We make plans for Wednesday, but I change it to Thursday when I remember I have another date with Kai. Dré raises his eyebrows. “Big Hawaii, huh?” He has this really stupid laugh when he thinks he’s funny.
I elbow him so he’ll stop laughing. “Yes. He’s cool, and I don’t appreciate all the jokes.”
“It’s not a joke, Liv. I was calling him Big Hawaii before you even knew him.” He’s quiet, and then he’s looking at me with relaxed heavy lids, classic I’m bored Dré. “If he makes you cry, I’ll fuck him up.”
Jesus.
“I’m serious. He might be big, but I’m quick.” The lunch bell rings, and he’s up and kissing my cheek before hopping off the stairs. He turns around. “I’m serious. I’ll fuck him up.”
I’ve been kissed by three different guys in two months. I don’t know if my Fuck It attitude is leaking pheromones, but I’m kind of enjoying the attention. And even though Dré’s annoying, he cares, and the look he gives me before disappearing into the crowd makes my heart dance between beats.
* * *
This time, Kai and I go to Disney Springs. We’re walking around, eating gelato, when he leads me to a bench next to a fountain. We’re people-watching and making up stories for them. One lady is a reformed CIA agent trying to get her life back after losing everyone important to her. And there goes a guy who loves dogs more than people. They bump into each other—it’s going to be a rom-com. A montage of her having to find a place in her heart for his fifty dogs and overattached mother.
“So, what’s your story?” I ask Kai. All I know is that his family moved here from Hawaii last year because his dad got a job doing something really boring at Disney. It pays a lot, but Kai and his sisters miss the waves.
I’m in awe. I live in Florida, but it’s Central Florida. I almost never go to the beach, so I think beach life sounds majestic. He laughs when I say that. But he’s not laughing at me so much as he just thinks I’m funny.
“I want to move to LA and try my hand at indie films.” He pauses. “I know it takes hard work to get there, but why not?”
“No, I think that’s cool.” I really do, I binge-watch documentaries of people who follow their dreams, and I think it’s the modern-day fairy tale. Then, fuck it, I tell him something I’ve never told anyone. “I want to work on the stage or on films—maybe composing musical scores.”
Taking something that didn’t exist and making it real—everyone is always looking for magic, but it’s right in front of us. I know it sounds stupid. I just like everything to do with movies. Especially thematic soundtracks. I love the way music can completely change a movie. “Not to mention, Hans Zimmer has too much of a monopoly on the market.”
“You’re totally right. All the movies with his tracks sound the same.” Kai takes my empty gelato cup and puts it in his. “I think you should go for it.” He says it in all seriousness. There is no yay! Follow your dreams lameness to it. He’s saying it as if I said, I think I should try eating more vegetables. Like it’s something completely achievable. I wish it were that easy. I don’t even know what specific thing I want to do, let alone how to make that a life path.
I’m around these people who are living their dreams. Dré and Eli with their music, Jackie with her vlogging, Lennox and Kai with acting. They’re on the road to something amazing, and Kai actually thinks I can be one of those people. But if I’m honest, all I’ve ever done is listen to soundtracks when the mood strikes. Can I even call this a dream if I’m interested but not passionate like them?
I’m really good at school—I’m great at following rules and completing tasks—but following a dream? That’s something I don’t know how to do.
He kisses me, and this one is sweet and lasts only a few seconds. “Sorry,” he says. “You have a really kissable face.” And a few seconds later, I’m apologizing right back at him, because he really does, too.
Chapter 19
After being MIA for two days, Eli finally shows up at school. He didn’t ride with us though. I feel like he’s avoiding me because of Kai. Everything was fine until I went on a date. It’s like he’s making me choose: life in the shadows being his number one fan girl, or being with someone who actually wants to date me. Then again, it could just be he’s afraid of losing me as a friend—the same way I sometimes get scared he’ll stop being my friend if he gets a girlfriend.
After lunch, he walks me to my class, which isn’t that special because our classes are right next to each other, but as I’m about to open my class door, he pulls me over to the lockers. We’re standing in front of these matte, cobalt blue lockers not looking at each other, but standing close. It looks like a goddamn breakup scene—but he’s not my freaking boyfriend, so this whole moment is ridiculous.
“Liv.” I’m not looking up because he says it like he used to, I look up because he’s saying my name like he hurts. He looks at me, but then his eyes dart away, and I think he might cry.
I don’t know what to say. But my heart flips, because what if he actually is jealous? What if seeing me go on a date with Kai made him actually see me? “Eli,” I breathe.
His face goes blank. “Sorry. For not answering your calls. I’m kinda dealing with shit.”
Shit between us? Some other kind of shit? Elijah might as well mean vague in Hebrew.
The two-minute bell rings. “Can we talk later?” Eli asks.
I’d rather talk now, but... “Yeah. I told Dré we’d practice after school. After that, I’ll text you?”
He runs his hand through his hair and is back to not making eye contact. “Yeah. Whenever.” Then he disappears into his classroom.
I don’t see him for the rest of the day, and after school, I catch the bus home and wait for Dré to get off work. When he doesn’t show up, I blow up his phone for an hour before I give up on him. I call Eli, peek through my blinds, and nothing. Both of them might as well be together, giggling in my closet, watching me pace and curse their names.
