by Ian Todd
Johnboy stood tae the side as Skull lifted up a trap door fae under where he’d been staunin beside the door. Johnboy looked doon and saw that apart fae the light shining doon intae the opening, it wis pitch black. There wis a ladder nailed oan tae the lip ae the opening that stretched doon intae the dungeon.
“Right, oan ye go. Ah’ll follow ye doon.”
“Me? Er, Ah’m a wee bit feart ae the dark, so Ah am.”
“There’s fuck aw doon there.”
“So, ye go doon first then.”
“Ah cannae believe ye. Oot ae ma way,” Skull said, and disappeared doon the hole like a wee bald-heided rat.
When Johnboy followed him doon and stood beside him at the bottom, Skull telt him no tae move. He then nipped back up the ladder, and pulled the trap door shut wae a slam. The place went instantly black. Johnboy jist aboot shat himsel when Skull landed, feet first beside him.
“Fur fuck’s sake, Skull!”
“Wait a minute and yer eyes will get used tae the dark. And anyway, Ah thought youse carrot-heids could see in the dark?”
“Only if ye eat carrots mair than wance a week,” Johnboy replied, as his eyes started tae get used tae the blackness.
“The last carrot Ah tasted, hid a taste ae mince aff ae it. It wis in a school dinner. Fucking horrible, so it wis. Ah prefer them raw masel.”
“That’s how ye’re supposed tae eat them. That and in soup as well.”
“Ah know, that’s whit Ah’ve jist said, ya daft eejit, ye.”
“Is that wee windaes?” Johnboy asked, nodding.
Johnboy’s eyes wur noo in full working order and he wis looking o’er at the four wee narrow beams ae light that wur shining doon horizontally oan tae the flair fae each wall.
“Aye, they’re jist big enough tae let in some air and enough light that the doos kin see whit’s gaun oan. There’s nae glass in them. See the heavy mesh wire oan the insides ae them? That’s tae stoap the rats getting in. Wance they invade, yer doos hiv nae chance.”
“So, whit happens doon here then, apart fae scaring carrot-heids like masel shitless wae aw that slamming ae trapdoors? Nae wonder hinging his a bad name.”
“This is where yer hens hiv their chicks. They like their peace and quiet and the dark as well.”
“Oh, right.”
“Aye, wait tae ye see the wee beauties we produce doon here. They ugly fuckers, the Murphys, ur no gonnae know whit’s hit them. Ah’’ve goat big plans fur this place, so Ah hiv.”
“Too true, ye hiv. Ah cannae wait tae get involved.”
“Right, let’s get back up and make sure that pair ae lazy basturts ur daeing whit they’re supposed tae be daeing.”
“So, whit dae ye think then, Johnboy?” Tony asked, emptying bird shit aff the end ae his shavehook wae his finger intae a box.
“Bloody brilliant, so it is. Ah cannae believe it’s oors.”
“Aye, well, we’ll need tae speak aboot that.”
“Goat ye, ya fud, ye!” Joe shouted gleefully, jumping up and doon oan the carpet-covered cot, looking o’er at the other three wae a big grin oan his coupon.
He wis haudin up a wee blue tranny that looked familiar and which hid music blaring oot ae it.
‘This is the Mike Ahern Show, believe it or not. Your DJ, Mike A, Radio Caroline, on one-one-nine, your all-day radio station. This is the All Systems Go Show’ the voice jingled, followed by the sounds ae the Everly Brothers’ ‘Price Ae Love’ blasting oot intae the cabin.
“Bloody brilliant, Joe,” Skull shouted, daeing an impression ae a wee baldy Partick Thistle player, dancing in a filthy, oot-ae-date fitba jersey and whose fitba boot studs wur aw worn doon tae the white soles, bit who looked as if he wis sucking oan a bit ae wire that wis still live, hinging oot ae a wall socket.
Tony jumped oan tae the dance flair and started strutting roond in a circle, hauns at his sides, looking like a doo that wis jist aboot tae get its hole. Hivving never danced before didnae put Johnboy aff either. He jumped straight in and made an even bigger arse ae himsel than the rest ae them by pretending that he wis playing the guitar as the Stones’ ‘It’s Aw O’er Noo’ filled the cabin. They aw eventually sat doon when ‘Colour’ by Donovan came oan.
“Where did the tranny come fae then?” Johnboy asked Joe.
“Aye, well...Ah decided tae hing oan tae this fur the cabin so didnae coont it when Ah said how many we nicked. Pretty cool, eh?”
“Magic!”
“Right, we need tae figure oot how we’re gonnae pay aff next week’s money. Any ideas?” Tony asked them, as he picked up the bucket ae dirty water and heaved it oot ae the door.
