"Okay. I'm going for a stroll up Black Hill after, do you want to come along?"
"I'd love to Phil, but I can't. I've got a ton of Brussels sprouts to peel. Thanks anyway."
"Okay."
But who was she trying to fool? Penny knew well enough what the problem was, and didn't know why she'd pushed him into it. Was it to hear him falter, and thereby confirm the impossibility of them being together in any meaningful way? Perhaps. But she'd also meant it as a challenge, not for Phil, but for fate. What was wrong with it? Why could a man not be friends with a woman? Why could they not take off for a walk together over the moors and have a gossip?
"Why can't we, Phil."
"You've got to peel the Brussels sprouts?"
"No. I mean really?"
"Oh,.. that’s easy: Because if someone sees us, they'll think we're at it," he said.
"But I'll never have sex with you."
He felt his heart sink. Was that significant he wondered? I mean he was relieved that was the way she felt, because it meant there was no problem, but the man in him was disappointed that he would never know her in that way.
"It makes no difference," he said. "It's how it looks."
"Who's looking though?"
"Well,… Sally and David, potentially. If Sally was chatting to some bloke all the time and going off on walks with him, I'd want to know about it, and I think I'd be pretty upset."
"You would? Well, that's good isn't it?"
"I suppose it is."
"I'd feel the same about David. Or no, wait a minute. I'd want to kill him, but that's different. That's because he's just an old possession, a part of me I don't want any more, but I wouldn't want him wanting anyone else."
He thought about that. "Maybe you're right. But I still feel I want to be with Sally, or at least the way she was. I want to go back to being the way we were. I know I can't turn the clock back, and we seem so stuck it's impossible to hope that we can ever get through to somewhere else."
"I know."
"You do?"
"I'm married aren't I? Oh,… take no notice of me, Phil. I'll feel better after some Tai Chi. Of course I still want him, but like you said, we're so stuck I don't think we've got the strength to get to where it's good any more, and I hate it the way it is."
"So what do we do? What would David have to do to make you feel good?"
"Oh,… nothing dramatic. Just bring me some flowers, or turn up suddenly and say we were off out somewhere, just me and him, that he's booked a table at Verdis or somewhere - off the cuff, spontaneous, romantic. What about Sally? What would she have to do to make you feel good."
"Well it's a bit more basic, I'm afraid, but then men are like that."
"Well,… go on. What?"
"Well, you know?"
"No. Tell me!"
"Okay, instead of just lying there asleep all the time when we're in bed, just once in our marriage I’d like her to turn over and,… touch me, make it obvious that she was up for it and wanted me right there and then, instead of making me beg for it all the time!"
"Does it always boil down to sex with you?"
"To be honest, yes. Men are like that - no sense in denying it, or feeling guilty about it either. And the longer we have to go without, the more desperate we get."
"Good," she said. "Why should you feel guilty about it? Good for you. Phil! Well, maybe you could try the spontaneous romantic gesture thing with Sally. I'll try the other with David. Now, shall we go in ?"
Chapter 18
Penny took up a position beside Phil who tried not to gawk helplessly at her bottom when she bent over during the warm ups. Doctor Lin was bright and energetic as always. She smiled at him and winked, pleased to have him back in the class. He wondered if it was not simply her manner that made him feel so much better, rather than the Tai Chi.
By now they'd learned all eleven moves of the Tai Chi short form and had progressed on to another sequence called the eighteen form - a set of sinewy movements that flowed into one another - stepping, twisting, turning, pushing,… all gentle and feather-light, like drawing silk, Doctor Lin had said, and even though he assumed that was a metaphor that really only meant something in rural China, Phil understood perfectly,.. and he was getting the feel for it.
He was beginning to experience a more intense tingling in his palms now when he did the moves correctly, and also a coolness, like chilled water running down his arms. When he had mentioned this to Doctor Lin, she'd smiled and told him that was good,… that it showed he was practising. And he'd beamed at her like a little boy awarded a gold star for getting all his spellings right.
There were twelve souls in the community centre that morning and they moved as one. After starting them off Doctor Lin no longer led them but watched from a corner. They took their lead from no one in particular, and so how they managed to stay synchronised was a mystery to Phil. They were like a flock of birds all turning at the same time as if in instantaneous telepathic contact. He felt Penny was following him because her moves lagged a fraction of second behind, but before the end of the session, they were together and he shut out the rest of the group, so he could feel his arms and legs move with hers. The rest of the class could follow them or go to hell, he thought.
It was exquisite, the feel of being in sync with her. If only Sally could have known what this felt like! And it was so long since he had been in sync with Sally.
"And how much did that thing cost, then?"
Sally was watching him from the back door as he eased the Buddha down into the border of the garden. "Oh, someone was giving it away at the class. There were no other takers. What do you think?"
Sally thought for a moment. "Its all right I suppose."
Phil breathed easier. "All right I suppose", was about the best it got these days when it came to approval. He stood back and looked at the ornament. It had a serenity that he longed to emulate, but it had also once belonged to Penny. It radiated her presence rather than the glow of Buddha's enlightenment, and that was a very dangerous thing to be bringing home with him.
