by Ian Todd
“Right, here’s whit’s gonnae happen, Johnboy. When his fat feet hit the lobby here, Ah’ll grab the basturt fae behind. When Ah’ve goat him, you start ladling intae him.”
“Ah kin feel another shite coming oan,” Johnboy hid said, giggling nervously in a high-pitched whisper, haudin his stomach.
“Naw, ye don’t. Jist haud it in this time,” Tony hid warned, giggling back at him.
It hid aw happened in a blur. Wan minute, Fat Tweety Bird wis whistling tae his heart’s content and the next he wis screeching in terror. Tony wis shouting at Johnboy tae kick fuck oot ae him. Johnboy hid jist stood there, frozen oan the spot. Tony hid been behind Tarzan wae his erms wrapped roond his fat chest, pinning his erms tae his sides while leaning back against the wall wae his legs crossed o’er the front ae Fat Boy’s. Fae where Johnboy hid been staunin, aw he could see wur two heids staring back at him…wan wae its mooth open in sheer terror and surprise, while the other wan wis shouting something tae him. He couldnae hear a bloody thing and hid been jist aboot tae say something when a rush ae noise hid jist aboot burst his eardrums.
“Fur fuck’s sake, Johnboy…scud the basturt!”
Johnboy wisnae too sure whether he’d punched or kicked Fat Arse first. Tony said later that he thought that Johnboy hid thrown a punch. Johnboy hid suddenly goat a picture in his heid ae Alex Milne beating his chest and screaming like Tarzan in front ae aw his pals. Johnboy remembered his fist landing smack in the middle ae the fat, terrified face. He also remembered letting oot a painful yelp before stepping back and letting fly wae his best Tommy Gemmell penalty shot which landed right between Alex Milne’s legs. Tony hid released his grip jist before Fatty doubled up and fell oan tae the lobby flair, wordlessly hauf screaming and hauf moaning like a fish ye’d see in a tank, wae his eyes bulging like a pair ae dugs baws that hid jist been booted. Tony hid started kicking him aboot the body. As each kick landed, Tony hid been talking tae him as if he wis jist asking fur directions tae school.
“If (thud) ye (thud) ever (thud) fucking (thud) come (thud) near (thud) him (thud) again (thud) ye’ll (thud) get (thud) mair (thud) ae (thud) the (thud) same, ya fat bampot, ye.”
The next thing Johnboy remembered wis Tony pulling him through the door leading tae the back court. There wisnae stairs gaun doon in this wan bit when they’d goat oot the back, they’d hid tae climb up oan tae the middens and then jimmy up o’er the dyke intae the higher back courts. They’d run straight up tae the back closes at the far end, which led oan tae Parson Street. Wance they wur oan the street, they’d heided doon Ronald Street towards The City Public, where Johnboy’s sisters went tae school. A couple ae minutes later, they wur sitting up oan tap ae the toilets, peering o’er the edge every noo and again, tae see if there wis any activity back up Ronald Street.
“Ah don’t think she spotted us,” Tony hid said.
“Who?”
“The wummin.”
“Whit wummin?”
“The wan that wis shouting at us.”
“Ah never heard any wummin shouting at us.”
“Aye, she shouted at us tae leave that poor wee fat boy alane. She came running doon the stairs, two at a time, fae the first flair landing, screaming like she wis possessed.”
“Ye mean like that ma ae mine’s?”
“Aye, mine as well. Ye widnae want tae be within striking distance ae her when she loses it.”
“Whit’s gonnae happen noo?” Johnboy hid asked him.
“Well, he’ll no be in a hurry tae mess ye aboot noo, that’s fur sure.”
“Ah don’t mean that. Ah mean, dae ye think he’ll get the polis oan tae us?”
“Naw, he’ll be too feart efter whit we done tae him the day.”
“Here, hiv a Malteser,” Johnboy hid said, as he burst open the box.
When Johnboy hid arrived back hame that night, he’d hid tae tell his ma whit hid happened bit hid left oot the bit aboot him getting a hiding and Fat Boy Milne getting his baws parted.
“Ur ye trying tae tell me ye’ve been expelled fur fighting…at your age?”
“It wisnae fur fighting.”
“Whit wis it fur then?”
“Refusing the belt.”
“Ye cannae refuse tae take the belt or ye’ll get expelled.”
“Ah know, bit that’s whit’s happened.”
