by E. K. Blair
You free Monday night? Frat house always throws a huge party after the first day of classes.
"What are you reading over there?" Roxy asks as she is steaming some milk for a customer's drink.
Looking up at her, I say, "I'm reading a text from Jack. He wants me to go to some party, and I'm not sure how to respond." I look back down at his text and stare.
After Roxy finishes up with her customer, she walks over to me. "What do you mean 'you don't know how to respond'? What's going on?"
I lift my arms off the counter and step away to face her. Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I say, "I need to distance myself from him. I think he wants more than I do. I mean, I don't want anything, so..."
"Just tell him you can't go. Or go, and tell him later that you just don't have time for a relationship right now," she says.
I pick up my phone to respond.
What time?
I walk over to pour myself a cup of coffee when I hear my phone chime.
"That was fast," I hear Roxy say.
"No kidding." Walking back to my phone, I set down my mug, and tap on his message.
Pick you up around 10?
Okay, I'll see you then.
Miss you.
"Shit," I mumble quietly and set the phone down, wanting to pretend I didn't see that last text.
"What are you 'shitting' about?"
I take a sip of my coffee and then toss Roxy my phone. Sitting on my stool, I watch her closely as she reads through the texts. I notice her eyes get big, and I know she finally reached the text that is starting to make me panic slightly.
"Okay, it's not that—"
"You know I don't do well with this stuff. I never make it to date number two and now this guy says he misses me." I feel my heartbeat start to quicken and, yes, that is definitely panic I am feeling. I don't deal with intimate relationships well at all. In fact, I'm pretty closed off emotionally with guys. I've never had any closeness with my parents, then the one guy I thought at least liked me in high school turned out to be just another asshole. I feel like I'm emotionally moronic.
I look up to see that Roxy is laughing at me. "It's not funny!"
"It actually is a little bit," she says. "Relax, don't respond. He probably won't even notice. Guys are stupid anyway."
I hope she's right. I hope he isn't sitting there waiting for me to text him back to say that I miss him too. I don't like opening myself up like that.
The next day, Kimber and I get ready for the cookout. I'm in the kitchen preparing the burgers for the grill, and Kimber is chopping up veggies for a salad. Jase has never bothered to introduce us to any guys in the past, so I know he must really like Mark. I don't know much about him aside from the fact that he plays guitar for a local band.
"Hey, Kim, has Jase ever talked to you about Mark before?" I ask as I pound out another hamburger patty.
"Not much. He was pretty pissed off at himself when they broke up, so I figured he had really cared for him but didn't realize it until they split." Kimber slides the salad in the fridge then opens a bag of chips to pour in a bowl.
"Hmm..."
"What?" Sheeyes me as she pops a chip in her mouth.
I walk to the sink to wash my hands. "Nothing." I shake my head. "Just curious."
"We're here," Jase calls out.
I walk into the living room and give him a hug.
"Mark, this is Candace," Jase says as I pull away.
I turn to Mark, "Hey! It's great to meet you. Come on in. We're in the kitchen getting the food ready," I say as I start walking towards the kitchen.
"Hey, Jase," Kimber says with a mouth full of chips.
Jase looks at Mark then back at Kimber. "And this crazy girl is Kimber."
"Nice you meet you guys," Mark says with a grin.
Mark is good looking with an athletic build similar to Jase's. He has dark brown hair and striking green eyes.
"Will one of you start the grill?" Kimber asks the guys.
"Yeah, I can do that," Mark says, and Kimber leads him out back.
Jase and I grab the food and head out behind them. We are lucky to have a large backyard with a nice patio that is covered with a pretty white pergola. We have a table that seats six and off to the side, several chairs that circle around a fire pit. There is a small bar area with a built in grill that we only used when there were guys over to start it up.
Most students our age live in smaller houses or apartments, but Kimber's parents own this house. They bought it when they were having the house built that they live in now.
"This is a nice place you have," Mark says.
