Smash It!

  “I’m asking you to just fucking stop. What’s the point in talking about stuff that can’t be fixed?” He raises his eyebrows for emphasis and then turns around and closes the door in my face.

  Fine. Whatever.

  It’s hard to be a good friend when I’m catching grief about shit that has nothing to do with me.

  The next day is a too-hot Tuesday, and the first day of stage rehearsals, and the marker of a regular rehearsal schedule. According to Mrs. G, This is where it gets real. Considering the intensity of the few read-throughs we did, I’m—shook. How much more real can it get for this lady? I’m sitting in the gallery, watching Kai onstage with Javier. Mrs. G is blocking act one, scene one. It’s a nice break from going straight home with Eli. I get to breathe and focus on something else. I know that sounds insensitive, but he is suffocating me with his silence.

  Lennox is sitting next to me and we’re doing our bio work together. Our parts don’t come onstage until act two. Mrs. G doesn’t care if we aren’t paying attention as long as we’re quiet, so of course Jackie has already been kicked backstage. Dré’s back there, too, somewhere, flirting with Steph, the redhead. He’s back to normal, and maybe too happy since finding out Kmart’s really bad at keeping track of their video footage. Without video evidence, they won’t pursue his case in court—fingers crossed.

  Anyway, that moment between us is so long gone and I can’t even be sure it happened.

  “What’s up with Eli?” Lennox points her pen at him. He’s leaning against the wall, watching what’s happening onstage. “He’s usually kinda—I don’t know, upbeat for a mellow guy.”

  I don’t want to talk about it. “No clue.”

  “Trouble in paradise,” she says. I cut my eyes at her, and she holds her hands up in surrender. “Okay, how about we take a break, because...” she waves her hand in my face “...this just got a little too intense for me.”

  She wants to help paint props, and I’m all for it, because, even as I get up, I can see Eli looking at me. And no, it doesn’t mean he wants to talk. Took me a week to figure that one out. He just stares for a few seconds before looking away, as if I’m the one ripping up his perfect two-parent home. And of course, I’m not allowed to tell him not to take it out on me, because he, according to my mother, just needs time to process his feelings.

  It’s almost exactly what he said to me, which makes me feel like they’re in cahoots—which I realize is self-centered and borderline lunatic. But seriously, if he looks at me like that one more time, I’ll help him process his feelings all right.

  There is a group outside painting set pieces. The paint fumes almost knock me off my feet, and Lennox hands me a breathing mask. I’m helping Jackie paint palm trees for our Cyprus scenes when she pulls her mask down and says, “You know what? I’ve been thinking, and Othello is racist as fuck.”

  Lennox shrugs, and Rodney, who’s filming Jackie painting, throws in a “And homophobic. You want to tell me no one in this play is gay? It’s the fucking Venetian army. Everyone is gay.”

  “You ain’t never lied,” Jackie says. “That nigga Shakespeare know he was wrong.”

  I’m adding some brown to my tree when I hear a kid next to me mumble, “Christ.” And I know he’s saying it to Jackie, and she hears it, too.

  Now, I’m kinda saying the same thing in my head, because Jackie says something is racist about every five minutes, but this guy is white and he’s just asking for trouble.

  “You got something to say, David?” She’s looking down at him, batting her lashes whilst rolling her eyes.

  David puts down his paintbrush and looks up at her. I don’t know him that well, but he was at Kai’s party and he’s one of those guys who doesn’t pick up on social cues all that well, the kind who overexplains when you clearly know what you’re doing.

  This isn’t going to end well.

  “I just don’t understand how you can say the N word while at the same time calling someone out for racism. It’s kind of problematic.”

  Jackie looks at me like, Did this white dude just call me racist? Actually, they’re both looking at me, and I don’t know why, because there is Lennox and a black dude behind me who deserve some of this you’re the other black person in the room. What do you think? vibe.

  Jackie doesn’t need backup though; she just comes out of the gate hot. “I can because I’m black, bitch.”

