by E. K. Blair
"Nothing will happen unless you want to press charges."
"I don't," I immediately say. God, I don't want anyone to know about this.
The door slowly opens, and Allie pops her head in as she quietly says, "Jase is here. Would you like me to send him in?"
"Does he know?" I ask. "Did you tell him?"
Stepping in, she closes the door behind her. She walks over and sits down on a chair that's next to me.
"No. All he knows is that you were brought here by ambulance," she says softly.
"I don't know what to say." I look at Allie with a pleading expression on my face. There is no way I can tell Jase. I mean...I want him to know, I just don't want to be the one who tells him.
Nodding her head, she says, "It's okay. We will help you. Would you like me to bring him in?"
"Can you talk to him? Alone?" I ask. I don't want to hear what she is going to say, and I definitely do not want to see his reaction when she tells him.
"If you want me to, I will. How much do you want me to tell him?"
"Everything," I say softly.
"Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes." Allie stands up and makes her way out of the exam room.
I let out a sigh, and Julia continues asking questions about what happened. I don't tell her Jack's name, but I go ahead and tell her everything that happened tonight, starting from my house. She asks me to go into detail about the attack. She wants to know every part of my body that was touched, all the places his saliva could possibly be, and the questions seem to go on forever.
I look up when the door opens again, and Jase is there. I fall apart when I see the horrified expression on his face, and he rushes over to me and wraps my head in his arms. He keeps kissing the top of my head and repeating that he loves me as sobs wrack through my body. I slowly start to calm down, and the tears begin to subside. Jase sits down and looks at Julia.
"So, what's going on? Is she okay?" he asks her while holding my hand.
"We have just completed the written account of the assault." She looks at me and continues, "The next step, if you choose, is to complete a physical exam to collect evidence. We can do this whether you choose to press charges or not."
I look at Jase and shake my head, not knowing what to do.
Jase looks back at her and asks, "What's the exam?"
The nurse picks up the same white cardboard box that I saw her walk in with. "This is the rape kit. There are sixteen different pieces of evidence we collect. You are in total control of the exam. You say 'stop,' we stop. I will explain each step as we go so you know exactly what to expect."
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"It can take around four to six hours."
"What?! No," I say to her. I look back at Jase with wide eyes and sternly repeat, "No."
"Candace, I really think you should do it. I get that you're scared right now, but maybe in a few days you might feel differently about this." He turns and asks Julia, "If she does this exam, then what?"
"If she decides to press charges, we will hand over the kit to the police. If not, we keep the kit here. If she changes her mind about prosecuting, then at that time, we will hand the kit over to the criminal lab."
Jase squeezes my hand, "I'm right here. I think you should do this, sweetie." I have never seen this look on Jase before. I know he loves me, and I can trust him. I nod my head, and I fight back the tears that are threatening to spill over.
"Since the doctor has ordered a CT scan and x-rays, we will need to wait until after those tests are run. When you get back, we will begin the exam." She gives me a concerned look as she continues, "I want to let you know what to expect when you are taken for those tests. The nurses and techs will refrain from touching you as much as possible. I want you to try and stay calm and still. They will move you to and from this gurney by lifting the sheet that is underneath you. Okay?"
Nodding my head, I respond, "Okay."
"The scans shouldn't take that long, but your friend will have to stay here."
I look up at Jase before looking back at Julia, and ask, "He can't come with me?"
Shaking her head gently, she says, "No, I'm sorry."
Jase assures me that it will be okay, and all I can do is trust him. But I'm scared to be alone, even if it is for a little while. Feeling like I have lost control is making me very upset, when Dr. Langston returns to tell me they are ready to take me back.
When I am wheeled back into the exam room, both Julia and Jase are there waiting for me.
"You okay?" Jase asks as he comes to stand next to me.
"Yeah."
Julia picks up the white box and opens it, pulling out several white envelopes and lays them down on one of the stainless steel carts that are in the room. "We are going to start by collecting your clothes, okay?"
