He moved the hair away from her face. “Because, when I realized I might lose you, I did a lot of searching. I think I might have come in all guns a blazing and not given you any choice in the matter. I want you to always know that I care about how you feel. I care about you and your feelings more than anything. I am sorry for being so . . .”
“Self-centered?” Sara helped fill in the blank for him.
“Ouch.” Jonathon laughed under his breath. “But yeah, I guess that would be the word. He combed his hand down her hair.
Sara looked up into Jonathon’s face. She thought he did look different now. Before the mission he was more carefree. Now, there was maturity in his face.
“What?”
She sighed. “I—I just feel so confused all the time.” It seemed like she could love Jonathon too. She already did, but it wasn’t the same as Beau. It was old . . . and new. “Yes.”
He dipped his lips down to her and touched hers lightly.
She pushed him back overwhelmed with confusion. How could she be attracted to both of them? Her heart beat wildly.
“Do you feel it, Sara? It was all real, every bit of it from that summer.” He smiled and let her go, taking her hand. “Let’s go get cleaned up and enjoy my weekend.”
The rest of the day was like a dream. It was how she had wanted it to be when Jonathon had first come home from his mission.
She had to work from ten to two, but then they went for a long walk in the snow through the snow-packed streets. They shuffled through the shops making jokes and talking. She found out that he had a weakness for a good mystery novel. Sara could see her life with Jonathon. And it didn’t seem like a bad thing.
The next day they went to church together. It felt so different to her with Jonathon at her side. During sacrament he held her hand, and it seemed like everyone was watching her. There were two types of couples at the institute—the engaged and the not yet engaged. And sometimes there was a lot of pressure to be engaged.
Rob walked up to them and put his hand out. “So, is this the famous missionary?” His hair was clean-cut and his eyes looked sharp.
Sara laughed. “I guess so.”
Jonathon nodded. “Hi.”
Sara punched Rob lightly in the shoulder. “This—is Duke.”
Rob laughed and shook his head. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Jonathon looked at both of them, confused. Both she and Rob laughed harder at his puzzled expression.
“I’ll fill ya in later.” She turned back to Rob. “So, when is the baptism again?”
“That’s partly why I came over to chat with you. I’m doing it tonight.” His smile was so wide, Sara felt like her heart would explode.
“Seriously?”
“I was going to wait until Christmas but then I thought—my family doesn’t even really care—you guys are the ones I want there.”
Jonathon cleared his throat. “You’re getting baptized? Oh yeah, Sara, I think you wrote me a letter about him,” he said turning back to her, “right?”
Rob pointed between them. “Hey, you should come. That would be awesome, the more the merrier.”
Sara laughed at Rob’s excitement. His happiness was infectious, and her heart rejoiced. He was really doing it.
“I . . .” Jonathon pulled out his phone and looked at the time. “I don’t know if I can. I’m supposed to be at work in the morning, but maybe I could come in later and drive up in the morning. Let me make some calls.” He nodded at Sara and turned away from them.
Sara felt herself hesitate at the thought that Jonathon would be at the baptism. She’d seen Beau in Sacrament meeting that morning but hadn’t seen him the rest of the time. But she knew a confrontation with him was inevitable. And she knew he’d be coming to the baptism. Of course he would.
She turned to Rob. “What time will this great party be?”
He smiled. “Seven.” He leaned into her and whispered, “Do you think Beau can be there?”
“Um . . .” Sara glanced toward the gym and saw Beau standing by the steps talking with Michelle, the lycra queen. To her surprise, the girl from the restaurant was with him too.
Unwanted rage filled her heart. How dare he show up with her?
“Sara?” Rob looked at where she was staring and chuckled, but quickly covered his mouth. “And the plot thickens.” He patted her shoulder.
Sara looked at Rob’s face. “I guess you’ll have to ask him if he can make it. You might ask if he can tear himself away from all of his women.”
Rob clapped his hands together and grinned. “Sara, calm down. Sheesh. I think you should have a stage name. Man, all the dramatics.” He patted her shoulder. “I’ll be right back.” He took off toward Beau.
Sara turned to watch him. But Beau was already coming toward her.
Dark storms brewed in his blue eyes. His jawline was taut and the woman with him had her chin in the air and a smirk on her face as if she were saying, ‘look—he’s mine.’
Rob stopped him. “Hey man—I’m getting baptized tonight.”
Beau blinked and focused on Rob. “Really?” A bright, innocent smile crossed his face. “That is so terrific, man.” He shook hands with him and patted him on the back, glancing at Sara out of the corner of his eye.
“I want you to do it.” Rob beamed and puffed out his chest.
Jonathon stepped next to her, brushing his shoulder with hers.
Sara halfway smiled, but kept her attention on Beau.
“Should we go?” Jonathon whispered into her ear.
“Shh.” Sara unconsciously waved her hand at him.
Beau’s face had turned red.
Rob looked like a kid asking Santa Claus to bring him a bike—a kid that knew Santa Claus would bring him a bike because he’d seen it wrapped up behind the tires in the garage. “Listen, we gotta get there early and try on the clothes to make sure they fit.”
Beau looked down and took a step back. “Umm.”
