by E. K. Blair
Ryan says nothing as we sit here on the floor. I feel guilty for the lies and mistruths I've told him to try and hide this. When my sobs soften into whimpers, I speak.
"I've been lying to you," I say quietly.
"I don't care. It doesn't matter."
"I feel horrible."
"Candace, don't do this. You have every right to lie."
But I need to tell him.
"I can't go to see you at work because..."
"Shhh..."
"Because it happened in your parking lot. By the dumpster. That's why I freaked out. I didn't know where I was until I saw the dumpster."
When I tell him this, I feel a breath thud in his chest. I loosen my hold and pull back. I break when I see the tears streaming down his cheeks. Looking into his eyes, as the tears begin to fall from mine again, I cry, "I'm so sorry."
"Don't ever fuckin' say that again. Don't ever be sorry for anything again."
"I'm just so far from what you thought."
"You're not."
"I am. Every day is a struggle. Everything. I'm scared every day." I drop my head for a moment, and when I look back up at him, I finally admit what I've been feeling for the past six months. Ever since that night, the night Jack left me broken and desperate. The night he took everything from me: my trust, my peace, my security, my faith—my light. He took it all and left me with nothing.
"I'm fading." I feel the heat of my tears as they linger down my cheeks. "He took all my light, and I've been fading ever since."
Cradling my face in his hands, he says, "You're not fading. I won't let you."
I nod my head, fold myself into his arms, and let him hold me.
"That's why Kimber is mad. I didn't go home after it happened. I stayed with Jase and never told her why. She knows I'm lying."
Ryan doesn't say anything. He simply lets me talk and get it all out. I love him even more for that because I need to get it out.
"I've been taking sleeping pills, but I stopped last week. That's why I haven't been sleeping." I take a second before continuing. "I dream about that night—about him. All I see are his eyes." I confess as I weep out, "He made me watch him."
Ryan doesn't say anything as a new slew of sobs wrack my body. He just bands his arms tighter around me and I finally speak again, "So, I take pills to keep him away."
"Babe, why did you stop taking them?" he asks as he brushes my hair back behind my shoulder.
"Because every night when I take them, it's only a reminder of what happened. I just want to forget, but I can't."
"Have you told anyone?"
"No. Only Jase and Mark. Jase was with me in the hospital. Mark only knows because he walked in and saw my face. It was pretty banged up."
"Your parents?"
"God, no. It was because of them that I went out with that guy at all."
He pulls his head back and looks at me in disbelief. "You knew him?"
I nod my head and he asks, "But you didn't do anything?"
"No."
"I wanna fucking kill him," he says through gritted teeth.
It takes a while, but when I finally feel Ryan's tense chest relax, he pulls back and looks me in the eyes as he says, "This changes nothing for me. Okay? Nothing. No one will ever love you like I do."
When he leans down and gently kisses me, I release my worry. Worry of him leaving, of him being disgusted, worry of him running away from my dark side. I relax in his arms, knowing that we have no more secrets.
"He knows."
"You told him?" he says in surprise.
"I didn't really have a choice," I tell Jase. "I had another nightmare last night."
"What happened?" he asks as he shifts on the couch to face me.
"I freaked out with him in the bed. It was humiliating. So, I had to tell him."
Jase reaches over and grabs my hand, holding it tightly when I continue. "I've never said it before. I never wanted to say the words. I mean, I have silently in my head, but never out loud."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"What did he do?"
"I mean, what could he do? He listened and assured me that it doesn't change anything with us. I was scared he'd want to leave. I wouldn't have blamed him."
"God, Candace, I'm sorry, but he needed to know. I'm glad you told him," he says with sincerity.
"I told him I loved him." A grin spreads across his face and I say, "Don't embarrass me, Jase."
"I won't. I swear."
Taking my hand from his, I grab my glass of wine from the coffee table and take a sip when he asks, "Do you know what he's doing for your birthday?"
