by E. K. Blair
Leaning in, I kiss her forehead, simply resting my lips against her. I need every second of this as I feel her coming back to me, until she pulls away, shaking her head, and then the knife strikes when she whispers, “I can’t.”
“Babe.”
“I can’t. It hurts so bad, I just can’t.”
“I swear to you,” I beg because that’s all I have at this point. “I will never hurt you again.”
“But you swore you wouldn’t hurt me before and you did.”
Lowering my head to look her in the eyes straight on, I affirm, “I love you. God, I love you so much,” as I move in, holding her face in my hands, and gently graze my lips across hers, tasting the sweetest thing I’ve ever had.
“I’m moving,” she breathes against my lips, and her words echo in my head. A painful reality that I knew would come, but to have it here when I finally have her, is something I don’t want to face.
I shift back to look at her, not wanting to accept her words, when she says, “I got a job. I’m moving to New York in two weeks.”
Dropping my head, I feel the panic in me. The finality of this has never been more tangible than it is right now, and it’s a sharp blade in my heart. A slow bleed that bears the agony of an unrelenting suffering.
“You can’t kiss me,” she says as a new slew of tears starts. “If you do . . . I’ll never want to leave you.”
“Then I’ll come with you.”
“Ryan . . . I just can’t. I’m too scared you’ll hurt me again. I just need to be on my own. I’ve been working so hard to pull myself out of the hell I’ve been living in.”
“I know you have. I ask Jase about you all the time. He’s told me how well you’re doing. I just wish I could be around to see it, babe,” I choke out around the knot in my throat that I can no longer fight as I drop my head and cry. Cry for what we once had. We were so good and happy. Completely in love and bound together in a way I never thought two people could be. But we were, and I don’t think something like that comes around too often.
“All I ever wanted was for you to be okay, to be happy,” I tell her.
“I’m okay.”
She lets me hold on to her, so I do. Scared to let go of her because I know what it means when I finally do, and it’s a pain I’m not ready to feel. So I let time pass as I keep her tucked into me, her head nestled in the curve of my neck, the feel of her damp hair against my skin, the smell of her soft scent that filters into my lungs . . . my senses consumed with her, and then comes sound as she finally speaks.
“Do you think you could drive me home?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, wondering how you say goodbye to someone like her. But I find happiness in one thing, and that is, after all we have been through and all the time that has passed, she ran to me for the comfort that she needed.
I let my tears fall as I drive her home, and with each glance over, I see her own stained face. My gut is in knots, and with my eyes on the road ahead, I ask, as desperate as a man could, because I have nothing else, “Tell me how to fight for you.”
“Please,” is her only response, spoken softly, pleading for me not to push any more.
When I pull up to her house, I turn to her and ask, “Can I walk you in?”
“Ryan.”
Nodding my head, I get it. I see the pain in her eyes, but when she turns to grab the handle, I give her my last attempt to let her know, “I’ll never love anyone the way that I love you.”
She looks back at me, tears streaming, and she nods. Without words I hear what she’s telling me, and I hate that she’s denying us something we both know is great. She feels my words too, and having the knowledge that she feels the same way about loving me makes this all the worse. With the click of the handle, she steps out as I hear her crying begin to crack though, and the sound is excruciating.
And that’s it.
She’s gone.
“How is it that you’re so good with Bennett?” Traci asks me as I lay him down on the floor on his blanket.
“Because for the past five years my cousins have been pushing out babies,” I tell her.
Max returned to work this past week, and he wanted me to stop by and check on Traci. He told me she was freaking out about being alone with the baby, so I decided to bring my camera along to take some photos of Bennett for her.
“Can you turn off the light? I just need the natural light right now.”
“Yeah, sure,” she says as she flips the lights off.
The sun is shining today, making it perfect for these pictures. Bennett is asleep as I adjust him before bringing the camera to my eye and taking a few shots then moving him into a different pose.
“Thanks for doing this.”
“No problem. I wasn’t doing anything today, so I’m glad I have the distraction,” I tell her because I feel like I just went back in time a few months, and I’m feeling the loss of Candace all over again.
“Max is worried about you,” she says, and when I look up at her, I say, “Is that so?”
Tilting her head at me, she adds, “Yeah, that’s so.”
“Tell him I’m fine. Life is full of shit. It’s nothing that I’m not used to.”
“That’s a depressing outlook.”
Sitting back on my heels, I scan through the photos I just took as I say, “Not everybody gets what they want, Traci.”
“There’s probably someone else out there that you’re gonna want more; you just haven’t met her yet.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
“Ryan,” Traci says to get my attention as she sits on the floor next to Bennett and me. “We’ve all lost someone we loved only to find that it wasn’t as deep of a love as we had thought when we finally find the one.”
“Is Max the one?”
She looks at her son and smiles when she says, “Yeah.”
“And there’s never been a question or hesitation about it?”
Turning back to me, she tells me, “No.”
“And what about the others you thought you loved? Any hesitation there?”
When she nods her head yes, I add, “That’s the difference here. Never was there a question or hesitation. And she wasn’t just someone I loved.”