“Dude, what’s the deal? Do you have a previous engagement or something?” Rob was literally bubbling with excitement. “C’mon, man I thought you’d be perfect. All those discussions you sat in on right here on those couches.” He pointed to the couches next to them. “You totally helped me.”
Sara hadn’t known Beau was sitting in on Rob’s discussions.
“I can’t.” Beau spit the words and the expression on his face was sour and nauseated.
Sara’s heart plunged into her stomach, and she felt woozy.
Jonathon looked at Beau and then back to her. He quickly grabbed arm. “Whoa. Are you okay?”
But she wasn’t.
All the things she’d envisioned for a future with Beau came crashing down around her. She wasn’t okay because she knew why Beau couldn’t baptize Rob.
Beau looked at her, his eyes flicked to Jonathon, then back to her. Guilt washed over his face and any storm that had been brewing earlier, evaporated. He turned to Rob.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. But I’ll be there.”
Rob registered understanding and nodded. “Hey, no problem, that’s cool. I mean, I’ll just ask one of the missionaries. They’ll be stoked.” The lines around his eyes relaxed and a sober look washed over his face.
Panic urged her forward and she tugged on Jonathon’s arm. “Are you ready to go? You probably need to get on the road.”
Jonathon didn’t move. He stared at Beau.
Beau stared back at him. Something was going on between them. Some silent conversation.
Beau’s eyes looked instantly tired, and he finally turned his gaze to Sara. Nodding, he turned back to the girl with him and gestured to the door. “Let’s go.”
The pain in his eyes had been too much. “Beau, wait.” Sara stepped toward him, hoping he would stop. But it was too late.
Chapter 36
Sara dashed for the door, putting out her hand to stop Jonathon from following her. “Just a minute.” Giving him her best apologetic look, she pulled the chap
el door open and yelled after him. “Beau!”
He didn’t turn back.
She maneuvered through the icy parking lot. Cold pressed against her bare skin. The kind of cold that comes with below zero temperatures.
Beau helped the beauty queen into his truck.
“Beau!”
He shut the door and started toward her. “Go back inside—it’s too cold out here.”
Her teeth were already starting to chatter. “I can’t. I want to talk to you.” She had to know what the story was—she had to know the details that she didn’t want to know.
Beau pulled off his coat. He wrapped it easily around her shoulders but let her go. “You’re going to freeze to death.”
“Who is she?” Sara had to know. She had to.
Beau narrowed his eyes then finally said, “Valerie’s sister.”
Instantly, the puzzle fit together. Her heart felt lighter, but confused. Very confused. “Well, why didn’t you say so?”
He looked quickly to the ground and then back to her.
Understanding struck her. “It’s something with her?”
Beau didn’t answer.
“You can’t baptize Rob because of her?” She didn’t want to believe it. But somehow she knew it was true.
The silence between them felt hard and cold and icy. Finally, he nodded to her.
“What happened?” She demanded.
Beau sighed.
Tears filled her eyes. “I don’t understand.”
Beau’s eyes fluttered, and he looked down. “We made a mistake, Sara. After Valerie died . . . we made a huge mistake.”
Sara stumbled back.
Beau steadied her.
She pushed him back. “What are you telling me?”
“We slept together.” His eyes were tired and raw and sad.
Sara suddenly couldn’t think. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t be here. She flung off his coat and ran for the church.
“I’m sorry.”
She paused. Rage filled her. “Are you back together?”
Beau didn’t move for a minute. The he looked up at the church and then back to her. “Yep,” he said, his voice flat, “we’re back together.”
Disbelief filled her heart. No. This couldn’t be the truth. “Beau?” The hurt was betrayed in her voice. She hated him. She hated him.
He looked past her, biting his bottom lip. His brow creased and anger swept over his features. “What can I say?” He bent and picked up his jacket. “Guess you better get back; someone’s waiting for you.”
His face was a mask, his jaw flexed.
Revulsion swept through her. She turned back to the church and held to the handrail as she climbed the stairs.
Jonathon took her hand before she got to the top. “C’mon, Sara. Let’s go.”
**
“Sara—are you okay?” Jonathon sat on her living room couch, leaning over—his arms propped on his knees. The lines around his eyes were pulled into a frown. His brown hair splashed forward into his eyes.
“I’m fine.” She put away the leftovers from the pot roast she’d put in the crock pot that morning.
He leaned back, his hair falling into place and put his hands over his head eyeing her. “Okay.” His tone was tentative, but he didn’t press her.
If she were to be honest with herself, she was trying to feel numb right now. She didn’t want to lose it in front of Jonathon. That wouldn’t be fair to him. But it was hard. Everything that she’d thought was fun and games had backfired on her in a big way. How could he have done that? How could Beau be someone so different than she thought he was? Turning to Jonathon, she tried to put a smile on her face. “I wish you could stay for the baptism.”
“I do too.” He leaned forward, picking up her family photo album. “May I?” His eyebrows raised, and he looked at her.
Sara nodded, walking to him and sitting down on the couch. They’d talked a little bit about her dad’s death, but it had never felt like he’d been that interested. He’d never been rude, just apathetic. Her heart clutched as he opened the book and turned to the page with her and her dad standing in front of her house. The day she left for college the first time.
