by Ian Todd
“Really? Dearer than a packet ae fags then?”
“Nae comparison.”
“Right, Wan-bob, drap aff hauf a dozen the morra fur wee Kirsty here,” The Big Man hid said.
“So, whit dae ye think then?” she repeated.
“Aboot whit?”
“Ma new hair piece.”
“Ah preferred the haystack ye hid before.”
“Aye, well, you wid, seeing as where ye wur born?”
“Eh? Kirsty, hen, Ah don’t get that wan? Whit the fuck’s whit Ah jist said goat tae dae wae where Ah wis born?”
“Never mind…maybe someday.”
“So, how’s ma group? Aw set?”
“They’ll be here at hauf three tae set up and dae a sound check. Ah’ll be away at quarter tae two…sharp. Ah’ll need tae get hame tae get ready. Under nae circumstances say a word tae them. Leave them tae get oan wae it and everything’ll be jist fine and dandy. Ye know how sensitive these artists ur?”
“A swift kick in the auld hee-haws wid soon sort aw that artistic shite oot.”
“Aye, well…that’s fur another group at another time.”
“Whit time will ye be back then?”
“Quarter tae five.”
“Whit? Only three hours tae get a bath and put a wee bit ae pan-stick oan. Ur ye sure that’ll gie ye enough time?”
“Pat, ye’d be well-advised tae stay oot ae ma way the day. Ah’ve gied up gaun tae see The Beatstalkers at The Locarno up in Sauchiehall Street the night and Ah need this pig-sty ae a place ae yers sorted oot before Ah heid aff up the road.”
“Ye won’t even know Ah’m here. Whit dae ye want me tae dae?”
“Ah need a helper tae help me re-arrange the layout in here.”
“Is that it?
“There’s wan other thing.”
“Whit?”
“There will be a couple ae extra guests coming the night.”
“Who?”
“Ah’ve invited a couple ae the record company people alang tae check oot the group. Ah don’t know if they’ll turn up though.”
“Which wans?”
“Bad Tidings, Gaun Fur A Song and Transatlantic, who’ve goat an office here in the toon.”
“As long as they don’t expect free beer and a ringside seat.”
“Don’t ye worry. Ah’ll pay fur their pie and peas, Mr Minge.”
“Is that it?”
“Tell Tiny they’ve tae get in withoot any hassle at the door.”
“Who his?”
“The record company people, fur Christ’s sake, Pat!”
“Aw right…calm doon. Don’t get they knickers ae yours in a knot. Anything else?”
“That’ll dae fur noo. So, whit ur ye gonnae be daeing while we’re aw slaving aboot the place?”
“Ah’ll be sitting o’er here, dishing oot the orders as they come up. Don’t ye worry aboot me, hen…Ah’ll be fine. And talking aboot fine, here’s a fine man noo.”
“Hellorerr Pat. Whit dae ye want me tae dae?”
“Ye’re wae Kirsty, Calum. Anything she asks ae ye, ye dae it. Hiv ye goat that?”
“Goat it, Pat.”
“Right, Calum, ye kin start shifting they tables fae there tae there,” Kirsty said, picking up her Jackie magazine.
11.00 A.M.
“Oh aye, he’s back, wance aw the hard work’s done,” Skull announced, as Johnboy arrived through the beads.
“Aye, Ah’m sorry. Ah hid tae go and get ma school gear fur Monday, doon in Martha Street yesterday. Ma ma widnae let me oot aw day. Ah wis up here twice though, wance in the efternoon and wance last night looking fur youse, bit youse wurnae here.”
“That’s because we wur slaving away, planning the robbery ae the century withoot any help fae you.”
“Skull, shut yer geggy!” Tony said.
“Is this the egg boxes?”
“Aye, Joe’s away doon tae see if he kin get two mair. That’ll make eight boxes, which should be plenty.”
“So, where wur youse aff slaving tae yesterday? Ah wis aw o’er the place trying tae track youse doon.”
“We spent aw efternoon watching whit wis gaun oan up oan the Murphys’ roof fae the stairheid landing windae across the back fae them. They’re fairly beavering away, trying tae get that other landing board finished. There wis a couple ae them up oan the roof aw day, hammering and sawing away.”
“Aye, ye missed yersel as well. We skipped intae The Classic picture hoose doon at the bottom ae Renfield Street last night tae watch aw the dirty films. Ye should’ve seen aw the flopping paps that wur oan the go.”