  David shrugs. “Well, it’s offensive. And it makes me uncomfortable.”

  Jackie laughs. “What? Me saying nigga? Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga.”

  Oh. My. God. Jackie is too much. She’s not ghetto, but she can be ratchet as fuck.

  The black guy behind me, Markus, sighs. “Yo, Jackie, chill. You’re so damn loud. Just tone it down.”

  But that only adds to the dumpster fire that is this conversation. “You only saying that because you be sucking on white titty,” Jackie spits back.

  Too many people are laughing, and to be honest I am, too, but I look at David and I also get the nagging need to smooth things over. “I think you both have a point.”

  Jackie rolls her eyes and goes back to painting her palm tree, unbothered, and David bows his head. “Thank you,” he says, but it’s in that way that insinuates he’s about to keep going to prove his point.

  “Yeah, don’t get ahead of yourself. I said you’re allowed to be uncomfortable, that’s it.”

  “You know what.” Jackie turns around to face us. “I’m tired of being told I have to tone down my blackness. This is who I am. I have to be louder in order to be heard and seen. This is my first lead role in four years, and I’ve tried out for every single play we’ve had.” She flicks the brush at the building. “And I’m pretty sure I only got this role because it’s a rap musical and none of you white bitches can rap.”

  David starts to open his mouth, but she points at him. “Don’t say shit. Until you’re black and have a fucking vagina, you don’t know shit.”

  I want to say that Jackie might be wrong in some way—but I know she’s right. I’m the prime example that being toned down doesn’t work.

  I was so toned down I couldn’t even put on a Halloween costume. I couldn’t tell the guy I was crushing on how I felt. I can’t tell that same guy that he’s being an asshole for taking out his frustrations on me when I shouldn’t have even been put in the situation to see what I saw.

  Not to mention I get so scared of how others see my blackness that I get mad at my mom for being late. Jackie’s expression of self might make people uncomfortable, but it’s not fair to ask her to bend over backward so that everyone else feels comfortable. I’ve been bending over backward ever since I hit puberty and realized everyone saw my blackness before they saw me.

  It ain’t comfortable.

  We all go back to working, and the vibe is kind of jacked, but soon it’s time to go in to work on the musical numbers anyway.

  * * *

  I’m onstage with Dré, and Angelina is behind me just like David, Dré’s understudy, is behind him. They shadow us, but David seems to be the only one who knows what a shadow is, because Angelina keeps bumping into me.

  I’m trying to keep my cool, because I know she’s doing it to be annoying.

  Every time she steps on the heel of my shoe or elbows me, she drops an oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry. Or my favorite: Watch where you’re going, the mark is right there. Yeah, bitch, I know where my mark is, thank you.

  We’re in the wings while Kai and Eli are onstage with their understudies, and we’re supposed to be quiet and not talk, because this still counts as the stage to Mrs. G, but Angelina would talk her way out of a muzzle.

  “Oh my god, David. I heard about what Jackie said. For what it’s worth, I agree with you. She’s so extra sometimes.”

  She’s sitting behind me, so her voice is buzzing right in my ear.

  I alrea
dy told Dré what happened outside, because he wanted to know why Markus was mad at Jackie and what it had to do with “a white titty.” Dré’s a mess right now, because he thinks the whole thing is a big laugh.

  Dré pinches my thigh. It’s our way of laughing without being super obvious about it. He’s looking up at the ceiling and biting his lips to keep silent. If Mrs. G hears us, she’ll tear us a new one.

  Angelina clears her throat and whispers loudly, “I’m sure you think it’s funny, but it’s not. What she said was wrong.”

  I can’t stop myself. “You weren’t even there. How do you know what she said?”

  Angelina glances away from me before putting a smile on her face like she’s about to answer a dumb question. “Everyone’s talking about it. I didn’t have to be there. Besides, David was, and I want him to know I understand his position.”

