The nurse and the radiology tech came to get me at ten for my MRI. Let me just say here that I despise that machine. If you’ve never been inside of one just imagine it for a second. You’re lying inside of a metal tube, kind of like a huge, old metal garbage can. It’s freezing, and your ass is hanging out of the gown they give you to wear, only adding to the draft. Then someone with a penchant for torture takes a hammer and they start to bang on the tube. That goes on for hours sometimes and the whole while they’re yelling at you not to move. That’s the process in a nutshell.
Two hours and one tension headache and a lower backache later, I was back in my hospital room. Now Grandma and I sat and waited for Dr. Harris. While we waited she said, “Molly, did you think about what Dr. Harris said, about the support group?”
“Grandma, you know how I feel about all that.”
“Yes, I do. I also know that you need to talk about this. You don’t talk to me about it, and I doubt you talk much about it to Megan since everything is so secretive. These people are the same as you, baby. They’re not going to go telling tales any more than you are about them.”
“I really just don’t want to talk about any of this, Grandma.”
“I know, honey. But the truth is you need to.”
I sighed, she was wearing me down. Not that I was changing my mind about wanting to go, but I was thinking about going just to get them off my back. Then she played really dirty…my own grandmother.
“Would you go just once, Molly? For me, please?”
“Okay, Gran,” I told her, “Just once.”
Dr. Harris came by a while after our conversation about the support group.
“Molly,” he said, “The MRI showed what I was afraid of. Your nephrons are hardening, becoming necrotic. The tumors are blocking the blood supply to them.”
I wish he would have just kicked me in the stomach, it would have felt better. I was holding my breath because I was afraid if I let this one out, I wouldn’t be able to take another. I felt Gran reach for my hand and I took hers. She didn’t say anything, and neither did Dr. Harris. They just left me alone for a minute to process what he just said. In layman’s terms, he had just told me that the only kidney I had left was being choked to death by the tumors that kept multiplying. I can’t live without kidneys, can I?
“So what comes next?” I asked him finally.
“You’re still producing some urine, so functionality is not completely gone…yet. But Molly I need you to drink plenty of water; you know how much you need and you can’t forget. No sampling the coffee samples at work, no caffeine or anything diuretic at all. I also need you to keep a record of your intake of fluids and your output of urine and I’ll give you some guidelines of what you need to report to me, right away.”
I was in some form of shock, I’m sure. He was telling me that an essential part of my body was failing, but all I could think to say next was, “Sure, Doc. Thanks. Can I go home now?” I saw the look between my grandmother and doctor. The one that said, “Now we need to worry about her emotional health.” I was a pretty big wreck inside, emotionally, but I wasn’t going to do anything stupid so there was nothing to worry about.
“What about the meeting, Molly?”
I smiled pretty and said, “I’m still going. I promised you that I would.”
“Good,” Dr. Harris said, enthusiastically. I was so glad I could make him happy, since he always had nothing but good news for me.
After Dr. Harris left, Gran and I just sat quietly for a while. I felt bad, because I knew she wanted to talk about this. I just really didn’t want to. All I wanted was out of here. I wanted to see Brock, worse than I’ve ever wanted to see anyone. I wanted things to go back to normal again. After a while I said, “Why don’t you start home, Gran. The meeting is at two, so I’ll go to that and then I’ll call Meg for a ride home.”
I could tell that she didn’t want to leave, but she also knew that no matter what she said I was going to push her out the door. That was when she finally did it. She grabbed me in a big hug and as she held me tight she said, “I love you to the moon, Molly-girl. If you need anything, and you don’t call me, I’ll find out, and then I’ll kick your skinny little butt.” We were both crying then, and when she said that I laughed through my tears and said, “Skinny? Have you seen my butt, Gran?” She smacked me on it and said, “Do everything the doctor says, Okay?”