Kimber flops down in a chair. "I suppose," she says with a sigh.
I roll my eyes at her and look at Mark, "Please, just ignore her dramatics."
Kimber looks at me and laughs.
"Hey Jase, will you run inside and grab the case of beer that's in the fridge and bring it out? There's a cooler next to the door that already has ice in it," I say.
"Sure," he says and he walks inside the house.
I walk over to Mark who is standing next to the grill and hand him the plate of burgers. "So, Mark, are you in college too?" I ask
He grabs the plate from me and starts placing each patty on the grill. "Yeah, I'll be graduating after this year." He closes the lid and we both sit down as Jase walks over and hands us all beers.
"Same here," I say. "What are you studying?"
Mark takes a swig of his beer, "Same as Jase: Architecture." Looking over at Jase, he adds, "That's how we know each other."
We continue getting to know Mark and having good conversation. I really like him and we corner off for the majority of the night, talking and laughing, while Kimber and Jase drink and talk about who knows what. It's nice to have a relaxing evening with friends.
After cleaning up, it was starting to get late, and we decide to call it a night. I have an early class in the morning, so I need to hit the sack.
"It was so good to meet you, Mark," I say as I walk him to the front door.
"Same here," he responds.
I lean over and give him a hug, "You're welcome anytime, and you don't need Jase with you to stop by."
"Thanks," he says.
Kimber and I say our good-byes to the boys and they head out. Walking to their car, Mark holds Jase's hand and leans in to kiss him on the neck. When I close the door, I look at Kimber. "I love seeing Jase like that," I say.
"Like what?" she asks.
"Happy and comfortable," I say as I lean against the door.
Smiling at me, Kimber says, "Me too. He told me about his trip home."
"Sucks, huh?" I say as I push myself off the door and start walking towards the back of the house to our rooms.
"Yeah," she says and she follows me. "I love you, Candace."
I turn to her, surprised by the affection behind her words.
"I know I tease you a lot, but I just wanted to say it so you know," she says.
"I love you too, Kim," I say as I wrap my arms around her tightly. Kim and Jase are like family to me. They both love me and support me the way family should.
We pull apart and head to our separate rooms.
"Good night," I say.
"Night, hooker."
I shake my head and laugh as I close the door behind me.
So far my classes have been uneventful. It's the first week, so I don't expect much until at least next week. I just left my Methodologies class and I'm on my way to the studio for my Ballet Technique class. When I walk through the double doors, I am greeted by a few of the girls.
The dance program here at the University of Washington isn't huge. You're in classes with the same people every quarter. I've been with these girls for three years, and even though we all see each other every day, I don't hang out with any of them outside of classes and studio. Everyone is pretty competitive, so I prefer to keep it strictly professional and not mingle outside of school.
This year will be exceptionally competitive because of
our senior capstone, which is a self-choreographed solo. Only two solos will be selected to perform during the final production at the end of the year. It's an important performance for graduating seniors because there will be lots of agencies in attendance. Getting a solo can mean having a job after graduation.
Everyone is scattered around the studio, taping up their toes, banging new pointes on the floor to break in the box, stretching, and a few are even quietly chatting. I keep to myself and start taping my toes. The past three years that I've spent here have been good. I tend to get lead placements in dances, standout solos, and duets with the male dancers. We combine with the guys on Tuesdays and Thursdays for an extra hour on top of our normal two-hour class.
I look up and see Andrea Emerson walk in. She's our instructor for all technique classes, and she is hardcore. She has no patience for inconsistency and expects perfection. She's tough, but she's the best. I feel a little nervous upon seeing her, even though I put in studio time at least three days a week over the summer. If you are off your game, she will let you and everyone else know it.
Ms. Emerson is a seasoned dancer who has made a decent name for herself throughout her career. Although she is in her fifties, she can still dance like the pros. She has an intimidating look about her. She always wears her long blonde hair up in a tight bun with a black leotard, white tights, and a sheer black wrap skirt. She always has a stoic look, and in three years, I have yet to see her break a smile.
