The duchess and her little speech about not giving up had helped Penny a lot in her rocky climb back to life, but not in the way it was intended.
The loving mother was gently trying to nudge Penny to open up toward Rake and not let his stubbornness destroy their chance of happiness. But Penny knew the story between herself and Rake would never end happily. It had been an easy thing for Her Grace to follow His Grace around, relentlessly trying to persuade him into admitting he loved her, as he was a man who never would sink to the level of asking her to become his mistress.
The problem for Penny was that Rake had.
And if she followed him around out of a silly hope it would make him love her, she would sooner or later—probably sooner—end up in his bed. She had no strength against him, and if she happened to get too close to him without an audience he wouldn’t let it stop at a mere kiss.
And, as she once had told Charmaine, she knew if he ever did change his mind and marry her, he wouldn’t stay satisfied for long. She would soon be lonelier than ever, while he rummaged through the ton, once again bedding every woman who looked at him twice.
Rake might be the true love of her life, but it didn’t mean she was blind to what he was. The wicked, arrogant libertine was, after all, such a big part of him and, ridiculously, also one of the things she adored about him. Not the libertine part, of course, but his twinkling eyes, the amused voice, and the constant teasing. He had a wonderful way with words, and he had more than once driven his family crazy with his illogical logic.
Rake might be every woman’s dream because of his dashing looks and wicked grin, but that was not why she loved him. For her, it was the Rake at Chester Park who had set her heart on fire.
The family man.
She loved the way he respected his father and brothers. She adored how he let his mother nag about this and that without ever cutting her off, how he let her kiss and hug him even though he was his own man.
But most of all it was the Rake who had let two little girls follow him around without ever uttering one word of complaint. Even when he was on the verge of adulthood and they interrupted his flirt with some young woman he didn’t get vexed. Instead, he laughed, sent the indignant prospect away, and went swimming in the lake with them.
“James!” The duchess’s happy voice cut through Penny’s thoughts as they joined the rest of the family in the salon for afternoon tea. “I didn’t know you had arrived from London. Did all go well in the end with our happy couple?”
Jamie, Rake’s twin brother, hugged his mother close and gave Penny a quick peck on the forehead. “It all ended perfectly. Fanny is disgustingly happy, and the only one who can even come close to her extraordinary happiness is that silly husband of hers.”
“How lovely to hear. All’s well that ends well.”
Penny ignored the pointed look in her direction and went to the tea table. Most of the Darling family had now returned from London and would stay at Chester Park until it was time for next year’s Season in April, only leaving occasionally for a visit with friends or extended family.
The only ones missing were Francesca’s closest family and Rake. The other five Darling brothers all sat in the salon, chatting and teasing, a normal Darling meal.
“It’s lovely weather outside. Would you like to accompany me on the terrace?”
Penny looked up into Jamie’s silvery grey eyes, of a much lighter shade than Rake’s smoky ones, and she nodded, letting him lead the way. He must have something on his mind, and she knew better than to try to avoid him. The Darling men could be quite obnoxious when set on a mission, and it was better to stay put and pretend to listen than to hide and hope you weren’t found.
As she put her hand on his arm, she couldn’t help noticing how different Jamie and Rake were, despite being twins. The other pair of twins, Edward and William, one year older than these youngest brothers, were replicas of each other and hard to tell apart.
With Jamie and Rake, on the other hand, it was easy to tell they were brothers, as they both looked much like their father, but where Rake had darker coloring with his dark brown hair and smoky grey eyes, Jamie was much lighter, almost silvery in his coloring.
His too-long hair was tied with a leather strap and hung down his back like a thick silver snake. His dark eyebrows emphasized his light grey eyes in such a way they shone.
Her mother had once said she thought Jamie’s eyes were wolf-like, cold and ruthless. But Penny knew better. Jamie was one of the kindest, most thoughtful men of her acquaintance.
It was a beautiful September afternoon, and the sun warmed them as they sat down on the small terrace outside the open French doors. Surrounded by the last roses of summer, it was almost as if they had stepped into a bottle of perfume.
“I haven’t seen you for a while, Penny, but I must say I’m glad you look so much better than the last time I saw you. It’s almost like having the old you back, only prettier than ever.”
“Thank you.” She blushed over the unexpected compliment. “I feel better.”
“I know we are not to ask you about what happened to you, so you don’t have to worry about me pressuring you for answers. But I do want to ask you one thing, and I hope you won’t think less of me for doing so.”
She looked into his eyes, which seemed much older than his years. Jamie had, together with his uncle Harry and his cousin Lee, joined the army and gone off to deal with that upstart Napoleon. Penny knew he had come home a changed man, a broken man. His refusal to tell anyone what had happened during his time in France had hurt his family deeply, but the one who had been most upset had been Rake, his twin brother.
Once Jamie had been almost as wicked and unstoppable as Rake, but since his return he hardly looked at women and avoided most of his peers as much as he could.
If anyone knew not to ask too much, it was Jamie, and she nodded to let him continue.
“What is it with you and Rake?”