“Aye, tell them tae eat ma shite because we’re no paying,” Skull shouted, as everywan burst oot laughing.
“How much hiv we goat in the kitty?” Johnboy asked.
“Efter haunin o’er the twenty tae they Murphy basturts, we’re left wae three pounds, fifteen bob and sixpence ha’penny exactly. Isn’t that right, Joe?” Skull said.
“Bang oan.”
“So, how dae we find sixteen pound, five bob before next weekend?”
“Skull kin spend aw week doon in the toilets ae Dundas Street bus station.”
“Right, that’ll take care ae five bob fur the week then. Whit aboot the rest?” Tony said through the laughter.
“Five bobs, five bob,” Skull sang, joining in.
“Seriously, we’re goosed if we cannae pay oan the spot next weekend,” Johnboy reminded them.
“Briquettes?”
“That’ll gie us six pound less five bob fur the horse and cart. That’ll still leaves us ten pound ten bob short.”
“Trannys?”
“We’d need at least ten or eleven trannys tae cover that. That’s at least three shoaps worth, tae make sure we get the amount we need.”
“No forgetting we’d maybe need wan or two days tae get the briquettes across the Nolly.”
“How aboot lifting the lead aff the roofs ae the schools and chapels roond aboot here? There’s plenty tae choose fae.” Joe suggested.
“Or, the green roof at the back ae the building beside the gates ae Sighthill Cemetery. Ah heard that that’s where they keep aw the records ae who’s planted there. The roof is covered wae copper sheets. It’s the weather that’s turned the sheets green.”
“Is it? Ah never knew that,” Johnboy said.
“That’s cause ye’re thick and we’re no,” Skull chipped in.
“It wid mean daeing an all-nighter in the dark. Kin ye imagine the faces ae aw the workmen who’d clock ye, while sitting oan the buses smoking their fags, gaun up and doon Springburn Road tae their work, if we did it during the day?”
“Naw, let’s leave that wan the noo. That’s a good wee wan tae haud oan tae fur a rainy day,” Tony said.
“Or night,” Skull chipped in fur good measure.
“Why dae we no jist tan the Murphys’ loft?” Johnboy asked aw ae a sudden.
Silence.
“Fucking good wan, Johnboy,” Joe said eventually, sniggering.
“Imagine the fun they pricks wid hiv, screwing oor baws oan tae a builder’s plank efter booting them fur hauf a morning.”
“Whit? Whit did Ah say?”
“Johnboy, that’s whit Ah like aboot ye…ye’ve no goat a bloody clue. Who the fuck invited him tae run aboot wae us in the first place, eh? Wis that you, Tony, ya daft Atalian, ye?” asked Joe.
“They’d be oan tae us like the rash ma sister goat treated fur up in Black Street. Aye and it’s no whit youse think it wis...Ah think,” Tony said, tae mair laughter.
“Whit’s wrang wae tanning the Murphys’ loft then? How many times hiv ye tanned a dookit and goat aff wae it? Look at Mad Malky and his dug fae Possil? Ye never goat caught fur that wan, did ye?”
“We’re game enough, Johnboy, bit no bloody stupid either.”
“Aye, well, tae hell wae this. We kin aw think aboot how we raise the rest ae the dosh later. Let’s get that wee hen or the doo oot aff
ae that board and gie them a wee bit ae exercise. Johnboy, Joe...nip doon and check that none ae the Murphys’ doos ur up and oan the go. Ah don’t want tae lose this pair before Ah trade them in the morra,” Skull said.
When Joe and Johnboy went in search ae the Murphys’ doos, Joe telt Johnboy whit hid happened that morning wae the bizzies.
“We’d jist come up o’er the roof, efter gieing Horsey John the dosh and collecting the keys fur the cabin. Skull turned up, saying that there must’ve been a Friday morning mass oan at St Mungo’s as he’d noticed that they still hid their collection boxes...the wans that sit oan the end ae a pole, sitting leaning against the wall in the vestry, jist in fae the front door. It wis jist too good tae ignore. He came running o’er, aw excited, shouting whit wis happening. We wur jist hauf way through Tony’s close when that pair ae bampots jumped oot oan us. The sergeant came in through the front, behind us, and Crisscross nipped in the back ae the closemooth.”
“Christ’s sake. Whit did youse dae then?”