“Okay, Gran. I love you to the moon too.” After she left I washed my face and packed up the nice little patient belongings bag they had brought me. Then I signed the discharge papers, took my instructions and walked out the door of the oncology unit. I stood just beyond the double doors and I hate to admit this but I seriously considered not going to the meeting and just telling Gran that I had. One thing I am terrible at is lying though, especially to Gran….so I went.
I walked down the hall towards the group room signs. When I reached to door I stopped and took a deep breath and then I pushed on the door. There were five people in the room. Two girls about my age. Two guys who were both a little older, and an older lady, probably the group leader.
“Hi,” the lady said. “Welcome. Come on in and find a seat.” I looked around, one wouldn’t be hard to find. There were at least twenty empty ones. I picked one close to the back. I probably wasn’t going to say much anyways. I sat there, waiting for the group to begin as more people filed in. After everyone was seated, the group leader introduced herself and thanked us for coming. As she talked the door behind her suddenly opened and I thought I would pass out. In walked Brock…in the flesh. He looked around for a seat, and when he saw me, I like to say his face lit up. He came towards me and took the seat next to mine. The lady was still talking but I had to know what the heck he was doing here. I lowered my voice to barely audible and said, “Hi Brock.” He grinned at me. God he was so handsome I almost forgot what I wanted to ask him.
“Hi Molly,” he said.
“What are you doing here?”
He looked like he was pondering the answer to that, and then he said, “I’m a patient here too.” I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why, but I thought he was making fun of me. Candice, the group leader was looking at me and moving her lips but I wasn’t processing what she was saying. I was still trying to process what Brock had said.
“I’m sorry?” I said, acutely aware that all eyes in the room were on me now.
“I said would you like to introduce yourself to the group?”
“I-I’m Molly,” I said.
“Hi Molly!” Everyone said it at once, and I thought maybe I had stumbled into an AA meeting by mistake.
“Molly, would you like to tell us a little about yourself?”
I looked around the room again. They were all still staring at me. I needed to get out of here.
“No, thank you,” I said. “I really have to go.”
I stood up, and I felt a hand on my arm. It was Brock’s hand.
“Molly, I think you would really like it if you stayed. It helps to talk about it.”
Was he kidding? What did he know about any of this? I shook his hand off my arm and headed for the door. I could hear him say something to Candace, and when I was about halfway down the hall, I could hear his footsteps behind me.
“Molly, wait!” he said as I hit the outer door. I kept going, but he had longer legs than me and caught up quickly. “Molly, stop please. Just for a second.”
“I don’t want to talk to those people, Brock. I don’t even know those people. I don’t know what your deal is either…coming here and acting like you know how I feel…”
“Molly, listen to me, please…”
I could hear him talking, but I didn’t want to listen. I wanted to go home. I started walking away, and that’s when I heard him say, “I have it too, Molly. I have cancer. I have a malignant tumor in my brain.” That stopped me in my tracks.
I turned around and looked at him. I was searching his eyes, his face for anything. I was all at once hopi
ng he was making fun of me somehow and he didn’t really have this awful thing in his head, and praying that he couldn’t be that cruel.
“What are you talking about?”
He took a deep breath and he said, “When I was fourteen I was diagnosed with what they called a pineal germinoma. It’s a form of childhood tumors of the brain. It metastasized to my spinal cord. I had surgeries, but they never could get it all. Part of it wrapped itself around my brain stem. They did chemo, and radiation, and for a while I was in remission. The doctor told me there was only like a one in five million chance that it would ever come back….but it did. It’s inoperable again, but they’re trying some new medications. That’s why I’m here too, just like you. I should have told you before, but….”
“But you thought that would make things weird between us? Trust me, that part I understand.” I couldn’t believe what he was telling me, yet I did. It explained a lot. The special diet, the juice drinks with all the vitamins, the fact that like me, he didn’t drink. “So, are you okay?”
“I’m doing okay, yeah. So far, it hasn’t grown and I’m not having too many side effects from the meds.”
“The night you got sick…when we watched Benny and Joon?”
“Yeah, that was night four. I only take the meds five days a week. Four is the worst. It’s today, in fact. So far, I’m hanging in.”
