“I– I’m not sure,” I lied.
I had to swallow hard, for my tongue seemed to thicken as I said the words. I know exactly where I had been and what I had seen, but surely, a lie to soothe is better than hurting with the truth.
“For a time, I couldn’t even feel you. Our bond was smothered by darkness.”
The words tore at my heart and I clutched him to me. “You’ll n–n….” I struggled with the lie. “Never lose me, Breandan.”
He stiffened. “Your find it harder to lie now.”
I buried my head in his shoulder. “I don’t want to hurt you,” I said. “I want you to feel like you can trust me.”
“It’ll take time for you to get used to being truthful.” He paused. “Of course soon you will have no choice. It would be better for you if you tried to speak only the truth. Alright?” I nodded. “Besides,” he continued in a light voice. “You are older than me. You should be setting a good example.”
I snorted. “Yeah, two hundred years senior. How does that work again?”
His brows mashed together. “This upsets you.”
Hell yes. I slid off his lap onto the soft grass. “You don’t have to declare my mood to the world each time you figure me out.”
His head cocked. “Now you’re mad.” I gritted my teeth. Breandan ran a finger down the bridge of my nose, over my pressed lips and tense jaw. “So angry,” he murmured.
He let his touch wander down the side my neck, brush lightly over my collarbone. A brief hesitation before his hand stoked the swell of my breast. I gasped. He chuckled and clamped his big hands over my upper arms to pull me closer. His eyes – two pools of iridescent light – flicked over my features as if he could not chose which to settle upon. My heart thumped in my chest as his head lowered and his tongue shot out to lick my bottom lip. He made a humming noise at the back of his throat, like the one I made, but his was almost questioning. Before I could dwell on how odd it was he pressed his lips to mine. Most might have been gentle or had tried to go in softly so not to scare me, but Breandan was a force of all his own, and he had decided he wanted to kiss me. His mouth latched onto mine tongue entwined around my own with enough skill and finesse to have me groaning into his mouth. Instinct. The more it guided me the more I gave it free reign – especially if the pay off was going to feel so damn good each time.
I tried to move closer but his hands clamped down on my arms kept me still. He pulled away to kiss the side of my neck. His attention had diverted from passion to something else.
He said, “You seem tense.”
I held still and waited and when no further explanation was forth coming I replied, “It doesn’t matter, please, don’t stop.”
“Tell the truth. Of whom did you dream?” His eyes sparked, daring me to lie.
Flushing, I shifted and my head drooped, but he did not release his hold. Instead of feeling protected, I felt smothered, but I explained my dream in a reluctant mutter as truthfully as I could. As I spoke, he became increasingly tense. His grip on my arms hurt, but I did not want him to let go of me, so I kept that to myself. When I told him of the last thought – that Tomas wanted me and intended to claim me – his entire body quaked and his grip became so painful I could not hide it. When he realized he relaxed, rubbed my arms, and there was an apology in the touch.
“That thing will never have you,” he grated. “His time grows short.”
The thought of these two boys clashing had my heart shrinking to the size of a raisin – all shriveled up and black. I still disliked the idea of Tomas being closed off to me forever. It seemed wrong, final.
“I would rather you didn’t say things like that,” I said quietly. “Can’t you see that as much as our bonding was unplanned so is this connection Tomas and I share?”
Gaze locked on the middle distance Breandan was hung up on something else. “I only have myself to blame,” he murmured. He was frowning again, and I sighed as I used the pad of my forefinger to smooth the furrows. A tingle from the contact ran down my body and my eyes closed briefly as I savored the feeling. “I was so anxious to get away from you I didn’t pay attention.” He looked at me, apologetic. “Had I simply waited a moment more and focused on you rather than how inconvenient my feelings were I would have known he was there. Had I taken you back to Temple he never would have had his chance to….” His eyes drifted closed and he whispered, “Sometimes I wish he had been overcome and bitten you from the first moment he saw you. Had he spilt your blood I would have known it and returned. Instead of seeking him out you would now be afraid. But our bond was still so new, and my head was in turmoil–”
I cut in, waved my hand to bat away his words. “You were guarding the amulet of protection. I understand. No harm done.”