  Oh my god. I know she’s not completely wrong. Jackie went way overboard, and David is kind of sulking because I think he was really offended, but something in me gets irrationally angry when this girl is involved. She’s not the first person to say something slick to me—but I also don’t make it a habit to spend ample amounts of time with people who call me basic and step on my heels.

  I don’t want to start anything—but I also don’t like her, so... “The only position you need to figure out is where and when to walk onstage, thank you very much.” It was low. And I don’t care. If she wants to call me basic, she better figure out how to walk.

  Dré lets out a laugh and I won’t lie, it kind of gasses me up. My stomach is flipping, and I have to bite my lips to keep from apologizing.

  Angelina doesn’t say anything else, so I take it as a win.

  Mrs. G calls everyone onstage for the party scene, and I’m in it not as Bianca but as an extra. Dré and I are in the back when he wraps his arms around me and shouts at Eli, “Yo, dude, she was literally taking shots at Angelina in the wing. You—”

  Eli glances at us, and he gets this look on his face. I don’t know how to explain it, because he’s never looked at me like this before. “We’re working.” And he moves in between a few people to get to the front of the stage.

  Dré watches him. “Seriously, what the fuck is up with him?”

  I want to tell him—I do—but without all the facts, that could do more damage than create clarity. I just tell him what I can. “You know his mom and dad are having problems.”

  Dré rolls his eyes. “Yeah, but who doesn’t have problems? That doesn’t mean he has to walk around like fucking Eeyore.”

  Mrs. G whistles for our attention, and I shrug. Dré’s kind of right, but at the same time—I know my mom’s right, too. “He needs space to figure it out.”

  Dré’s watching Eli, and I know he’s trying to figure out how to make whatever is wrong right. He does that. He’s not like Eli or me, who just wait for time to pass before we pick up again without solving whatever we fought about. Dré has to make it right then and there, because he doesn’t like the uneasiness that Eli and I just put up with.

  That’s why we need him—he’s our glue. If Eli and I were left to our own devices, we’d grow old never quite making up after some weird, long-forgotten argument.

  “It’ll be fine,” I whisper before moving to one of the groups Mrs. G sorts us into. I need Dré to believe me so that I can, too.

  * * *

  When rehearsals are over, Kai offers to drive me home. Since Eli’s already taken off with Dré and Lennox is giving me the wiggle eyebrows, I say yes. I don’t want to go home to the fortress of solitude anyway, not with Eli brooding up the place. Whether he needs time or not, it’s still majorly uncomfortable to be around.

  Kai and I are in the student parking lot, talking and kissing, when he asks if I want to go on another date. I’m kind of wondering whether he’ll ask me to be his girlfriend—and it occurs to me that maybe my problem is I’m kind of old-school. This is my moment to own it and just ask him to be my boyfriend—and I will.

  Eventually.

  Somewhere between the talking and kissing, we end up in his back seat, and the kissing evolves from me tasting his lips to craving something more. I’m straddling him, and I can totally feel everything he’s packing. It was a good day to wear a skirt. It’s loose and all the way up my thighs, where his hands are firmly planted.

  We’re breathing hard and the windows are getting steamy, and it’s prime time for a Titanic reenactment, but suddenly he goes from grinding against me to lifting me off him.

  “Fuck,” he says.

  Looking at his puffy lips, I’m really contemplating losing my virginity in the back of his car. It doesn’t matter where as long as it’s good, and I really think it’ll be good with him. He kisses me again like he’s thinking exactly what I am, but he pulls away, again.

  “What?” I’m panting.

  “I wanted to talk to you before we got this far.”

  Kai’s a real gentleman, but right now I don’t want to talk. I’m ready. Really, really ready. I’ve never been this horny in my life.

  He’s sliding his hand up my thighs when he lets out a breath. “Wow.”

  I’m so stunned by the brushing of his fingers over me that I snap my legs closed. “Sorry.” I’m trying to open them again, but it’s like getting ready to be tickled.

  “I’m going to regret this—but we have to talk first.”