“I’ve forgotten how beautiful your home is.” Jonathon studied the picture. “You guys look so happy there.”
She nodded. Her heart ached. She turned the pages to her mother’s photo. Her favorite. It was her parent’s engagement photo. She loved it.
“Your mom was pretty, Sara.” Jonathon held her hand.
“That’s their engagement photo.” She smiled, happiness entering her heart. “I’ve always thought they were the greatest looking couple. So happy.”
“What temple is that behind them? Is it Salt Lake?”
She nodded and remembered standing in that exact spot the summer she turned twelve. Her dad had taken her family on a trip to Salt Lake. “It’s my favorite temple—it’s where I want to get married.” Glancing at his face, she realized the words had come out before she’d thought about what she was saying.
Jonathon squeezed her hand gently, and the tension in the air grew thick.
She looked into his eyes and felt like she was being given a message in that moment. All she had ever wanted was to get married in that temple—to Jonathon. That’s what she’d dreamed about the past two years. It was—it was . . .
She stood and took a deep breath. It all became clear. Everything she thought about Beau wasn’t real. And she would never marry him. Turning away from Jonathon, she fled to the bathroom. “Excuse me.”
She splashed her face with water. All this time she’d thought Jonathon was the dream. That everything had been concocted in her imagination. Now, she realized she had no idea who Beau was. And it put her off-center. He’d seemed like the most real thing in her life lately. And the pain of his duplicity stunned her.
Sara looked in the mirror and told herself that she couldn’t lay this burden on Jonathon. She would deal with it after he left. And like so many other emotions, she had to stuff this away for the moment. She walked out of the bathroom.
He stood. His face looked sad. “I better go before it gets too late—the roads get slick pretty quick.” He took a deep breath and picked up his coat.
Sara went for her coat. “I’ll walk you out.”
“Okay.” He put on his coat and helped her with hers, and then opened the door.
She went out, and he gently took her hand.
She blinked.
He pulled away. “Hold on, I’m going to turn on the car and let it run for a minute.”
Her breath came out in puffs, and she pulled her coat snug against her. It was almost over—the weekend was almost over. She didn’t know if she could change the empty feeling that was taking residence inside her chest, but she wanted to see Jonathon off before trying to figure it out. Thoughts of Beau and Valerie’s sister had gone through her head during dinner no matter how much she pushed them away. Which made eating nearly impossible, and she felt her stomach growl.
Jonathon came back, holding his arms open. “It’s freezing.”
She easily went into them, his warmth cheering her slightly. Guilt simultaneously washed over her, guilt at the fact that she was taking comfort in his arms. Messed up, she thought. That’s what she was. How had this all happened?
“This feels so right, Sara.” Jonathon propped his chin on her head and ran his hand down her hair. “Can you feel it?” Pulling away from her, he studied her face.
Forcing back the tears that pricked at her eyes. She smiled. “I’m sorry, Jonathon.” The tears got free and washed down her face. “I’m sorry everything is such a mess.” She scrubbed a hand over her face and stepped back. “I can’t do this anymore. I just don’t know anything anymore.”
Sympathy washed over his face. “Sara.” He hugged her tightly against him. “I should have dragged you off to the temple the moment I was released.”
Sara couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her. “Yeah, I’m su
re you still want that after all I’ve put you through.” She dried her face with a tissue that she found in her pocket. She stepped away from him.
Jonathon watched her closely then pulled a small box out of his coat pocket. “Actually, Sara, I do.” He put one knee on the ground.
Chapter 37
Marsal’s penciled eyebrow had been permanently raised the whole way back to Beau’s house after church. “Beau, what was that all about?”
“Don’t start, Marsal.” Keeping his composure the whole way back to his house had proved almost impossible. He’d told himself the whole way back that it was better this way. Sara was better off without him. He’d failed in so many ways.
He pushed open the door and waited for Marsal to go inside. “It’s time for you to get out of town.”
The charade had gone on long enough. He thought she’d been sincere when she’d showed up a few days ago and told him she wanted to learn about the church. And, of course, he’d felt some obligation. Like Alma the Younger, he’d done his fair share to push her away from knowing the truth of the gospel. He had hardly known her before Valerie’s death. Valerie had always referred to her as the “slightly worldly” older sister that liked to travel the world on the trust fund their parents had set up for them.
It was only at Valerie’s funeral, or really, the days after the funeral when she’d helped him. She’d been his shoulder to cry on. They’d commiserated about how cruel life was. About how nothing made sense in this world. About how God couldn’t just allow such horrible things to happen.
She’d told him she would stay around for a while and take over the African project. And she’d been good at it. Over the last couple of years she sent him quarterly reports.
Beau thought of how, only a week after Valerie’s death, Marsal had given him a beer one night and told him it might be nice to take the edge off. He’d never had anything to drink before, but somehow, in light of Valerie’s death, one little beer didn’t seem like a big deal. Little did he know that after a six pack, there would be no more edges. Or boundaries. It all seemed to blur, and Marsal started to look remarkably like Valerie.
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