But mostly she liked the kindness in his eyes when he looked upon her mother and the warmth in them when he looked upon her.
“Lady Penelope, I wonder if you would grant me the pleasure of your company down to Sandhurst tomorrow to look for books to expand my collection?”
“I would love to go with you,” Penny breathed, and they both turned to look at Lord Nester, waiting for him to give his approval.
“Sure, sure,” Lord Nester agreed, waving an uninterested hand. “Why not? The little thing needs to get outside now and then, I suppose. Not good to spend all one’s time inside reading, you know.”
“We should be in need of a chaperone.”
Lord Nester looked at the younger man and sighed. “I’ll send a maid with Penny. That will do.”
Her father’s obvious disinterest was quite embarrassing, but for once Penny didn’t care. The happy smile Mr. Bedford sent her when her father agreed took away her dismay at the awkwardness of her family and left her giddy with excitement.
She was going book-hunting with Mr. Bedford tomorrow. For once, life was absolutely perfect.
As Mr. Bedford took his leave, she followed him to the front door, where he turned and looked down at her with a smile.
“I do look forward to tomorrow, Lady Penelope. It will be a real treat for me to share the excitement of finding a good book with you.”
“Please,” Penny breathed, and she could feel her cheeks turning red, “I would be honored if you would call me Penny.”
The smile he bestowed on her was radiant with sheer happiness. “Then I must ask you to call me Thomas, in return. It would feel very good if you would oblige me.”
“Then I will, Thomas.”
As she met his warm eyes, her heart knew the warm sensation of a new love awakening.
He held out his arm, and with a sweet smile she put her hand neatly in the crook of it. Slowly they strolled through the front garden, which drowned in color from all sorts of flowers. At the gate in the low wall which surrounded Harveyfield, they bid adieu, and he climbed up into his carriage where it awaited him outside the wall.
Dreamingly she watched him drive down the road, admiring his straight back until he disappeared around a bend of the road. If she had previously thought she’d done the right thing by accepting his wish to court her, she now knew it was the right thing.
Thomas Bedford was everything she wanted in a man. Everything she needed. So what if she didn’t feel the overwhelming shivery sensations that Rake always inspired. This was better.
Rake always made her want to feel more. But Thomas made her feel content. And if she had to choose right now, she much preferred being sated rather than yearning.
“So that’s your suitor.”
Surprised, as she hadn’t heard him approaching, Penny looked up and met Rake’s amused grey eyes. More handsome than ever, he sat in the driver’s seat of a fashionable carriage, and immediately her silly heart skipped a beat. Thomas and all the cozy feelings he’d given her disappeared in the turmoil Rake created inside her.
“Yes, Mr. Bedford is my suitor.”
“Boring Saint Thomas? Don’t you think you could do better?”
“I don’t need better. I need Thomas.”
Rake chuckled, his eyes glistening wickedly at her. “So you admit there is better?”
“No, I don’t,” she gasped, and his eyes darkened until they once again nailed her down with their smoldering heat. The faint memory of his confession to how much he liked her gasps raced through her mind, and she blushed as she felt her body respond to the sultry promise in his eyes.
“Come. Ride with me.”
Rake held out his hand, inviting her to go with him down a road of no regrets.
But she couldn’t. Not anymore. A week ago she would have thrown everything away for him with a naïve wish that he would do the honorable thing in the end and marry her. But now she knew better.
Rake promised her heaven for a short time, but then she would live in hell for the rest of her life.
But she didn’t yearn for a life in either heaven or hell anymore. She had found that for her it would be enough to have her own place on earth, a modest home and a family of her own.
And, most of all, she wanted Thomas.
“No.”
He arched an eyebrow and slowly put his hand back in his lap. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I don’t want this. I don’t want you.”
He snorted, obviously not believing a word of what she said, and she couldn’t blame him. She did have a tendency to react to him like all she wanted was to forget everything in his waiting arms.
But the memory of Thomas and their budding romance came back to her, and so did the wonderful feeling of contentment he brought up in her.
“Yes, you do.” Rake gave her another one of those wicked smiles that sent her heart beating faster than she thought possible. But this time she didn’t hesitate when she answered him, and she knew he could read the truth in her eyes.
“No, I don’t. I want Thomas.”
“Why not enjoy the company of both of us, at least for a while?”
The coldness of his words stunned her.
“I can’t believe you just said that.” Her voice echoed her broken heart. “Do you really think I would give myself to you and then marry Thomas without any remorse?”
“Penny, my love,” Rake sighed with a tired grimace. “This constant assumption of yours that I am a cad is starting to get quite old. I am a gentleman, no matter what my mother dramatically declares, and I would never...”
To her own surprise she actually harrumphed. Like an old, patronizing matron she stared at him down her nose—as well as she could manage considering he was sitting in his carriage looking down at her—and cleared her throat loudly.
“A gentleman, you say?” she sneered and caught herself just as she was about to put her index finger up and wag it at him. “Would a gentleman tell me to disrespect the man I’m about to marry? Would a gentleman tell me he wants me, although he is well aware of me being more or less betrothed to another man? No, he wouldn’t!”