“Right, get intae yer room and don’t come oot till the morra and don’t be surprised if yer da disnae come through and belt yer arse when he comes in. Ye’ll be gaun tae school the morra tae accept the belt.”
The next morning she’d marched him straight intae Batty’s office.
“He’s here tae take the belt,” she’d declared, aboot-turned and walked oot ae the room and oot ae the school.
It hid taken Batty aboot ten minutes tae gie him four big wans. Every time the Black Prince hid come whooshing doon towards his ootstretched hauns, Johnboy hid kept separating them at the last second and the belt hid ended up between Batty’s legs. Johnboy hid kept telling Batty that he couldnae help it because he wis nervous, as Batty kept oan swishing away at thin air, wae his face getting redder and redder. Johnboy’s fingers hid throbbed wae the stinging aw morning, bit he hidnae gied the auld crabbit basturt the pleasure ae seeing him greet.
Chapter Three
“This is Johnboy…the boy Ah wis telling ye aboot,” Tony said tae the two uglies lounging against the wall, nodding towards Johnboy, who’d jist arrived oan the scene.
“How ur ye daeing?” Paul McBride said, eyeing him up, the way a dug dis when it spots a cat.
“Awright, Johnboy?” Joe McManus chipped in, blowing smoke towards Johnboy’s face, a well-recognised wee smile appearing oan they lips ae his.
Paul McBride wis aboot the same height and build as Johnboy while Joe McManus wis slightly shorter and meaner looking. Johnboy noticed that the knuckles oan McManus‘s right haun hid dried scabs oan them. The baith ae them hid dirty blond hair and gied Johnboy the impression that they didnae gie a toss aboot anything or anywan. The last time Johnboy hid clocked them hid been ootside The Carlton picture hoose the previous Saturday, knocking fuck oot ae innocents like him. Johnboy wondered if they remembered that it hid been his big sisters that hid telt them tae piss aff and leave him alane ootside The Carlton. Tony hid arranged tae meet Johnboy at Sherbet’s, the newsagent and grocer shoap which wis jist opposite the school dining hut, oan McAslin Street.
“We’ve been conned. That basturt’s flogged us Park Drives insteid ae Embassies, and still charged us thrupence fur each single fag,” Paul growled, clearly no happy at being ripped aff.
The other two lifted their fags up tae their eyes, peering at the wee print oan the side ae them.
“Fuck-pig! The first chance Ah get, Ah’m tanning that robbing basturt’s shoap and helping masel tae aw his fags, except fur they cheap Park Drives ae his. That’ll sort the cheeky basturt oot,” Joe announced tae everywan in the empty street, shouting at the boarded-up shoap windae opposite them.
“Never mind, let’s hope his Madeira cake’s better than his single fags, eh?” Tony said, pulling oot a cake fae under his jaicket.
“Aye, that’ll teach the robbing tit,” Paul guffawed, as they aw laughed.
“Ah’m serious. Ah’m gonnae figure oot how tae get intae there,” Joe said, nodding towards Sherbet’s as they aw stood there looking at the fortress that Sherbert called a shoap.
Sherbet’s hid been in existence fur as long as Johnboy could remember. If it hidnae hid the big Woodbine fag sign ootside it, ye widnae hiv known it wis a shoap. There wis supposed tae be two big windaes, bit Sherbet and his brother hid covered them o’er wae sheets ae wood and a big metal grill. Johnboy and his mates hid aw sprayed or written their names oan them at wan time or another. Sherbet opened the shoap fae aboot five in the morning till aboot eleven at night. Wance ye went through the door, the coonter wis oan the right, while oan the left, there wis a wee bit ye could walk roond where he kept aw his breid loaves and cakes. He sold
everything ye could ever want. He wis always in a good mood, and everywan liked him, though he didnae take any shite fae anywan. He kept a big baton jist under the coonter, oot ae sight, and wid take it oot at the first sign ae trouble. Mind you, it hidnae stoapped him and his brother Abdul fae being held up and Sherbet being left wae a star-shaped dent oan the front ae his foreheid.
“Right, let’s go,” Tony announced, moving aff.
They heided doon tae St James Road, turned left and stoapped at the wee tobacconist shoap.
“Right, take yer pick, as long as it’s no the gas Ronson lighters oan the right,” Tony said tae the rest ae them.
“Ah’ll hiv the petrol wans oan the left,” said Paul.
“Mines ur the Swiss Army pen knives,” chipped in Joe.
