Smash It!

  Oh. My. God.

  He’s got this look in his eye, and he’s leaning toward me, and though my heart is in my throat and my whole body seizes with panic, I’m not moving, because I low-key want to know if what I think is happening is happening.

  And then he’s kissing me.

  It’s slow at first, and I’m thinking he might not be as good as Kai, but then the kiss gets deeper. My hands are on his chest, and then my fingers grip his shirt.

  He moves in between my legs and I’m trying to get over the shock of Dré being on top of me, running a hand over my boobs. I don’t have the same cloudy lust I did with Kai; I’m kind of stuck in my head, because it’s Dré, but I also feel kind of...at home. Comfortable.

  Fuck it. We’re doing this.

  I let him take off my shirt, then my bra, and we’re both down to our underwear and staring at each other.

  His mouth is on my boob and just when I think I’m not going to get the lusty cloud thing, it’s there—and I think it’s there for him, too, because we go from these soft, deep kisses to pawing and moaning.

  He stops to grab his pants and pulls out a condom. It takes him a while to rip it, and I kind of sober up a little. It’s broad daylight, and I realize he can see all of me. I pull my knees as close to my chest as they get while he’s putting it on and when he turns to look at me, he half smiles.

  “I—” Dré stops. He’s not speechless often. He’s like me. We almost always have something to say. “Regardless of how this goes, I love you.”

  I’m not brave. I’m a chickenshit pansy because instead of telling him how I feel, or that I get what he means—we’re still us—I say, “What the fuck is about to happen? Is your condom gonna pop off and blind me?”

  “Jesus, Liv.” My joke isn’t releasing any of the tension. It only builds as he pulls my leg down and runs his hand up my thigh. His fingers slide over me and then inside of me as he’s kissing my neck.

  I’m not going to think about where he learned how to do this. It will ruin the moment. So instead I hold on to him and ride the wave that’s climbing. It’s good. All those pamphlets about not having sex or being terrified of letting boys put their hands in your pants... It’s all a goddamn lie.

  Maybe it’s because it’s Dré. I know him, and he knows me, and our hearts are beating at the same time as he lies on top of me. But it is better than good.

  He’s starting to slide into me, and even though he’s going slow, there’s this tightness and before I can tell him to pause, he’s pushing all the way in and I yell, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

  “Should I stop?” He pulls halfway out, staring at me with wide eyes.

  “No.” It did hurt—but he also feels good. I didn’t anticipate the crazy, intense goodness radiating in me.

  “Christ, Liv.” His voice rises an octave. “I thought I fucking broke you.”

  “Broke me?” A laugh bubbles out of me. Mainly because I feel kinda high. Like I could cry, because this is so crazy.

  He starts laughing, too. “I don’t fucking know. Jesus, Liv—my god.”

  I know what he means. I know why everybody talks about it now. I totally get it.

  * * *

  We’re lying next to each other, naked and under the covers. I don’t know why we decided to get under the covers. We’ve already seen each other naked. I’ve got my head on his chest and I’m afraid of what we’re going to do next. It’s like our nakedness left us overexposed.

  I should have thought of that.

  He’s rubbing his thumb over my spine, and our skin is sticking from sweat. “Why are you so quiet?” Dré says. He’s one to talk. He hasn’t said anything in the last twenty minutes either.

  “I’m thinking.”

  “About Eli?” He just drops it on me.

  My mouth goes dry and I lift up to look at him. I need to know exactly why that of all things came out of his mouth. He sits up, and he’s got on such a poker face I’m at a loss for how to interpret it. I settle on, “No.” But I think I waited too long.

  He lets out a long breath and rests his head against my headboard. He’s looking down at me through thick lashes, and the lust cloud is completely gone. We’re both sober as hell. “Because that’s what you do. Remember the time we went to get ice cream without Eli, and you made me stop at the grocery store and we bought him a pint?”

  I sit up. “This is not us getting ice cream, Dré.”

