by Bree Porter
I sighed over the sounds of the toddler’s pleas. “Okay, you can go.”
“Thank you!” Niko went to flee but I caught his wrists.
“You behave for Artyom,” I warned, meeting his eyes. There was too much excitement in his expression–he wasn’t listening to a word I said. “Do you hear me, Nikolai? I don’t want to hear about you getting into or causing any trouble. If I do…” I sent him a warning look.
Niko nodded. “Okay, Mama.”
“Artyom’s okay with both of them?” I asked Roksana as the two fled across the grass, giggling manically.
Artyom was walking to one of the vehicles but caught them both, warning them to be careful around the gravel. Both whined but listened, slowing to a bouncy walk. At least, I trusted Artyom to watch Niko; I would never let Roman watch him. The two of them would set the estate ablaze.
“More than okay.” Roksana said and then added offhandedly, “It’s good practice.”
I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “Are you planning your second?”
Roksana’s smile was private. “We are.” Her grey eyes fluttered to me, her gaze as soft as a butterfly’s touch. “We want Evva to have some siblings. I want four but Artyom wants two.” She titled her head to the side, amusement glinting. “I guess we’ll see who prevails.”
I wonder how many kids Konstantin wants?
The thought came to me like a slap in the face, rendering me incapacitated for a few seconds.
“I think Evva needs a sister,” Roksana was saying. “There’s so many boys.” She fell silent for a few seconds. “Well, there was meant to be another girl.”
Her words fell over me, cloaking me in sadness. There was meant to be another girl…a little bit older than Nikolai.
My heart clenched painfully.
When I looked at Roksana, I knew she was feeling the same thing. Two mothers mourning a child we had never held but whom we still felt in the air around us. Before Nikolai, I had felt horrible about her death, but now as someone with a child? Now as a parent? My grief could not be accurately described, could not be conveyed. There were no words.
“Yes,” I agreed. “Sisters are nice.”
Neither of us had sisters but we both agreed, happy to change the topic.
“What are you up to today?” Roksana asked.
I glanced briefly at the exterior of the house. “Just going to relax.”
“You mean avoid Konstantin.” She didn’t sound smug or cruel–in fact, Roksana sounded like she understood. “He returns soon.”
“How soon?”
She smiled lightly. “Soon enough.” Wind caught her hair, sweeping the white-blond strands into the air. “Do you want to join me at the banya? I’m going there for some peace and quiet, so you have to promise to be quiet.” Her eyes twinkled.
I laughed but didn’t agree straightaway. “What if there is a problem with Nikolai? He doesn’t know Artyom very well.”
“We won’t be faraway, and Nikolai will be fine. He is not an anxious child.”
My boy wasn’t anxious at all. He had probably forgotten all about me already, delighted with the horses and new things to climb. It was more likely that there was a problem with Artyom and him taking on more than he could swallow. After all, Evva had a much better temperament than Nikolai...and a lot more common sense. Niko might eat Artyom alive.
I smiled at Roksana. “You know what? I would love to join you. I’ve been looking for some peace and quiet myself lately.”
Steam so thick you could barely see your hand stretched out in front of you rose from the floor. Women milled around, the lull of chatter the soothing backdrop to a long soak in the baths. Roksana and I found a near empty one at the back, both stripping our bathrobes and sinking deep into the water.
My muscles relaxed as soon as they hit the water, the stress of the past weeks disappearing into the aqua.
“God, that feels good.” I mumbled as I rested my head against the tiles.
The memory of the last time I had been here flashed through my mind.
I’m ready to test my hypothesis, I had said, and then Konstantin had brought me indescribable pleasure. I could still feel his mouth between my legs, his hands pinning down my thighs, my fingers twisting in his hair. My blood heated as I recalled the whispers, the pain, the desire–
“This is the best place to relax,” Roksana replied to my previous statement. She had no idea where my mind had gone. “Evva’s too little and Danika would much rather be downstairs.” Where she would interrogate Konstantin’s enemies.
