“When did you grow up?” I pulled back to really look at her. She had grown up. She was beautiful with a delicate little nose and bright, intelligent eyes. Her red hair glimmered in the sunlight filtering through the window in my door.
“While you were away at war.” Her sad eyes were looking at my face the way I was analyzing hers. “You look tired.”
“I can’t sleep.” I headed for the kitchen and she followed silently behind me.
One of the great things about Caro was that she never felt the need to fill any silence. If she decided to talk to someone about anything it was because she felt compelled to. I’d always thought that was why she’d gotten along so well with the horses at our family estate in Virginia. Caro spent every waking moment with the horses. When she was younger our mother had encouraged her to participate in different competitions. I’d suspected she’d hoped Caro would end up on an Olympic pedestal. But Caro had never really cared about the competition. She’d been in it for the horses and nothing else.
“Why didn’t you go to the funeral?”
“Jesus, Caro. Let me make some coffee before you start in on me, okay?” I poured ground coffee into the filter and refilled the water.
“Do you have anything to eat with the coffee?” Caro opened a cabinet. “There are crackers in here, Jake. Nothing else.” She pulled the rumpled package out and held it up for me to look at.
“I haven’t gone shopping.” The last time I’d gone grocery shopping was with Maddie before the press junket. My heart clenched at the reminder of how long it had been since we’d been normal.
As if the universe was intent on torturing me, my phone beeped. I picked it up, knowing without a doubt that it would be Maddie. She’d stopped calling and leaving voice mails. She knew me well enough to guess that I deleted them without listening to them.
She’d be right. It was painful to hear her voice.
But her text messages read like a book. She told me all about her day, the volunteer staff at RCVB, and about new animals at the shelter. The messages always ended asking about me and Puz and telling me she missed me.
I sat the phone back down without reading the text and turned to get a coffee cup.
“You didn’t go to your friend’s funeral. They made sure there was a chair next to Maddie.” Caro’s voice wasn’t accusatory. She was merely stating a fact.
“No, I didn’t.” I looked at my sister and for once didn’t hold back. “I couldn’t, Caro”
“Have you seen his family? I saw their pictures in the news. They look like nice people.” She didn’t fidget, didn’t look away from me. “They could probably use some friends. Maddie has been going over there every couple of days. She worries she’s going to crowd them.”
“She would.” I looked at my sister. “Did Maddie ask you to come here?”
“No. I came because you didn’t answer my phone calls. I know what Maddie’s been up to because she has answered my phone calls.”
I grunted, not sure what to do with all of that information. Part of me was glad that Maddie hadn’t punked out on her friends the way I had, but it also made me feel even guiltier.
“Hope you don’t want creamer.” I glanced in her direction. “Because as you saw, I’m out of everything.”
“I gave up caffeine.” Caro picked up my phone from the counter. “You really should put a pass code on your phone. She misses you, you know.”
“Why did you give up caffeine?” I didn’t look at her because I didn’t want her to see how much I missed Maddie too.
“It made my anxiety worse.” At that I did turn around to look at her.
“You—anxiety?” I frowned. Caro had been a sensitive, nervous girl growing up but I hadn’t realized it had affected her so much.
“Yeah.” She hopped on the counter and swung her legs. “I’d drink lots of caffeine when I was staying up to study. I started keeping a chart of my panic attacks and I realized they were worse when I was using lots of caffeine and not getting enough sleep.”
“How long have you had panic attacks?” I turned to look at her fully, the familiar feeling of guilt gnawing at my stomach. Only she would think to keep a chart of her panic attacks.
“As long as I can remember.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay.” She smiled at me. “I mean, I see someone and I work through it.”
“What about Mom?” Rage filled my body. She would use this to control Caro. “She’ll use this, Caro!”
“She doesn’t know.” Her smile was so bright it lit up the room and her giggle loosened something in my chest. “It’s liberating to have something she knows nothing about.”