  He laughs. “Or the time we went to the mall without him, and you bought him that stupid shirt with the leaves on it.” He’s got a small smile on his face, and he’s shaking his head. “It’s obvious. The two of us never do anything together without you figuring out a way to make Eli feel better about being left out.” He gently pinches my chin between his finger and thumb. “It’s okay if you are. I’m used to it.”

  The fuck. There is a bitterness in his voice, and I can’t tell if he’s complaining about it or just stating an observation. “If you think that, why’d you have sex with me?”

  Dré’s taking deep breaths and I can’t tell if he’s shutting down or gearing up to tell me the truth.

  My stomach twists.

  “Because you asked me to.” He’s got the half smile on his face again. “And I love you. You’re my girl no matter what. I’m always gonna be here for you. Whatever you need.” He’s leaning over and kissing me again, and I feel like there is something twisted about what we’re doing, but the kiss is deep and his tongue is in my mouth like he wants more of whatever I have.

  He’s breathing heavy again, and it makes my stomach flutter. Next thing I know he’s fishing in his pants for another condom, and we’re wrapped in each other again. It takes him longer this time, and I’m glad, because it takes me a while to get Eli out of my head.

  This time after we finish, we get dressed, because my mom’s going to be home in the next hour. I’m looking at Dré, zipping up his jeans, and I feel like I took something from him.

  I don’t know any more if he meant he loves me in that unconditional, we’ll-be-friends-forever kind of way, or if he loves me loves me and sees no future in it because of Eli. I’m thinking how Lennox said I’m not the casual type, and how I should say no to Kai. Now I’m wondering if I should have said no to Dré. He’s still smiling at me, and I can’t let him leave without knowing.

  “Do you love me love me?”

  He looks up, and he’s thinking. I don’t know how hard of a question this is to him, but the wait is killing me. “I don’t know.”

  What. The. Fuck. “Dré.”

  He laughs, and I swear I want to hit him. He’s being so cavalier about it. He sits next to me. “I love you, but I feel like I don’t own you.”

  I don’t even know what that means. “I didn’t know the two were mutually exclusive.”

  “They are. When someone says they love you, it means they don’t want you to love anyone else.” This is about as open as Dré’s been with me in his entire life. Then again, I don’t ask him questions like this often. “I said it because I love you. Maybe I always have. But I like the way we are. We don’t have to change it, if you don’t want to.”

  “So, this was just sex for you?” I don’t know what I want to hear from him, but I know I’m not getting it.

  “No. I’m not dead inside. Jesus, Liv.”

  He’s got this look in his eyes, and I know he’s debating something in his head. I just want him to spill it, because we’ve been naked together. So there’s no point in keeping secrets now. “Just say it.”

  “What?” He licks his lips.

  “Dré.” I don’t even have to say anything else before he’s laughing again.

  “Okay. I’m happy you asked me. It means a lot.” He kisses my forehead. “That, and you were in my spank bank. How could I resist.”

  And we’re back to normal Dré. “Jesus.”

&nbs
p; “I’m serious. That waist, them thighs, and that ass. You have no idea how many towels have gone to—”

  “JESUS, DRÉ.” I’m thinking of the towel I found under his bed and I’m—sorta grossed out but somewhat flattered. This is weird.

  “We just had sex—twice. How are you embarrassed? I can tell you these things now.” He’s massaging my shoulders as we head downstairs, and to be honest, I feel good. We did it. And it was amazing. And we’re still the same. I mean, not exactly the same. But I don’t regret this. I wanted good and memorable, and this is probably as good and memorable as it gets.

  We go to the kitchen. I’m starving, and since he’s looking over my shoulder, I can guess he is, too. “Thanks. For...” I gesture between us. “I could have done with fewer penis jokes though.”

  “I was nervous.” He’s grabbing straight lunch meat and cheese. No bread. Savage. “Can we agree not to tell Eli? He’s been acting like a dick as it is.”

  Dré doesn’t know all of what Eli’s going through, and I still can’t tell him. But I agree that we don’t tell Eli about this. It’s just our thing. Besides, it wouldn’t matter to Eli, not as long as I’m still here to be his emotional pillow when he’s done giving me the silent treatment.