“It’s nice.” No longer did I feel relaxed. Instead, my entire body had tightened in lust.
Konstantin’s alluring voice filled my mind. Patience, lyubimaya, good things take time.
“Are you okay, Elena?” Roksana asked. “You look…unwell.”
My Elena, are you okay?
I closed my eyes to hide the swirling emotions inside of me. “I’m…fine.”
She laughed, not cruelly, just like she knew I was lying. “Do you want to scream?”
The question was asked with such casualness that I opened my eyes and turned to her. Roksana floated a few feet away from me, cheeks flushed from the warmth. The humidity curled her hair, making her look younger than she was.
“Scream here?” I glanced at the other patrons. “Someone might ring the cops. Or worse, Konstantin.”
Roksana giggled. “Not if you go underwater.” She dipped lower so her chin rested on the top of the water. “It’s therapeutic. Trust me.”
I eyed her. “Do you scream a lot?”
“I’m screaming all the time, Elena.” The grey of her eyes darkened like storm clouds. “Just not aloud.”
I stared at a few more seconds before stepping away from the side. She watched as I bent my knees and lowered myself into the water.
Hot water covered me as I sunk, water and muted sounds surrounding me. I could make out Roksana’s white legs in the blue darkness but nothing more.
Scream, her voice beckoned.
Scream.
I opened my mouth and screamed. I screamed for my broken heart and for Konstantin and for Nikolai. I screamed for Tatiana and her evilness and her sadness. I screamed for Dmitri’s daughter. I screamed for my past sacrifices and future sacrifices. I screamed for the day Nikolai and I would have to leave again. For my family, for my degree, for my mind.
I screamed for who I had been as a child, how my mother had failed not only herself but me. I screamed for my crime of patricide and screamed for second attempt at murder. I kept going and going until everything I was, everything I am, and everything I would be was floating in the water around me, slowly being drained.
When I broke the surface, my stress did not come back up with me. My anger and grief did not rise with me. My skin was clear, ready to be written upon once more.
I had made a decision. I could feel it dropping inside of me, nestling between my ribcage and heart.
Roksana soothingly rubbed by back as I choked on water and sobs.
“It’s okay,” she murmured. “Get it all out, get it all out.”
~~~
Fields stretched out before me as Roksana and I arrived at the stables. The luxurious land was well-kept and cared for, despite December trying to swallow all life beneath its frost. All the horses were in their pens, enjoying the warmth the building provided. A few of Konstantin’s men watched me but none approached.
We found the children inside with Artyom. Nikolai had his hand held out, apple in palm, and was presenting it to Odessa like a little prince. Evva was beside him but was not so forthcoming with her treat, clutching the apple to her chest protectively.
“Hi, baby. Have you been good for Artyom?”
Nikolai turned to me, eyes bright. “Mama! Look! Look!” Odessa tried to get the apple from him, but he stepped back to show it to me. He squeaked when he saw how close she had gotten, more delighted than afraid. “Silly ‘D
essa!”
“I think she wants your apple.” I crouched down beside him. “Hold out your palm. Or else she might get you with her teeth.”
Niko held out his hand and Odessa scooped the apple from his palm. His laughter filled the room. “She likes the apple!”
“She does.” I smoothed down his hair. “Were you good for Artyom?”
Artyom had picked Evva up and was encouraging her to feed Odessa. The little girl did not look convinced, even with her mother’s support. “He was great.” Artyom answered my question. “Him and Evva have been feeding the horses.”
“Dessa has baby horse,” Nikolai told me.
“Odessa has a baby?” I peered over the side of the stable but didn’t see anything.
“In her belly,” Nikolai added.
I laughed. “Odessa’s pregnant? How exciting.” I tickled his belly. Nikolai pushed my hand away, giggling. “You used to be in my belly.”
“Like Dessa’s baby horse?”
“Just like Odessa’s foal,” I agreed, giving him another belly scratch.
Above us, Evva was refusing to feed Odessa. Tears welled in her eyes but didn’t fall. Artyom tossed the apple to Odessa, all his attention on his daughter.