That happened once, a long time ago. They were trying to make a prank video by scaring the hell out of me. My sister burst through my door with a mask on and everything. Thinking back on it, the whole thing was just creepy and traumatizing, and Amber really shouldn’t have laughed as hard as she did.
I call Lennox, and she comes over to practice with me instead. She sings Dré’s part, and when I feel like my stomach might cannibalize me, we raid my kitchen and make hamburgers and homemade french fries.
I make some for my mom and I can’t wait to see her face when she realizes how thoughtful I am—I’m gonna rub that ish in her face.
“Kai told me y’all went on another date.” Lennox hip bumps me. “He was grinning and all happy.”
I can’t stop smiling. “I think sex with him would be good.” Lennox has converted me. I’m talking about sex openly now. The prudish side of me still cringes, but whatever.
Lennox cackles. “Let him tear that ass up.”
“Oh. My. God. I can’t tell you anything.”
“I think you’re right. He’d be good. He’s kind.” Lennox is simultaneously a young free spirit and the witchy old lady who teaches you how to make potions with dirt and bones. She hesitates though.
“What?”
“I have this weird vibe that it won’t be him. It’s going to be one of the two goonies you hang with.”
I’m chomping down hard on my fries, because those “two goonies” are a sensitive subject right now. They literally just stood me up. Those assholes aren’t even on the short list. Besides, Dré is—Dré. And I’m officially moving past Eli. I keep holding on to these glimmers of hope that I make up in my head and I. Am. Done.
Lennox smiles at my scowl. “It could be both at the same time.” She’s cackling, and I don’t want to know if she knows what that’s like.
“Not into it.” Nope. Nope. I’m not some free soul-sucking sex spirit. I’m sti
ll me and not into that.
Lennox stays over and braids my hair again. If she wasn’t here, I’d have wallowed and racked my brain trying to figure out what the hell is up with Eli and why Dré thinks I’m important enough to fight a dude for but not important enough to give me the time of day with something that actually matters.
With Lennox, I’m just a girl again. And being a girl is something powerful and good. I’ve gone a whole night without being consumed by the boys’ bullshit. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize, but Eli and Dré don’t define me.
It’s funny, because, in Othello, we play these chicks who get verbally abused, arrested, and murdered. Nothing in that play shows a woman’s strength in saying, No, I won’t let you treat me this way. Because the one chick who makes a stand still ends up dead. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. I get that I do that, but whether I’m right or wrong, I’m glad I have Lennox. She makes me want to stand up for myself and say, I’m not taking this shit.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to tell them. I tried before when Dré kept teasing me about Kai, but now I realize it’s about so much more than that. I’ve got to be my own person, and that means firm boundaries when it comes to how they treat me, too.
Lennox and I are on the couch watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta when I pause the show and say, “I’m a badass, smart-ass, boss bitch.”
She laughs and nods. “Yaaas, bitch. Now press Play. NeNe’s about to go off.”
* * *
I ride to school with Lennox. I don’t even tell Dré; I’ll let him figure it out himself. But by the time I’m leaving band class for lunch, I haven’t seen Dré or Eli, and neither of them have texted me to apologize either. I ask around—no one has seen them.
I refuse to text them first on principle, so the rest of the school day drags by, and then so does work, because Al and I are on different shifts again.
I make a plan. I’m going to confront them and tell them how I feel. First Dré, then Eli. I’m going to tell Dré he needs to respect my time. I’m going to tell Eli to stop using me as his emotional girlfriend.
I’m also going to do Eli last because, while I know I’m in my girl-power fury right now, I’m also still nervous about laying it all on the table with him.
The next day, I get up early and walk the few blocks to Dré’s house. What I have to say needs to be said in person. I’m not going to hide behind my phone and get caught up in what his one-word responses mean. I don’t care if it’s Saturday and 9:00 in the morning. I march up to the Santoses’ red door and knock. I’ve got a whole speech about how I’m tired of his shit and I’m not going to talk to him for a week. Complete silent treatment. I’ve never done that. I always cave after the first day.
Gloria answers the door and—she looks like a mess. That’s saying a lot, because she’s always wearing makeup, jewelry, and an outfit that makes her look ten years younger than she is. Today she’s in yoga pants and a sweatshirt. She still looks cute, because she’s Gloria, but damn.
I don’t say that though. I just smile when she hugs me.
“I—I can’t even say it.” She calls Dré and the way she says his name is like she’s cursing him. Dré is her only son and the youngest. She treats him like an angel who could do no wrong, so when I see Dré, I really have no clue what’s going on, but it feels like someone died.
I immediately think of Eli, and I know I’m jumping to conclusions. I do that—think of the worst instead of being logical—but what if Gloria is cheating with Yosef and it came out? But why is she mad at Dré? Okay—chill.
Breathe.
Dré’s at the door, and Gloria doesn’t even look at him. “Tell your mom I have to cancel our plans tomorrow. I’ll call her. But just let her know for me, baby.”