“Ah wis roond by yours yesterday morning, seeing Flypast, so everything’s okay that end. Ah tried whistling up at yer windae,” Tony said.
“Ah hid a run in wae The Supremes so Ah couldnae hiv heard ye.”
“Right, take these, Skull,” Joe said, as an egg box appeared through the beads.
The boxes wur aw stacked up alang the wall beside the nesting boxes and wur made ae double thick cardboard tae protect the eggs, wae wee cut oot bits at each end tae get yer fingers in tae lift them up.
“Fuck’s sake, wan ae these is rancid, Joe.”
“Aye, Ah know. Some ae the eggs inside must’ve goat broken during transport. Ye should feel at hame then.”
“Ha, fucking ha!”
“Right, noo that we’re aw here. Let’s run through where we ur and whit’s happening,” Tony said, like the guy in ‘The Great Escape’ jist before they aw shot the craw oot ae the camp.
“Am Ah in the Murphy’s loft?”
“Skull, jist haud yer horses, fur fuck’s sake. Ah hivnae even started.”
“Well, am Ah?”
“Aye, noo shut yer arse and let me speak. We need tae get this right first time. We wullnae get another chance later oan when the shite starts tae fly.”
“Ma lips ur sealed fae noo oan,” Mr Magoo said, settling doon oan the flair, as The Beatles sang tae everywan that there wis actually eight days in a week oan Radio Caroline.
“Right, listen up. Efter Ah stoap speaking, we need tae get the egg boxes shifted doon tae St James Road and up tae the exit loft. Take two boxes each and heid doon there in different directions. We widnae want anywan tae see us humphing them aw thegither, seeing as whit we’re aboot tae dae. It’s gonnae be daylight when we’re up oan the roof as it disnae get dark till late. The neighbours ur used tae seeing people working up there, bit try and keep yer faces covered...and Skull, don’t wear yer Celtic tammy.”
“Aw, fuck!”
“And another thing, keep the noise doon. We need tae be up that loft nae later than sevenish, before the films come oan the telly. We kin aw meet doon at the close efter the Val Doonican Show.”
“Why efter the Val Doonican Show?”
“Because people will start tae settle doon tae watch the John Wayne movie that’s oan the telly the night and ur no likely tae be up and aboot looking oot ae their kitchen windaes. Joe’s nicked an alarm clock fae hame so we’ll know whit the time is. Whitever ye dae, don’t fuck aboot wae it and let aff the alarm wance we’re in the loft. Masel and Skull will be oan the roof first tae tan in the landing board box that’s under construction. Wance we knock oor way in, Skull will nip in and Ah’ll shift back o’er tae the wan nearest oor loft. That’s where Ah’ll be anchored fur the rest ae the night. Wance that’s aw done and dusted, Joe will move oan tae the ridge ae the roof when Ah gie him the signal. Johnboy, ye’re in the exit loft aw night. Ye start haunin wan egg box at a time up tae Joe, who’ll ferry the boxes back and forth. There should only be wan box oan that roof at any wan time. Hiv youse aw goat that?”
“Right, Tony.”
“Aye.”
“Ah’ve spoken tae Flypast. Aw the learner driver cars will be doon at The Atholl at the bottom ae Stanhope Street fae seven oanwards. Calum will nip doon there, bang oan nine o’clock, and tell The Driving Instructor tae start sending alang the drivers every five minutes. He’ll then nip back up tae the close
where ye’ll haun doon wan box at a time tae him, Johnboy. He’ll then nip back doon the stairs and haun them o’er as each driver appears. Ye’ll hiv tae pay attention noo, Johnboy, cause Joe will be haunin in the egg boxes tae ye fae the roof wae the doos in them and Calum will probably be hinging aboot oan the landing at the same time, waiting fur ye tae pass them doon tae him. So, get the boxes doon tae Calum as soon as ye kin. We’re fucked if some wee wummin opens her door oan the landing and he’s hinging aboot. Wance the second last box is doon wae Calum, make sure tae tell him that that’s him done and he kin heid aff back tae the pub. Wance we’ve goat the last box, which will hiv the three big Horsemen in it, Ah’ll deal wae that and get oor money aff The Driving Instructor. Don’t come back here tae the cabin. Hightail it straight hame and we’ll get thegither again the morra morning, back here in the cabin. The first thing they Murphys ur gonnae dae is heid roond here when they get hame and find oot that they’ve been raided. When they see we’re no here, they’ll then heid back here in the morning. We need tae be here when they arrive. And Skull, don’t bloody gie them any lip. They’ll be dying tae murder somewan, so let’s try and make sure it isnae gonnae be wan ae us. Is there anything youse don’t understaun?”
