Heart Untouched

by Andrew Grey

A sharp knock pulled him out of his pity party, and he opened the door.

  “Man, you look snazzy,” Clive Richards, one of his roommates, said as he headed for Todd’s closet. “I need a shirt for tonight.”

  “Then do some laundry,” Todd retorted and closed his closet door. “I’m not your maid service.” He kept the heat out of his voice, but he was getting a little tired of Clive and Solly using his clothes when they hadn’t bothered to wash theirs. “The laundry room is in the basement. Get yourself some quarters and throw in a few loads. Most of the time I can’t find the clothes I want because you guys are wearing them.” He held Clive’s gaze, going for a little guilt, which only worked part of the time. “Besides, I’ve been by your room. You need to get it cleaned out. It’s pretty stinky.” Todd flashed a smile to try to disarm the situation. Then he took one more look at what he’d put on.

  “Why are you nervous? You got a thing for this guy?” There were times when Clive could be amazingly perceptive, and Todd hoped this wasn’t one of those times. “You can blush faster than a fifteen-year-old with a hot date. What’s this guy like?”

  “How about we leave the fifth degree until I get home. I’m just having lunch with an old friend. There’s nothing more to it than that.”

  Which was the truth. Todd doubted there could ever be anything more than that between him and Duncan, no matter how many times he’d wondered what Duncan would be like to come home to and spend more than just the hours training together on frozen runs with. They were both competitive as hell and had pushed each other to be better, over and over again. They fought sometimes, and each of them had won and lost. There were times that Todd had hated Duncan, but now he could see that was just their competitive natures getting the best of them. Besides, everything had changed when Duncan got hurt. Those past rivalries paled in comparison to his friend’s health and well-being. The accident had shaken Todd to the core and pushed him to some hard truths, like maybe… sometimes… it wasn’t who got down the hill the fastest.

  Clive rolled his eyes dramatically and sighed. “So, you like this guy. It’s about fucking time.” He grinned. “Go out, have a good time, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He paused. “On second thought, I hope to hell you do something I would do, preferably multiple times until your eyes roll back in your head and he puts a huge grin on your face.” Clive swooped out of the room.

  “Slut,” Todd teased in his best southern accent, which he knew came off flat, but it pissed Clive off when he did it.

  “You really want to do this?” Clive paused for barely a fraction of a second before firing back with “Prude.”

  “Floozy.”

  “Ice queen.”

  “Helium heels,” Todd retorted, and Clive raised an eyebrow ever so slightly. “Shirttail lifter,” he added for good measure.

  “Great American sex desert.”

  Todd chuckled. That was a new one, and really quite good. “Member of the Kneepads of the Month club.”

  Clive opened his mouth but nothing came out.

  Todd grinned and pointed. “Gotcha,” he crowed before Clive had a chance to recover. He claimed victory by shooing Clive out and closing the door. Their game had started out with one-upmanship around who could bag the guy they wanted first, but after things had fallen apart for Todd, they had shifted mostly to Todd defending the fact that his life in the bedroom had become his right hand and nothing more.

  He finished getting ready and headed out to where the other three people in the house sat watching ESPN. They were all athletes in various sports, mostly the unglamorous ones, though Henry was a speed skater, and in Milwaukee that held some interest, given that the Olympic speed skating training center was in town and the two American stars of the sport, Dan Jansen and Bonnie Blair, were both from the area. Other than that, most people only heard of the sports each of them loved every four years when the Winter Olympics rolled around.

  “I’ll see you later, guys.” Todd headed for the door as all eyes turned to him. They waved and thankfully didn’t tease. Todd was more grateful than he could say.

  He half jogged to his car, slipped inside, and started the engine. The old beater was in tip-top condition under the hood, and Todd intended to keep her that way. He navigated the streets to Duncan’s and pulled into the drive, got out, and approached the front door to ring the bell.

  The door stayed closed and Todd heard nothing from inside. Had Duncan forgotten they were going to get together? A wave of disappointment washed over him before the door finally opened and Duncan rolled back. Todd opened the screen door and stepped inside.

