How could he love Dee and love Paige at the same time? It didn’t seem possible, yet the only definition he knew for his feelings for Paige was love. He thought about her, wanted to be with her. Her touch sent pulses of electricity over his skin. When she smiled, he smiled, and when she was angry he wanted to fix the problem. Or at least hold her hand while she fixed it.
When he thought about Dee his chest didn’t clutch and he no longer wanted to destroy anything in his path because of the overwhelming grief. It was harder to pull up her image from his memory banks, but he could hear her laugh. Smell her perfume sometimes. Those memories made him smile, in a different way than being with Paige did, but both felt like love.
“Alex. You alive over there?” Tuck waved his hands in the air as if signaling for an airplane landing.
“I don’t know.” It was the best he could do. How did you tell a woman you loved her, but that you still loved someone else, too? She would think he was crazy. As accepting of his past as she had been, this would be too much.
“Don’t know if you’re alive or don’t know when you’ll tell her?” Tuck leaned back in his office chair and put his booted feet on the desk.
“Why do you think I’m in love with her? Don’t answer that. I don’t need your advice.” Alex shot Tuck an annoyed look. He didn’t need advice from a guy whose longest relationship, pre-Alison, was five days. Not even if the guy was his best friend.
“Yeah, you do. Because Paige is the best thing to happen to you since that first date with Dee and if you can’t see then you’re more than blind. You’re dumb, to boot.”
“Tuck, stop.”
“She is a beautiful woman to start with—”
“I don’t need you to recount the ways Paige is amazing.” He knew all those ways by heart. What he didn’t know was how he could love her without stopping loving Dee.
Tuck ignored the interruption. “She’s a good friend and a good mom. Has a steady job that she loves and refuses to cow to her overbearing mother. Still with me?” Alex could only nod his head. Tuck was right, Paige was all of those things and more.
She was funny and attentive. Had seemingly unlimited patience with Kaylie. Was an incredibly talented artist. Her nose crinkled when she laughed and she bit her bottom lip when she was contemplating something. Or when she was nervous. She tasted like the most decadent of desserts and her body fit his like it was made for him. Alex pulled at the collar of his shirt but the room was stifling.
“I can’t vouch for the way she tastes but I will say you two have a definite connection. It’s obvious to anyone in a five-mile radius.” Tuck interrupted Alex’s thoughts.
Wait. How did he know what Alex had been thinking? “Did I just say all that out loud?”
Tuck nodded. “You did, and not quietly, either.”
Thank God they were alone in the office. Alex pressed the back of his neck against the cool leather of his desk chair. What was he going to do?
“Dee isn’t here, you know.”
He beetled his brows. Tuck wasn’t helping. “I’m aware.”
“She isn’t coming back.”
“I know that, too.”
The phone rang and Tuck picked it up only to hang up immediately. “I don’t think this has to be an either/or thing. I think you can be in love with Paige and still keep your memories of the past.”
Alex couldn’t look at his friend. He wasn’t a blubbering, emotional wreck, but he knew if he took his eyes off the ceiling tiles he would embarrass them both. “Thank you,” he said finally, wondering when shallow, self-absorbed Tuck had become such an insightful friend.
And hoping beyond hope that he was right.
* * *
“I THINK WE could use a shower,” Alex panted as they topped the steps leading up to the Arch on Tuesday evening. The boiler at Paige’s school had blown up that morning and until Thursday there were no classes. Tuck was covering for Alex at the parks, Dot, whose animosity toward them both seemed to have cooled, asked to take Kaylie to the zoo for the day and he and Paige were having their second official date.
Their first since they made love on Halloween night four long days before.
Alex had suggested one of the steamboats and dinner aboard the ship, but Paige preferred a picnic dinner beneath the Arch. And then challenged him to a race along the Gateway Arch Trail.
Paige shook her head and then put her hands on her knees as she breathed deeply. “I’m more of a bath girl. Should I have mentioned that before? Bubble baths. Long—” she kissed him, sweaty nose to sweaty nose “—and hot—” her teeth nipped his lower lip “—and absolutely not G-rated.”