  There is a part of me, I won’t lie, that does feel weird about how Eli is drifting further away while Dré and I are getting about as close as two people can—but I don’t regret it.

  We stop eating and stare at each other until we’re laughing.

  I don’t regret Dré at all.

  Chapter 24

  We’re supposed to be keeping it a secret. And at first, it’s easy, because Sunday I don’t see Dré, not in person. But by the time rehearsal comes around on Tuesday, he’s touched me at least twenty different times.

  Dré has always been touchy, but at my locker he rubbed my lower back. At lunch, he rubbed pizza sauce off my lip and his eyes lingered. I get it. I look at him a little different now, too. I see him without his clothes when he’s walking or leaning on the props wall looking for his sword. But right now, as I’m bent over the table, trying to get my pencil that’s rolled to the wall, he’s behind me—all up on my ass—and because he thinks we’re alone, he feels on my waist.

  This is a high traffic room. “Not discreet,” I say, nudging him off.

  “Sorry.” His eyelids are kinda heavy, and now that I know what that look means, I’m thinking of all the times he’s given it to me and I thought it was his I’m bored look. I really do not know how to read guys. I thought I did, but they’re sneaky little bastards.

  He’s smirking with his hand back firmly on my waist, and he’s sorta leaning in...and then I am, too.

  “Y’all smash?” It’s Jackie, and yes, she’s loud as hell. Her voice echoes off the brick walls, and I can’t figure out why I ever thought I liked either of these people.

  Dré’s pretending to pull something out of my hair—which is in a bun, so we look suspect as hell.

  She’s giggling now. “Fuuuuuuck. You did. I have a fuck-dar. I knew it. I can smell the sex on you.”

  “Jackie, shut the fuck up.” We both say it just as I hear a big sigh as Eli walks in, grabs his book bag, and walks out.

  She makes a face like whoops, and when we leave, Eli doesn’t make eye contact with me at all. He hasn’t in a long time. He’s been eating lunch with us but keeps his earphones in, and honestly the “space” thing has gone on long enough.

  Worse, we’re rehearsing the scene where Iago (Kai) gets Cassio (Dré) to talk about fucking Bianca (me) while Othello (Eli) hides behind a curtain. I’m waiting to go out onstage and yell at Dré and throw a handkerchief at him. The understudies are deep in the wings, and thank god Angelina isn’t shadowing me, because the tension growing between Eli and me is palpable.

  Eli is in front of me, because we don’t have the set he’s supposed to be hiding behind, and Mrs. G has Kai and Dré do their part over and over again. Eli and I are pretty much going to be waiting for an eternity.

  “How are you?” I ask Eli. It feels like forever since I’ve talked to him. I tap his shoulder, and he stiffens.

  Onstage it’s like nothing in the world bothers him—and lately, his deranged Othello has been kind of spot-on.

  “Eli.”

  “I’m trying to focus, Liv.”

  “Right.” I don’t mean to sound like an ass, but I don’t know why I’m getting this cold shoulder. All I did was stop him from potentially murdering his father with kitchen appliances. And I get he’s got stuff going on at home, but he’s not the first kid to have parents split up. I don’t even have a dad.

  I don’t know how to get back on track with him if he’s not willing to just—work with me. I gave him space, but now I don’t know what else to do.

  “Seriously, Eli?”

  He doesn’t turn or look at me or do anything to show he’s listening.

  “Fine. Shut everybody out. See how that works for you.” I know I shouldn’t have said it. But I’m tired of it. For some reason, this feels personal. He’s still nice to everyone else. I get that he was mad about me not telling him what I saw, but come on. If he can’t see that I was put in a really shitty position, then he’s the ass, not me.

  Mrs. G has Kai and Dré come to the wings and sit where Eli and I are. We’re all on standby as she works another scene with Lennox and Jackie.