"Jase, you know I hate parties and presents. It's all awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, I haven't told him it's my birthday."
He laughs at me and says, "You're so weird."
"Seriously, we have never done anything before, why start now?"
He takes a swig of his beer, then suggests, "Let's at least get together. We can go do dinner at Mark's. No birthday cake. Promise."
"Fiiine," I whine and then give him a tiny smile. "I'll let Ryan know. And no presents. It's just stupid."
"None."
We sit together on his couch and continue to drink and catch up on what's been going on in each other's lives. It's Friday night, and Ryan is at work. One of Gavin's bands is playing there tonight, so he and his friends decided to make a night out of it. He wanted to cancel when we woke up this morning, but I told him that it would make me more uncomfortable if he didn't go because of me. Plus, Jase and I had already made plans to get together, so Ryan agreed, although with much hesitation.
I nearly finish the bottle of merlot by myself and am drunk for the first time in my life. Maybe it was just everything that had happened yesterday that has me wanting to drink way more than I normally do. I'm barely coherent when Jase calls Ryan to come pick me up.
"Youuuu take me home," I slur out, and then burst into a fit of giggles.
"I can't. I've had too many beers. He'll be here in a bit. He just left the bar."
I lie down on the couch and close my eyes when the room begins to sway in a hazy way. Jase is talking to me, but it sounds like an echo at this point. When there is a knock at the door, I pop up on my knees, looking over the back of the couch as Ryan walks in.
"You're heeeere!" I scream and throw my arms into the air.
"Shit, man, what the hell did you give her?" he laughs out.
"She inhaled a bottle of wine," Jase tells him.
Pointing to Ryan, I shout, "You'rrre hot!" and then burst out into another fit of uncontrollable laughter.
"Okay, party's over, babe," he says as he walks toward the couch shaking his head humorously at me.
"Noooo!" I pout as I jump up to my feet on top of the couch and feign authority.
He grabs me behind my knees and throws me over his shoulder as I continue to giggle.
"Alright, let's go."
I reach down, grab his ass, and squeal, "Niiiice!"
"Oh yeah. You like that?" he says through his chuckles, and I can hear Jase laughing as well.
Looking up, I wave to Jase, "Byyyye, buddy!"
"Call me tomorrow when you sober up."
"Bye, man. Thanks for calling me," Ryan says before hauling me to the elevator.
When we get inside, he sets me down, and I turn to the buttons and laugh while I swipe my hands over them, lighting each one up.
"Woohoooo!"
"Shit, babe! Do you know how long it's gonna take us to get to the lobby?"
"A looong, looong time," I say extremely slow.
He holds onto my hips to steady me and then smiles down at me. "You're so fuckin' cute when you're drunk."
"I'm druuuunk?!"
"Yeah, just a bit."
Slinging my arms around his neck, I hang my head back and look up at him. "You'rrre so tall."
"I don't think so. You're just really small."
"I like it!" I chirp out. "It's sexxxxy."
>
"You think so?"
"Ooooh yeaaaah." Lifting high on my toes, I slightly lose my balance and give him a sloppy kiss before cracking up in giggles.
He wipes his mouth and mumbles, "That was interesting."
While the elevator slowly makes its way down to the lobby, stopping on every floor, I decide to make myself comfortable on the floor.
Sitting in the corner, Ryan looks down at me and smirks as he leans against the wall.
"Can we some cake?" I mumble out.
"Babe, you're missing some words in there." The elevator dings again, and this time, the doors open to the lobby. "Come on," he says and he scoops me up, cradling me in his hold. I wrap my arms around his neck and say, "I wannn cake."
"It's the middle of the night. You have ice cream in my freezer. Just eat that."
"I told Jase nooo cake for my birrrthday, But I wannn some."
Setting me in his car, he says, "Birthday, huh? Why am I just now hearing this?"
"It'sss Thursdaay."