The despair in his eyes was heartbreaking. How could he blame himself for something that was not even an issue? I understood there was bad blood between the vampires and the fairies, but Tomas had helped us – helped him. I leaned forward. “I know you think you failed me.” I placed my palm to his cheek and made sure I held his gaze. “You didn’t. You never have and I fear you never will. That’s what makes your feelings for me so unbelievable, y’know. I don’t deserve you and I’m worried no matter how hard I try that I never will.”
“Every day I like what and who I am less and less,” he whispered more quietly than before, “because I know you wish for a different life. And I cannot give it to you.”
“You can’t change our destiny. I know that.”
His hand covered mine and he leaned into my palm. His silvery lashes gleamed against his creamy skin. “But you also know that I cannot run from it. It is not in my nature though I know it is in yours.”
I swallowed. No, I could not run from it, my destiny was a sphere of knowing I could never outrun. I was the Priestess and had to bring my kind back from the abyss lest the rest of demonkind spiral out of control. Always did I panic and tell anyone who would listen that I could not, would not do it. Never did I sit up and take the control offered to me from all those who would pledge to follow me. My fear was a blanket I hid behind to mask the truth. I had no motivation to help anyone unless it directly meant it would make Breandan happy. How sick was that? The only reason I did anything was to impress him ... to make him proud of me.
How could I be this legendary being if I thought solely about my own happiness, and that of my mate?
Breandan was strong. He faced all challenges with grim determination and did not stop until he was victorious. He went into every confrontation on his own terms, certain that he would succeed. I was dragged into situations kicking and screaming like a child. Lochlann himself had said I bawled like one. I flushed at the memory. Why had I not been ready to fight and avenge my friend? It should not have been Conall exacting payment for Lex’s life it should have been me. So now, to make myself feel better I was attaching myself to Conall’s heels as he chased Devlin across the region, using the Tribe’s need for the grimoire as an excuse to out run my real responsibilities. How shameful and self absorbed. Worse, I still could not find it in my heart to feel bad about feeling and thinking in such a way.
“Is that is why you saved him?”
“Say-say?” I asked trying to pick up the conversational thread I’d dropped.
Breandan watched me with a curios expression. “You saved the vampire because you think his destiny is entwined with yours?” He no longer sounded angry or disgusted, merely confused, suspicious even.
I titled my head slightly, my hair falling over my shoulder and into my eyes. “I saved him because I care about him.” I thought hard on how I felt, what I felt. “He feels different to you.” I faint shudder rippled through me. “I won’t lie, he does scare me. He is … dangerous, I think. But there is something that I can’t help but like about him. Even if my nature shivers at what he is, who he is appeals to me in a way you can’t.” I looked guiltily down at my lap. The honesty was good, but it was embarrassing.
“The darkness,”
Breandan said matter of fact. “Compulsion.”
I pushed at my hair and blew out a short breath through my nose. “It doesn’t work on us.” I was firm in this conviction. “He can’t manipulate me that way.”
“The blood tie makes you vulnerable to him in a way none of our kind has been to one of his. I cannot assure you what you feel is genuine. Only the gods know how he can bend or invade your mind.” His lips twisted. “Even if I could lie to make you feel better I wouldn’t.”
“Does feeling drawn to his darkness make me bad,” I asked quietly, terrified of his answer. “I mean, Devlin is evil, but I’m not evil just for wanting to be close to the dark. I’m not evil.” There was that heavy silence again. “Am I?”
Breandan said nothing.
I jerked up out of his hold, and marched away from him. Pacing a small circle, I yanked at my hair a few times. What? Had I expected him to cuddle me, and tell me I was perfect, and as innocent as newborn babe? Of course, he would not say anything. He could not lie. And why should he comfort or give confidence for me to explore the blood tie. What self-respecting male would?