God, she was perfect. The right amount of sass and sweet. The responsible mom and the flirty girlfriend all at the same time. He loved her. Why couldn’t he say it? Alex took her hand, hurrying them to the hotel where they were staying for the night.
She drew a bath while he poured chilled wine into glasses. Paige’s eyes widened. “Ooh, I see you have your own idea of what a bath should be.”
“You have no idea,” he said.
In the tub, Alex pulled her back against him, playing his hands over her flat stomach. Teasing her, letting his fingers graze over her core and then bringing them back to play with the undersides of her breasts.
But Paige didn’t let him have all the fun. She reached behind her, which pushed her firm breasts higher into the air, to take his member in her hand. Squeeze and caress and play her thumb over his sensitive tip.
If he didn’t slow her down this would be over before either of them was ready. Alex set her away from him, immediately feeling as if there was a vacuum between them. But he needed the space, just for a little longer. He picked up the rough sponge and ran it over her smooth back, squeezing the hot water over her skin and making her shiver. Rubbing the coarseness over her sensitive breasts and making her moan. Her body shook against him when he pulled her to him and slid two fingers into her heat. She ground her hips against his hand and reached behind his head to press his lips to hers.
“Alex, more,” she gasped.
He gave her more, pressing his thumb to the tiny bundle of nerves in rhythm with the motion of his fingers until she writhed in the water, eyes closed, hands gripping the smooth sides of the tub as the jets pounded against them below the surface. Alex felt her tense beneath him but didn’t let up until her back bowed and he felt the flutter of her internal walls against his fingers.
He lifted her from the steaming water, toweled her dry and carried her back to the bed. She was boneless, holding on to him as if she would never let go. Alex lay her against the pillows and took his time, licking droplets of water from her skin. Sucking her nipples into his mouth and pressing his thumb against the sensitive bundle of flesh. Her reactions to him were fascinating. The indrawn breaths. The way she bit down on her lower lip. How she hiked her legs around him, wanting everything and all at once. Alex left the bed long enough to pull another foil packet from his wallet, then slid it over himself and rejoined her on the bed.
Paige ran her hands through his hair and over his shoulders, pulling him against her. Wrapping her legs around his waist. “I want you,” she said as he pressed against her center.
Her walls gave willingly, inviting him in. Exciting his flesh. Alex’s natural rhythm took over as his lips met hers. She twined her fingers with his, panting against him. Tension rose in her body. Her hands tightened against his shoulders, her feet flexed against his buttocks.
“Alex, please,” she said as her back bowed and he took her over the edge once more.
Breathing heavily, Alex balanced his arms on the bed, keeping most of his weight off her until he could move again. Then he rolled onto his back and brought her with him, snuggled into the curve of his body once more. She shivered and Alex pulled the duvet over them.
Paige wrapped her leg around his and twined his fingers with hers. She breathed deeply, as if she might sleep, but he felt her heart thundering against his side.
�
��I love you,” she said as her eyes drifted closed and her heart stopped pounding.
Alex ran his fingers over her damp hair, twisting it lightly around his fingers until her breathing quieted and she sighed. Her body went limp and he knew she was asleep. He kissed her lightly on the forehead and whispered to the room, “I love you, too.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
THEY SPENT THE first two weeks of November much the same as they’d spent the last two weeks in October: Alex would come to Paige’s house after work. They would cook or go out to eat. He would spend time with Kaylie and after she was down for the night, Alex and Paige would sit on the back deck or cuddle up on the sofa to watch television. They touched and they kissed. Held hands.
Talked about telling Kaylie who he really was.
And with each passing day Alex felt more settled. They would tell Kaylie about his paternity soon. It would be their first holiday season as a family.