“But your security detail? The bills?”
“Skype appointments mean no one knows I see the doctor and what’s the point of being a trust fund baby if I can’t pay for my own doctor bills?” She shrugged.
“How did you find this doctor? I mean, if you only talk to him on the computer he might not even be a real doctor! What if he’s using the bathroom or something when you call? Do you talk to him while he shits?”
She laughed so hard tears formed in her eyes. “It’s a woman and no, I’ve never talked to her while she was going to the bathroom. She deals with a lot of high-profile clients.”
“Who told you about her?” I poured my coffee and thought about it.
“Chance.”
I looked over at her and raised an eyebrow. Chance was an actor that had attached himself to my sister when we’d been younger. He made our home life look like Waltons reruns. His mother was a mega-star and his father was from old money. Their lives had been splashed across media from the get-go. His father was a real dick and his mother wasn’t exactly up for mother of the year award. Where his father was uptight and worried about appearances, Chance’s mother, Merie, had been more about living life to the fullest. Needless to say, that marriage hadn’t lasted and Chance had bounced between homes.
It was pretty bad when he thought our family was normal.
“How is Chance?” The last I’d heard, he was dating some glamorous model in Spain.
“Filming a new movie.” Caro rolled her eyes. “Dating his co-star again.”
“The same co-star he’s dated before or dating another co-star?”
“This one is new. I like her and hate knowing that he’s going to break her heart.”
“Huh.” I’d always thought there might be something between my sister and her well photographed friend, but as far as I knew it had remained platonic. “Maybe this one will stick.”
“Mm-hmm. It’s Chance, Jake. The only way it’s going to stick is if she clubs him upside the head and drags him to her cave. The guy can’t seem to stay satisfied.” She fiddled with her shirt.
“And, uh, that upsets you?” I frowned, not sure if I was supposed to ask those kinds of questions.
“Oh, God. No. But I do feel bad for Claudia. She’s nice, not spoiled by the glitz yet.” She choked out a laugh. “Chance is good-looking, but it’s never been like that for us. I don’t know. I think I know too much about him.”
“You’re the one seeing the doctor.” I looked down at my coffee. “I’m not exactly up for any sort of advice.”
“I’m here to dole out the advice today.” She jumped off the counter and walked around the kitchen looking at things. “You need to find someone to talk to. There isn’t anything to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not ashamed.” My response was a little too fast, a little too loud. “Maybe I am. I don’t know. I’m willing to talk to someone. I promised Mad—it’s finding someone to talk to that’s proving difficult. The faster Mom shoves doctors in my face, the faster I run in the opposite direction.”
“It sucks being the Vice President’s kid.” Caro scrunched up her nose. “But you can find someone.”
“Like your Skype doctor.” I leveled my gaze on her.
“No. Dr. Darden is too gentle and patient for you.” She sized me up with her eyes. “You need someone t
hat’s going to push you and not put up with your shit.”
“Thank you, Doctor Caro. I didn’t realize seeing a psychologist meant you became one.”
“Har, har. It doesn’t give me a license to practice, but being your sister means I have twenty-two years of experience dealing with you and your stubborn pride. You don’t need someone mushy, feely. You need no-nonsense.”
“I’ll take that into consideration.” I watched as she poked at all the little touches Maddie had added in the kitchen over the past weeks. “Do you want to go get dinner?”
“Am I going with my brother or with Bigfoot?”
“I’ll change.” I set my coffee down.
“And shower.” She pointed at her face and made a circle motion. “And do something about all that.”
“Some women like scruffy men.”
“Scruffy, yes. Old Man Winter, no.”
“It’s not that long.” I ran my hand over my chin noting that it was longer than I’d realized.
“Did you know your facial hair grows in uneven? That’s why sexy men with beards take care of them. And there’s something stuck in there, by the way. Otherwise you look like Bigfoot.”
