“Oh, Thomas, hey, you can meet me here at the Driskill Hotel Bar about seven, and then we’ll go to the show.” I replied. I didn’t linger on the phone with him and I really wasn’t looking forward to this as I just had such a lovely day yesterday with Rand and finally felt Rand and I were making baby steps with one another.
I headed for the shower hoping that the warm spray would help to wash away the feeling of uncertainty that I had about tonight. I knew I was seeing Thomas after all these months and wasn’t sure how that was going to go, I had my hopes of getting some closure. The timing for Thomas and I to meet again was very close to what would have been our eleventh wedding anniversary. Some of our wedding vows were replaying themselves in my mind… I Madison take you Thomas to love, cherish and grow with in all our days ahead. I promise to be by your side for as long as you will have me. That seemed funny to me now as I was by his side actually only until he decided to leave me. As I lathered myself beneath the showerhead and thought of Rand’s touches and felt deep within my belly, warmth envelope me. I closed my eyes and let the water beat lightly at my face preparing myself for this day.
After I showered and dressed, I went to the connecting door and tapped lightly hoping Rand was awake. My knocking was not answered, so I reached down and wrapped my hand around the doorknob and paused, then slowly twisted the handle and opened up the door. From where I stood on the threshold I could see just his messy bed sheets in his room, some of his journal notes on the nightstand but he wasn’t there. I lingered there for a moment. It was as if I could actually feel him, and as I traced a finger over my lips, I could still taste him. I knew I could definitely smell his scent and I closed my eyes and drew in his aroma. My phone sounded a moment later and it was from Rand.
Good morning. Sorry the guys pulled me away from you last night. I was looking forward to the next part of dessert. I’ve already left this morning. We all got in late, I’m beat. I have a meeting today with Maxwell and some people in the music industry from Austin. You know these meetings can go long. I’ll search you out in the audience tonight. I’ll lock onto your beautiful dark eyes, and imagine that I’m tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear and singing. I’ll be singing to you like you are the only one in front of me. Later I will pull you toward me and kiss your ear and then travel to your welcoming lips.
I was star struck, I was in awe and I missed him, I knew I did. I wanted to let him know.
Hey, I was just standing in the doorway between our rooms breathing you in. Although you aren’t here I feel like you are, I’ll miss you today, but I’ll be looking forward to seeing you tonight.
I leaned on the doorframe with my phone to my chest and tapped my head lightly on the wooden surround. I was beginning to feel something with Rand, something so alive and warm, so new, so fresh and yet so unknown, but what I knew somehow was I wanted more.
I had seated myself at the bar several different times just before seven o’clock. Once I sat down and then hurried to the bathroom being nervous. Another time I sat and crossed my legs and looked as if I was waiting for one of the surrounding Texans to kindly buy me a drink and then finally I sat myself at a small table off to the one side of the bar, in a bit more secluded area where the fabric of the chairs made me laugh as they were a cow print. My laughing made me relax as Thomas arrived and placed his hand to my shoulder. “Madison, you look lovely. Please don’t get up, let’s sit here for a bit.” I was surprised, I had been so distraught and angry with him for so long, and now seeing him was like meeting him all over. He was very pleasant to the eyes, his sandy colored, short hair and light grey-blue eyes, pulled me in. I actually got up and slightly placed my arms around him and tapped him slightly.
“Thomas I’m glad you made it, I know you’re really going to enjoy the show.”
“Oh, I am already enjoying just being here with you.”
I wanted to keep our conversation as friends. “Thomas, I am really having a great journey with all of them. I know you’ve heard many of their songs.”
We were able to keep our conversation light and friendly. We spoke for the next hour about the business convention he was attending and how my writings were coming along. We didn’t get into anything deep about what happened to us, and that was fine for me at the moment. He did speak to me about my father and said that my father missed me. Thomas told me that he believed my father was pulling for us to make it back together, but I let that topic brush over and asked him how long he was going to be in Austin. The time flew by and I looked at my watch and knew we had to get to the show. Thomas said he could drive as he had a rental car. We left the bar, I felt him reach down to take hold of my hand, but when I pulled it back up toward me, he rested his hand at the small of my back following me out of the hotel to his car. I felt his hand near my back and a few times he raised it and gently stroked at my lower back, but emotionally, I felt nothing. I felt his hand but no longing or wanting sensation.
When we arrived at the concert I thought of possibly taking him back stage and briefly introducing him as my friend to the band and even Rand, but we got tied up in the traffic to get to the venue as only one lane of traffic was open. Since it took us so long, I only briefly caught up with Kent in the side corridor for a moment as he was rushing backstage and told him I was with my friend Thomas and we were going to quickly find our seats. The band opened up with the usual from Rand, “Good Evening City of Austin, we are Rolling Isaac’s.” His eyes did a once over of the crowd below and he quickly scouted me out. I had on my cowboy hat so I tipped it to him when our eyes met. As the band started playing, a few times Thomas leaned over and said that it must be really fun traveling with them. He seemed genuinely happy for my new occupational venture. The band played so well and was received by Austin greatly. I knew most of the songs by now, I always had a copy of the night’s playlist and sang along and even Thomas knew a few verses.