“Then I guess I’m just a man who’s looking at the woman he wants, begging her to want him back.”
She looked into his dark, intense eyes and wanted nothing but to give in to him. For once he sounded sincere, as if he really meant what he was saying.
Then again, he didn’t mention marriage. He only offered her himself for a short moment in time. But she wanted more. Bloody hell, she knew she deserved more.
With one last lingering look upon the face she had adored secretly for most of her life, she said the only thing she could think of.
“Goodbye, Rake.”
She gave him a small curtsy, and before he had a chance to react she turned and ran inside her home. Breathlessly she hid behind the front door until she heard his carriage drive away, and not until she was sure he had left was she able to breathe normally again.
“What happened with Rake?” Charmaine came out into the foyer just as Penny was about to rush up to her room to dwell upon what had happened. “You two looked like you were having quite an intense conversation. Has anything happened between the two of you while I’ve been away?”
“It was so stupid,” Penny admitted, not able to stop the telling heat which crept up on her cheeks. “Fanny and I were taking a swim in the lake when Rake happened to come by, and I was dressed in only my wet chemise.”
“Oh!” Charmaine’s blue eyes grew wider.
“Yes,” Penny sighed. “He saw it all.”
“Oh, my.”
“I know. I was so embarrassed. But what was even more awkward was how easily he changed his attitude toward me from niece’s-best-friend to woman-I-want.”
“He did?” Charmaine clapped her hands with excitement. “This is indeed incredibly good news. This is what we have been talking about since you first fell in love with him. But what about Mr. Bedford? What is he in all this?”
“Thomas is the only suitor I will consider.”
Charmaine stared at Penny in disbelief. “The only suitor you will consider? What about Rake? Isn’t this what you have wanted for most of your life? Rake wanting you?”
“You know it is. He is the man of my dreams, but unfortunately he will stay that. You see, Rake may want me badly, but not as his wife. No, he wants me to become his mistress.”
“Oh, my!”
Penny nodded. “Do you know what he just asked me outside? He told me to give myself to him before I marry Thomas.”
“He said that?”
Penny blushed deepened. “No, not really. But I’m sure that it is what he meant.”
Charmaine shook her head slowly. “I can’t believe Rake would act like this. It’s so selfish and rude, not at all like the person we have always known. He must want you very badly if he has thrown all caution away and haunts you even though you are almost a part of his family.”
“Oh, he wants me badly. But not as his wife, and I’m afraid that’s all I ever want to be. Thomas offers me my heart’s deepest wish. His genuine kindness touches me in a way I never thought possible and makes me feel so full of hope about our future together.”
“But he isn’t Rake.”
“No, but I don’t want Rake. I want Thomas, the perfect, sensible choice.”
“It sounds perfectly sensibly boring. Are you sure this is what you want? What if Rake suddenly changed his mind and asked you to marry him? Would you change your mind then?”
“No.”
Charmaine gave her sister a very doubting look but didn’t stress the matter. “It’s sad, though. You and Rake make such a perfect couple, and it breaks my heart that your wonderful dream never will come true.”
“A dream is just a dream. What I seek now is reality, and I think Thomas will be the perfect man to offer me what I want. And what’s even more important—he will offer me what I desperately need.”
“Love?”
“Serenity.”
Charmaine snorted, showing without words exactly what she thought about such a naïve goal. “Serenity? That’s too bland even for you. I too want a man who loves me and a relationship which will make me feel cherished and safe, but I won’t throw myself away to the first available man who makes me feel at ease.”
This time it was Penny who snorted disrespectfully. “Fanny said just the same thing. I’m not throwing myself away if I accept Thomas’s proposal, if such ever will be offered me. You have to understand that I’m not you. I’m not the incomparable queen of society, who has more beaux than all the other unmarried ladies of the ton together. I don’t have as many choices as you do.”
“Who said I have many choices?”
Charmaine’s voice was unusually small, and Penny frowned as she looked into her sister’s vivid blue eyes. The endless sorrow she saw made her feel uneasy, and she couldn’t help but wonder why a young girl who was supposed to have everything at her pretty feet seemed as pitiful as a bird caught in a cage.
It wasn’t the first time Charmaine had let her ice-queen façade slip when they were alone, but this was the first time she had mentioned being unhappy.
“Charmaine…” Penny didn’t know where to start. How did you ask the most perfect woman in the world what was wrong with her? “Is there something you want to share with me? You have seemed so distracted the last couple of years, and I can see there is something bothering you.”
“There’s nothing bothering me. I’m fine.”
And there was the façade back firmly in place. But this time Penny wasn’t going to give in so easily.
“There is nothing wrong with you at all?”
“No. I’m perfectly fine.”
“Is that so?”
Charmaine’s shiny smile was meant to stun with its loveliness, but Penny was too used to her sister’s beauty to be dazed.
“If you are so fine, why did you then decline Lord Dane’s proposal?”
Charmaine paled, obviously not at all prepared for the intimate question, and it was clear to Penny she had found the sore spot.
Or at least one of them.