“Whit ur ye fur, Johnboy?” Tony asked, as they aw looked at him.
Johnboy looked in the windae tae see whit wis left.
“Ah’ll hiv they big tins ae Castella cigars,” he said, sounding like an expert.
“Naw, that’s nae use, the tins ur only fur display. They’ll hiv fuck aw inside them,” Paul, the real expert, snorted.
“Okay, Ah’ll hiv the fancy box wae the pencils in it,” Johnboy said, pointing, and the rest ae them aw laughed at his choice.
“Right, that’s settled then. Aw we need noo is a big lorry and a stank cover,” Tony declared.
The laughing continued at the sight ae Johnboy’s blank expression.
“Ur ye really gonnae break intae this shoap?” he asked, feeling his guts starting tae churn.
“Why, whit dae ye think we’re daeing?” asked Tony.
“Ah thought we wur only playing at whit we’d want fae the shoap windae.”
“Why the fuck wid we dae something like that?” Tony retorted, as if Johnboy wis stupid or something.
“Ah don’t know,” Johnboy mumbled, feeling embrassed in front ae Joe McManus, who wis still gieing him the glad-eye.
“Found wan,” Paul shouted fae across the road beside the slater’s yard door.
They went across and looked at whit Paul hid found. The cast iron stank wis aboot six inches square and wis full ae holes tae drain the water aff the pavement when it rained. The pavements in the Toonheid wur full ae them and Johnboy and his pals used them fur playing marbles oan.
“We’ll need a stick or something tae get the dirt oot ae the sides before Ah kin get it oot,” said Paul.
They nipped through a closemooth intae wan ae the backs, looking fur anything they could find tae lift it oot. Tony spotted a lump ae wood wae a big nail sticking oot ae it. Efter leaning the stick up against the wall at an angle, Tony used the fit ae his left sandshoe tae hauf it in two. He pulled the middle apart and the nail drapped oan tae the ground. Paul picked it up and they trooped efter him, back tae where the stank wis waiting fur them oan the pavement. Paul scored the edges aw the way roond, lifting oot the dirt. Wan side looked promising and he started tae wiggle the nail intae the groove. A couple ae seconds later, there wis a lovely square hole in the pavement.
“Guaranteed tae break yer leg if ye’re no watching where ye’re gaun,” Paul said, laughing and scoring a bulls-eye wae a well aimed spit at the hole in the pavement, as they heided across the road tae the closemooth beside the shoap.
“Whit happens noo?” Johnboy asked.
“Hiv ye really never broken intae a shoap before?” Paul asked him, sounding surprised.
“Naw, this is ma first wan.”
“Aw, brilliant. Ye kin hiv the pleasure ae pitching the stank through the windae then,” Paul said, getting nods ae approval fae the other two, who wur staunin there wae big grins spead across their coupons.
“Bit Ah’m no sure whit tae dae.”
“It’s pish-easy, Johnboy. We’ll keep ye right…won’t we boys?” Tony said, looking at the other two, who nodded.
It wis starting tae get dark. The busy traffic that wis always coming back and fore fae Dobbies Loan and Stirling Road during the day hid slowed tae jist a trickle.
“Here’s how it works, Johnboy. Ye wait until a big lorry comes rolling past and as it slows doon or speeds up fur the junction, the engine revs up, and that’s when ye throw the stank cover straight through the glass,” Tony advised.
“This is the perfect place, so it is,” said Paul, looking aboot.
“See the traffic lights there? That means that aw the lorries will need tae slow doon when they approach the lights,” Tony said, pointing towards the traffic lights at the junction ae Parly Road, St James Road and Dobbies Loan.
“Ye need tae make sure that the lights ur at green though. Ye don’t want a big hairy-arsed lorry driver jumping oot at ye when he’s oan a red light,” Paul added, as Johnboy, no fur the first time since he’d met Tony, wondered whit the hell the teachers put in the school dinners in The Baby Rock up oan the Garngad.
“Aye, it widnae be the first time wan ae they basturts his jumped doon and tried tae nab us,” explained Joe, as Johnboy looked fae wan tae the other.
“Bit, how dae ye know they’ll slow doon wae their engines revving if the lights ur green?” Johnboy asked doubtfully.
“Who knows, bit take it fae us, they always dae.”
“Right, let’s see whit happens. We’ll staun here and hiv a wee dry run.”