I stopped my pacing and stood over him. He shifted up and crossed his legs, resting his arms loosely on his knees.
Instead of conceding that he was within his right to fight for me I said, “I wish you could lie.”
“No,” he replied. “You wish you could lie to yourself.”
“Can’t you say something to make me feel better?” I brushed my hands over my arms, as if wiping dirt. “Cleaner?”
“It is my purpose to keep order. I won’t encourage a delusion, even if it pains me not to do so.”
“I’m not a bad person,” I said crossly. “I deserve to have you make me feel better when I’m feeling insecure. I’ve lost my best friend. Can’t you bend a little?”
He sighed. “What could I possibly say that would make you feel better after what happened to your friend?”
I looked down at my hands, fisted on my knees. “You should know what to say. Then again, that is not the real problem, is it? The truth is you don’t know me well enough to know what to say to make me feel better.” I frowned. “And I know nothing about you. Not really.”
How could you feel such emotion toward a person you knew nothing of? I had met him two days ago, and I could not look forward and not see him. If I looked back there was nothing before him. In my mind’s eye the world was surrounded by darkness and he was shimmering silver light guiding me home, keeping me safe until I could see again.
“What do you want to know?”
There was no impatience or mockery in his tone, simply the need to please and reassure me. It made the idea of asking him about himself seem okay.
“I don’t know. Stuff,” I said and waved my hands.
He cocked his head. “No. I don’t know. You have to tell me.”
I resisted the urge to shrug. I was drawing a blank. “You could offer some information. Like....” Finally, Breandan and I were alone, and had time to talk yet I could not think of one single question to ask him. I looked at his face and thought of his lips. I looked in his eyes and marveled at how they matched the silvery gray of the moon. So I looked down at his stomach, let my gaze drift lower over the pale, smooth skin and delineated muscle until it hovered around the tie of his trousers.
“Rae-love?”
I jumped and pressed my eyes shut. He called me love. I giggled and flushed in pleasure. Peeking at him, I took in his amused expression. “Have you ever been with a girl before?” Once I heard the words and realized how they may be interpreted, I blushed yet again, worried the blood rushing to my head was the reason I felt light headed. “I mean, have you ever had a steady?”
His lips twitched, eyes twinkled. “I do not understand.”
Like hell he did not. “A girl who you found special. Who you wanted to … you know?”
He made a small noise. “Ah, a lover?” The words were spoken full of wonder and magic. They coiled around me and stroked me silly. “No, I never found a female.” Ah, a lover? The way he spoke was self assured and confident. Always so sure of himself and what he was doing, what he had done.
My eyes darted to and from his. “Did you look?”
A dull bronze bloomed across his cheekbones. I watched the colour heighten, captivated by him.
“For a while, but I was not suited to anyone.” He met my eyes. “The reason why I never did is clear.”
My fingers danced across his shoulder. I was dying to know all the gory details about any past relationships, but reluctant to push too far in case he asked about mine. Rather, the lack of mine.
“You didn’t like them?” I asked.
“They did not like me. They found me ugly.”
My mouth hit the floor. “Ugly?” I smacked my palm on his forehead, scowling. “I know the rules, but you have to be telling a lie.”
At first he was stumped, face blank with shock. The slowly a look of pure mischief stole across his expression. “You like the way I look?”
No way was I answering that bloody question. Turning away from him slightly, I played with the skin on my leg where the slash in my jeans used to be and was happy for the change of direction it allowed my thoughts to grab onto. The dress I wore was pretty, but I missed my own clothes. Where would I get clothes from now? There was a factory behind the Wall that produced clothes, of course, but I could hardly walk up to the handout booth, smile toothily, and collect clothes anymore. Not that I smiled much before I met Breandan.
Said boy had become stiff beneath me, and it was uncomfortable to sit on someone who was as relaxed as a plank of wood.