“It’s okay, my darling.” Artyom kissed her head. “Odessa’s just hungry. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Roksana rubbed her back. “Did you have a fright, sweetheart?”
Evva reached out for her mother, and Artyom passed the toddler to his wife. “You want to go to mama?” Once she was in her mother’s arms, Artyom tickled her feet, sending Evva into a string of giggles.
“No, Daddy!” She laughed.
“Is daddy tickling you?” Roksana asked, joining in her daughter’s joy.
Evva wiggled in her mother’s arms, trying to dodge her father as he went to tickle her feet again.
I watched the three of them with a tight chest. Roksana and Artyom shared amused looks over the top of their daughter’s head, sharing in the happiness of their creation. A little trio banded together by love and blood.
Envy.
The word felt like a brick to the back of the head.
I looked to Nikolai. He was holding a second apple out to Odessa, too interested in the horses to notice his mother’s straying attention.
“Are you okay to do that yourself?” As soon as the question was out of my mouth, Odessa grabbed the apple from Niko, sending him into a string of giggles. I don’t even know why I had asked; my boy wasn’t afraid of anything.
I smoothed down his blond locks.
“We’re going to take Evva back to the house.” Artyom told me. “She’s due for a nap.”
I was slightly jealous. Niko had never been a napper.
Niko’s face fell. “I don’t wanna go.”
“We can stay here for a bit longer, my wild boy.” His grinned widened. I tapped his nose. “What do you say to Artyom for looking after you?”
“Thank you.” He exaggerated the word, earning a warning look from me.
Artyom and Roksana left with their daughter, who had already fallen asleep on her mother’s shoulder.
Nikolai didn’t mind that his new friend had gone, not when he had me to show everything too. He gave me the same tour and warnings I assumed Artyom had given him, letting me know where the tack room was, where the treats were and that we had to stay away from Hilarion, the stallion. He pronounced Hilarion like Lion.
I grew more surprised at my son’s growing interest when he didn’t grow bored. Nikolai was patient and calm around the horses, instead of his usual wild self. Every second, I expected him to toss the apple, claiming he was sick of this and go onto the next bright shiny thing. But he didn’t.
“You don’t want to go soon?” I asked after another hour.
Niko looked offended I had asked. “No, no!”
“Okay, a bit longer then.”
The grumble of a car grew louder outside the stables. I heard men speaking in Russian, their voices blending together. I kept an ear out as Nikolai continued to feed the horses. Whenever he got close to Hilarion, I barked out a warning and he cheekily scrambled back over to the calmer horses.
I knew he was here before I heard his voice. The sudden silence of the guards followed by the crunch of the gravel alerted me.
“Elena, Nikolai.” Konstantin stepped into the view, his figure casting a dark shadow. As he tugged off his gloves, he asked, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Hello!” Niko waved. “I’m feeding Dessa!”
Konstantin’s brow rose in one smooth movement. “Isn’t she lucky?” His eyes flicked to me, raking up and down my form. But Konstantin didn’t address me, turning back to Niko. “You’re not scared of her teeth?”
“No. I’m not scared.” Niko presented the apple he was holding to Odessa, who greedily snatched it up. My son didn’t even flinch.
A shimmer of pride rippled over Konstantin’s face. “My mistake. Have you fed Basil, too?”
Before Niko could nod, I sniped, “What are you doing here?”
“Hello to you too, Elena.” Konstantin assessed me. “I am here to check on my pregnant mare. Is that okay by you?”
Niko glanced between the two of us, green eyes too interested.
“Go and grab some more apples, baby. We’re running out.”
“Okaaay,” he sung and skipped off to the tack room. I watched him as he grabbed a few more apples, holding them awkwardly to his chest. Niko wanted to carry as much as he could, but his little hands and arms were struggling.
To Konstantin I said, “Did Artyom tell you we were here?”
“No. Does he need too?” He inquired. “This is my estate, my territory. I don’t need to announce myself before I walk into a room.”