  I sober up a little and I’m sort of starting to freak out. If he tells me he has an STD, I’m going to weep as my V-card slides back into place.

  He pulls his hand away and leaves it on my lower thigh. “I’m leaving soon.”

  Thank Jesus, he’s not talking STDs or anything that would send me running to the hills, but I already know this. He’s a senior. It’s not exactly news.

  “I’m not trying to get into anything serious. I want to keep hanging with you, but I know I’m leaving as soon as graduation is over—so—”

  “So, you don’t want a girlfriend.” My stomach drops and I fill up with dread. I hear what he’s saying, but it sounds like the let’s have sex and never talk again spiel.

  “I want—look, I tried a long-distance relationship with a girl back home. I got busy, she got busy, I ended up not calling because I didn’t want to explain to her why I’d been busy—she’s probably still pissed about it. The long-distance thing worked for a month before it just went up in flames.” He looks down. “I don’t want that to happen to us—but I’m also really into you.”

  “Okay.” I’m sitting up now. It’s weird to have my skirt hiked up while we’re talking about how shitty he is—or was.

  “I just want to be honest. I really like you and I’m really attracted to you. I mean, you can feel that.”

  He’s still hard, so I’m not arguing. I just don’t get what the issue is. We don’t have to keep dating after he graduates. We can date now.

  He pauses. “I’m cool with us hooking up—but only if it’s easy.”

  “No strings,” I say.

  “That sounds kind of like a fuckboy move. I want strings, but I want us both to be okay with those strings ending in a few months? I think it’s better if we go into this as friends instead of trying to have something more.”

  I’m groaning in my head and wondering why this hot hunk of flesh is doing this to me. I want to say yes, but I also don’t want to be someone’s sex friend for a few months, then snip, snip: no more strings. Sounds like a sex toy—so... “Can I think about it?” I don’t know what else to say.

  “Yeah, for sure.” Since the mood is dead, we get into the front seats, and he drives me home. He keeps trying to explain. “I just want to be up front.”

  I’m all understanding and trying not to make him feel awkward, but internally, I’m screaming. I kind of wish he’d just had sex with me and told me after. When I’m old enough to have hindsight, I’ll probably be glad he didn’t�
��but my hormones don’t listen to logic.

  Before I get out, he kisses me, and his hands linger on my body. I’m tempted—really tempted. He’s like hugging a giant teddy bear, but with muscles. And his fingers—I’m the only person who’s ever touched myself there, and it so does not compare.

  I fix my skirt and make sure my hair isn’t too crazy before I go in. Kai waits to see me inside. He smiles and waves as I open the door. I try to convince myself that I can be the easygoing girl. That I can totally do the we’re not exclusive thing. But that’s a lie. I want someone to want me even if there are thousands of miles between us.

  I’m a swan. Which is great and all, but what the hell am I going to do now?

  Chapter 22

  Eli’s moved back home with his dad—his mom is still nowhere to be seen, and I don’t know how he feels about that or anything. He didn’t say more than three things to me the entire time he was in my house, no matter how much I nudged—or then didn’t nudge per his rude-ass request.

  Him needing space has turned into me wanting space from him. I feel guilty, because I’m supposed to be there for him, but how can you be there for someone who pushes you away?

  He’s not the only person I’m avoiding these days. I haven’t answered Kai yet, and now that we have rehearsals every Tuesday and Thursday after school, I see him too often not to come up with something soon. I keep thinking that, if this wasn’t my first time, I’d be okay with no strings. Like, I won’t get attached if I don’t have to think about him every time I think of my first. But it is my first time, and I want it to be good and memorable.

  Lennox and Jackie are at my house for a weekend slumber party, and they both look at me like I’m stupid when I say it. Lennox shakes her head. “It really doesn’t work that way. Whether it’s your first time or your fifth, either you want to keep it casual or you don’t. I don’t think you do.”

  She clearly hasn’t sat on top of Kai, because I’m tempted to keep it whatever just to do it again.