I tell Gloria I will, but I don’t think she hears me. She’s back in the house, going up the stairs, and I guess Dré doesn’t want to go back in, because he closes the door and sits on the porch steps.
He’s peering up at the sky, biting his bottom lip. He looks like he hasn’t slept, and his eyes have that eerie distant stare. He does that, when he locks himself off; he turns to stone and hides inside himself.
I just sit with him, because I know asking what’s going on isn’t going to make him say it any faster. He looks completely devastated—like he-saw-something-really-fucked-up devastated.
A minute goes by. I can’t take it anymore. “Dré—”
“I got arrested.”
This coming out of Dré’s mouth doesn’t make sense. He’s not the kind of kid who gets arrested. He’s flashy but not stupid—or so I thought. I don’t get it—and then I remember Oscar and the fucking discount. Now I know why he stood me up, why he looks like he hasn’t slept, and why Gloria was dressed like she’d been out all night. She was bailing her son out of jail.
A lot of words—mean, terrible words—are coming to mind, but I know Gloria’s already said them all, because Dré looks destroyed.
I sit there, not saying anything—but I’m me, and I can’t keep quiet, so I say, “I don’t get it—” I have to stop, because I’m going to tell him all the horrible things he probably already knows, and Dré is the kind of guy who internalizes everything you say about him. “I don’t know how to say what I feel without saying something I might regret.”
He’s squinting at some guy walking a dog down the sidewalk. “I know.” His voice is low and empty.
I try to formulate the perfect thing to say. Anything to make him realize that he has the world in front of him and he’s about to throw it away for some fake friends who don’t give a damn about him.
He looks at me, his mouth pulling at the corners. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
I’m stunned.
His eyes water, and tears drop to his cheeks and down, down, down. He doesn’t make a noise. He doesn’t shudder. He just stares at me and breaks.
I pull him into a hug. I’ve never seen him cry. I’ve seen him mad; I’ve seen him embarrassed. I went with him to his abuelo’s funeral—he doesn’t cry in front of people. Maybe right now, the last thing he needs is another person telling him how much he screwed up.
I just let him cry.
He sniffs, and when he pulls away, the only evidence of his tears are his red eyes and the way his mouth kind of twitches. “When I’m onstage—I feel like me. But then there’s all this shit that comes with it. People want to believe I’m this guy who’s always on. Sometimes I want to turn off, but then who will want me?”
Me. Eli. I say as much.
He laughs.
“I’m serious. You think we care about all that? You are amazing. You. In everything you do—except school—but you’re one of those few people who make up their minds about something, does it, and succeeds.” I’ve always looked up to him, because he’s always so himself. I think back to that night at Halloween. “Meanwhile, the rest of us are still stuck on whether we’re wearing the right thing to fit in.”
He wipes his face. “Yeah? I care so much about impressing people, I actually ended up in jail.”
I grab his face with my hands and make him look at me, because this is the Dré who lurks in the darkness. The one who hurts himself before anyone else can beat him to it.
“You don’t have to do all that. You’re perfect the way you are.” Lennox and Jackie are really rubbing off on me. “Only you don’t see it.” I feel like what I’m telling him is something we both need to hear.
He’s searching my eyes to make sure it’s the truth. He must find proof, because the hardness falls from his eyes, and then he leans in, and his lips softly touch my forehead.
I freeze.
It’s not like before.
His lips linger, and when he pulls away, he tilts his head down to meet mine.
If I move, I don’t know what will happen. We’re at a bridge, and he might be ask
ing me to cross.
His hand moves to the side of my face, and my eyes flutter as my breath catches. I’m stuck between moving back and leaning in—
Do I want to lean in?
My heart drums in my chest.
He pulls away and looks at me, and I sense he’s trying to think of words to say.
I don’t have any either. For once, I’m speechless and terrified, like the moment the roller coaster drops.
“Thanks.” He pulls me into a side hug and rests his chin on my head. He’s taking these deep breaths, like he’s breathing me in, and I realize André Santos is someone I want to know for the rest of my life.
ACT THREE
ACT THREE—Scene Three—
Day and Night
Othello:
I’M SECOND BEST
LESS THAN THE REST, YEAH
I’M NOT THE MAN
NOT FOR HER PLAN
I’M AT A LOSS
ALL’S LEFT IS TO GIVE UP
I’M AT A LOSS
NEVER THOUGHT I’D FIND MYSELF HERE
I’LL SET SAIL
TAKE A NEW FLIGHT
LOVE WON’T LAST THE NIGHT
NOT WORTH THIS FIGHT
I’M AT A LOSS
ALL’S LEFT IS TO GIVE UP
I’M AT A LOSS
NEVER THOUGHT I’D FIND MYSELF HERE
Chorus:
(hums first verse)
NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE
Othello:
I AM THE SUN THE SUN IS ME
WITHOUT THE LIGHT AND BEAUTY
I AM THE NIGHT THE NIGHT IS ME
WITHOUT PEACE AND UNBROKEN DREAMS
Chorus/(Othello):
I AM THE SUN THE SUN IS ME (I AM THE SUN)
WITHOUT THE PEACE AND UNBROKEN DREAMS
Smash It! Page 16