I opened my mouth to respond but Konstantin asked, “He likes the horses?”
“He does.”
Nikolai came skipping back, dropping a few apples on the way. He looked up to me for help. “Mama!”
“I have them. Don’t fret.” I scooped up the rogue apples and helped Niko carry them over to Basil and Odessa.
Hilarion let out a huff from his pen, kicking the gate in protest.
“Have you fed Hilarion?”
“Artyom said no.” Niko replied.
Konstantin smiled and gestured to the stallion. “I will help you feed him. But you have to listen to every word I say, okay?” His eyes met mine. Is that okay?
The question struck me quiet for a few seconds, but I gave a single nod.
The three of us went over to Hilarion, the stallion whinnying as we neared. He was louder and more ferocious than the gelding and mare.
Nikolai lost his nerve, tucking himself to my leg, clutching the apple. I smoothed down his hair. “It’s okay, baby. Konstantin will go first.”
“May I?” He held his hand out for the apple. Niko passed it to him. “Hilarion has lots of energy so sometimes he acts a bit scary. You’re right to be wary of him.” Konstantin kept his hand still as Hilarion snatched the apple from it, his mood skyrocketing rapidly. “But there is need to be afraid. Stay calm and still, and Hilarion will be thankful for his treat.”
Niko peeled himself from my leg. I passed him another apple.
With a determined look in his eyes, Niko stretched his arm out, perfectly still. Konstantin had wrapped a light hand around Hilarion’s neck, looking like a pat to the untrained eye but I knew he was readying to pull Hilarion away the second Niko looked frightened.
I had positioned myself in a similar way, close to my son. If that stallion tried anything, I would be there.
We shouldn’t have worried. Hilarion took the apple from Niko, who grinned and asked me for another. Not a single flinch, not a tear or cry. My boy wasn’t afraid of anything.
Konstantin patted Hilarion’s neck. “Good boy, good boy.” He smiled at Niko. “You did a good job. Not even my bravest soldiers will feed Hilarion.”
&n
bsp; Niko brightened. “I’m very brave.” I swallowed down my laugh at his confidence and instead watched as he held the second apple out to Hilarion.
“Yes, you are.” Konstantin agreed.
“Here go, loshad. Number two.”
We both heard it at the same time. Konstantin’s eyes went straight to Nikolai with blazing focus, which he tried to hide beneath his smooth expression. “Loshad?” He tried to sound casual. Konstantin tapped the apple. “What’s this?”
“Yabloko.” Niko supplied.
Konstantin looked at me, his lips twisting into a smile. But it was to Nikolai, he asked, “And what type of loshad is Hilarion?”
Nikolai didn’t see my warning gaze. “Zherebets.” He seemed happy to answer Konstantin’s questions, but not nearly as happy as his father when he heard the answers.
“Russian.” He remarked, gaze growing more and more intense. “I wonder who taught him that.”
“He must’ve picked it up from Artyom.” I willed my voice to be casual.
“Artyom, I see.” Konstantin’s eyes didn’t leave me. “Nikolai, how do you say science in Russian?”
I stepped forward, pulling Niko behind me. “How would he know–?”
“Nauka!” Either my son was blessed with obliviousness or he was trying to make my life just that much harder. Knowing his cheeky side, I was more inclined to believe the latter. “Nauka is science!”
“Artyom covered a lot of words in the short time they’ve known each other.” Konstantin knew I was lying. The laughter in his voice told me enough.
I turned my back to him, crouching down to Nikolai’s level. “It’s nearly dinner time, my wild boy. Aren’t you getting hungry?”
Niko frowned. “I don’t wanna go.”
“We can come back tomorrow.” I assured him.
“Tonight?”
“No, tomorrow. The horses will be asleep if we come after dinner. You don’t want to wake them up, do you?”
He shook his head. “Nooo.”
“No, that’s right. We can come back tomorrow. And maybe, we can bring some carrots from the kitchen. I’m sure Dessa and Baz would love that.”
“And Lion?”
“And Hilarion, mmhmm.”