At one point as I stared at Rand I saw him smile, and I was overwhelmed with happiness. As I turned to Thomas, he leaned in and took the opportunity to kiss me on the lips. Thomas smiled gently at me and then reached to the back of my neck and pulled me in once more. I kissed back, thinking of Rand. I quickly realized what was really happening and pulled away abruptly. My first thought was to just run away from Thomas but I didn’t want to leave in the middle of the show. So I sat there and gave Thomas a kind smile and then focused back on the show.
After that song was done the band took a moment to wipe their sweat, quickly chug some water and glance at their playlist for the next tune. I saw Kent go over to Rand in a brief conversation he was telling Rand something and they both glanced in my direction. Rand turned when he was done talking to Kent and he stared at me with fire in his eyes; he knew who I was seated with. I saw the sudden change in his sweetness to a conflicted look. He then went to the other band members and suddenly changed the next song on their playlist. I knew this because when they took a moment to play a few cords I could tell it was a different song.
The stage darkened completely. I wondered what was going on as they rarely do this in their shows. When the lights came on, there was only a single light shown in the corner of the stage on the side where I was seated. Rand was kneeling with a tight grip on his microphone. Rand closed his eyes and said loudly, “Ladies and gentlemen this is a brand new song titled My Empty Heart.”
The song began –
I’ve been watching you for oh, so long,
For me I know you are my only one.
Though, I am scared to give you my empty heart,
I hold tightly onto you so deep within.
You are my light, in my life, that I can truly see,
I have to pinch myself to know this is reality.
You are so unaware of what I feel in my aching heart,
I watch your every move from the stage above,
I have remained so captivated by you from the start.
Oh god, I thank you and you I cherish,
I feel again, some
thing between us that is ahead.
I give to you all my thoughts unconditionally,
I want to show you someday, as my tears shed.
You are my light, in my life, that I can truly see,
I have to pinch myself to know this is reality.
You are so unaware of what I feel in my aching heart,
I watch your every move from the stage above,
I have remained so captivated by you from the start.
In all our days please remain my center stage.
May you take me completely for what I am?
May we look back and surely both know,
This feeling has made me your favorite fan.
You are my light, in my life, that I can truly see,
I have to pinch myself to know this is reality.
You are so unaware of what I feel in my aching heart,
I watch your every move from the stage above,
I remained so captivated by holding you in my heart.
The music stopped and Rand stood up and he opened his teary eyes and silently he mouthed, “I don’t want to lose you, my front row,” and then he placed both his hands cupped to his chest over his heart, he glanced just past my eyes and it looked like he lost his soul. The audience roared and gave him a standing ovation. I sank with every word that he sang. I had never heard that song, and knew each of his written words was directed to me, written about me and that I was actually somehow in his empty heart as he sang it. It pained me inside to see him like this, I wanted him to open his eyes and look out to me. I knew he must have seen Thomas kiss me and I wanted to tell Rand it meant nothing. That it was him I was thinking of, seeing in my head so clearly in that moment when I kissed Thomas back.
Thomas glanced over to me, “That was a great tune, he’s really singing to someone he cares about. I think I know exactly how he feels.” I nodded at Thomas agreeing about the song, thinking to myself that Thomas had no idea what was happening.
At the close of the show, I looked to Rand and he still had not met my eyes. I decided to leave with Thomas to take me back to the hotel. As we were leaving the stage area I glanced back to see the band all excited about their performance and shaking hands of the fans that had lined up for autographs. I saw Rand pull a young girl toward him, the only thing separating them was the makeshift fencing for the fans and he pulled her in for a kiss. He kissed her and then turned in my direction. I realized she looked similar to me. He did at this moment lock his eyes completely onto mine. We were separated by many aisles of people, but our eyes spoke. It had pained him terribly, seeing me with Thomas, and I could see from his clouded deep blue eyes that he was clearly hurt.
On the ride back to the hotel, Thomas was speaking on and on about the show. I rested my head on the window and looked out through the glass as a tear left my right eye. When we arrived back we said we would have a drink together in the bar. We were right back where we started our evening. I had hoped sitting at the bar that I would see the band return from their concert. I seated myself on the barstool so that I could see just beyond into the hotel lobby. I also so hoped that I would see Rand return soon.
As Thomas and I sat at the bar, there was an older bartender with his nametag displaying his name as Will who asked for our drink order. The hotel had a very nice staff; some were very seasoned and knew all the history of this place. Will told us a few cute bar jokes and Thomas took the liberty of ordering us each a double Bailey’s on the rocks and then he began his plea. He spoke about how we met, how we had traveled together, how I decorated our city condo, so many memories were going through my head. We downed one round of drinks and then asked Will for another. Thomas again spoke, “This was nice tonight, us enjoying each other’s company. I know you had a great time. I felt you kiss me back. It was warm and inviting. Madison, I know now that we’re to be together. Can you give me the chance once again? Even though I know I don’t deserve it. But I am or was, I want to be a good husband to you.”
