by E. K. Blair
"I don't really know."
"You like him, right?"
I look at her as I steam some milk for a customer's latte and she prompts me, "Right?"
Snapping the lid on the cup, I walk over and hand it to the girl who's waiting on the other side of the counter. Roxy steps next to me as she hands a drink to another customer. We walk back over to the machines and I finally admit, "I do."
When she looks at me, I clarify, "Like him. I do."
A sincere smile slowly creeps across her face and I become embarrassed. "Stop!"
"Oh, come on Candace! Give me a break here. I've known you for almost three years and you have never shown an interest in anyone. Let me enjoy this."
"You're embarrassing me."
"Sweetie, everything embarrasses you. Get over it," she says with a sincere smirk.
As we continue to fill drink orders, Roxy begins asking a multitude of questions, all of which I avoid answering. When the last drink is made and the shop calms down, we both take a seat and relax from the Monday morning rush.
"Well, even though you won't tell me anything, I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. Now will you stop?" I tease.
"For the time being, I'll stop," she says with a grin.
My phone chimes from under the counter. When I retrieve it, I see I have a missed text from Ryan.
Your photo from yesterday is almost finished. Touching up the lighting.
Getting off work in 30 min. Can I stop by?
Yeah.
"Ryan?" Roxy pries.
"Didn't you just say you would stop?"
Laughing, she teases me again. "So secretive."
"I'm going to the back to refill the syrup bottles. Yell for me if it gets busy."
"Yeah, yeah," she says as she waves me away.
It's nice to be able to joke around with Roxy again. The tension has definitely lightened in the past few weeks, and I know the reason for that is waiting for me at his loft right now.
I can't contain my smile when I think about us in his bed yesterday. The way my skin tingles when he kisses me, the way I soften when he holds me, the fluttering I feel when he whispers his words to me. Even though it's all so new, it's also so comforting.
I could tell he was disappointed when I didn't spend the night with him, but he understands that I don't feel comfortable being there every night. Although I love being with him, I'm still scared about moving forward.
When the bottles are refilled, I walk back into the store and put them back on the shelf. I start to gather my things and clock out.
As I'm walking out the door, Roxy can't help herself when she says loudly, "Tell your hot-ass boyfriend I said 'hi.'"
I roll my eyes at her as I open the door to leave.
Leaning against Ryan's desk, he hands me the large matte, and I cannot believe how well the photo turned out. Everything is black except for the curve of the back—my back—which is a striking muted grey with a shadow cast along the spine—my spine.
I stand there, staring at the photo, every detail of the photo. When I do look up, Ryan is focused on me with a grin on his face.
"What?" I ask.
"You."
"Me?"
Stepping in front of me, he takes the matte out of my hands and places it on the desk behind me. He slides his arms around my waist and pulls me into him and says, "You're fucking amazing," and kisses me with an intensity I haven't felt from him before. I let myself fall into him as his lips tangle with mine. When he dips his tongue in my mouth, I can taste the coolness that is left over from the mints he's addicted to. I feel so connected to him right now, and I never want to lose this feeling. So, when he breaks our kiss, I can't help the moan that creeps past my lips.
He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against mine, and I can hear his heavy breaths. Placing my hands on his face, I move in to selfishly kiss him, to feel the warmth of his touch on me. Gripping my waist, he lifts me onto his desk as he stands between my legs. Holding the back of my head, he intensifies our kiss, and I let him take more control than I have in the past.
When his shoulders tense up under my hands, he pulls away. I know it's hard for him to stop himself when we are together like this.
"Do you know how hard it was to concentrate on touching up that photo of you?
As I shake my head, he tells me, "You're so fucking beautiful."
I believe him when he says those words to me. I might not feel that way in a day from now, or even an hour from now. But right now, in this moment—I believe him.
After studio ends, Ms. Emerson asks me to stay so that she can watch how my solo is progressing. Last time I rehearsed with her, it was a disaster. I'm beginning to feel the power of the piece when I dance. I know she wants me to focus on myself when I hear the music, but I just can't go to that place yet. Instead, I think about Ryan and everything he's told me about growing up and the violence in his house. It's been enough to help me better connect with the piece.
"Okay, Candace. Are you ready?" she asks as she grabs the remote to the stereo and takes her place at the front of the room.
"Yes." I walk to the center and place my feet in fifth position, waiting for the music to begin. When the strings begin to echo through the speakers, I slowly relevè on my pointes and begin my series of chainès across the floor. The low hum of the cello vibrates within my chest as I work through the movements. My heart thumps harder with the staccato brushes of the violins, and I'm spot on when I turn into my fouettè sequence. I flow through the progressions and the twinge in my stomach courses through my body as the music slowly fades into nothingness.
The room is quiet except for the breaths flowing in and out of my lungs. When I look over at Ms. Emerson, she's walking toward me. Standing in front of me, she says without any inflection in her voice, "That's better."