She claps her hands twice, and everybody goes in search for their place on the barre. We all look the same with our hair secured in buns on the tops of our heads, black leotards, white tights, and our pale pink pointes. The classical music of a piano comes through the speakers and fills the room. I place my left hand softly on the barre and wait for the signal to begin our exercises.
The routine never changes. I've been doing these exercises since I was eleven and was in my very first ballet class. It was my mother who first signed me up for ballet. She never imagined that I would want to make a career out of it, but I have always loved dance. The freedom you can find within the strict boundaries of technique makes me feel alive. I am happiest when I am dancing.
I work gracefully through the ninety-minute routine, and when we come to an end, Ms. Emerson calls for us to gather in the front of the room. She begins to talk about our solos for the year.
"Things will be different this year. Instead of you choosing your piece of music, you will be drawing it out of this basket. There is a different piece on each CD. You will randomly choose your CD and that will be the song that you will use to choreograph your final routine. Don't forget ladies, this could be the beginning of your career, and for some of you, the end," she says.
I slowly make my way up to the large, weathered black wicker basket. I look down at the pile of discs that have the potential to launch me forward or drown me. Picking the wrong song could be disastrous. I close my eyes and pull out a CD, all the while praying to the dance gods to bless me with the perfect piece of music. I stare at the blank disc as I make my way over to my dance bag that is lying on the floor. I sit down, shove it in my bag, and start to remove my pointes.
I walk out in the warm August afternoon and slide into my white Infinity coupe, setting my bag on the passenger seat. I take out the disc and push it into the CD player, turn up the volume, and hit play. I close my eyes as I wait for the music to start. I can barely hear the strings of a violin at first. They slowly and quietly begin to build with the low, deep hum of a cello followed by a dark, melodic piano. I recognize the piece as Clint Mansell's 'Lux Aeterna'.
This is an extremely dark piece of music. My stomach hollows and I feel anxious. I have never danced to, yet alone choreographed, anything this dark. I was hoping for something feminine and delicate, not this. All I can picture is Natalie Portman's psychotic character in 'Black Swan' as she bleeds out on stage. When the song comes to an end, I turn off the stereo and drive home in welcome silence.
I don't want to think about what I just heard. Instead, I try to focus on clothes. Yes, clothes. Think about clothes, Candace. Sorting through my closet in my head, I try to think about what I'm going to wear to the party tonight. It doesn't take long for my mind to fill with dread when I think about being honest with Jack and letting him know that I'm not looking for anything with him. And based on the music I just heard, my year is fucked. I am going to be living and breathing dance if I'm expected to choreograph a masterpiece to that song.
I wake up from my nap, and even though I took a shower when I got home after dance class, I decide to hop in for another. The bathroom fills with steam, and I open the glass door to the shower. I try to calm my nerves as I focus on the water beating against my back, but I don't think anything will take away these butterflies in my stomach. I give up on the shower and step out. I wrap a towel around me and see Jase fiddling around on my computer when I walk into my bedroom.
"What are you doing?" I ask while I walk over to my dresser and open the top drawer.
Staring at the screen, he says, "Nothing really, just messing around. I just finished my last class and thought I'd come chill with you."
I pull on my underwear and start to slip on my bra when he turns to look at me.
"You going somewhere?" he asks.
"Yeah, there's a party at Jack's fraternity tonight, and he asked me to go."
Jase leans back in the chair and sarcastically says, "You sound thrilled."
Grabbing my hair dryer, I look back at him. "It's just...I'm not into him aside from kissing. We have nothing in common, and I feel nothing towards him."
Jase grins at me.
"This should not be a surprise to you, Jase," I say.
"Nope, no surprise at all. Typical Candace, devoid of all things emotional. Well, except for me." He gives me a big smile then turns back around to the computer, and I flick on the hair dryer.