  Dré’s sitting next to me, and for once he’s not feeling me up. Kai’s not really giving me eye contact, and when he finally does, he raises his brows, like I’m some new kid he hasn’t been introduced to yet. I know I’ve put off answering him, and now that I’ve had sex with Dré, I really don’t think I could do the same thing with Kai. I don’t know him well enough.

  Sure, he’s hot and fun to talk to, and he took me on two dates, but I wouldn’t know what to do with him that moment after sex. I feel like all we are is the lust cloud, and when it’s gone, we have nothing to fall back on. It’ll make me feel empty, and I should probably tell him no instead of avoiding him.

  I will tell him, right after rehearsal.

  Dré leans his head against the curtain. “You know, I really don’t know how anybody could believe I’m talking about sex. The shit Mrs. G is making me do is rated PG. I look more like I’m rubbing a towel between my ass cheeks than fucking you.”

  The way he said it, fucking you. It was kind of different than the way he said the rest of the sentence. Like he wasn’t talking about character me, but me me. And it doesn’t help that he looked at me with the eyes as he said it.

  Eli’s scrutinizing gaze slides over to us, and I know he heard it, too. He says something under his breath, but I’m sitting too far away to hear.

  Dré heard him though. “You’d be surprised.”

  Dré and Eli lock eyes.

  Eli breaks the silence. “Go fuck yourself.”

  “Nah, buddy. I already got enough ass on my plate.” To everyone else, Dré looks like he’s just joking—like he doesn’t care—but I see the way his jaw is set like he’s waiting for Eli to pick the fight so he’ll be justified in popping off.

  Eli looks at me, and I feel like I look guilty. I know they’re talking about me.

  “Dré,” I hiss.

  Then Eli tilts his head and looks between us. He’s really taking me in for the first time in weeks. “You fucked him.” He says it as a statement, not a question, and I’m about to deny it but I feel my eyes dart away from his face as I say no.

  Kai’s watching us, and he clearly doesn’t know what we’re talking about, because he says, “We haven’t actually. You can chill.” Kai gives a pointed look to Angelina, because he thinks Eli’s talking about the parking lot rumor she undoubtedly started. Then Kai gives me a sympathetic look, as if he’s sorry they’re discussing something so private. So between us.

  My throat knots as I give him a small smile and pray to
god everyone just stops talking.

  Eli laughs, and it’s dark. He’s back in the place I thought I dragged him out of. “I guess she didn’t mention fucking Dré to you either?” He shrugs as if to say, Tough luck, big guy.

  Dré squints his eyes. “You wanna go?” Dré switches to Spanish. He’s much better at cursing people out in Spanish. At least, I think he is, because I never know what he’s saying in Spanish. I just know that when he gets mad, he makes less sense, because he starts switching between languages.

  “Try it,” Eli says.

  “Stop.” Neither of them pays any attention to me. “Stop. Seriously.”

  Eli flinches away from me like my words have touched him. He gets up and moves as far as he can away from us. Dré leaves and—I don’t know where he goes, but Kai is still there staring at me.

  “Look. I’ve been waiting for you to get back to me—but how about we just call it a no?” He gets up and disappears into the curtains.

  Perfect. I have no clue how to salvage this.

  And then Angelina, of all the understudies sitting circled up on the floor, looks at me, jaw on the floor. “Damn,” she says. What’s worse is...she kind of looks like she feels sorry for me.

  * * *

  It’s the day before we break for winter, and I’m sitting in front of the podium, as usual, as Mr. Kaminski gives us a speech on how we’re all doing so horribly bad. He’s not far off.

  I keep trying to make eye contact with Eli, but he won’t look at me. He hasn’t talked to me or ridden to school with Dré or I since rehearsal last week. I get that he’s mad, but honestly—I don’t get why. He’s taking out his anger on Dré and me, and he needs a freaking intervention, because this is the longest we’ve ever gone without talking since I’ve met him and it’s starting to drive me crazy.

  Maybe he feels like he’s on his own little island and Dré and I are moving on without him, but it’s not true—he just won’t take any of the life rafts we keep sending out.