At quarter to five, Alex found Paige and Kaylie sitting on the floor picking leaves from color-coded piles on the tile floor. He waited at the sliding glass door and watched for a moment, taking in the scene. Paige with dirt and pieces of leaf caught on her hands, Kaylie holding up leaves to determine their worth and chattering about decorating her classroom in one breath and her swim test this evening in the next.
God, he loved them.
He wanted them. Wanted Kaylie to know he was her father. Wanted to build a full life with Paige.
Tonight. He would tell them both. Tonight. He opened the door and said hello to his family.
* * *
AT THE POOL Alex sat on the familiar bench seat, watching Kaylie push through the water. In just the few weeks he’d been coming to her practices he saw a marked improvement in her stroke technique. He shouted encouragement to the little girl and was rewarded with a grin and a wave.
“I still say fun is the most important part of lessons at this point.”
“I think you’re right.”
Paige’s jaw dropped. “What’s this? Ex-swimmer Alex Ryan says stroke technique isn’t the most important thing for a four-year-old to master?”
He grinned at her teasing. “I still say it’s better to learn correctly than to erase old habits. As long as she’s having fun, I’m good.”
The coach caught their attention as she readied Kaylie and one other child for their test. She gave them their instructions—swim to the rope and then tread water for five seconds. The instructors moved into position and Kaylie waved at them from her position at the wall. The coach called out and Kaylie kicked off. Her kick was low and she held her head out of the water more than it was in, but her arms were almost perfect and she made it to the rope without stopping. The instructor gave her a high five and helped her to the ladder as she gave the next group the instructions.
“Mama, Alex, I did it!” she squealed as she shook water off her legs. “I got to the rope. I’m going to Level Three.” And she started running.
Alex and Paige both stood, telling Kaylie to walk, but the little girl was too excited. She rounded the corner of the pool and stepped in a puddle of water. Alex’s stomach pitched when her legs flew up from behind and her body flew forward toward the pool. He lunged to catch her but was too far away.
The sound of Kaylie’s head hitting the hard side of the pool wall was sickening. Both instructors lunged for her. Kaylie’s face was white and a trickle of blood trailed from her hairline over her chubby cheek and into the water.
“No, no.” Paige sobbed as she reached for the little girl from the side. A lifeguard ordered Alex to keep Paige back while the swim coach cradled Kaylie’s body from the water and the other instructor grabbed the backboard from the wall. It was the hardest thing he’d ever done, holding Paige back from her daughter. Not diving into the water himself.
They had Kaylie strapped to the board in a second. And within another, the other lifeguard told them the ambulance was on the way. Paige held Kaylie’s hand but she wasn’t moving.
God, let her move. Let her cry. Anything. The words were a jumble in Alex’s mind, not making sense. Tripping over Kaylie’s voice from when she’d excitedly told them she leveled up. Why wasn’t she moving?
Alex reached for Paige’s free hand and it was cold, as cold as his own heart. In the distance he heard sirens but all he could see was Kaylie’s pale face.
He couldn’t let it happen again.
He couldn’t lose another person that he loved.
* * *
PAIGE PACED OUTSIDE the room housing the big X-ray machine, allowing anger at the doctors to take over from the cold and fear she’d felt from the second Kaylie pitched forward into the pool. They said it didn’t matter that she was a baby, Paige could only watch from outside the room.
While her baby lay quietly in the room.
She didn’t care about protocol and she didn’t care about the risk to herself from the X-ray machine. She wanted to be with her daughter.
Alex hurried through the door from the waiting room and relief swept over her. She took his hand and together they watched as the technician took images of Kaylie’s head. A moment later they wheeled her out, and although she was still groggy from the fall, Paige thought she was a bit more alert than she had been when they’d arrived in the ambulance.
The orderly settled Kaylie in the emergency room once more and Paige pulled a chair over to sit beside her.
“My head hurts,” she said in a weak voice.
“You slipped and fell, sweetpea. You’ll be okay.”
“Did you see me swim? I got to the rope all by myself.”
“We saw it.” Alex stepped forward and took Kaylie’s other hand when she reached for the bloodstained bandage on her head. “You did so great.”