The question took her by surprise, and she stared at him, openmouthed. She had been prepared for any question regarding her night at Lord Bolton’s. Now she was completely caught off guard.
“Don’t act so surprised, Penny dear. You two have been acting like two fighters since last summer, circling each other with your fists raised.”
She didn’t know what to say or where to begin. The question might be a single sentence, but the answer was much longer.
“I know my brother,” Jamie continued, “and he’s not a man to hurt women. Honestly, his problem has always been keeping them off him. But the way you two act around each other… Let’s just say I’m not sure what to think anymore. I have tried to talk to Rake, but he just snaps at me to put my nose back where it belongs, and since I have been shutting him out, well, you could say I’m not in a very good position to pressure him for an answer. This is why I come to you, because you are the other side of this, and maybe you could ease my fears a bit.”
“What is between me and Rake has nothing to do with anything he has done,” Penny assured him, and she could see how his shoulders started to relax a bit. “We have a difference of opinion in a matter close to my heart, and as neither of us wants to give in, I’m afraid it has become quite an obstacle between the two of us.”
“This is indeed a mystery. You say there is nothing more than a verbal disagreement between the two of you, and yet he behaves as if he has nothing left to live for. The old Rake used to live life to its full, but this new Rake…Penny, it’s like he doesn’t care anymore.”
Penny wrung the delicate fabric of her skirt between her fingers. “Jamie, I don’t think this is about me. The last time I spoke to Rake was in April, before the night when I…when I arrived at your townhouse in such an unorthodox manner.”
“Are you sure?”
She nodded. “I am. I have avoided him as much as possible since. Well, not only him. I have avoided most of you.”
“Hasn’t he tried to talk to you at all? He was constantly nagging the rest of us for
months about you and what possibly could have happened to you.”
“He tried to talk to me a couple of times in the beginning, but I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I wanted only to be left alone.”
“You told him that?”
“Of course I did. I said the same to anyone who tried to corner me.”
“But did you tell him to leave you alone?”
“I might have. Honestly, I don’t remember. It’s such a hazy part of my life.”
The frown on Jamie’s forehead became deeper. “There is something I’m missing here, something of great importance.”
“I wish I could offer you more help.” Penny smiled with sincere apology.
Jamie shook his head, frustrated. “This drives me crazy. Really it does. You haven’t been to London during the last part of the Season and seen him, so you don’t know how outrageously he has been behaving. At first we didn’t think much of it. Rake has always been the ladies’ man, and seeing him surrounded by eager women has always been a normal picture. But lately…”
Jamie’s voice trailed off, and Penny found herself waiting for him to continue, with an uneasy feeling in her whole body. What had Rake done?
“He’s always been a gentleman about his women and behaved with discretion. Before, it used to be quite difficult to figure out who his current mistress was, as he never let any special interest show, both because of the need for privacy and to honor the lady in question. Now it’s like he doesn’t care who he hurts or who knows about his escapades. He has been acting in the worst way, and it’s rumored he has been dueling a couple of times, too, because of some angry husbands with tender toes.” Jamie sighed deeply, his frustration clear. “The Rake I know and love would never behave like this. Something is terribly wrong with him, and I’m desperate to help him, if I only knew how to.”
He gave her a look worthy of a puppy, still hoping for her to enlighten him.
“I’m sorry,” she breathed. “I didn’t know, and I can understand your concern. I too know this is not the Rake we all know and…”
She caught herself before she let out the word “love,” but Jamie noticed, and a small amused smile flew over his full lips like a memory from the days when his heart wasn’t as troubled.
“Anyway,” she continued quickly to hide her embarrassment, “I wish I could help you with Rake, I really do, but as I said, I have hardly seen him.”
“And yet you two are in full disagreement over something?”
She blushed as he lifted an eyebrow. Jamie had a way of seeing straight through a person and hardly ever missed the right conclusion. “Our disagreement has nothing to do with his behavior, I assure you.”
“May I ask what you are disagreeing about?”
She shook her head and blushed, and he chuckled knowingly in response, which made her turn even redder.
“I think you are quite wrong, Penny dear. You two obviously have had a lovers’ quarrel, and now he’s rebelling because of it.”
“It’s not a lovers’ quarrel.”
“No?”
She frowned at him, and he gave her another amused smile, obviously not believing her at all.
“There is no love between Rake and me.”
“Oh, come on, Penny, I’m Rake’s twin brother and we have a very special bond. I don’t know what’s in his head, but I know what’s in his heart, and I can tell you one thing—he wants you badly.”
“I know he wants me,” she snorted. “He has told me as much.”
Jamie stared at her open-mouthed. “He has?”
“Why, yes. He has been quite frank about it, too.”
“B-but…” Jamie looked as bewildered as he felt. “Why aren’t you two living happily ever after, then? Why are you hiding here at Chester Park, slowly withering away, while he is in London breaking every rule there ever was?”