"Hmmm." He reaches over me to fasten the seatbelt, and I lay my head down on the center console.
When he gets into the car, he brushes my hair back. "How're you feeling?"
"Sleepy."
"Just close your eyes."
My head grows heavy, and I begin to drift while Ryan strokes my hair during the drive back to his place. He carries me inside and up the stairs to his room. Sitting me down on the edge of the tub, he goes to get me my clothes.
"Here. Do you want me to help you change?"
"No. I can do it," I say, not wanting Ryan to see me without my clothes on.
"Okay. I'm gonna run downstairs. I'll be right back."
"Okay."
I slip into my pants and cami, brush my teeth, then go to slide into bed. I don't open my eyes when I hear Ryan come back in and change.
"Candace," he whispers.
"Hmmm..."
"Babe, where are your pills?"
"Purse."
When he returns, I take my pill and some aspirin with the bottle of water he set on the nightstand. I roll over into his arms and curl up.
"Thanks," I whisper in the darkness.
"For what?"
"Staying."
Turning on his side to face me, he pulls me in flush against him. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere."
"I know, but that was before..."
"I love you. I wanna be that person you can bring anything to; the good and the bad."
"I love you, Ryan."
He kisses me slowly and then tucks my head under his chin. "I love you too."
Time passes and I hear Ryan's breaths as they slow into a soft rhythmic pattern as he falls asleep. My head is woozy, and I try to fight the sleep that is threatening to take over. My dream last night fills my head and haunts me. I don't want to close my eyes because I'm afraid Jack is on the other side. I toss and turn in my restlessness. Reaching over, I grab Ryan's phone to see the time is almost two a.m., and when I roll back over, Ryan is awake.
"What are you doing?" he asks in a sleepy rasp.
"Nothing."
"How are you even still awake?"
I lay my head on his chest and don't respond.
"Babe...?"
"I don't want to sleep just yet."
"Why?"
"I'm just...I'm scared I'll have another bad dream."
He kisses my forehead and says, "Try not to think so much about it. It's just you and me. Think about us. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?"
"Back to Indian Beach with you." I think about that morning; him telling me that he wanted to be with me, us kissing in the cold rain.
"Close your eyes and go back there. You and me sitting on the driftwood."
"Talk to me," I request, and he does. He replays our morning on the beach and tells me everything he was feeling. Confessing how nervous he was and how much he was already falling for me. His words chase away the fears of Jack, and I drift off before he finishes talking.
I've had more free time to spend with Ryan since my audition last week. We've started running again, and I even let Ryan photograph me. He said he wanted to get a few shots of my legs. He's been working on them for the past couple days while I'm in class. He showed them to me this morning, and they are incredible. It's pretty amazing what he can capture and enhance. I love that we can do that together. The way he looks at me when he takes my picture, it's an intimacy I haven't ever felt before.
When I get back from work, Mark's car is already parked in the driveway. We decided to have my non-birthday dinner here at the loft tonight. I told Ryan to not make it a big deal, and explained how my mother would always throw these extravagant birthdays for me, but how they were really her way of one-upping her friends.
My parties had more of her friends there than mine, and we never got to do what I wanted. They were always so formal when all I really wanted was a simple white cake and to play silly games. Instead, for my sixth birthday, I had a tea party at the country club. We all wore frilly dresses and fancy hats. So, ever since I left home, I prefer to do nothing for my birthday since the day only holds dismal memories for me.
When I walk in, I am happy to see the guys watching TV and drinking beer. I love each of them in very different ways and smile when I see them sitting there.
I walk in and give Jase and Mark a hug and a kiss and when Ryan motions me over, I go sit on his lap.
"I missed you," he says quietly in my ear and runs his nose down my neck. "Mmmm...coffee," he jokes.
I laugh and hop off his lap. "I'm gonna take a quick shower. I'll be back."
"Pizzas will be here in a few minutes," Mark calls out to me when I start up the stairs.
"All right."
