“You,” she cried, no longer hiding her tears. “You are what is wrong. You can’t stop, can you? You keep telling me how much you want me, and every time I listen to you against my own better judgment you end up hurting me more than I thought was possible.”
She couldn’t stand sitting next to him any more and dashed to the fireplace, where a crackling fire spread its warmth.
“Penny, I don’t understand…”
“Of course you don’t,” she interrupted coldly. “You never understand, do you? You live your happy bachelor life, breaking hearts wherever you go, and you never think twice about it. But I never thought you would do it to me.”
“I have never wanted to break your heart,” he snapped. He was starting to get upset with her, and that suited her just fine. An angry Rake was easier to handle than a confused and oddly vulnerable Rake.
“And yet you just did.”
“How? By telling you I want you? You are probably the only woman in London who would be heartbroken about that!”
“Maybe so. But I’m not brought up to be happy over being asked to become a kept lady.”
“A kept what?” Rake frowned at her.
“May I ask how many other houses you have throughout London with women eagerly waiting for you to spend some time with them in their comfortable beds?”
Rake chuckled as the meaning of her words hit him. “Penny, my darling, you are completely misunderstanding me. I’m not asking you to become one of my mistresses. I simply was…”
“One of?” Penny gasped outraged. “One of? How many mistresses do you have?”
“Penny,” Rake begged. “This is not relevant…”
“Of course it’s relevant. If you want me to become your mistress, I think you at least could be honest enough to tell me how many ladies you visit every month.”
“What if I tell you I haven’t been able to think about anyone else but you since that wonderful moment when I saw you at the lake and finally woke up to realize that you are all I ever wanted?”
“Oh, come on, Rake. I know everything about you. I spent my childhood learning as much about you as I possibly could. You have never once said no to a lady, and you have never once let a no from a lady stand in the way for the challenge she then becomes. You have not once stopped long enough to even consider marrying anyone—or marrying at all—as you are the most confirmed bachelor of your time. Your words, not mine.”
He stood silently, staring at her with dead eyes. She felt her heart respond to the pain she could sense from him, but she hardened herself. He had to learn he couldn’t treat her—or any other woman—the thoughtless way he did.
“I can’t believe this,” Rake whispered hoarsely. “I thought you wanted me.”
“No, I don’t want you. I want a life. I want love and respect. I want a home of my own to fill with children and laughter. I want happiness.”
“What if I want the same?”
“We both know you don’t.” She ignored his broken voice. “It was quite revealing to watch you at the Easton Ball interacting with your friends. That is your place—to flirt, dance, and socialize. It’s not me.”
“All I want is you.”
“And all I want is Thomas.”
Rake took a deep shaky breath before he strode to her and grabbed her hands hard. “Please, Penny, you must listen to me. It’s not Thomas you want, it’s the life you imagine you will have with him. I can give you what you want, if you just let me.”
She looked up into his handsome face, tears streaming down her cheeks as her eyes took in every beloved part of him. “I have loved you with all my heart for eighteen years. Every day and every night I have dreamt about the day you would finally see me and ask me to become your wife. But never once did I dream about you asking me coldly to become one of your mistresses for as long as you wanted to have me.”
“Your dream can still come true.”
“No, it won’t. Because you will never love me the way I want you to. The way I deserve to be loved. Maybe Thomas never will, either, but at least I go into a marriage with him without silly dreams for more. If he wants me, he can have me. I have dreamt about belonging to someone all my life, and if he wants me—it’s enough. It’s all I need.”
With an anguished groan, Rake released her hands and hit his fist hard on the stone mantel of the fireplace. “I can’t believe how stubborn you are. Here I stand in front of you, begging you to let me give you everything you ever dreamt about, and yet you still say you want to give yourself to anyone else who claims they want you?”
“I’ve never wanted to become your mistress.”
“And I have never asked you to.”
This time it was Penny who groaned, outraged.
“Yes, you did. You told me you wanted me, and then you asked me where I would like my house located.”
“For being such an intelligent young woman, you are the most stupid person I have ever met.”
And with those last harsh words, Rake barged out of the salon, leaving Penny in a sad heap of raw emotions.
When Francesca a few minutes later entered the salon, Penny couldn’t hide her devastation and burst into tears. Her friend hugged her closely until Penny’s tears were dried, and she managed to offer a wobbly smile. With great relief Penny told her friend all about Rake, from the meeting at the lake to the scene just minutes before, in the very same salon.
It soothed Penny’s feeling to watch Francesca’s outrage over her uncle’s behavior.
“The bastard,” Francesca growled through her teeth. “The sick, awful, horrible moron.”
Penny couldn’t help but smile through her tears, as Fanny looked ready to kill.
“That evil, selfish…man!”
“I do so agree with you.” Penny sniffed. It felt good, having someone take her side.
For a little while Rake had made her doubt her understanding, as he had seemed more touched by her anger than he would have if he hadn’t cared. But Francesca’s reactions were the same as her own, and even though this was only her side of the story she still felt she had done the right thing.