She says nothing else, and turns to walk out of the room. When the door closes behind her, I let out a puff of breath and allow myself the relief of a huge smile. Replaying her words, those two simple words, in my head, I spend the next hour dancing and feeling. Even though I am feeling someone else's pain, I'm still feeling.
When I leave the studio and get into my car, I decide to stop by the loft and surprise Ryan before he has to go into work for the night.
"Hey, babe!" Ryan says when he opens the door. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see you before you left for work."
Picking me up in his arms, I laugh before he kisses me.
"I've missed you this week," he says as he sets me back down.
"Sorry. Auditions are in a few weeks, and then I won't be living in the studio."
"Candace!"
Leaning over to look around Ryan, I see Gavin walking over.
"Hey, Gavin. What are you doing here?"
"Just stopped by to bullshit with Ryan."
I look back at Ryan and say, "I'm sorry, I should have called before stopping by."
Gavin grabs my hand and pulls me inside. "Wanna beer?"
"Um, no."
Walking past me, Ryan says, "I'll get you a water."
"Thanks." I love that he knows exactly what I need without having to ask.
Gavin and I sit down in front of the TV where they have been watching SportsCenter.
Pointing the neck of his beer bottle to my head, he jokes, "What's with the hair, grandma?"
"Don't be a dick," Ryan says as he hands me a bottle of water and sits down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
I shake my head at their banter and unscrew the lid to my water. "I was in the dance studio all day," I say and then take a long drink of water.
"How'd that go?" Ryan asks. He knows I've been having a lot of bad studios and rehearsals lately.
"It actually went pretty well. My instructor complimented me on my solo."
"Really? That's great, babe."
"Well, actually all she said was 'that's better' but coming from her, that's huge."
"You coming out with us tonight?" Gavi
n asks me.
"Umm," I say, turning my attention to Ryan, wondering what Gavin's talking about.
"Gavin's just coming by the bar tonight with some friends, that's all."
"Oh," I say and turn my attention back to Gavin. "No, I've got plans."
I feel left out of Ryan's life with his friends. I know it's my own doing, so I try to not let it affect me. I know it's just me being over-sensitive, but I can't help the feeling of being left out.
"What are you doing?" Ryan asks.
"I'm going to Jase's to hang out. We haven't had a lot of time to see each other lately."
"Come with me to my office before you go," he says as he stands up and takes my hand.
"If you guys are gonna fuck, I'm out," Gavin says.
"Dude!" Ryan snaps at him.
Shrugging his shoulders, he says, "What? It wouldn't be the first time."
I look at him in disbelief when he says, "Just sayin'," as he leans back on the couch and turns up the TV.
Ryan starts leading me to his office, and when he closes the door, he turns around, placing his hands on the door, caging me in.
"Sorry about that. The guy has no filter."
The fact that he isn't denying what Gavin said is making my stomach turn. I want to run out of here, get some space, but I know he won't let me do that. I can't even look at him right now, so I keep my eyes focused on a stack of papers lying on his desk.
"Candace," he says quietly, and I turn my head and look to the floor.
He drops his head and sighs, "I'm sorry."
"Did you really do that?"
Our eyes meet when he looks up and by the look written all over his face and his creased forehead, I can tell he's ashamed to answer me.
He nods his head and says, "Yes."
I feel sick, and I look back down, not knowing what to say. Even though he didn't know me back then, it still hurts. It hurts to know that he has shared something so intimate with those girls. An intimacy that we don't share.
Tears begin to flood my eyes, and I look at him when I ask, "Is that what you want?"
He gently takes my face in his hands, and when I blink, I can feel the heat of my tears rolling down my cheeks.
"No. I was miserable then. None of them ever gave me what you give me."
"That's the problem, though. I can't give you what they could."
"You give me everything." Taking his thumbs, he wipes the tears from under my eyes. "You have more of me than any of them ever had. And when you're ready to move forward, I can promise you that it won't be like what I had with them. It was just empty with them."
He leans his forehead against mine and even though I feel upset about the way Ryan was before he met me, I'm also upset for me, that I can't give him what I want to. I can see the pain and regret in his face.
"I shouldn't be upset. I didn't know you then."
"You have every right to be upset."
Not wanting to drag this out, I wrap my hand behind his neck, draw his head to mine, and kiss him. I don't want to think about it anymore; I just want to have peace with Ryan.
"I've missed you," he mumbles over my lips, and when he does, I pull him closer to me and cover his mouth with mine. "Stay with me tonight?"
Parting our lips from each other, I whisper, "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I promised Jase I'd stay with him."
Ryan lets out a deep sigh, hanging his head down, and I know he's frustrated, but I don't ask. I haven't spent the night with him since last Sunday, and I'm sure it's bothering him.
"You have to work anyway," I say.
"I want you in my bed when I get home."
I release my hands from his neck and look down, feeling guilty, that I'm not giving him the closeness that he wants. I know he'd prefer moving this a lot faster than we are, but I feel like I'm pushing myself as it is.
"Ryan..." I whisper.
"I know," he says as he leans his forehead against mine.
I know he doesn't really understand my feelings of apprehension, and it hurts me that he's feeling this way because of me.