After I shower and dry my hair, I decide to take it easy and throw on my pajamas. When I hear the doorbell ring, I hurry downstairs because I'm starving.
When I turn the corner, I see Ryan hugging his mom.
I'm surprised when I say, "Donna?"
"Candace," she says with a smile.
I walk over to her, confused, and give her a hug. "What are you doing here?"
"I wasn't going to miss your birthday. But I'm a little disappointed that I had to hear about it from Ryan when you and I talk every week."
When I look over at Ryan, he gives me a wink and a chaste kiss.
"Sorry, I...I don't normally do anything for my birthday, but I'm so happy you're here," I say and hug her again. "I can't believe you drove all this way."
"It's a few hours, dear. Hardly a chore." She takes my hand and walks us into the living room.
I introduce her to Mark and Jase, and they all exchange hugs.
"Mom, what do you want to drink?"
"A glass of wine will be good."
"Me too," I say.
"You're not gonna get drunk, slap my ass, and tell me how sexy I am, are you?" he teases.
"Ryan!"
I look at Donna with an apologetic look while Ryan is laughing at my expense in the kitchen.
"I didn't...I mean it wasn't..."
"Honey, we've all been there," she says with a hint of laughter.
Ryan walks back in, hands his mom and I our glasses of wine, and sits down next to me while his mom and I chat. Ever since Christmas, she calls me once a week to check in. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but we've grown close. She knows that I've been staying here with Ryan and how I feel about him. She's never once been judgmental or snarky like it was with my mother when she would call me. The relationship I have with Donna is one that I have been needing, now more than ever. She's nothing but supportive and encouraging, and I love her for that.
When the pizza arrives, we all sit around the living room and eat straight from the boxes. Ryan and I share the box with the pineapple pizza. I love that I can spend a night like this, in my pajamas, with people I care about.
Mark and Ryan gather all the boxes and take them to the kitchen when we are done. When they come back in, Ryan is holding a c
heap grocery store birthday cake.
"Don't get upset, but you told me in the elevator that you wanted cake, so here it is."
He smiles at me as he sets it on the coffee table and Mark hands everyone a fork. We all sit on the floor, around the table, and eat. We don't bother cutting it; we just eat straight from the cake. When I can't take another bite, I throw my fork in and lie back.
"I'm gonna die," I moan out in discomfort.
"I don't get how you can be so tiny when you eat like a horse," Mark teases.
"Because I work my ass off."
"Please, you twirl around on your toes," he chuckles out.
"Oh yeah? When I find a pair of pointes in size Yeti, I'm gonna make you wear them, and then you can see what a workout it is."
"I'd pay to see that shit," Jase says.
Ryan and Donna clean everything up while Mark, Jase, and I continue to tease each other.
When we decide to watch a movie, Donna calls it a night. She's tired from the drive, but we will have all day tomorrow to hang out. While Ryan gets her situated in the guest bedroom, Jase, Mark, and I get comfortable on the floor and turn out the lights. We pull the pillows off the couch and chairs and huddle under blankets. Ryan returns and slides under my blanket, and we cuddle as we watch 'The Breakfast Club.'
By the time Allison throws the bologna and cheese on the statue and proceeds to make a sandwich out of Captain Crunch and Pixie Sticks, Jase and Mark head out. Once they're gone, I roll over and face Ryan, the only light being the flicker of the TV. I tangle my legs with his and snuggle in close.
"Thank you."
"For?"
"Your mom and the cake," I say with a grin.
He kisses my nose and says, "Anytime."
I slide my hand under his shirt and run it up his smooth back. "I love you."
He doesn't say anything; he only kisses me. It's all I need as I melt into him. I can taste the sugar from the cake and he caresses his tongue with mine. I grip onto his shoulder and wrap my leg around his hip. Grabbing onto my thigh, I tangle my other hand in his hair. He rolls on top of me and runs his palm up my side, under my shirt.