“Your dream can still come true.”
Rake’s words echoed through her mind, but she closed her ears and her heart.
“He can’t do this. Not to me, and definitely not to you. You are my friend, and this is the worst insult he ever could give either of us.”
Francesca seethed with anger, and it took Penny quite some time to get her to calm down and promise not to do anything about it. Penny didn’t want to be a thorn between Francesca and her uncle. Just because he behaved like a snake toward her didn’t mean he didn’t love and cherish his niece.
Reluctantly Francesca agreed. She too knew there was more than Rake’s behavior toward Penny at stake here, and she loved her uncle too much to destroy their relationship.
“But there is one thing I want to know before I do anything.”
“What?”
“Do you still want him? As a husband?”
Penny didn’t know how to answer the question. Saying no would be telling an outright lie. Of course she still nursed a silly hope of him declaring his undying love for her and ending it with an impassioned marry-me-or-I’ll-die plea.
But saying yes wouldn’t be true either.
“I don’t know, Fanny, really I don’t. If you had asked me an hour ago, I would probably have told you a loud yes, but now I hesitate. He hurt me, and he insulted me in the worst way a man can, as he trampled all my dignity and honor. In a few words he belittled me into nothing.”
Francesca hugged her close, and Penny felt new tears fill her eyes. The love her friend bestowed on her was endless.
“I know, dearest, I know.” Francesca smiled sadly. “Just one thing—promise me that if you change your mind, please do tell me, and I will make sure not to rest until he understands how stupid he is.”
In the carriage on her way home, Penny couldn’t help but feel something had gone terribly wrong this day. Rake ha
d been more honest to her than she ever had seen him before, and he had not tried to hide behind his usual arrogant mask.
Had anything of what he’d said been true?
Was he right when he said she was the one jumping to conclusions? His anger and his pain had seemed honest, but then how could she know? She had believed in true love, and look where it had taken her.
As the carriage halted in front of the Nester townhouse, she came to a decision. She would endure the rest of the Season and try to stay as far away from Rake as she could.
Her tired head and confused heart needed peace, and she would find it only by marrying Thomas. He was a good friend. She didn’t burn for him, but he would never hurt her, either.
And so what, if she would now and then dream about Rake? That dream would never come true anyway.
Chapter Ten
“I don’t want to go.”
Charmaine threw down her napkin with anger, but even she didn’t dare leave the breakfast table before their father had finished the daily paper.
“We will go, as this is quite an honor for our family.” Lord Nester didn’t lift his head to look upon his seething daughter. Instead, he took another sip of tea and turned a page, ignoring her outburst.
“But everyone will be at Almack’s tonight. It is the first ball at the assembly rooms this Season. How can we not be going?”
“If a friend invites you to dinner, you don’t decline. And Lord Bolton is an old friend of mine whom I respect a great deal and don’t want to insult.”
“We have never heard about this Lord Bolton before, so what kind of friend is he?”
Lord Nester lifted his head and gave his older daughter an irritated look that made his wife pale.
“There, there,” she soothed quickly. “If your father has decided this is best for us, we will of course honor his wish.”
“Mother,” Charmaine whined, but Penny could see that her sister too caught their mother’s subtle warning.
“You will like him,” Lord Nester said, and it sounded more like an order than information. “Lord Bolton is the richest man in Essex, where I grew up, and we were very good friends when we were children. Adult life has kept us apart, and that’s why I was so delighted when I received his invitation.”
“But, Father…” Penny frowned as something nagged her. “I thought you—as all other Earls of Nester—grew up at Harveyfield?”
“I wasn’t born the heir,” her father admitted curtly. “But when an accident took my predecessor’s life, I was by that time the next in line and inherited the title and the small holdings. Not much to celebrate, though. Harveyfield is such a meager house, and the title has neither land nor wealth. I had a better life before I became the Earl of Nester.”
“But who is your heir?” Charmaine asked, not able to pretend disinterest.
Lord Nester shrugged. “Some distant cousin. I don’t know his name and have certainly never met him. I’m not going to be around when he takes over the place, so I really don’t care.”
“But what will happen with us if you should die?”
“Penny, stop asking all these questions. They make my head hurt. It’s too early in the morning.”
Angrily the earl threw down the paper on the table, bumping over the teapot as he did so. As its hot contents spread over the table, he stomped out of the room without a backward glance, and they could hear his footsteps echoing down the hall to his study.
After ringing for the maid to clean up the mess on the table and helping to put things to rights again, Lady Nester sank back into her chair as the last vestiges of the upset were carried out. She gave her daughters a firm look. “You two have to learn to stop in time when it comes to your father. You know he has a problem with his temper, and I thought you knew better by now.”
“But, Mama…” Charmaine had trouble letting the subject of the dinner party go. “I want to go to Almack’s. All my beaux will be there, and if I’m not there they might find someone else to court.”
“Your father informed me that he has admired Lord Bolton since they were children, and to him this is one of the best things to ever happen to him. Please humor him. Let him have this evening, and then we can go on with our lives again. I don’t know why we have received this dinner invitation, but I can guess it has something to do with Lord Bolton’s third wife, who just passed away. She was quite young, I understand.”