“Because life isn’t like a fairytale, and everything I have been through this past year has shown me more than anything how dreams never come true. Until now I have spent most of my life yearning for the moment when Rake would look at me and really see me. And you know what? When he finally did, he asked me most sincerely to become his mistress. Not wife—mistress.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“It’s the truth.”
“You are a friend of the family; of course he wouldn’t ask you to become his mistress. It would not only be most disrespectful to you but also to the rest of us who care deeply for you. You must have misunderstood.”
“I’m sorry, Jamie.”
“I can’t believe you. I can’t.”
She put her hand over his where it rested on the bench. “Then don’t believe me. I don’t mind.”
He sighed, a deep heavy sigh from the bottom of his heart. “Of course I believe you. It’s just that it’s not like Rake to behave like this. Now you have me more worried than before. So he’s not trying to ruin his own life only, he has been after yours, as well? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Everything can’t always make sense.”
“No, indeed not.” Jamie laughed bitterly. “But I’m a practical man, and I have a thing for making things at least seem to make sense. It soothes me.”
He stood and took a few steps toward the French doors before he hesitated and looked back down at her where she sat on the bench. “I’m sorry to hear he never asked you to marry him. I would have loved to have you for a sister.”
Before she had a chance to reply, he disappeared into the salon, where his family still drank their afternoon tea.
This was indeed a day of revelations.
First the duchess, who had more or less forced her to drag herself up from the hidey-hole she had created. And now there was Jamie, who had emerged from his own cave and revealed his deep concern for Rake. She wouldn’t be honest if she said she didn’t care, because she did. Her heart was filled with jealousy—mixed with worry over his careless behavior amongst the ton.
The mere thought of him cornering another woman with his dark eyes filled with lust made her want to scream. Jamie’s words had tortured her, and the lump in her throat threatened to strangle her.
Laughter from inside the castle broke through to her clouded mind, and she shook the thoughts of Rake away. He had made his choice the day he asked her to become his mistress, and what she had left now was to find someone who wouldn’t mind marrying a young lady with a possibly bad reputation.
Thomas’s image rose before her, and she closed her eyes as the obstruction in her throat slowly vanished. All her life she had only had one wish—to belong to someone who wanted her; someone who needed her.
If Thomas still wanted to marry her after hearing what she had lived through, she would know without a doubt that she had found the right man to fulfill her dreams.
Chapter Twelve
“I’ve been waiting for you to send for me, and I must admit I am glad you finally did.”
Penny blushed as she looked up into Thomas’s warm brown eyes. The honest admiration with which he showered her was like manna for her tarnished soul.
“Me too,” she admitted shyly.
A playful wind tossed his blond hair, and unconsciously he lifted a bronzed hand and tried to straighten it, but only succeeded in tousling it a bit more.
“Please indulge me. What did you think of your first Season in London, now when you have seen it with your own two eyes?”
“It was quite fascinating at first, I assure you. I found it most entertaining to watch how everyone interacted with each other.”
“Really?” he drawled as he opened his eyes as wide as he possible could in feigned surprise. “You found it interesting and entertaining? Do tell me—who are you, and what have you done with Penny?”
She put a hand in front of her mouth to hide the smile which escaped her.
He was such a dear, dear man. He held himself high above everything that was the essence of the social life of the ton, and she couldn’t admire him more for it, especially now when she’d h
ad her own share of the Season and found it much less appealing than she had dreamt about when she was younger.
Slowly she crossed the terrace and sat down on the low wall surrounding it. She patted the stone next to her invitingly and, as a gentleman should, he sat down on the offered spot.
“What a lovely day it is today.” He lifted his face toward the blue sky and the golden sun. “It’s hard to imagine we had early snow at this time last year.”
Inside Chester Park, on the other side of the French doors leading out to the terrace, the Duchess of Berkeley fought with her embroidery. She was the best of chaperones, Penny thought, as the understanding lady had chosen a chair on the other side of the salon, as far away from the young couple as possible yet still keeping them in view. There was no mistaking her approval, as she turned her side to them and let them interact without her watching their every move.
Penny blinked away the tears which blurred her vision. The love she felt for that older lady inside was overwhelming, and she knew she would never be able to express the extent of the gratitude she felt for the love and trust bestowed on herself.
“Her Grace is one of the most kindhearted ladies I know,” Thomas said softly as he followed her gaze to their not-so-attentive chaperone. “I have always held her very high in esteem and, if you don’t mind my honest words, I have to admit I’m quite glad you have such a close relationship with a lady of her heart.”
Penny’s heart skipped a beat.
There was no mistake in what was going on. Thomas was on the verge of proposing to her. The panic which shivered through her was a surprise—wasn’t this what she wanted? Then why was her first spontaneous thought to run as far away from him as she possibly could?
A few deep breaths later she had managed to calm herself enough to erase the last bit of panic.
She wanted this.
She wanted Thomas.
The sudden fear must have been the last of her silly childhood dreams recognizing this was a road of no regrets—if she chose to accept this proposal, she was never going to fulfill those dreams. But hadn’t she already realized that life could be just as good even though one didn’t follow one’s deepest wish?
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