“So, did your Skype doctor give you a sense of humor too?”
“Find out at dinner.” She walked out of the kitchen looking at everything in my place with interest. She lingered on things that Maddie had picked out, little ways she’d claimed the space. Puz’s food and water bowl shaped like puzzle pieces. The spice rack she’d hung on one of the cabinets. “And I’m calling Ari. She’s dying to see you. We can meet somewhere.”
“Won’t Mom know you’re here then?” I stopped on the stairs before heading to my room.
“Mom already knows I’m here.” She turned and looked at me. “Ari needed a break so I’m here to share the load.”
I walked back down the stairs, wrapped an arm around her neck and kissed her head. “Thanks.”
“You stink.” She looked up at me. “And you’re welcome.”
Chapter 24
Maddie
The car ride to the Lilarian embassy was silent. Tony had been withdrawn and quieter than usual—even for him, but I had no idea why. Since he’d held my hand in the car from Jake’s house he’d basically been mute.
I hadn’t wanted to come to dinner by myself but no one was able to come with me. Phoebe was back in town but had been busy and couldn’t come, to her utter disappointment. The last time we’d really talked she’d gushed about the pictures of me dancing with Alex in the papers and online.
I’d worn the same outfit I wore on my first date with Jake. Maybe it was because my heart was hurting and I’d felt sentimental when I saw it hanging up in my closet. Or maybe it was just because it was an outfit already put together. As lazy as I was, I knew I could have found something else to wear, but there’d been no denying the ache in my chest when I’d seen the clothes. I missed Jake so much, but I kept hoping he’d reach out to me. I was giving him his space, but I hadn’t given up on us.
It had been weeks since I’d told him I loved him and he’d kicked me out. It had been weeks since I’d heard his voice or seen him face to face. And even though I knew he was hurting it had been so painful to lay it all out there and be told to leave. But I wasn’t going to give up.
I knew that if he was trying to avoid me, he wasn’t going to listen to voice mails, so short of stalking him and showing up places he might be, I sent him text messages. Only one every day so I didn’t stress him out, but he knew someone out there loved him.
Cyrus’s death scared me. It scared me that someone could seem so normal, so put together while talking about the future, and then dead the next day. Was Jake at that point? Would Jake commit suicide if he didn’t find help?
That thought haunted me every single day.
I knew his mother had set up appointments for him, but from what I could gather, they’d all gone poorly. And they would continue to do so. Anyone his mother sent to him would fail for the sole reason that his mother had chosen them. Jake couldn’t seem to open up. He was scared of what he’d find and he wasn’t going to risk opening himself up to more hurt with a doctor he couldn’t trust.
We pulled up in front of the Lilarian embassy and I looked out at the building. It stood out on Embassy Row and I found myself wondering if it had served as a church in a previous life. The building had Gothic turrets that stretched for the sky and stained glass covered the side facing the street. Ivy trailed along the steps and I found it charming that they’d let it grow instead of having it removed. Their flag flew high for everyone to see and armed guards stood at the door, but I’d lost my awe for armed strangers a long time ago.
Tony didn’t say or ask anything, just waited for my signal to open the door. He never asked about Jake, but when we’d come back from one of the uneventful trips to see Jake, Tony would just nod and tell me to keep at it. There were times when I felt as if he had known things would work out this way, but I’d never understand how.
I stared out the window and nodded my head for Tony to open the door. One of the guards stepped forward and requested my name.
“Madeline McGuire.” I held up my ID for one of the guards to inspect. “I’m having dinner with the Prince and Duchess.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
They led me inside, but Tony was asked to stay outside of the residential area. He settled into a chair near a group of Lilarian security playing some type of card game. His back was stiff and I knew that he wouldn’t be joining in the fun. When Tony was on duty, there was no break in concentration.
“Maddie!” Samantha walked across a plush rug in bare feet, a gorgeous toddler with wavy brown hair tucked against her hip. She leaned forward and kissed my cheek.