“Oh, lord,” Charmaine breathed. “Do you think he wants to marry one of us?”
“Your father, who is quite proud of you, has probably been telling his friend all about his exceptional daughters, and now Lord Bolton wants to see for himself.”
Penny rolled her eyes but kept silent. Her father hadn’t told Lord Bolton about his two exceptional daughters. He had told him about his one exceptional daughter—Charmaine.
“But what if he wants one of us?”
“Your father will never marry you off to some old man, no matter how rich he is. As I understand it, Lord Bolton is not only one of the richest men in Essex, he is also one of the most tight-fisted. Your father won’t gain anything by such a marriage, and therefore there won’t be one.”
“But what if he offers father money?”
Lady Nester gave her daughter a patronizing smile. “Even then he won’t let either of you two go. Charmaine, you know he has bigger plans for you, and when it comes to you, Penny, he promised the Duchess of Berkeley to keep you for Thomas Bedford, and he is too impressed by her to dare to go against her.”
“But, Mama…”
“Charmaine, no. This is enough. Now let us all go to our rooms and choose what to wear tonight. Humor your father and try to look your very best.”
And with those last words their mother left the table and proceeded through the door.
Charmaine gave Penny a can-you-believe-how-stupid-they-are-look before she remembered she wasn’t talking to her younger sister and followed their mother upstairs.
Penny too went up to her room and the rest of the day she spent on her bed reading. Not until she heard her father call for the carriage did she change her dress and quickly put some pins in her honey-colored hair.
Why bother with more? No one ever was interested in her, and after what she’d heard about Lord Bolton she knew he was interested in one thing and one thing alone—Charmaine.
As soon as they arrived at their host’s magnificent townhouse he proved her right. Lord Bolton took one look at Charmaine and practically drooled. His eyes never left her, and his not so subtle admiration made Lord Nester most irritated, although he didn’t say anything but merely twiddled his fingers in a way Penny had come to recognize as a sign of his agitation.
Lord Bolton was of the same age as her father, but he looked more than twenty years older. He had to use a walking stick when he moved around, and she guessed he suffered from gout or some other painful sickness like it.
Dinner was a horrible event, with Lord Bolton ignoring everyone but Charmaine while she tried to move as far away from him as possible. Penny sank deeper and deeper into her chair, silently hoping their father soon would grow tired of their host’s unfriendly behavior and whisk his family home again.
After dinner, Lord Nester ushered his three ladies out of the dining room so he and Lord Bolton could have their port alone, and a mean-looking butler led them to another luxurious salon.
Not until they had finished three cups of tea did the door fly open, and Lord Nester barged in.
“We are leaving immediately. Please get your coats and wait for me in the carriage.”
Charmaine squealed with delight and rushed out from the room, closely followed by her just-as-delighted mother. As Penny was about to leave also, her father closed the door, then turned and looked at her coldly.
“I need to talk to you in private, Penny. Please sit down.”
Filled with sudden dread, Penny returned to the sofa. Something in her father’s cold stance made her shiver with fear, and she tangled her fingers together to sto
p her hands from shaking.
“You are not going home with us today.” Lord Nester paced in front of the door, looking more like a guard on duty than a father talking to his daughter. “Lord Bolton is in desperate need of an heir and has decided he wants Charmaine for a wife. I hope you understand that I will never let anyone like him get his hands on your sister.”
Faint with relief, Penny nodded. This was not about her, this was about her sister. Her father needed her help, and she would of course do anything to save her sister from having to marry someone as horrible as Lord Bolton.
“Lord Bolton was not pleased when I told him this, and to my surprise he…he started to threaten me and said he would have you and me and your mother locked in while he had his way with Charmaine and thus he would secure her as his wife.”
“Oh, Father,” Penny breathed, shocked.
“Luckily enough, I happened to remember something from our childhood, something I know he wouldn’t want to become common knowledge. So, as he still wouldn’t give up his plans, I made him a bargain he couldn’t refuse. I know how much he loves young girls, and I instead offered to let him take you off my hands. In that way we can save Charmaine’s virtue and future. To my great surprise and gratefulness, Lord Bolton liked this bargain, and in response I have promised to never mention again what he did to that young girl in our youth.”
Penny stared open-mouthed at her father, not believing her ears. Was he about to give her away to save Charmaine? She was his daughter too. She must have misunderstood him completely.
“Father, you can’t be serious. You can’t leave me here. I don’t want to marry Lord Bolton. I’m promised to Thomas Bedford, as you are well aware.”
“Who said anything about marriage?” Lord Nester sneered as he leaned over her, forcing her to press backwards into the sofa. “You are to stay and let Lord Bolton have his way with you in any way he pleases. Then, when he is finished with you, you can write me a letter. I will send a carriage for you, which will take you to that small estate I have in Wales, where you will spend the rest of your life. You will never hear from us again, and you must promise never to contact us in any way.”
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