  “Sorry, I was….” Duncan glanced down the hall, and Todd nodded his understanding.

  “Where’s your mom?” Todd asked, looking around.

  “She went to visit relatives.” Duncan grabbed a sweatshirt jacket and piled it on top of his legs. “She wanted me to go with her.”

  “We could have rescheduled if that’s what you needed,” Todd said, even as a smile curled his lips upward.

  “Oh God no.” Duncan tilted his head to the side. “She’s one of those pity people.” He lowered his jaw and made a soft “oh” sound. “‘Poor Duncan… I’m so sorry.’ Bitch.” The cattiness snapped out, and Todd laughed. There was some of the Duncan he knew. “I hate the woman, and Mom makes me go with her whenever she does her beck-and-call thing.” Duncan rolled forward. “I’m ready when you are.”

  Todd let him slide out of the house and then pulled the door closed. “Awesome. Where do you want to go?”

  “I’m so hungry for something not vegetarian,” Duncan said. “My mother read somewhere that a vegetarian diet can help spinal injury patients recover, so she got rid of every shred of meat in the house and read up on vegetarian cooking.” Duncan rolled down the ramp, and Todd followed. “The food is good for the most part, but I’m craving some meat, and she’s adamant that we stick to this diet.” He stopped at the bottom.

  “I’ve tried that before.”

  Duncan nodded. “I know Mom means well, but it’s another of those things where someone else is making my decisions for me.” He grabbed the arms of the chair, his knuckles turning white.

  “Sorry, man.” Todd ran a hand through his hair, not knowing what else to say. “How about gyros? We can head on down to Oakland and get some there. Afterward we can go to Lake Park or something.” There wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

  “Cool.” The tension seemed to have evaporated from Duncan’s voice.

  Todd followed him over to the car and waited while Duncan transferred himself into the passenger seat. Then he slid the chair behind the seat and closed the door. Soon they were off, heading toward downtown and some of the best quick food in the city.

  “HOW IS your mom?” Duncan asked once they were settled at a table with plates of gyro meat, salad, and a squeeze bottle of tzatziki sauce garlicky enough to make your breath smell for days and your throat danged near seize up—in other words, amazing.

  Todd shrugged. “She’s worse and yet the same. The last time I visited her, she didn’t remember who I am. Then as I was leaving, she said goodbye to me and called me by name. So I suppose that’s about all I can hope for.”

  “I’m sorry. I remember her as a real special lady.” Duncan smiled, seeming like he was trying not to look too happy. “She used to bake us those amazing carrot cakes. Of course, we weren’t supposed to have them while we were training, but they were always too good to resist.” Duncan took a little of the gyro meat and squeezed on a dab of sauce before popping the bite in his mouth. For a second, all Todd could think about was Duncan’s lips, but then his mind slipped back to the conversation at hand.

  Todd nodded slowly. “Yeah. She always loved to bake. That was how we realized something was wrong. She made everything from memory and feel. Then all of a sudden, the cakes didn’t come out right, and she started burning things because she wouldn’t remember they were in the oven or why she had set the timer. And now she’s alive and yet, at the sa
me time, not.” He missed his mother so much.

  “I can understand how you feel. Sometimes we all want something that we’ve lost and can’t get back no matter how much we may want it.”

  Todd nodded in understanding. His friend, onetime best friend, was never going to get completely better and return to the way he had been before. Todd always remembered a certain fire and zest for life that seemed to fill Duncan’s eyes, and that was gone now. “What are you doing with your time?”

  “Well, I spent so much of it in therapy, I thought they were going to kill me.”

  Duncan took another bite, and Todd did the same, watching him closely. In so many ways, Duncan was the same person but changed. The energy level was way down. Not that Todd could really blame him. Duncan had been through hell and had somehow managed to come back from the grip of death.

  “I suppose we should talk about the elephant in the room.” Duncan tapped the arm of his chair.