“We charged up the stairs wae the pair ae them up oor arses. Crisscross wis shouting ‘Goat ye, ya wee manky basturts, there’s nae escape noo.’ As soon as we hit the first flair landing, we aw nipped o’er the banister and drapped doon tae where we started. Skull couldnae resist shouting in mid-air, as we flew past them, ‘Hiv ye fuck, ya skelly-eyed basturt.’ They wur so bloody surprised that they ended up crashing intae each other, like something oot ae the Keystone Cops, when Crisscross whirled roond tae come back doon the stairs efter us. Gie him his due though, that skelly-eyed wanker kin shift. Ah thought they’d captured us the way he wis bounding up the stairs, three at a time. That’s when we bumped intae you.”
“Aye, Ah jist aboot shat masel when Ah saw whit wis behind youse, coming towards me through aw they puddles.”
Chapter Thirty Nine
“Gerrup! Ma ma says if she his tae come through tae ye, it will be wae a high heel shoe in her haun.”
“Aw, fuck aff, Norma!”
“Did ye hear that, Ma? Black Boab his jist telt me tae fuck aff,” Norma screamed, aiming that voice ae hers alang the lobby.
“Norma, did Ah fuck!” Johnboy screamed back, hoping his shout ae innocence wid get tae his ma before Norma’s did.
“Ma, did ye hear that? He’s jist swore again.”
Johnboy jumped oot ae bed efter Norma disappeared oot ae his bedroom. He stood stretching, facing the windae, yawning. He never heard a thing and only noticed the shoe wae the five inch stiletto heel oan it efter it scudded aff the back ae his napper and bounced aff ae the windae frame. It wis wan ae the sorest things he’d ever felt in his entire life. He reckoned he must’ve been really tired tae hiv let his guard doon…probably wae aw the excitement ae the day before.
“Aw, Ma, whit wis that fur?” he howled in agony, touching his skull, checking his fingers aboot a dozen times within the space ae five seconds, tae see if there wis any sign ae blood.
“Ah sent yer sister through tae get ye up, so Ah did. So, if ye swear at her, ye’re swearing at me. So, stoap yer whining and get through here. No the morra or the next day, bit the noo. Hiv Ah made masel clear?”
“Fucking cunt!” he mumbled under his breath.
“Whit did ye jist say? Eh?” she demanded, eyes narrowed and wearing the wummin-posessed look that she kept in reserve fur the likes ae him.
“Ah said that wis some dunt, so it wis.”
“Whit wis?”
“That shoe wae the spike stuck oan its heel. Whoever made that should be in the jail. That’s an illegal weapon, so it is. Ye nearly killed me,” he whimpered, touching his freshly laid egg, still finding it hard tae believe that his fingers wurnae covered in blood.
“Away ye go, ya wee damp cloth, ye. Ah hardly touched ye. Wait until Ah dae gie ye a real crack oan that skull ae yers. Ye’ll soon know aw aboot it then.”
And wae that, she aboot-turned in his da’s slippers and disappeared.
When Johnboy went intae the kitchen, they wur aw sitting waiting fur him. As well as his ma, Isabelle, Anne and Norma, the icing oan the cake wis sitting there puffing away oan a fag...Betty fae next door. It wis like every boy’s nightmare…aw in the wan room. No only hid he jist been screamed awake by a mad hairy ae a sister, assaulted wae a stiletto shoe oan his napper…which wis still throbbing…by a crazy wummin, bit he’d made the mistake ae arriving oan the scene bare-chested. He tried tae dae an aboot-turn before anywan clocked he wis there, bit he’d left it too late.
“Aw, there’s ma favourite wee man noo,” Betty cried oot. “C’moan and gie yer Auntie Betty a big wet kiss, Johnboy.”
Despite the throbbing oan the back ae his nut, he dived intae emergency plan B by attempting tae shuffle towards the sink, jist oot ae Betty’s reach. Because ae his pain haze, he forgoat that Norma wis sitting oan the chair by the table. Oan route, she gied him a wee push as he slinked by her, and he ended up in the erms ae Betty.
“Aw, haud oan, Big Boy. Take yer time...we’ve goat aw day,” Betty cackled, tae the merriment ae the others.
She then grabbed him by the lugs and planted a big wet lipstick kiss oan tae the middle ae his foreheid. He tried tae be calm by no throwing up doon the crack between they paps ae hers, which wur aboot four inches away fae his gub. He’d jist managed tae untangle himsel fae her grip, mumbling “Hello Betty,” and acting as if being oan his ain wae this bunch ae psychos wis like any other normal day, when she struck again, only this time, the pain wis up there wae the stilleto. The evil witch tweaked that left nipple ae his between her thumb and forefinger.
“Aw, he’s a right handsome wee stoater, so he is,” Betty cooed, as he felt his nipple being turned like the stoaper on the neck ae an Irn Bru bottle.