“Samantha, thanks for having me over.” I smiled down at the little girl looking at me. “Hi, I’m Maddie. What’s your name?”
“Mah-tha.” She smiled shyly up at me. “Wike Mad-dee.”
“That’s right. They both start with an ‘M.’” Samantha bopped her hip up and down and elicited a giggle from her daughter. “You’re so smart.”
I watched the mother and daughter, my heart lifting a little at the normalcy of their exchange.
“Kick your shoes off, Maddie. We don’t stand on ceremony here.” She smiled at me. “In fact, if you weren’t coming tonight we’d probably be sitting on the floor watching television. Martha likes to picnic.”
“Martha, I think we’re going to get along perfectly.” I smiled at the little girl and she buried her face in her mother’s shoulder before peeking back up at me with big blue eyes while I took my shoes off and placed them near the door.
“Alex will be back soon. He had a call come in from home,” Samantha explained.
“Everything okay?” I was a bit jealous of the way Samantha said home. I didn’t really have one of those anymore. If I was being honest, I hadn’t had one in almost eight years. The White House didn’t feel like home. My dorm rooms hadn’t felt like home. All of those were temporary and the word home implied something permanent.
“Oh, yeah. You know how it goes. Little things no one else seems capable of handling and he can fix with a simple yes or no.” She looked at me over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. “Rules and etiquette. We have a fantastic staff, an amazing group of people, but some things just have to be approved by him.”
“And by you?” I teased.
“God yes. Why do they need me to okay every single piece of silverware? It’s a fork! You use it to put food in your mouth. Who the hell cares if it has a three leaf ivy pattern on the stem?”
“Who hell cares?” Martha held out her hands as if she just couldn’t fathom it.
Samantha’s face transformed into a mask of utter horror as she shook her head no. “That’s a grown-up word, Martha. You can’t say hell. Okay? Don’t say hell in front of dada. Don’t say hell at all.”
“Mama say hell alls time.” Martha cocked her head to the side and looked up at her mothe
r with a confused expression.
I coughed into my hand, unable to contain my amusement any longer.
“Don’t give me that look, you little monster! It doesn’t work on me.” She dug her fingers into her daughter’s side until the little girl squealed in happiness.
“I hear my favorite girls.” Alex’s voice sounded around the corner.
“Don’t say grown-up words.” Samantha held up a finger to her lips before turning and smiling at her approaching husband. “There you are!”
Alex leaned down to kiss his wife and daughter before holding his hand out to me. “So good of you to join us tonight.”
“Thank you for the invitation.” I smiled up at the prince.
“I believe the chef said we were having chicken nuggets and cheese noodles.” Alex made a serious face.
“Macaroni and cheese,” Samantha explained.
“I’ll skip the chicken nuggets but I’m down for some mac ’n’ cheese.”
“He’s teasing you.” Samantha handed her daughter over to her husband. “We’re having spinach lasagna roll-ups. Is that okay? We can do something else if you’d prefer.”
“That sounds delicious.” I looked at the happy couple.
“Good.” Alex transferred Martha to his back and ran-hopped his way out of the room. “Time to cook!”
“He’s cooking?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Amazing, right?” Samantha’s face took on a dreamy look. “He’s really good in the kitchen.”
“You, lucky, lucky woman.” I shook my head.
She threaded her arm through mine as we followed her little family. “So very much. Now, tell me why your guy isn’t with you.”
“He’s dealing with some things.” I chewed on my lip. I’d texted Jake about the dinner, but as usual never got a response.
“I saw the news about your friend.” Samantha squeezed my arm. “It’s hard to lose the people we care about.”
“Yes.” I looked at Samantha. “Everyone responds to it differently.”
“I suspect that Jake is letting his guilt eat at him.” Her tone was soft. “I’m not trying to intrude, but I like you. And I like Jake. It makes me sad to see you hurting.”
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