“Wow,” I was just blown away. “I’m sorry.”
He smiled and said, “For what?”
“That you have cancer,” I said. I know that sounded stupid, but all of a sudden I was at a loss for words with him.
He laughed and said, “Me too. I’m sorry for you too. Can I walk you home?” I nodded, and then I said, “Where’s Suzie?”
He said, “You’re the only girl who has ever called her by her name. Thank you. She’s in the shop, getting a new starter. I’ll tell her you asked about her though, that will make her happy.”
I laughed and said, “Are you a little bit crazy?”
“Just a little,” he agreed.
After that we walked in silence until we got to the dorms. He even carried my little patient belongings bag for me. When we got there he said, “I have a gig at Aqua tomorrow night. I think Jake and Megan are coming. Would you like to go too?”
I had so much crap in my head at that moment I barely knew my own name. “Can I let you know tomorrow?” I asked him.
“Sure,” he said. “Good night, Molly.”
“Good night Brock, and thank you.” I was used to my cancer, and as bad as it sucked, it had become part of me by now. I wasn’t used to his though, and I didn’t like it. I was glad that he took such good care of himself though.
“Maybe you’ll beat it for good this time,” I said.
“Sure,” he replied. “Good night, Molly.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
BROCK
I walked home like one of Jake’s zombies. I couldn’t believe I told her that. I hadn’t told anyone else besides Jake and of course other medical people and stuff. My heart was breaking for her, and I got the feeling that she was in the hospital for more than dehydration. I didn’t blame her for not telling me though. She was right, back in school things got so weird after I was diagnosed, even with my good friends. Except for Jake, of course. He never treated me any differently than he had since we were seven. I’m glad Molly has Megan too. She and Jake really were two peas in a pod, and Molly and I really were lucky to have them both. I needed to remember to be nicer to him. I wish he would make it easier.
When I finally got home, Jake was there on the couch, staring at God knows what on the television. I went over and gave him a backwards, sideways hug and said, “I love you man!”
He looked at me like I had grown a second head but then he said, “Yeah, me too.” Then he went back to his TV. I started to head for my room when I felt it…that tell-tale rumbling in my stomach. The one that always hits me right before the nausea comes. I bypassed my room and headed for the bathroom. I stood leaning against the counter for a minute, hoping that it was just going to pass. When it did, I leaned down and splashed cold water on my face. I reached for the towel and as I did, I suddenly felt the bile rise up in the back of my throat. I moved quickly to the toilet and promptly deposited the remnants of the avocado and turkey sandwich I had eaten for lunch. My hands were shaking now and I could tell that this was going to be one of those nights. I reached for the counter to pull myself up off the floor and my hand slipped. I went down hard, luckily bracing the fall with my shoulder, rather than my head.
“Hey, are you okay?”
It was Jake, knocking on the door. I didn’t answer right away, so Jake just let himself in. He saw me on the floor and was on his knees next to me in a flash. “Did you fall? Did you hit your head?”
“No, I hit my shoulder. I’m okay. Help me up, please.”
Jake did, and once I was back on my feet, another wave of nausea hit and I went back down to the toilet. Jake, bless his heart, stood there and waited until I was finished. When I had nothing left in my stomach to expel, he handed me a wet washcloth and while I brushed my teeth, he went into the kitchen and brought me my Zofran. I leaned against the counter again after I put it under my tongue and I waited for the next wave to pass. Jake stayed right there, not saying a word. You can’t buy friends like that.
When I thought I could move without the motion making me want to puke again, I picked up the little metal wastebasket and a towel and said, “I think I’ll take it in my room. Thank you, Jake.”
“No problem,” he said. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will,” I said. Then on my way into the room I looked over my shoulder and said, “I told Molly tonight.”
Jake stopped and turned around. The look on his face was pure disbelief. “Wow, what did she say?”
My stomach gurgled again, so I said, “I better tell you about it later. Good night.”
“Night.”