  “I was there. I know what happened, and you don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. This is supposed to be a fun afternoon, not twenty questions.” Though he would definitely listen if Duncan wanted him to.

  Duncan nodded. “I guess it would be good to talk. I can’t with my mom. She’s been so supportive and caring throughout this entire ordeal, and the thought of putting more on her worries me. She’s been amazingly helpful, even though I know she never intended to have me home and needing her care. This should be a time when she can concentrate a little more on herself instead of me.”

  “You can tell me whatever you want to.”

  Duncan nodded and stabbed a bite of salad with more force than necessary. “You saw the run and you know what went wrong.”

  “Yeah. I saw it and damn near felt every single bump along with you until you came to the end. I tried to get to you, but one of the coaches held me back.” That had been one of the worst days of his life. Todd had thought his heart would rip in two. “After that, the coaches kept us informed, but we all had training. I tried to come up and see you more than once, but it was only family. Your mom did her best to let us know, but she was having a hard time too.” Todd set down his fork and leaned forward. “I snuck into your room. Did you know that? I told them I was your cousin.”

  Duncan shook his head.

  “I did. They had you hooked up to all these machines, and you had your eyes closed and were lying so still. I remember talking to you, telling you about my latest runs and watching the screen sometimes, hoping for a blip, any change, so I’d know you heard me. But there was nothing, and then a nurse told me that visiting hours were over.”

  “I didn’t know. You called me later when I was awake, but I didn’t know about that.” Duncan sighed a little and blinked. “I was pretty busted up, and they had to do surgery to try to repair some of the internal damage. But the doctor made a mistake and they ruptured something that resulted in infection, and they had to go back in to fix it. That built up more scar tissue inside that caused other problems, and I had more surgery.”

  “Do you think you could have been able to walk again if they hadn’t messed up?” Todd’s throat went dry and he clenched the hand in his lap into a fist. God, to think that someone had hurt Duncan more after his injury. It made his blood boil.

  “We don’t know. The insurance company says it didn’t make any difference, but other doctors say it’s a possibility. They are still fighting, and there will probably be a court hearing over it. Mom was smart and got a lawyer right away, and we have brought suit against the surgeon and the hospital for trying to cover it all up.” Duncan’s eyes grew heavy and filled with worry. Without thinking, Todd reached across the table and took his hand, sliding his fingers along Duncan’s.

  “I’m sorry this happened to you,” Todd said. “It isn’t fair, but life sucks sometimes.” He wound his fingers more tightly with Duncan’s. Todd expected him to pull away, but Duncan held his hand still as though he were afraid to move it. “How are you adjusting to all the changes? I mean…. God, that sounded stupid. I meant, are you getting on with things? Jesus… I don’t know what I mean… I….”

  Duncan chuckled slightly. “I know what you mean, and I’m getting the hang of a very different life one day at a time.”

  That was a lie. Todd could see it in the way Duncan avoided his gaze for just a second. He debated whether to press him or not. If Todd were in his shoes, he’d be angry as fuck and on the edge, ready to scream and shout at the first opportunity. Maybe Duncan had already done that, but by the fire warring in his eyes, Todd guessed that really hadn’t happened yet.

  Todd met Duncan’s gaze, eyebrows raised, and didn’t let him turn away.

  “Are you trying to piss me off?” Duncan asked, yanking back his hand.

  Todd shrugged. “Maybe get to the truth.” Aww, hell. He had never been one to pussyfoot around stuff, and he wasn’t able to start now.

  It was Duncan’s turn to lean over the table, glaring. “There are days when I want to kill someone. My mom wants to make all my decisions for me because she seems to think my head doesn’t work, just like my legs.” He clenched his teeth. “My legs are like weights, and that’s not the only fucking thing that doesn’t work, if you know what I mean. I want to be out there riding the runs and being with the guys, living the life I dreamed of, but instead I’m back home because I need help just to take a shit. So of course I’m mad as hell, and I can’t let it out. If I do, my mom gets teary….” He sat back, breathing deeply as though he’d run a race.