She doesn’t respond as I lie down next to Bennett with my camera to get some close-ups of his facial features. Traci and I have gotten to know each other better since the baby came along, and I started spending more time over here at their house. At first, I was just trying to keep myself busy, but in the process, I’ve connected with Traci, and Max and I have become closer as well. I have a good bond with Jase, and even Mark, but it’s hard to be around them at times because it only reminds me of how it used to be. But having this with two people that don’t have that connection with Candace gives me a reprieve.
I head up to the bar to give Max the prints of the photos I took of his son a few days ago, and when I walk in, I see Jase sitting at the bar, talking to Mel.
“Hey, Ryan. I didn’t think you were coming in today,” Mel says as I walk over to them.
“I just needed to drop some stuff off with Max,” I tell her and then look at Jase, asking, “How are you doing, man?”
“Good. Just waiting on Mark to get out of an interview.”
“How’s all that going?”
“I got a job offer yesterday, so I’m good to go. Just hoping that Mark gets this one because it’s the firm he really wants,” he tells me.
“Congrats, man. That’s great. So when do you start?”
“Next week.”
Knowing that Candace should be moving soon, I ask because I guess I like to torture myself, “When does she move?”
I don’t even need to say her name when he tells me, “Friday morning.”
It’s hard to imagine that she’ll be in New York City, all alone, in three days. It’s always been her dream to dance with the company that she signed on with, and I’m happy that she’s doing this for her and no one else. It’s something she’s alw
ays wanted and to have this opportunity in life, to see your dreams through, is an amazing thing, and I’m so proud of her. I honestly never thought she would ever move away like she is, all by herself. It’s hard for me to imagine her in a place where she’s okay to do this on her own. The girl that was always so scared of crowds and going out. Timid and paranoid. I worry about her.
“Could you do me a favor?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“Are you taking her to the airport?”
When he nods his head yes, I ask, “Will you give me a call when she’s gone?”
The pity in his eyes irritates me, but I expect it. There’s no doubt that this girl makes me weak. She always has. She softened me up because she was so delicate, and I loved that about her, that she could do that to me.
“You sure?” Jase asks.
“I’m sure.”
“Alright,” he says as he stands up. “I gotta get going. Mark should be at my place soon.”
As he walks out, Mel comes back over after giving the two of us space to talk.
“Mel,” I sigh out on an exasperated breath.
“You look like you need a drink.”
“When did life get so damn depressing?” I ask her with a slight laugh.
“You’re asking me?” she responds as she hands me a beer. “All I know is, I’m over it.”
Her expression mirrors mine, and I know something is weighing on her.
“Talk to me.”
The place is dead with it being early in the day, so she takes a seat next to me.
“Zane wants a divorce,” she tells me.
“What?”
She nods and says, “Yeah. I got the papers a few days ago.”
“Shit,” I mutter. “I’m sorry.”
When she shrugs her shoulders, she tells me, “We just grew apart, you know? Maybe it was me. Music was always his life; I just never thought that he would make anything big out of it, so I never considered it in our path in life. But that’s not the life I want.”
“So now what?”
“I don’t know,” she mumbles.
Taking a swig of my beer, I say, “Yeah, me neither.”
It’s Friday, and I’m sitting around dreading the call that I asked for. Why do I do this shit to myself? I tried to keep busy by working on some photo editing from a shoot I was hired to do for a portfolio, but my head just wasn’t in it. So now I’m killing the minutes, surfing around on the internet when my cell finally rings, causing a quick drop in my gut.
Seeing Jase’s name on the screen, I take the call that I should have never sought.
“Hey,” I say quietly.
“Hey, man. I just got back to my apartment. Sorry it took so long to call; I had to take Kimber back home.”
“So you got her dropped off?”
“Yeah. She should be boarding now.”
“How was she?” I ask.
“Nervous as expected, but this is what she’s been working so hard for, so I know she’s excited.”
Feeling the welling of sadness, I rush off the phone, needing to just drown in this for a while.
“Thanks for calling, I’ll catch you later,” I tell him before hanging up and leaning back in my desk chair as I stare up at the ceiling.
I’m completely drained, and to finally have the book closed on this may be what I’ve been needing. With her on the other side of the country, maybe I can finally let it go. Let go of the hope that died months ago when I woke up to find her gone. The hope I was determined to keep alive when it was already dead.
Needing to get out of the house. I start heading upstairs to change my clothes for a run, but as soon as I hit the top step, there’s a ringing at my door. I look out the windows and see a cab pulling out of my driveway, and when I go back downstairs to open the door, all that hope comes back to life.
She’s beautiful, even though she’s crying, as she stands on my doorstep.
“What are you doing here? I just got off the phone with Jase. He said he dropped you off at the airport.”
“I can’t go. I’m so sorry. I can’t do it,” she cries and with each word I feel the ever-vacant part of my heart filling up.
“What do you mean you can’t do it?”
“Because . . . I love you too much to leave. And I miss you. And I made a huge mistake by leaving you. I’m so sorry,” she continues to cry, and I don’t even waste a second, pulling her into my arms where she was always meant to be.