The emergency-room doctor hurried in, followed by Kaylie’s pediatrician. “Ms. Kenner, Mr. Ryan. Kaylie is going to be fine.” The doctor put Kaylie’s X-rays on a lighted board and indicated a dark spot on the screen. “She has a nasty bump and there is a small subdural hematoma here, but we don’t see any bleeding on the brain.”
Paige sagged back against her chair and Alex put his hands on her shoulders. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you. Can we take her home?”
Dr. Laffay, Kaylie’s pediatrician, shook her head. “Kaylie needs to stay with us for tonight. We’ll watch her closely, just to make sure there is no damage we haven’t spotted yet.”
“Can I stay with her for the night?” Relief swept over Paige at the doctors’ words, but she didn’t want to leave her baby, not tonight.
“You won’t get much sleep. The nurses will be in periodically to wake her, make sure things are moving along smoothly,” Dr. Laffay warned.
“I don’t care, I want to stay.”
“We’ll have a cot brought in for you, then.”
Ten bustling minutes later Kaylie was settled in a new room in the children’s ward outside the ER. A nurse checked her vitals and made sure she was comfortable before telling Paige to buzz if they needed anything.
She needed Alex, Paige thought, but although he was beside her she could tell he wasn’t really there. He’d held her hand all the way to the hospital. Taken over at the admission desk, giving the pertinent insurance information to the intake worker. Held Kaylie’s hand when she was scared and hurting before the doctors gave her any medication. Through it all he was physically there, but he wasn’t present, not the way he usually was.
Everyone responds differently in a crisis.
Except he was a park ranger. Used to stressful situations, taking charge. From the second Kaylie had started to fall it was as if Ranger Alex was gone, replaced by a stranger.
“You don’t have to stay.”
“I can stay.” His words were hollow and now that there was no work to be done, his face was pale, even in the dim light of the hospital room.
“I know you can. You don’t have to.” As much as she wanted him to stay, she needed to focus on Kaylie. Not him.
He paced the room. Picke
d up Kaylie’s chart and thumbed through it as if he could decipher the scribblings on the page. “I’ll stay. For you.” He glanced at Kaylie, tucked under a white blanket with an IV in her little hand. “For her.”
Paige went to him. “You don’t have to. If it makes you uncomfortable.”
“I was going to tell you tonight.”
“Tell me what?”
“Tell you I thought it was time to tell Kaylie I’m her biological father.”
Paige’s breathing quickened and she squeezed his hand in hers. “I think it’s time she knew, too.”
Dr. Laffay entered, interrupting Paige. “Your cot will be delivered shortly, Paige.” She turned to Alex. “Visiting hours were over a long time ago, though. You’ll have to leave.”
“He isn’t visiting. He’s—” Paige paused for a split second and then plunged ahead. If anyone would understand this crazy situation, it would be Kaylie’s doctor. “He is Kaylie’s father.”
“You’re adopting her. That’s wonderful.” The doctor called for another cot. “We’ll make an exception. It’s important for Kaylie to be with people she knows for the next few days. She’s going to be in quite a bit of pain as the hematoma heals.”
The cots arrived and Paige and Alex settled into the darkened hospital room with the beeping machines and the occasional sigh from Kaylie.
“You told her I’m Kaylie’s father.” Alex reached across the darkness to take Paige’s hand. He felt warm, familiar, and she was glad for the contact.
“You are her father. I would have corrected the adoption part of it, but I’m exhausted. I know we wanted to tell Kaylie first, but I don’t think she’ll mind, since you get to have your first sleepover because of it.”
He chuckled in the darkness but his voice was heavy when he spoke. “When I saw her fall I felt like I was falling, too.”
“Alex.” Paige squeezed his hand in sympathy.
“I had this terrifying thought that I would lose someone else I loved. I do love her, Paige.”
“I know.” His words warmed her in a way the blankets and his touch couldn’t. “She loves you, too.” She settled her head against his shoulder. “I love you,” she said for the second time.
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