Silence.
“Wur we no supposed tae be paying them their money the day?” Joe asked.
“Aye…Ah went roond tae The McAslin Bar this morning tae see Shaun tae see if Ah could leave it till the morra before gieing him the dosh. The Big Man said he wisnae there and asked me why Ah wanted tae see him. Ah telt him it wis tae dae wae the money we owed him and he telt me tae come back the morra wae it as Shaun wis gonnae be oot and aboot aw day…how’s that fur luck?” Tony said as everywan laughed.
11.45 A.M.
“Awright, Pat?”
“Awright, Shaun.”
“Whit dae ye want me tae dae?”
“How ur we daeing fur drink?”
“Ah’ve jist brought o’er that case ae White Horse that Frankie MacDonald sent ye.”
“Aye, he’s no daft, is oor Frankie. He thinks he’s aff the hook. Ah sent word doon tae Dunoon tae tell him Ah expect tae see him the night and aw is furgiven. Ah’ll deal wae him later. In the meantime, who’ve we goat picking up the sick, the lame and the lazy?”
“Wan-bob and Charlie Hastie. Wan-bob will hiv the the Jag and Charlie Hastie’s in the Zephyr Six. Peter The Plant’s in reserve wae the Mark Two.”
“Mind and tell them Ah want plastic sheets oan they seats, especially oan the way hame. That good Jag ae mine smelt as if some basturt hid spilt a bucket ae ammonia in it efter Donna’s wedding.”
“Ah thought it smelt ae cats pish masel.”
“Right, Ah’ve goat Tam the Bam o’er fae The Grafton in charge ae the bar the night. Keep yer eyes oan him. He’s honest enough…that’s why Ah’ve goat him in…bit ye never know.”
“Aw the boys, including masel, wur hoping tae hiv a good wee swally the night.”
“And so youse aw should. Youse hiv earned it. Jist tell Wan-bob and Charlie they’ve no tae get too legless as Ah widnae want any ae the locals tae think Ah didnae care aboot the auld wans.”
1.30 P.M.
Joe put his finger tae his lips while he listened at the hoose door oan the landing. Two seconds later, he wis staunin in the middle ae the landing wae his hauns clasped thegither in front ae him. Tony wis oan tae them like a shot and moved the hatch tae the side and slithered up and intae the loft. Johnboy and Skull started tae haun the egg boxes o’er tae Joe who passed them up. Joe pulled a wee roond alarm clock wae a bell oan the tap ae it oot ae his jaicket and threw it up through the hole. It only took a few seconds before Tony wis back doon, pulling the hatch back intae place.
1.45 P.M.
They’d heided up tae the canal and wur noo sitting watching a squad ae boys their ain age, playing oan a couple ae homemade rafts. Each raft wis made up ae an oil drum sitting in the middle wae lengths ae wood strapped roond the ootside. Three ae them sat oan each drum as if they wur oan a horse and paddled themsels aboot using lengths ae door facings. The two boys at the front ae each raft wur wearing auld rusty war hats that they’d jist fished oot ae the water. Johnboy and the others wur hivving a good laugh, jist sitting watching them screaming every time the rafts hid a wobble. Skull wis touting fur bets oan which wan wid capsize first.
“Ah clocked that fat pal ae yours in the street earlier, by the way,” Skull said tae Johnboy.
“Ye mean yer fat-arsed swimming buddy?” Johnboy retorted.
“Whit? The fat basturt didnae droon efter diving in wae Baby’s woollen trunks dragging him tae the bottom then?” Joe asked, laughing.
“Did ye see they mates ae his wearing they Corporation bathing trunks? Bloody funny, that wis.”
“Did ye clock him, or did he clock you, Skull?” Tony asked.
“We clocked each other at the same time.”
“Where aboot wis that?”
“When Ah wis heidin alang Kennedy Street, heiding doon tae youse.”
“So, he saw ye wae the egg boxes?”
“Well, Ah widnae hiv goat away wae sticking them up ma jersey.”
“Did he see where ye wur gaun?”
“Naw, he gied me a body swerve.”
“Ur ye sure noo?”
“Aye, Ah’m sure. Why? Whit’s the problem?”
“Nothing.”
