exotic Mulato.”

  A laugh bursts from my mouth, and I’m shocked more than anything. I don’t even know what the fuck that is. “That is so rude. His parents are Israeli and Palestinian.”

  “Damn. I’d let him holy war up in me.”

  I don’t even try to explain to her how fucked up that is. “It’s just Eli.” I’m texting him back, because he wants to know what I’ve been up to all day. I can’t tell him shopping. This feels very much like an episode of Queer Eye, except instead of five gay guys, it’s Lennox and Jackie, but I’m still the old guy with no fashion sense and a rocky marriage.

  He’s calling now.

  Jackie is looking over my shoulder. “You like Othello, don’t you?”

  I’m laughing like that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard—except I don’t say that, I just keep laughing. It’s starting to sound weird. I’m the weird hyena from The Lion King.

  Lennox comes back, drying her dreads in one of my old T-shirts. “Why does she sound like that?” she asks Jackie. Then she looks out my open blinds at Eli and waves. She goes to the window to open it, and I rush to close the blinds so fast that I end up smashing them into the window. I know that without that double pane keeping a lid on Jackie’s loud-ass voice, she’ll spill some truths that I can’t put back in my box of secrets.

  “I ain’t gonna snitch on my bitch.” Jackie’s laughing and telling me to get away from the window. Somehow, I’ve admitted it without even meaning to—and then I’m confessing. I’m telling them how I don’t know what Eli and I have, and I’m telling them about Kai—which they already knew—and somehow Dré’s in the mix.

  Jackie interrupts me. “You can’t date somebody cuz they mama like you. Bitch, that’s weak.”

  “I don’t want to date Dré.” I’m convinced my feelings are physical. His arm brushing up against mine gives me chills. But that’s not emotional, it’s hormonal.

  “Uh-huh.” Jackie’s eyes are wide and she peeks through the blinds again. Apparently, Eli’s given up on us. I text him some emojis that don’t really make sense and say I’ll call him back in an hour.

  Lennox is lying on my bed, looking down at me. “You can fuck him though.”

  Why is she still on that?

  Jackie chimes in. “That ain’t a bad idea. Popping on that Puerto Rican papi.” She’s bouncing on one of my throw pillows and I. Just. Can’t.

  “Um, no. Lennox had sex with him.” I realize maybe I shouldn’t just throw out other people’s business like that, but Lennox looks as unfazed as ever.

  “So?” Jackie says. “Lennox has sex with everybody. She be reading people souls with her pussy and shit.”

  I am dead on the floor. Fucking dead. Send flowers and pour some whiskey on my grave. Jackie is so loud I’m legit hoping my mom didn’t hear that.

  “Oh damn, sorry,” she says when I tell her to stop screaming about Lennox’s soul-sucking hoo-ha.

  “Besides,” I say. “Kai texted me.” I can’t help the smile on my face. I’m looking at his text now: How you been?

  “Damn, girl. You got three dudes checking up on it? You ready for that?” Jackie’s taking my phone and reading the message.

  I know she means sex. “I want to—and I want to do it without imploding my friendships.” I give Lennox a pointed look.

  Jackie nods. “Look, I know Lennox is a free spirit and all, but sex is big to some of us. So don’t let none of these niggas pressure you into nothing you don’t want.” She’s looking at me hard.

  I gently slap her arm. “All right, Mom, Jesus.”

  “Don’t be taking the Lord’s name.”

  We go on for hours. I’m laughing and crying and Lennox is braiding my hair into a crown. It hits me again that the last person I talked with about my love life was Al—who I haven’t seen in the past week. I really should have found girlfriends a lot sooner.

  I get up to turn off the lights, and Jackie has claimed my bed. “Damn, girl. What’s wrong with your cat?” Twinks is rubbing on Jackie’s leg and doing the lawn mower purr and drool move. I don’t have the heart to push Twinks away, she looks so happy and in love. Jackie starts petting her, rolling her eyes and claiming this is the most action she’s had in months. When they’re snuggled in, I turn off the light and lie down on a pallet of blankets and pillows on the floor next to Lennox.