"Okay."
She walks to the private bathroom, and when she comes out she says, "Candace, I need for you to carefully remove all of your clothing, including your jewelry. I have laid down a large sheet of paper that is there to collect any evidence that may fall off of your clothes or body. Just stand on the paper while you undress, hand me each article of clothing as you remove it, and I will place each piece in a separate evidence bag. There is a hospital gown hanging on the door that you can change into."
"Do you want me to leave?" Jase asks.
I grab onto his arm tightly, "No. I don't want to be alone."
Jase nods and helps me off of the bed. I clutch onto the wool blanket that is still covering me, and I walk into the bathroom. I hand the blanket to Julia and step onto the paper that is lying on the floor. I look down at my body and start to cry. My shirt and bra are ripped and hanging off my shoulders. I quickly notice that I am bare from the waist down.
I jerk around and frantically ask, "What happened to my pants?"
"The EMTs collected them. We already have them."
I nod and look up at Jase as my body trembles.
"It's okay," he reassures me.
I slowly remove my tattered clothing and hand each piece to the nurse. The paper beneath my feet crumples with every movement as if it's taunting me as a continuous reminder of the misery I feel. The last item I remove is my necklace, and I watch as it is placed inside a ziplock evidence bag. When I turn to pick up the hospital gown, I catch my reflection in the mirror. My body freezes as I observe the face staring back at me.
My left eye is bruised and swollen and the whole side of my face is scratched and covered in dried blood and dirt. My eyes are bloodshot and puffy from all the crying. I hardly recognize myself. I turn away from my image in the reflection, slip on the hospital gown, and step off of the paper.
I walk straight into Jase's arms, and I let him hold me for a while as I hear Julia moving around the room. Jase rests his chin on the top of my head and runs his hands up and down my back. My arms are clutched tightly around his waist as I bury my face in his chest.
"Candace," I hear Julia say softly, "whenever you are ready, I need you to have a seat on the exam table behind the curtain."
I slowly pull away from Jase and lean the top of my head against him as I stare down at my bare feet. I realize I have no clothes here, and I look up at Jase and say, "I don't have anything to wear."
"When the nurse called me, she told me to bring clothes with me. They are in my backpack," he says.
I walk across the room and sit on the exam table, never letting go of Jase's hand. I go into a haze when the nurse begins to explain each procedure. I just nod my head as I feel cold metal digging under my finger nails; I don't watch anything in particular because I don't want to see what's happening. Everything feels like it's miles away from me. She begins swabbing my neck, my ears, my mouth, my breasts, my thighs.
When I lie back on the table, she begins to take samples. My body is being poked and prodded—everywhere. Turning my head, I begin to zone in on a tiny piece of thread that is beginning to unravel from Jase's shirt. I focus in on the tiny little holes that the threa
d used to occupy that are now hollowed.
I suddenly become very cold. My knees begin to quiver, and my heart is pounding. I look down and over my knees. I see Julia's lips moving as she is talking to me, but I can't seem to focus in on her voice. I watch as she opens yet another white envelope and pulls out a small black plastic comb. Jerking my feet out of the stir-ups, I clumsily shuffle myself back on the table and sit up. Pure panic. That is all I can feel. Panic.
"Enough!" I shout. I feel like I am losing control of myself, and I desperately want everything around me to stop. "Get out!" I yell at Julia as she looks at me in shock. I can almost taste the venom in my voice. "Stop touching me, and get the hell out!"
"Candace. Calm down, sweetie," Jase says. His eyes are wide, and I can tell he is freaked out.
"I'll be right outside," the nurse says, and she quickly places the sealed envelopes in the box and leaves the room.
I draw my knees up to my chest. "I want to go home."
"What happened?"
"I want my clothes, Jase," I say as I look him straight on.
He doesn't say a word; he simply walks over to his backpack that is lying on the ground next to the chair. When he picks it up, I see the door crack open.