Then Phil brought her the flowers from out of the car, hardly able to contain his excitement at the thought of her lighting up. She was in the conservatory now, browsing the Radio Times. "You'd better put them in some water then," she said, looking up at him as if she did not wish to be disturbed.
"But,… don't you like them?"
"If you want to say sorry, just say it. There's no need to go wasting money on flowers."
"Sorry?" Phil searched his memory for anything he could have done that warranted an apology. "I wasn't apologising."
"And you think that makes it all right then?"
"Sally, what have I done?"
Later, not hundred miles away in another executive brick-box, Penny slid into bed wearing nothing but a black laced thong and a teddy top. She disliked thongs for everyday wear because by mid morning it felt like she was wearing a cheese wire round her privates, but they were sexy and she knew they caught men's eyes especially when they poked out above one's trousers. You could have a figure like sack of potatoes and thighs like tree trunks, but stick a thong out over the top of your jeans and you'd have men following you round like helpless puppies! David lumbered up the stairs much later, and he undressed in the dark - Winsiette pyjamas, severely buttoned, top and bottom. This really isn't going to work, Penny.
"Penny, what's that smell?"
"It's probably Poison, David."
"Poison?"
"It's a scent. I found some in my dressing table from last Christmas. I wanted to see if it was still okay. I think I might have overdone it."
"Hmn,.. I think you might. Goodnight, then."
"Good night."
It was midnight when David woke up with a start and one of those guilty wet-dream feelings, to find that a foreign body had crept its way inside his pyjama bottoms and had massaged his penis until it was poking out like a cucumber.
He held himself rigid, then squirmed, clenching hi
s buttocks and screwing his eyes shut to prevent the thing from going off, but off it went all the same and he lay there, breathless and speechless.
"Penelope?"
On went the light. He was lying in wet pyjamas underneath a wet duvet. What the hell was she playing at? "What on earth are you wearing? What if the boys were to see you?"
Penny turned aside, then stood up, but was suddenly ashamed of her thong stringed buttocks. The way David was looking at her now made her feel like a filthy hooker. "Oh, for heaven's sake David. I'll get you some tissue."
Maybe it would have worked on Phil, maybe he would have woken up like a raging bull and shagged her rigid, but David just sighed and began peeling off the offending duvet, while maintaining his still erect member at a discrete angle away from her - in case she thought him depraved.
Chapter 19
Monday morning. The weather was fair, but the season was turning - not many more mornings like this one, thought Phil: fresh and calm and clear. Soon it would be winter and dark - too cold for Tai Chi.
He pushed his way through the little gate and stepped into the orchard. His last memory of leaving home was seeing the flowers on the dining table. It had been on his mind to throw the things away, but Ellie had taken them from him and spent ages painstakingly arranging them. Phil had watched her - such a pretty child, her tongue stuck out a little as she'd concentrated on the flowers, and his heart had ached with love. It had also ached at the thought of the mountain of crap she would have to climb in her life, just to get to the point where he and Sally were standing now. God help her, he thought.
He knew Penny was here because her car was parked outside, but she wasn't practising. She was sitting up on the deck, wrapped in a thick fleece sipping jasmine tea. The wind chimes were tinkling and a moody mist of steam hung around her head. It was obvious to him that something had happened; something bad.
"Morning, Phil. Tea?"
"Thanks. Is Lara about?"
"She was. She went back in. It's a bit cold for her."
"It is a bit nippy this morning."
They sat together with their tea and Phil felt her mood picking up his thoughts and driving them in similar directions, like synchronised Tai Chi. "You're not practising then?"
She shook her head. "Nah,… I just wanted to sit for a while, somewhere quiet - and that's nowhere around my house, I can tell you!"
"Mine neither. Everything all right?"
"Apart from feeling like a third rate hooker, everything's fine."
"Oh dear."
She lifted her face and smiled briefly but it sagged quickly back into a frown. "I tried to surprise David in bed last night."
"You did? And?… Sorry,… that's none of my business."
"Yes it is. It was your idea."
"It was not!"
"Oh come on, just let me blame you for now. I'll apologise later, all right?"
"Okay. What happened?"
"Well, I just did like you said. I just touched him, you know? I wore some nice frillies and a bit of scent and,… well, I've not lost the knack, or maybe I should have teased him a bit more. I didn't expect him to come so quick."
Phil was almost certain this wasn't the kind of conversation they should be having. "Well,… that's good isn't it?"
"Not really. He's still getting over the shock,… oh and the fact that I also own a thong really disturbed him."
"Disturbed? Again, that's good."
"No. When David gets disturbed he starts quoting the bible and whipping himself with nettles."
"Now you're just having me on."
"All right. I'm exaggerating. But only a little."
Phil took a deep, slow breath, fighting back an unhelpful arousal at the thought of Penny stroking a penis while wearing a thong. "Penny, I'm really sorry. Obviously not all men are as depraved as I am! But if it's any comfort, the flowers didn't work either."
"You bought flowers?"
"Sally assumed I was apologising for something - but I couldn't remember what I'd done and that just made her angry."
"Ah,… she took the negative view. She really is brassed off then. And you can't remember what you did?"