  It’s quiet when we hear, “I’m a cute bitch.” Jackie is talking to herself. “I’m a badass, smart-ass, boss bitch. I got bomb pussy.”

  Lennox and I are racked by another fit of laughter. “What are you doing?” Lennox says.

  “My nightly affirmations. If I don’t love this bitch, who will?” Jackie rattles off a few more while Lennox and I hold back more giggles.

  “You right. You right,” Lennox says. “Now shut the fuck up so I can sleep.”

  When they finally pass out, I send another message to Eli that I’m too tired to talk. I even leave Kai’s message unanswered. Leave them niggas hanging, were Jackie’s exact words. She said a busy bitch was a hot bitch—and, well... Jackie might be crazy, but she definitely knows how to get what she wants.

  The thing is, I don’t exactly know what I want anymore. This whole Fuck It list started out as me trying not to be scared of being myself, but the more I’m saying fuck it, the more I’m changing into someone new. And now I’m learning that I get to want things—and this new me wants to make them happen.

  Chapter 16

  I don’t return Eli’s call until Saturday afternoon, after Jackie and Lennox go home. I’m in front of my window while the phone rings, and he answers just as he opens his bedroom door.

  We do this more often than not, so he’s not surprised to find me staring into his room. He waves a set of keys at me just as I hear his voice. “Hey. Wanna eat?”

  “Depends. Where are we eating?” He knows where doesn’t matter, because he can see me grabbing my shoes.

  “Cheese fries and shakes?”

  I stop and look back out my window, checking to see if he’s still there. He is, and he laughs. “What?”

  “Well, that’s my favorite, and when people offer to take me to eat my favorite foods, either the dog is dead or I’m moving to a new house.” It really is my mom’s classic move.

  “Or maybe I have my mom’s car, and I just want to have fun before doing homework.” Eli’s backing out of his room. “I’ll see you downstairs.” He hangs up.

  My mom is at the office today, so I don’t have to tell her I’m leaving, which is a relief. She’s one of those moms who has twenty questions even though she’s going to say yes anyway.

  When I get out the door, Eli’s leaning against his mom’s car with the wind blowing through his curls. He’s still wearing the T-shirt he slept in, but he’s put
on jeans. I shouldn’t know this. I shouldn’t be checking him out, or looking at his arms and how deep pink his lips are.

  He gets into the car and starts the engine before I slide in. “So, how was the sleepover?” He says it like I’ve hit a milestone and this trip is a mini-celebration.

  What I want to say is that it was great. It was so much fun, and I no longer feel like I’m holding all these secrets on my own. Which is terrifying, but also liberating. What I actually say is, “Oh my god. Don’t make it a thing.”

  Eli backs out. He’s taking us on a smooth ride to my favorite burger place, Steak ’n Shake. I don’t go for the burgers. I go for the cheese fries and shakes. They’ve got an array of shake combinations. But nothing beats old-fashioned strawberry-banana, except maybe cookies and cream.

  “You know...” Eli says at a light and puts on his glasses. It’s so damn adorable when he opens up his case and slides them on. I know this is the most mundane thing a person can do, but oh my god, it’s stuff like this that turns me to mush. He catches me looking and loses his train of thought. “What?”

  I realize I’m smiling—I look like an idiot—and I can’t explain why, so I just shrug and look away. “Nothing.”

  He’s smiling now, too. “Anyway, you don’t have to front. It’s cool that you’re having girl time.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I say, still smiling. He has no idea it’s because of him, and I’m okay with that, because this crush isn’t going to last much longer. I’ve got plans for purging myself, but for now, I will enjoy the last day I crush on my best friend.

  Eli gently pinches my thigh before putting his phone in my lap. “I made a new playlist. Tell me what you think.”

  We spend the ride listening to a mix of new songs he’s found. They’re all sweet, and my favorite kind of songs. Love songs. I get what Dré means about not wanting to play the kind of music Eli wants to write. They’re best known for their upbeat covers. Music that gets people jumping. Eli likes songs that make his heart thump. I can’t blame him for that. I do, too.