“Baby, you didn’t make any mistakes.”
“I did. And I know I hurt you. But, I’m so sorry. I can’t go because I can’t leave you. I don’t want to leave you.”
Pulling her inside and taking her to the couch, I feel the weight of what she’s doing pile on, and tell her, “I can’t let you give up on your dream. I can’t.”
“But, it’s not my dream,” she says in her unwavering confessions. “I was just hanging on to it because I was scared to see that it really wasn’t what I wanted. It’s you. It’s always been you.”
Covering her lips with mine, I hold on to her as she climbs onto my lap, straddling her legs across me, and gives me what I’ve been dying for. I kiss her hard, in disbelief that this is even happening.
“I’ve missed you so much, babe,” I tell her when I pull back and look into her eyes. “You have no fucking idea.”
“I love you. I’m sorry I’ve been so stupid and wasted all this time when all I really wanted was to be here with you.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I fucked up. I hurt you, and you’ll never know how much I regret it.”
“I don’t blame you, Ryan. I did, but I don’t anymore. I just want to be with you.”
Her words mend all that was broken inside of me, and I cling to each one, desperate for this, and tell her, “I don’t ever want to lose you again.”
“You won’t. I’m yours.”
That’s all I need to hear. I don’t give a shit that it took her this long to realize it because I have her.
She’s mine.
This time when I kiss her, I bring her in slow because I intend on taking my time to make up for all that we lost. With her soft lips pressed against mine, I’m taken back to a place where the pain of losing her doesn’t exist. With her hands on my face, I stand, picking her up with me as she loops her legs around me. When I get her upstairs, I lay her down on the bed, needing the smell of her all over my sheets—all over me.
Hovering over her, I slip off my shirt, and when I do, she slowly sits up as I rest back on my heels. I watch as she takes her hand and brushes her fingers along my scar. A scar that doesn’t even amount to the pain I felt when I lost her.
She tilts her head back to look up at me, and I tell her, “I couldn’t breathe without you.”
“I need you.”
And so I give her me, every little piece. She doesn’t even need to ask because I’ve always been hers, even when I tried so hard not to be, to move on and put her in the past. I could never do it because she’s always had me.
Lying on top of her, I press the weight of myself onto her to feel her softness beneath me. She runs her hands from my wrists, up my arms, and to my shoulders before she lets them fall above her head. Comfortable, as if she’s saying ‘have me.’ Taking the hem of her silk top, I slowly slip it off of her body and toss it onto the floor.
Everything about her is familiar, and I need the comfort of her as I use my hands to reacquaint. Sliding them down her neck, over her lace-covered breasts, and down her stomach. Her breathing quickens along with my pulse as I undo her pants and slide them down her legs. God, her legs. After discarding my pants, I return to her, pulling the sheets over us, needy to trap her heat to me. She slips her arms around my neck when I reach around to remove her bra.
The warmth of her naked body with mine, we linger in the moment, touching, kissing, and exploring what we’ve been missing with each other. I’d go through the ache of these past few months all over again just to be with her like this. Nothi
ng compares to this feeling of peace that she’s able to give me. She’s the one who allowed me to find myself, and without her I didn’t know who I was.
Dragging my head down the length of her, I kiss my way back up her stomach, underneath her breast, and I slide my tongue over her nipple before sucking her into my mouth, pressing my tongue against her pert bud. She releases a heady breath into the air, moving her body as the passion takes over us. When I reach down, needing to reclaim everything we had taken our time working up to, I gently run my hand between her legs, touching her intimately. She doesn’t push me away when she lets go of a soft moan as I feel how ready for me she is.
Spreading her legs apart, I settle myself between the heat of her thighs. Gazing at her, naked beneath me, bared to each other and coming out of the agony that’s loomed over us, I see all I’ll ever want.
“God, you’re so beautiful.”
She pulls me down to kiss her, sealing her mouth with mine. Her kisses are deep and purposeful, laced with an intent that settles my heart in hers, filling up the joy that I’ve been without. She’s my happiness. She’s the light in my life and without her, I was lost, but now . . . having her giving this all back to me, it’s elated every part of my soul. We’re completely wrapped up in each other as I guide myself inside of her, never breaking our kisses. The connection is intense, both of us claiming the other as our own but in the most unselfish way a human can as we give ourselves entirely to the other.
Her grip tightens on me, and I push myself deeper inside of her causing her body to bow up into mine, head pressed into the pillow beneath her. As she rolls her head back, I drag my mouth up her exposed neck before I flip us over and sit up to keep our bodies close, with her legs draped on either side of me. Wrapping my hands around the back of her small shoulders, I press her down on me as she rocks her hips into me in response.
When she grabs my shoulders, she begins to slowly roll herself over me. My breathing is heavy as I drop my head down to her chest, kissing and sucking lightly. We move slowly, taking our time with each other.
Gripping her bottom, I guide her as she begins to stagger as emotions flood over. She tangles her hands in my hair and looks into my eyes as she begins to cry, but I have no worry because I know she’s safe with me. Vulnerable, exposed, but entirely safe in my touch.