"No, really! I swear she's making it up just to irritate me."
"But I thought Trevor was coming round to badger you into something, and you just took off over the moors without an explanation. No wonder the flowers didn't work! I'm surprised she didn't make you eat them."
Phil couldn't believe he'd forgotten. He'd lied to himself so convincingly he'd actually managed to convince himself it was the truth. Sally hadn't even mentioned it - she'd just swallowed it down and gone boiling-mad-quiet on him.
"Oh, god, I'm losing it! After talking to you everything just went out of my head. It's like I hypnotised myself or something. I convinced myself I really had told her."
"It's a good trick if you can remember how you did it. Can you teach me?"
"Look, I am sorry about you and David. But maybe David's thinking about it now, and maybe he'll pay you a bit more attention. If a woman put her hand in my trousers, I know I'd be thinking about it."
"But what would you be thinking?"
"Well,… that I'd like her to do it again of course."
They were quiet for a while, then the summer house door creaked open a fraction in the breeze behind them. There was an old futon inside covered with a tartan travel blanket. It was a little dusty but dry, an old Chinese rug covering the boards. The wind chimes tinkled sweetly and Penny looked at the futon, and Phil looked at the futon. Then they looked at each other and knew instantly that they'd been caught out thinking the same thing, if only briefly.
Phil pursed his lips and shook his head slowly. "We're going to get burned Penny."
Penny was shocked by how easily she had imagined it. It was just pique, she supposed: rejected by one man, so you seek reassurance with another. Phil was right though; they were going to get burned if they weren't careful.
Chapter 20
"So, Phil, what is it that you most want to achieve in the next five years?"
Phil blinked away from Scrotum's gaze. Scrotum was the name he'd privately given to Adam Winter, his manager, the smooth cheeked youth who was now conducting his Performance Review. What did he say? Redundancy at 52? Early retirement with a small pension and the freedom to practice Tai Chi whenever he wanted? Or was it to get divorced and marry Penny? Perhaps they could swap partners. David sounded more of a suitable husband for Sally - not so horny,… how did David manage that? Phil envied him. Or was David just as horny but more guilty about it and better at shutting the thought down before it turned into an erection and the desire to shag the pants off someone?
"Philip?"
"Oh,… well,… obviously we need to refurbish the machine shop, Adam. I shall be redoubling my efforts to present a firm financial case."
Adam nodded, his expression blank. It was the right answer, even though both he and Phil knew there wasn't hope in hell of getting money for anything. Spread sheets and Presentations were cheap - Machine tools cost money, and you could cut metal far more cheaply in China - probably faster too, so what was the point?
And in his mind Penny was still stroking him wearing nothing but a lace thong - a thin string between those magnificent buttocks. And while she stroked him, she was smiling, teasing, chatting to him, making saucy small-talk.
"I'm sorry Adam, what was that?"
"Anything more to add, Philip?"
"No,.. I don't think so."
Adam was happy. He had twenty five Performance Reviews to get through, and Phil was always the first - a pushover, an easy one to break the ice. Adam could put tick in a box now and tell his own gaffer that he'd started.
Phil sighed. Maybe he was getting past all this, and certainly forgetting that Trevor was coming yesterday, forgetting even to feel guilty, and convincing himself it was okay to go for a walk after Tai Chi, all of that was surely a sign of approaching dementia! The old fella had gone that way in the end, and
Phil wondered if it was hereditary. But he'd been distracted that's all. Penny had distracted him. What were they trying to do? Patch each other's marriages up?
He felt for her. He imagined her sexily dressed, her guard deliberately lowered, because that's what sex is,… that's what love is: you lower your guard, you accept the danger of a rebuff, and so does the other person. That's the only way your softer sides can ever meet, the only way to ever know love. And she'd feel stupid afterwards, maybe David had even said something about the way she was dressed, not just pulling the guard down but slamming it on her fingers.
And then you meet someone by chance, someone who's nice to you, someone whose smile makes you feel like a million dollars, and all because you're so starved of love. And what are you supposed to do about it? Nothing?
But Penny was right. She'd already run it far ahead in her mind. She and David had had the same start as everyone, the same sparkle at one time. Who was to say it would not happen again? Especially if you never saw it coming. The dining dead, as Jim Carey had called it in "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" - everything said, everything talked out, nothing left except to nag or be nagged.
They were better as they were. Better preserving this,… . what?… what was it? Friendship?
"Sally, so I'm sorry."
"You've remembered now have you?"
"I've booked us a table at Verdis, tonight at eight. Richies coming over to sit. He'll be here in an hour."
Sally paused. It was the Richie bit that she didn't like, but maybe that was irrational - he just didn't seem grown up somehow, and it was a bit late for him to start now. "At Verdi's? Can we afford it?"
"Sal, we've not been out in ages. It's hardly extravagant."
She smiled. God, she smiled! She melted, she beamed. "All right. And I forgive you. But next time Dad says he's coming over with a scheme, just say no."
"I do say no. I say it all the time,… but he never takes the hint."
"We don't save enough Phil. And you might be made redundant. We do need more money at the back of us."
Push Hands Page 12