They stood waiting fur a lorry. Some cars came by and stoapped at the lights, the people inside gieing them the wance o’er.
“Jist stare right back at them, Johnboy…that’s whit we always dae.”
“Aye, the aim is tae get them tae look away first. See? Ah telt ye. Mr Baldy, wae the auld bag sitting beside him, couldnae keep up his disapproval withoot his arse gieing in first,” Paul sniggered, clearly chuffed that another driver and his passenger hid bit the dust.
“Furget the wans that stoap at the lights, Johnboy…ye’re looking fur the wans that go straight through.”
A couple ae cars came fae each direction and went through the lights oan green, bit Johnboy couldnae see or hear any difference. Jist then, they turned in the direction ae the sound ae a big lorry coming fae Stirling Road. They heard it before they saw it, and then it appeared roond the bend at the secondary school gates, lumbering alang in their direction. It wis a big red BRS lorry, fully loaded and covered wae a tarpaulin that wis tied doon wae ropes. The noise ae the engine grew louder as it came closer. They kept looking between the lorry and the traffic lights. The lights wur at green as the lorry passed Rodger The Dodger’s, opposite the school.
“C’moan, ya big basturt, ye! Get yer arse moving,” somewan growled, as aw their heids swung back and forth between the lorry and the lights. Jist as the lorry reached them, the lights changed tae amber and then oan tae red, wae aboot twenty yards fur the lorry still tae go. The noise wis deafening, and they could feel the ground shake under their feet. There wis loud crunching, hissing and a roar ae the engine as the driver slowed doon gaun past them. Johnboy hidnae taken much notice ae the sound ae lorries before then.
“That’s him shifting doon his gears and pressing his fit doon oan tae his air brakes,” Tony shouted intae Johnboy’s lug, as the lorry came tae a stoap at the lights.
A minute or so later, the lorry coughed back intae life, as it took aff up Dobbies Loan, and disappeared o’er the brow ae the hill. They could still hear the gears crunching away in the distance.
“Whit dae ye think then?” Paul asked, looking at Johnboy.
“Ah kin see whit ye mean aboot the noise.”
“Right, here’s whit we dae. Paul, ye go doon tae the traffic lights and keep yer eye oan whit’s coming up and doon Parly Road. Joe, go and staun at the corner ae McAslin Street and keep yer eyes peeled there. When the next lorry comes through the traffic lights oan green, we’ll go fur it. As soon as the windae is tanned, masel and Johnboy will get oor stuff. That’ll leave you two space tae get in and oot. We’ll heid up McAslin Street and nip through the closes in Taylor Street. Fae there, we’ll heid straight through the backs intae Stanhope Street and then th
rough the closes tae the auld air raid shelter in the far corner, beside the back ae ma closemooth. Is everywan okay wae that?” Tony asked them, clearly no expecting any disagreement.
“Aye.”
“Nae bother.”
“Right, well, let’s get started then,” he said, grinning.
When Paul and Joe reached their corners, Tony turned tae Johnboy.
“When Ah tell ye tae, ye hiv tae staun in the middle ae the pavement and throw the stank, deid centre, intae the windae, Johnboy. Don’t look aboot ye and don’t follow the stank through wance it leaves yer haun. Wan time, we tanned a shoap and Paul jist aboot lost his heid when a big shard ae glass aboot three feet wide fell doon while his heid wis sticking through the windae. The only thing that saved him wis the fanny-pad bandage that wis wrapped aroond his neck, that the Green Lady hid gied him efter getting his boils lanced. We aw laugh aboot it noo bit it wisnae funny at the time. So, don’t go sticking yer heid anywhere before Ah gie ye a shout. Okay?”
“Goat ye.”
They could see cars and buses coming and gaun up and doon Parly Road. The buses didnae go via St James Road so aw they goat there wis cars. Efter aboot five minutes, they heard the lorries before they saw them. A Taylor’s lorry swung intae Dobbies Loan fae Kennedy Street, jist up fae the lights where Paul wis staunin. At the same time, a BRS wagon appeared o’er the hill oan Dobbies Loan itsel, coming fae the same direction. The lights hid jist turned green. Tony stepped forward, bent doon and picked up the metal stank which wis leaning against the wall, underneath the windae. He haunded it tae Johnboy, who hidnae realised it wid be so heavy. He could feel its cauldness against the palm ae his hauns, as his fingers automatically curled intae the holes oan the flat sides, gieing him a good grip.