"Candace, Detective Patterson needs to ask you a few questions," Allie says. "Can I send him in?"
"Can she at least get dressed first?" Jase answers for me.
"Of course," she says, and she gently closes the door behind her.
Jase walks over to me and sets the bag in front of me. Grabbing it, I walk into the bathroom. I pick up a hand towel that is folded up on the cold sterile counter and turn on the faucet. I soak the towel in warm water and begin to clean my face. I suck in a tight breath between my teeth at the stinging of the opened flesh on my face. I do my best to wipe the grime off. Taking a new towel, I pat my face dry. I slip off my gown and start putting on my bra and underwear. When I finish dressing, I walk back into the room, and Jase is standing next to some guy. He appears to be around my father's age. He is tall and fit with short greying hair. He's wearing charcoal slacks and a navy button up dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up toward his elbows. I notice a shiny gold badge that is clipped to the waistband of his pants. He looks up at me and takes a step forward.
"Ms. Parker," he says. "I'm Detective Patterson. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?"
Shaking my head slightly, I ask, "Right now?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"I've already told the nurse everything. Why can't you just ask her?" I am so exhausted and am starting to lose my patience. I just want to leave. "Look, I don't want to press charges or anything like that, so..."
"Ma'am, I know this is difficult, but there's a good chance we can catch this guy and the fact that we have a witness--"
"What?" I interrupt him.
"Yes, they called the police."
My mind is in overdrive, and I feel myself shutting down. "I just want to go," I say, barely whispering.
"Well, if you change your mind, here is my card. You can call me at anytime, okay? You might find that you feel differently once a little time has passed." He steps towards me, pulls out a card from his back pocket, and hands it to me. I don't even look at it before shoving it into my pocket. He takes a step back and nods his head, "Well, thanks for your time." He turns to look at Jase and reaches out his hand. Jase shakes his hand and gives him a nod in return.
As Detective Patterson is leaving, Allie comes back with a tray of bandages, ointment, and other small items I can't quite identify.
"I'm just going to clean up and bandage these cuts for you, okay?"
I silently nod my head and return to the table to sit down. I watch her as she washes her hands and puts on a pair of sterile latex gloves. She starts cleaning my wounds and covers them up. Once she is finished, she asks me if I want to take the morning after pill. My eyes dart to hers as I quickly try to think if I really need it. I feel my stomach hollow out, and I suddenly turn cold. He didn't use a condom. Christ, he didn't use a condom.
I whisper softly, "I think so." I can hardly move, let alone speak.
I hear Jase mutter an obscenity, and when I turn my head to look at him, he is sitting in the chair with his head in his hands.
"Okay, I will put in the order for that, and we can also take a few other preventive steps to safeguard against STDs," she says as she lays her hand on my knee. She gives me a reassuring look, and all I can do is continue to nod my head like an idiot.
About an hour later, Jase has his arm around my waist as we leave the hospital and head to his SUV. He unlocks the car and opens the door for me. He helps me up into the seat and shuts the door. I watch him in a daze as he walks around the front of the car and climbs into the driver's seat. I start to feel the anxiety build in my stomach at the thought of going home. I know when I get there I'm going to have to explain all of this to Kimber. God, I don't want anyone to know. I just want to pretend like this never happened. I want to hide from this nightmare.
"Can I spend the night at your place?" I ask as I stare at my fidgeting hands in my lap.
He reaches over, takes my hand, and gives it a squeeze. "Of course."
I walk into Jase's apartment, and without a second thought, head straight toward the bathroom. I feel completely filthy, and the urge to scrub every inch of my body overwhelms me. I don't say a word to Jase as I close the door behind me. Reaching into the shower, I turn on the water. Purposely avoiding looking at myself in the mirror, I start removing my clothes. The bathroom quickly fills with steam. I open the large glass door and step into the scalding hot water. Standing underneath the showerhead, I let the water pelt against my body. I brace both of my hands against the wall of slick tile and let my head fall down. My face is hot, and I know I'm crying even though I can't feel my tears as they mesh with the water running down my face.