I see the lights of Jack's car pierce through the large windows in the living room. I grab my purse and yell at Kimber from across the house. "Jack is here. I'll see you later."
"Bye, sweetie, and good luck," she hollers back.
By the time I open the front door, Jack is already walking up to the house.
"Hey," he says, reaching out his hand for me to take.
Holding hands while walking to his car feels weird to me. I know it probably shouldn't since the last time I saw him I had my legs spread across his lap, but I guess it was the fact that I knew I was going to end things tonight. I feel like I'm being deceitful by holding his hand.
He opens my door and I slide into the car. When Jack gets in, he leans over to give me a kiss. I make sure to keep the kiss short. The silence is a little awkward as we drive to his fraternity house. I stare out the window and watch the streetlights pass.
"Is everything okay?" he asks.
I turn my head to look at him and say, "Uh huh. I'm just a little tired, that's all. I had three classes today plus my studio." With my head lazily leaning against the headrest, I continue to stare at Jack. I think about Jase's words back at the house: Typical Candace, devoid of all things emotional. Do I purposely avoid relationships or is it simply because I just haven't met the right person yet? Maybe I should try and give Jack a chance. Maybe that's it. I never see a guy long enough to give him a chance. Maybe if I gave him time, I might wind up really liking him.
I snap out of my thoughts when I feel Jack's hand run up my thigh. He cocks his head to the side and gives me a little smirk. I smile in return.
"You're beautiful when you smile," he says and then returns his gaze to the road ahead.
I don't say anything. I simply sit there with my head resting on the seat.
I can already hear the music as we pull up to the house. Jack pulls around to a small parking lot behind the house. We get out of the car, and the muffled music and voices become clearer the closer we get. Jack opens the door and there are throngs of people everywhere. It's a two-story house and the stairs are covered with students
who already seem to be drunk. Everyone is shouting over the loud music to make themselves heard. Jack's warm hand grabs mine, and he gives it a squeeze as he leads me back to the kitchen where he is greeted by a bunch guys that are slapping him on the back and grabbing his hand the way guys do. He doesn't introduce me, which is fine; I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable. I look around and watch a group of girls that are sitting at a table playing some sort of drinking game with a few guys. The rest of the room is filled with people talking and laughing loudly. Everyone is drinking and having a good time.
"Want a beer?" Jack asks.
"Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks." Jack walks away to fetch our drinks, and I'm left alone. I lean back against the center island and continue to watch the drunken girls as they giggle and act stupid. Looking at them, I'm starting to feel underdressed. Most of the girls here are wearing little skirts and dresses with nice heels. I feel a little awkward in my black retro Vans tank top, worn tattered jeans, and a pair of black Chucks. I tried dressing it up a little by adding a fitted red and black flannel that I left unbuttoned, with a vintage gold necklace. But these girls look like they have a particular goal in mind for the night.
Jack returns with our drinks, and I take a long, slow drink. Wrapping his arm around my waist, he moves to stand in front of me. When he leans in and kisses me below my ear, I quickly move my head back.
"What's wrong with you tonight?" he snaps with his eyebrows knitted together.
I try and lessen the tension as I smile and say, "Nothing, I'm just a little uncomfortable, that's all."
Jack sets his beer down and places each hand on the countertop on both sides of me, locking me in. "Relax," he says in a soft voice.
But I can't. He backs away, takes my free hand, and walks us out to the main room where people are dancing and hanging out.
"I'll introduce you to a few people," he shouts over at me.
We walk over to a group of people and Jack introduces me. There are a couple girls that I have seen around campus, and we are able to strike up a light conversation. I'm not sure how much time has passed, but my head is starting to hurt from all the loud music. The girls suggest we go hang out outside. I let Jack know, and I leave him there with his buddies while I head outside with the two girls. We find a few chairs and sit down. They are carrying on a conversation while I rest my head back and close my eyes. I am somehow able to drown out the noise and focus on the light breeze that's sweeping across my face.