He didnae hiv time tae compare which wis the sorest…the high heel oan the back ae his napper or his nipple being crushed between fingers that hid jist turned intae a pair ae pliers…bit he lost his battle tae stay cool.
“Yeeowww!” he howled in agony, as he shot o’er tae the safety ae the sink, engulfed by mair cackling laughter fae The Ugly Sisters and the Hard-up Twins.
“There’s a couple ae slices ae toast sitting there waiting fur ye, Johnboy,” his ma said, no appearing tae gie a toss aboot him and his poor nipple.
“Aw, here’s another fine man!” Betty let oot, when Johnboy’s da walked in, bare-chested and in his bare feet as well.
“Aye, hellorerr Betty. Ah hope aw youse lassies hivnae been upsetting ma wee boy noo. It sounded as if a cat hid been stood oan a minute ago,” he said, gieing Johnboy a wink.
“Ach, ye know us girls, Jimmy. We’re jist hivving a wee laugh and a chatter amongst wursels. Is that no right, girls?”
“Oh aye,” they aw chirped, like a bunch ae demented geese.
“Whit ur ye up tae the day, Johnboy?” his da asked, yawning and reaching fur a slice ae Johnboy’s toast.
“Fleeing the doos.”
“Fleeing the doos?”
“Aye, me and ma pals hiv goat oorsels a dookit.”
“Dae ye hear that, girls? We’ve goat a doo man in the hoose noo.”
“Well, keep them oot ae here. Ah don’t want ma hoose full ae lice. There’s enough ae them in here awready withoot him adding tae them,” Ma said tae the witches, who aw cackled.
“That sounds really good, Johnboy. Ah’ve never been intae them masel. Ah cannae see the attraction, bit you go fur it. Anything Ah kin dae tae help ye, jist gie’s a shout. Okay?”
“Aye, thanks, Da.”
“Oh, that reminds me. Flypast his been trying tae get a haud ae ye fur the past few days noo,” Ma said, lighting up a fag efter tossing wan across tae Betty.
“When?”
“The past couple ae days...something aboot yer dookit. He says ye’ve tae gie him a shout.”
“Right, Ah’m aff then.”
“Where tae?” Ma demanded, looking o’er at his da, who wis avoiding her eyes.
“Tae flee the doos,” Johnboy mumbled, shooting oot ae the room.
>
He grabbed his jumper fae the bedroom before taking aff doon the stairs, three at a time, pulling oan his jumper oan the way. His left tit felt as if somewan hid taken a blowtorch tae it. Every time he jumped three mair stairs, his jumper moved up and doon and the sizzling started up again. That bloody Betty, he thought tae himsel.
Johnboy heided roond tae Flypast’s dookit bit he wisnae there. He nipped up and knocked oan Flypast’s door and his auld maw said he wis aff tae see some boys aboot a dookit.
It wis a shite day aw roond when he looked back oan it. First, he’d been scudded wae a high heel oan the back ae his napper fur lying too long in his bed, no harming anywan. Then a mad wummin hid squashed his left nipple between her fat fingers and turned it intae a swollen sultana fur nae reason other than tae get his attention while she telt him how handsome he looked. This hid forced him intae daeing an impression ae Tom fae a Tom and Jerry cartoon, in front ae the evilest bunch ae wummin this side ae Parly Road. Then, tae tap it aw aff, he goat lifted by the polis oan McAslin Street.
The bizzy must’ve been a good driver. Johnboy heard the wheels screech and before he knew whit wis happening, the polis car swerved right in front ae him and came tae a complete stoap against the metal shuttered door ae the wee factory across fae the wummin painter’s close oan McAslin Street. The fact that the shutter door wis set back aboot eighteen inches fae the ootside wall meant he couldnae nip roond the front ae the car withoot being nabbed by the driver or the other wan in the passenger seat. He’d the choice ae either skipping o’er the bonnet or turning roond and running back the way he’d come, which wis whit he decided tae dae. The passenger bizzy sussed that wan oot, and threw open his door, which hit Johnboy full oan and bounced him back, clattering the back ae his awready sore heid oan tae the metal shuttered door which rippled like wan ae they dancers’ bellies oot ae the ‘Sinbad’ films.
“Goat ye, ya wee shitehoose, ye!” a voice snarled, as Johnboy felt himsel being lifted up by the scruff ae his jumper, his nipple feeling as if somewan wis rubbing a bit ae sandpaper o’er it.
His scream ae pain wis like something oot ae a Hammer Hoose ae Horror film and he wis immediately drapped back oan tae the deck, writhing in agony.