Time is frozen as I stand here in this position. My chest aches, and my whole body feels broken. My stomach burns, and I swear to God I can start to feel my soul begin to break. Piece by piece I begin to lose myself. My chest is crumbling into painful shards of what used to be me. Violent sobs wrack my body, and I slowly collapse on the wet tile beneath me. Sitting there on my knees, with one hand on the floor balancing myself, and the other pressed against my chest, I try desperately to gasp in breaths between my wails.
I know I am no longer alone when I feel arms wrapping around me and a heavy chest on my back. Jase holds me tighter than anyone has ever held me, and I begin to cry harder. I sit here, on the bottom of the shower, and everything I know about myself, everything I love, everything I am begins to fade.
My tears run dry, and Jase and I sit in silence under the water. He loosens his hold on me, and I continue to rest on my knees—frozen. Jase takes the body wash and starts to rub it into my skin. All of my energy has disappeared, so I don't protest; I just let him take care of me.
After he washes my hair, I open my eyes and look at him for the first time. He is soaking wet in his gym shorts and t-shirt. He turns the water off and strips out of his clothes, leaving them on the floor of the shower as he steps out. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he grabs another and drapes it over my shoulders as he helps me stand up. He walks me over to the toilet and sits me down.
"I'll be right back," he says as he walks out of the bathroom. When he returns, he is wearing a pair of dry gym shorts and is carrying a handful of clothes for me. Grabbing a hand towel, he kneels down in front of me and starts wiping my face. I look into his eyes, and I can see the worry in them. I reach up and rake my fingers through the wet hair on top of his head and grip tightly as I drop my head and begin to cry again.
"I'm so sorry," I manage to say through my tears.
He takes my hand from his head and kisses it. Leaning his forehead against mine and holding my face between his two hands, he says, "You...don't you ever be sorry for this."
We sit like this for a while before he dries me off and helps me put on one of his shirts and a pa
ir of his boxers. We walk to his room and slide into bed. Wrapping me in his arms, I lay my head on his chest and listen to the rhythmic sound of his heartbeat. I release a silent prayer that when I wake up, this will have never happened—it will have only been a horrendous nightmare. I hold on tightly to that prayer as my eyelids become heavy, and I slowly drift into a restless sleep.
I jolt awake and can hardly catch my breath. My hands are shaking, and when I look up, I see Jase on his knees next to me.
"Are you okay?" he asks, looking completely freaked out.
"I don't know," I say. I'm really confused, and my heart is pounding. "What happened?"
Jase lets out a deep breath as he falls back on his heels, sitting next to me. "You were having a nightmare. You scared the shit out of me, screaming and thrashing around."
"I'm sorry. I don't even know what I was dreaming about," I say as a slowly lie down on my side and try to calm my erratic breathing.
Lying down facing me, Jase asks, "How are you feeling?"
"Numb," I answer and close my eyes. Maybe I cried out all the emotions I had, because I can't seem to feel much right now. When I open my eyes, Jase is staring at me with concern written all over his face. I really wish he wouldn't look at me like that; it makes me feel weird, like I'm suddenly different now. I know that I am, but can we just pretend that I'm not?
"What time is it?" I ask.
He rolls on his back, reaches over to his nightstand, and swipes his phone. "It's almost three in the afternoon," he says as he rolls back to me.
"Three?"
"Yeah, we didn't even leave the hospital till after five this morning," he says, and then reaches his arms out as a request to hold me. I scoot over and allow the embrace. He kisses the top of my head before asking, "Do you want to talk about it?"
I haven't spoken one word to Jase about what happened last night. I'm not sure I can. But I know that I don't want to. I swallow hard against the lump in my throat and simply shake my head. How am I supposed to talk about it? What do I even say?