His eyes were fixated on my hand. I realized then that my dress had ridden up to pool at the top of my thighs, and my legs were completely bare. His hand had rested on my thigh innocently, but now it flexed and tightened its hold on me. I said nothing. His warm palm moved slowly up my leg, gently kneading. I moaned, surprising myself with the urgency of my own voice and buried my head in the crook of his neck, breathed in the scent of him. I was sure it had imprinted itself on my brain. Sunlight, rain and green things mixed with a spicy masculine smell that was all his own. Touching was so much more revealing than talking. Emotion flickered in my gut as I reached to trawl my fingers over his scalp, loving the feel of the thick dark hair that grew. It seemed his hair grew as fast as mine, and I could not wait to see it longer. Would it be jet black like his eyebrows or be shot through with streaks so dark they absorbed the light entirely and glowed silver?
Yes. Yes, I wanted this. I was unsure of everything else, but this. I wanted to lie in his arms and to love him. I wanted him to hold onto me and to love me.
My fingertips traced the lines of his nose and mouth. I kissed him. His eyes were open and bored into mine as he kissed me back. Then my mouth parted and his tongue slipped out to slide across the seam of my lips. I tingled all over and my eyes drifted closed. His tongue was slow, explorative and tasted sweet. Running his hands down the length of my body, he sighed, and I gripped his shoulders. I waited for the next kiss … but nothing happened. Opening my eyes – drunk on lust – reality filtered through my happy haze. Breandan was looking at me strangely, his mouth pulled into a thin line. Sliding me away from him, he jumped up gracefully, turning away so I got a tantalizing view of his bare shoulders and broad back.
The marks on this side of his body were bolder, more ominous in design. If I had to sum them up in a word, I would have chosen ‘nefarious’. I shivered slightly, and not from the sensations he ignited under my skin with his touch. Why did Breandan – the one person in the entire world I was sure had no darkness – have tattoos like that?
Confused as to why we were no longer touching I surged up, stood on my tail, and then sunk to my knees rubbing it. Tears pricking the corner of my eyes for it hurt, and a faint echo of the pain shot up my spine.
Breandan spared me a glance and shook his head. He paced the floor in front of me. Eventually after pondering gods knows what he sett
led for stalking back over and yanking my head back. The pressure of his mouth crushing mine almost hurt.
“Let’s go see if we can help Conall pick up the trail,” he said and left me there, already a silvery blur in the distance.
Watching his retreating back irrational rage replaced desire.
Was I supposed to understand what had just happened?
I jumped up and stumbled behind him. He sprinted across the Pride green, the waist length grass crushed beneath his boots. I chased him, as fast as he, and my rage was powerful. I sped up until he was at arm’s length. Before I had the thought, I was pushing off the ground and soaring, latching myself onto his back. I dug my fingers into his bare shoulders, dragging my nails across his skin until I drew blood. He snagged one of my legs and hauled me off him, throwing me to the mossy ground. He pinned me, leaning his weight. He loomed over me; skin pulsing and eyes sparking like an avenging angel. I would have felt the need to prostrate myself on the ground before him if I did not feel so pissed off. Too angry to be shocked at my feral actions I bared my teeth.
Face a mask of rage he leaned down further. “Behave!”
“If you’re disgusted with the way I behave why don’t you just say it?” I tried to push him off. “I’m not proud of how I react when I’m with you but I can’t help it.”
He let go of my wrists and paced away, his hands clasped behind his head. I sat up – my knees bent – and wiped the leaves and dirt from my hair and clothes in forceful sweeps. It ground into my dress, and the rubbing made it worse. I was a bloody mess.
Breandan spun, fists clenched. “Why can’t you see how I feel?” His voice drifted over to me soft-as-ash and filled with longing. “I have left my home and turned my back on my family. Everything I have done I’ve done for you.” Stunned I stared at him. My eyes were wide and my mouth open. He half smiled at the look on my face. “The moment I revealed myself to you I made peace with what I was to do, of what I would be giving up. I belong to you. I choose you, I always will, but you have to understand that everything is not what it seems. And when I pull away from you it’s because I want nothing more than to be close to you. You know how your family and mine feel about us. Why do you continue to doubt me?”
Demon Day Page 6