I cup his cheeks and pull up on my toes, pressing my lips into his, and when I do, he holds my head in his hands as well. We hold the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away.
"I should go."
"I'll walk you out."
We walk through the house and Gavin looks up and asks, "You heading out already?"
"Yeah, I gotta go."
"Good seeing you again."
I smile and turn toward the door with Ryan and say goodbye.
"Ryan's frustrated with me."
"What makes you say that?" Jase asks while chopping up the peppers for the stir-fry he's making.
"I just get the feeling that he is. I mean, we've been together for a few months and haven't done anything more than kiss. He has to be getting annoyed with me."
"But he hasn't said anything?"
"No, I don't think he would though."
"Do you trust him?"
Taking a sip of my wine and setting down the glass, I say, "Yeah, but I'm scared he's going to compare me. I mean, how could he not? It's only natural, right?"
"No, it's not. It's not like that. You're someone new to him, and he clearly loves you. He would be a total ass to compare you."
I widen my eyes when he says that Ryan loves me, and he catches the look on my face when he sets down the knife and questions me, "What?"
"God, Jase, you think he loves me?"
"Candace, have you seen the way he looks at you? Yes, the guy loves you." He scoops up the peppers and onions and dumps them into the hot skillet, shaking it around and flipping the vegetables. When he turns back around, he laughs. "Why do you look so surprised?"
"Because, I just...I mean..."
"Do you love him?"
"Jase!"
"Seriously. Do you?"
"At times when we are together I feel like I do. I mean...I think I do. Honestly, I am overwhelmed most of the time. But I'm scared. All I know is that I have never felt this way about anyone else."
"What are you so scared of?"
"Everything."
He turns around, picks up the skillet, and pours the stir-fry onto our plates. We walk into the living room and set them down on the coffee table to cool when he continues, "Explain to me what everything is."
I empty out my thoughts with Jase because I know I can tell him anything and he will never judge me. "I'm scared I might freak out on him, and he'll think I'm weird and won't want to waste his time with me. I'm scared I'm not enough for him. I'm worried he will somehow know what happened to me, and he'll be disgusted by me. And I'm scared of losing him, for whatever reason. What if this thing ends up badly and I'm left hurt?"
"If that does happen, you'll be okay. You're strong. I know you don't see it, but I do. You're the strongest person I know."
"I don't feel like it."
"You are. And everyone has fears in a new relationship. It doesn't make you weak; it makes you real. I was scared when Mark and I got back together. Scared that somehow I would screw it up again. That I would fall for him and then he would realize what a dick I was and leave. Scared that his family wouldn't like me. I was scared of a lot, but I still wanted him more than I wanted to give up."
"But everything that Mark was telling us. The stuff about all the girls. It's true."
"What did he say?"
I don't tell Jase everything, because what Ryan told me is private, and I want to keep it that way, so I say, "He said it was a rough time in his life, and he used women as a distraction. I asked him how many and he just told me it was a lot. But today when I stopped by his place, one of his friends was there, and he made a comment that's really been bothering me."
I pick up my plate and start moving the food aimlessly around as I continue, "So, Ryan and I were walking to his office to talk, and his friend made a remark about us having sex in there and that it wouldn't be the first time Ryan has done that."
; "God."
"I know. So, when we were alone, I got upset, but then I felt bad for him. You should have seen the look on his face, Jase. It was horrible. I know he felt embarrassed, so I let it go and didn't say anything else."
"That's probably best. I mean, what is there really to say?"
"I know. It just makes me uncomfortable to think about that stuff happening at his place, and now I'm hanging out there."
"That sucks, but you can't think about all that. It's just going to eat at you."
I take a big bite of food, tilt my head back, and say, "I know," so that none of it falls out of my mouth.
Laughing at me, he jokes, "Is that how they taught you to eat at the country club?"
We both laugh and enjoy our dinner, dropping all serious conversation aside.
After dinner we simply hang out like we used to, watching trash TV and relaxing. We decide to call it a night around midnight. We lie down in his bed to sleep. We have been sleeping together for the past four years. I have always found it to be comforting, not sexual at all. Being able to have that closeness with Jase has really bonded us together. I know I can totally be free and open with him, and I need that. I don't have that with anyone else. He's seen me at my absolute worst, and has never abandoned me.
I've been studying and trying to get ahead in my classes this afternoon. Knowing that my audition is in a couple of weeks, I have been spending most of my free time at the studio. Kimber has been at her parents' house all weekend, so I have the house to myself.
I've been working on a project for one of my classes for the past few hours when Ryan drops by. I welcome the distraction as we hang out in my room and talk. I can tell something is bothering him, and I just assume it has something to do with what Gavin said yesterday at his place.
But before I can say anything, he says, "I need to talk to you about something."
Sitting on my bed, I cross my legs and say, "Okay," feeling a little nervous at the seriousness in his tone.
"Look, I get your relationship with Jase, and I haven't ever had any issues with it, but I don't like that you guys still sleep together."
"But, it's not like that."