It was a night…a long one. I slept off and on with my head hanging off the side of the bed. I think the most I slept in a row all night was about half an hour. Then the wave of nausea would hit me again and I’d have to roll over and heave nothing but bile and stomach acid into the bucket once more. Sometime during the night it occurred to me that I had told the one person whose opinion really mattered to me that I was walking around with a tumor in my head. Too bad she couldn’t see me now; she’d know what a real prize I was.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
MOLLY
“I’m so happy you’re going!” Megan’s enthusiasm was cute, sometimes. We were getting ready to go to Aqua and watch Brock. He was singing again tonight with his friend’s band and I was really looking forward to it. It was the first time in four or five days that I felt really good. I had drunk a lot of water, took my vitamins and wrote down how much I peed. I had to leave this funky looking little “hat” in the toilet to catch and measure my urine. I made sure to take it out and clean it each time. I didn’t want to gross out Megan. I told Megan that Brock knew now, about me being sick. It was weird, but that made her really happy. I didn’t tell her about him. I didn’t know if Jake knew and I’m pretty sure that my illness was the only thing she had ever not told Jake about. I didn’t want to tempt her.
“What are you wearing?” I asked her.
“I got a new dress yesterday,” she said with a guilty smile. Megan’s dad loves her; he dotes on her as a matter of fact. He had given her a credit card before she left for college and told her it was for emergencies. Megan thought having nothing to wear to the club was an emergency. I found myself wishing that my dad was like Megan’s as I rummaged through my clothes. That was a joke. I had spent the first ten years of my life wishing that he just had a name. After that, I accepted that I would probably never know who he was, and I suspected that my mother didn’t either.
I stood staring at my clothes while I had these thoughts. I really wanted to look nice tonight. Megan tried to get me to wear a black sundress that
I had bought over the summer and I accused her of wanting me to die from pneumonia. I tried to wear a black sweater dress and she said it was fine and to call her after the funeral. We both finally settled on a blue knit blouse that was cut almost to my waist in back, but not too low in front and a matching skirt. It wasn’t long, but it wasn’t so short that I had to worry about matching it to the color of my panties either. When we were both finally ready, I was satisfied. Not overwhelmed, or wowed, but satisfied. As we walked out to the car I had the Bruno Mars song Brock had sang to me in the hospital in my head. It gave me chills to know he thought that I was beautiful. He made me feel beautiful too, and that was really all that mattered.
We stopped for Jake on the way. Brock had gotten Suzie out of the shop earlier in the day. He had to be there early to set up but he said he left our names at the door as his guests, so we didn’t have to wait in line. The club had become very popular, and Jake told her it had a lot to do with Brock’s singing and guitar playing. I didn’t doubt it, even if I didn’t know him, after hearing him sing I would go back.
The club was already packed when we got inside. Brock saw us as we made our way through the crowd and waved us over towards the stage. He pointed out two tables that were roped off. “Those are mine and Joe’s, pick one and have a seat,” he said. He looked so good tonight. He was wearing a Grateful Dead T-shirt. It was all black except for the eyes on the face in front. Those were blue, like his. I had to wonder if he had bought the shirt because he knew it matched his eyes. I knew him now though, and even if he did know he was pretty, I knew enough about him to know that he hadn’t let it go to his head.
His dark hair was stylishly mussed and he looked like he hadn’t shaven today. It gave his face an older, rugged look. It was hot. Before I went with Molly and Jake to sit at our table I said, “Good luck.” He winked at me, which really did things to my insides.
“I’m already lucky,” he said, “you showed up.” I walked over to our table on wobbly legs.
The band he was playing with was really good. They did a few sets with Brock playing the guitar and Joe’s wife singing, and then she and Brock did a duet. I tried to look at other things in the club, the people, the décor, Megan and Jake, but my eyes kept being drawn back up to the stage, on Brock. I liked the way he took the microphone off the stand when he sang and pressed his lips down close to it. I began to notice how his voice got deeper and….yes, sexier when he sang a love song. I even noticed how the veins on his muscular arms seemed to come alive and dance as he moved around on stage.
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