“Last year you were over your head in love with Lord Dane. He was all you ever talked about, and we all could see how much he fancied you, too. But out of nowhere you suddenly turned cold against him, and dismissed him most cruelly. What did he do?”
Charmaine twisted a handkerchief between her stressed fingers, forever destroying the delicate lace. “H-he didn’t do anything. I-I just…I grew bored with him. That’s all.”
“I don’t believe you. Lord Dane is anything but boring. He’s one of the most handsome men I’ve met, and had such a lovely kind heart, and he liked you very much. Not your looks, but you. And yet you denied him—and yourself—eternal bliss when you denied him your hand.”
“He wasn’t for me.” The sadness in Charmaine’s eyes were heart-wrenching. “And furthermore, he showed us all just how much he loved me by marrying that Yorkshire heiress one month after he proposed to me. One month. That’s how long his love lasted.”
“But you were no heiress and yet he still wanted you. That had to stand for something. A man like Lord Dane would never…”
“There’s no reason to talk about this anymore,” Charmaine interrupted rudely. “What is done is done and can’t be changed. Yes, I loved Lord Dane with all my heart, but I had no other choice in the end. I had to turn him down. It might have broken my heart, but at least yours is still able to find true love.”
“What has me finding love to do with you not marrying Lord Dane?” Penny frowned at her sister. Charmaine was acting more and more confusing.
“Oh, nothing. Why should it?” Charmaine’s laughter was forced and stiff. “Well, let’s leave Lord Dane to his new wife, and let us continue with the more interesting discussion about you choosing between the righteous Mr. Bedford and the infamous Lord Richard Darling.”
“I’m not choosing between them,” Penny sighed, letting Charmaine’s problem be for now. Her sister’s unwillingness to talk about it was quite obvious, and this wasn’t the moment to pressure her. “I told you, Rake is not an option for me anymore, not even in my dreams. I will instead spend as much time as possible with Thomas to get to know him as well as I possibly can until this time next year.”
“Ah, there you are,” Lady Nester breathed, relieved, as she joined them in the foyer. “Charmaine, I’ve been looking all over for you. Could you please come and help me choose what invitations we shall accept?”
With a disappointed sigh, Charmaine followed their mother back to the salon and left Penny staring unseeingly at the closed door, her thoughts whirling inside her head.
Something was bothering her sister, and it hurt that Charmaine wouldn’t tell her what it was. No one could look so heartbroken over nothing.
And even more strange was the whole Lord Dane affair. Charmaine had not denied him of her own free will, of that Penny was certain. And the more she thought about it, she couldn’t help but think their father was the sole reason why Charmaine still remained unmarried.
Lord Nester loved to brag about how many proposals his oldest daughter had received, and for the first time it dawned on Penny how strange it was that Charmaine could get asked to marry so many times and not even consider it once.
Why?
With one last sigh, Penny followed her mother and sister into the salon, even though her presence hadn’t been requested. As always, pain pricked her heart when she thought about how insignificant she was to her parents, and she became even more determined to get away from this house. She needed to be wanted for her own sake. She desperately wanted someone to miss her enough to come searching for her.
It didn’t matter that everyone found Thomas boring and uninteresting, not as long as she didn’t. For what it was worth, she knew he would miss her.
And that was a good enough reason to consider him as her future husband.
Chapter Six
Sandhurst was showing
its most beautiful side as their carriage slowly rocked down the bustling main street. Everywhere mongers called out to them, offering them good merchandise for the best price.
Children ran to and fro, laughing and playing among the strolling adults who peeked at what was offered to them. As it was harvest time, the market was filled to its brim with food, especially fruit and vegetables, each stall looking more inviting than the next.
Thomas halted the carriage outside the bookseller’s shop and then helped Penny down to the street. He held out his arm with a warm smile and a lighthearted Penny put her gloved hand in the crook of it. Slowly they made their way through the colorful crowd and escaped into the dark and musty-smelling store.
“Can I help you?”
An old man behind a counter looked up at them as they entered, but when he saw it was Thomas he just waved with his hand toward the shelves farther inside the store. Thomas obviously was a known and well-liked face in this shop.
“Come, let me show you. Mr. Wells keeps all the best books in the back. He says I’m the only one who ever is interested in them, as everyone else prefers the much lighter reading material in the front. I come here a lot, and tend to spend many hours among these fascinating creations all alone, without anyone disturbing me. It is truly a shame that no one else realizes what treasure rests in this modest shop.”
Penny turned to the maid who had accompanied her as chaperone and told her to go do the errands her mother had given her. It seemed they were going to spend quite some time in the bookshop, and she didn’t want to waste the young maid’s time. On light, grateful feet the maid disappeared out through the door, not overly upset at being dismissed.
“Look here,” Thomas called out from farther in among the shelves, and Penny followed the sound of his voice until she found him hovering over an ancient-looking book. “This is one of the first books ever printed. Can you see how absolutely perfect it is? The men who did this must have been artists, as it is perfect in every detail.”
Penny let her hand glide over the brittle page and she had to agree, the book was beautiful. “It must be worth a fortune.”
Never Had a Dream Come True Page 5