  It took Todd a few seconds to parse everything that Duncan had just told him and all the schooling he could muster to keep the look of pity that threatened from showing through. Duncan would hate that, and the truth was, Todd didn’t pity him—maybe empathized was a better word.

  “Feel better?” Todd asked, figuring it had to be good to let stuff out.

  “I guess.” Duncan heaved a deep breath and released it, the wind leaving his sails.

  Todd glanced around and saw a few people were turning back to their meals. Duncan might have gotten a little loud, but if it made him feel better, Todd would let him scream the roof down. What was a little embarrassment in the grand scheme of things?

  “What I want is to be myself again,” Duncan said quietly.

  Todd filled his fork, then held the bite in midair. “You are. Things have changed, but deep down, you are still the guy who likes cars and used to snarf down my mom’s cake. God, she used to love having you over, because you ate.” Todd smiled. “Maybe you’d like to go with me to visit her. Sometimes when she has a good day, she’s pretty there, and seeing people out of the ordinary can spark a connection.”

  “Of course.” Duncan returned to his lunch. “What about your dad?”

  “He comes in to see her sometimes. Heck, I think Mom still thinks she’s married to him. Time has little meaning to her now, and there are things that tend to stick in her mind more than others. Like she rarely knows my name anymore, but she tends to feel that I’m someone important to her.” The whole situation was surreal at times.

  They fell into an easy quiet as they ate for a while, finishing their lunch.

  “Sometimes it feels like the last six months are completely missing for me. Mom told me some of the things that have been happening, but mostly I’ve been lost in my own head.”

  “Your friends know that. I was surprised when your mom called me, and really happy. She said you needed some time out of the house, so know she’s doing her best for you.”

  “I know she is. Mom always does.” Duncan pushed the plate away slightly. “I know I need to cut her some slack. This has been hard on both of us.”

  At least some of the lightness that Todd remembered seemed to be returning. Even if it was temporary, it was a start.

  “How about we get going?” Todd pushed back from the table as one of the other chairs was yanked away and twisted around.

  “Howdy, guys.”

  Todd knew that voice and didn’t even have t
o look. “What are you doing here?” Todd asked as he turned to Michael. “Haven’t you caused enough trouble?” He flashed his coldest look, but it was wasted on the clueless idiot.

  “Just saw Duncan in here and thought I’d peek in. He’s pretty easy to spot. Corrina was asking about you just the other day.” Michael flashed a gap-toothed smile.

  Duncan rolled his eyes. “I’m sure she was.”

  “Oh yeah.” Michael’s lips curled upward in a grin reminiscent of the Joker. God, that guy really needed to work on looks that wouldn’t scare schoolchildren. “It seems she misses her business partner and….”

  “Get out, Michael,” Duncan groaned. “She and I were never ‘business partners.’ I think she’s made way too much out of what I can barely remember now. She needs to move on, just like I do. And the fact that you would think this is appropriate….” He leaned forward. “Get out of here, asshole, before I start telling everyone here that you’re picking on me.” He turned away, and damn it all if Duncan didn’t start shaking a little.

  Everyone started glaring at Michael, eyes watching him from all directions. It was clear from the beads of sweat breaking out on his Neanderthal-like forehead that he was feeling the heat. Michael stood and sauntered out, with Duncan not watching him go.

  “That guy is as nuts as his sister.”

  Todd motioned for Duncan to go first, and they headed for the exit. “What’s with those two anyway?”

  “She claims that I committed to open a marketing business with her before the accident, and there are some things that are a little spotty, but I would never do that. You know that she and I were talking, but things never went beyond that, at least as far as I remember, and I’m not going to be bullied into business with her.”

  Todd’s mouth hung open, and he wondered if he had stepped into some weird time warp. “Starting a business takes more than just talking about it.”

  “I know, but reality doesn’t seem to have free rein in Corrina’s head.” Duncan didn’t seem to be too bothered about the whole thing. “She isn’t going to get anywhere.”