“Hiv ye no noticed how Fat Boy always seems tae turn up when ye’re no expecting it?” Joe asked, as a blood curling shriek shattered the stillness fae wan ae the boys farting aboot oan the raft, as it righted itsel, tae the relief ae everywan sitting oan tap ae the oil drums.
“Well, he’ll gie the baths a wide berth fae noo oan, that’s fur sure,” Johnboy mused, sitting wae his knees up, his chin resting oan them.
“Naw, bit, did we no clock that fat arse ae his the day the stash goat nicked?” Joe asked, looking at them, as everywan’s eyes lit up wae interest.
“Ah cannae remember seeing him. Ah still think it wis Johnboy or wan ae they Proddy pals ae his that robbed us,” chipped in Skull, looking across at Johnboy, smiling.
“Ye did see him. He nipped intae the sweetie shoap beside oor school oan St James Road. Ah remember ye shouting something at him when we wur oan the horse and cart,” Johnboy said, remembering. “Ye don’t think he’s goat something tae dae wae oor dosh being nicked, dae ye, Tony?”
“Ah don’t know. Ah widnae put it past the fat basturt. We need tae keep oor eyes oot fur him fae noo oan.”
“Why don’t we jist get a haud ae him or wan ae his mates and we’ll soon find oot?”
“Skull, he didnae clock ye coming oot ae the cabin, did he?”
“Ah doubt it. It wis at the Dobbie’s Loan end ae Kennedy Street where Ah clocked that fat arse ae his stomping towards me.”
2.00 P.M.
“Check who Ah kin see wobbling towards us?” The Sarge said, tossing his empty fish and chip wrapper oot ae the car windae.
“Lovely! Who?” Crisscross asked, taking the last ae his fingers oot ae his gub, efter hivving been sucking and licking the salt and vinegar aff ae them fur the past two minutes.
“Oor wee special undercover agent.”
“No The Singing Canary?”
“The very wan.”
“Where?”
“He’s jist crossed the road, coming towards us, behind that Barrs’ lorry, up aheid.”
“Aye, Ah’ve goat him. Ah wonder whit he’s been torturing the day?”
“We’ll soon find oot.”
“Hello there, Alex,” Crisscross said, oot ae the passenger side windae.
“Hello Cr...Ah mean, sir.”
“Whit ur ye up tae?”
“Nothing. Ah’m jist gaun tae meet ma pals.”
“So, whit’s happening then?” The Sarge asked, leaning across Crisscross tae see the whites ae the wee fat sly fucker’s eyes. “Come closer, where Ah kin see ye. That’s better.”
“Ah saw that wee baldy wan aboot an hour ago.�
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“Skull?”
“Aye, and he wis carrying a couple ae big egg boxes.”
“Where did he go?”
“Ah don’t know. He wis heiding doon towards St James Road.”
“Whit’s doon there that he’d be humphing a couple ae egg boxes tae?”
“Ah don’t know.
“Did ye follow him?”
“Naw.”
“Why no?”
“Cause him and his mates took oor towels and trunks aff ae us when we wur at the baths yesterday.”
“Wis that no yer chance tae go o’er and knock fuck oot ae him the day, seeing as he wis oan his lonesome? He’s a wee skinny runt compared tae you.”
“Aye, bit he kin fight like fuck.”
“Ah’m sure wae your weight and size, he widnae staun a chance.”
“Aye, bit he’s goat aw his mates.”
“So, whit else’s daeing wae ye, Alex?”
“Did ye consider ma request fur a whistle oan a chain?”
“We spoke tae the inspector. He says we’d need tae get some real good information tae haun o’er a real polis whistle.”
“Well, er, Ah might hiv something that his a connection wae the egg boxes.”
“Spit it oot.”
“Ah heard they’ve taken o’er the Murphys’ cabin.”
“Who his?”
“The Mankys.”
“Nah! There’s no way the Murphys wid gie that up. Even if they did, they widnae haun it o’er tae they wee toe-rags.”
“Well, that’s whit Ah heard anyway.”
“So, whit’s the connection wae the egg boxes then?”
“They’re used fur shifting aboot piles ae doos at the wan time.”
“So?”
“Cabin, dookits, doos?”
“Oh, right, goat ye.”
“So, whit else?”
“That’s it.”
“Nothing mair?”
“Naw.”
“Aye, okay…well, we’ll see ye later.”
“Will Ah get ma whistle noo?”
“Ah think ye’re gonnae need mair than that, Alex. Better luck next time, eh?”