I stared blankly back through him. Here he sat wanting me back and I was remembering part of his wedding vows to me: I Thomas, take you Madison, to be my wife, become my life and to follow where ever our dreams may take us…I felt saddened and I reached up to take hold of his handsome face and I spoke softly, “Thomas in the ten years we were married, I thought of no one else but you. I’d completely given myself to you. You are a warm and kind person, and you and I shared a great marriage. I’d still like us to be close.”
“Madison I want to be close to you right now.”
“No listen, I was actually so scared to see you tonight, but now I am relieved. This has brought me closure. Thomas, when you left something died in me and I cannot bring that back. I may never feel again like I did for you but I know that I am finally in a different place in my life and within myself. After ten years of marriage, I wanted to believe that we wouldn’t avoid or hate one another.”
“Madison I could never avoid you, I want you, and I still love you.”
“Oh, Thomas I am sorry but that’s not what I want anymore.” I pulled him into me and kissed him close to his lips, on his cheek as this was my goodbye to him. I knew we would be alright if we were in a room of other people. That he and I would continue to be nice to one another and check to see how the other was doing now and again. But we would never be back to a couple where we were long ago.
Thomas reached into me and held me closely. He took his hand and pulled my head in toward his chest and held me. I heard loud voices entering the bar and turned back to see the band had arrived. Maxwell had turned in for the evening as we all were scheduled for a late check out and then it was off to San Antonio. The guys all gave me a happy wave from the table that they settled into for their drinks. Kent gave me an uncomfortable glance perhaps he had seen my kiss and embrace with Thomas moments before. I felt self-conscious and looked away from him. I did turn my eyes to their table a few times and Rand was never with them.
I slept that evening with peace that Thomas and I could move forward. I was now confident enough to not cave into him, not return to him just to be with someone. I had made my decision to be on my own. Knowing this morning we were again packing to leave for the next show, it was nice that Maxwell set us up for a later check out time. I ordered room service, a large pot of coffee and orange juice and an English muffin with strawberry preserves and sliced cantaloupe. I was sure that would carry me until we all stopped on the road for lunch. I reached into my purse to find my phone to text Rand and I typed – Can we talk? I wasn’t sure if he was still sleeping so I hit send and waited.
I pulled out my laptop and was finishing some of my recent notes on the band. My room service came quickly and as I was finishing my coffee which was so welcomed this morning after a few too many drinks last night. I heard a hard knock on my hotel door. I opened the door and was stunned to see Thomas. He looked beaten, like he was sad, like he had not slept. He took my hand and said “Madison, your father had a stroke and is critical, we need to go.” With that he told me he got the call just an hour ago, and he would get me back to see him in Philly.
I packed all my things in the room; I shut my phone and laptop off and threw them into a carrier. I was speechless throughout the packing process only stopping to hold Thomas in my arms and weep in between. As we left to the lobby and checked out, I glanced over to the newsstand area to see Kent picking up a morning paper and saying good morning to me. As he started to walk toward me, he could clearly see I was crying, Thomas had turned in my room key and checked me out and reached back to take my hand. Kent stood at the lobby entrance and just watched as I left with Thomas’s hand in mine and my head on his shoulder. I didn’t look back as we exited the hotel and rode off toward the airport in Thomas’s rented car.
Chapter Seven – A Love Lost
Everything was happening so fast. Before I knew it we were on a plane already bound for Philly. Once we landed we were heading right to the one of city’s top hospitals. My father, was a recently reti
red police officer from the city and he had been born there, stayed there, met my mother there, and never left. I was hopeful that with all the hospitals in the city and surrounding it that he got there quickly when this happened. The entire flight Thomas asked if I needed anything, was I hungry, was I thirsty? He never let my hand go the entire flight. I was thinking about my father and hoping he would hold on as I needed to see him and make this right between us. I remember how we stopped talking for so long. I was lost in my memories and then realized that as Thomas held my hand softly that his was not the touch I needed, it was Rand’s romantic caressing of my hand I so longed for. I dozed off against the seat arm and the window shade. Thomas had placed my sweater into a ball under my neck creating a soft pillow for me. I wept and slept and my thoughts carried me to Rand.
I was on his bed, he was standing above me and he was shirtless. He climbed up over me and started to kiss his way up my body beginning at my thighs. He hovered over my body and paused in between his kisses to look down to me with a look of peace, his was a calming presence. He came up over my body slowly and in closer to my lips and I could feel him without touching him and he smiled at me and assured me we would be alright; that everything would work itself out, that he was there for me. I replied, “Oh Rand, I feel you near me, please hold me.” I stirred and shifted in my seat knowing I must have been speaking out loud. Thomas leaned toward me and I knew that he clearly heard my groans over and over again. Thomas probably knew in his heart what I was feeling and for whom, and he knew that there was no chance for him and I, as my sleep talking surely confirmed this but Thomas also was not one to concede.
Rock Notes (Book One of the Heartbeat Series) Page 10