Tanner stood and walked to within inches of Tucker. “Who the hell said it was any of your business what I do?”
“When you’re about to break Mother’s heart a second time, I make it my business.”
“You’re a fine one to talk! What about Beth? You’ve been out there dancing with every female within the last fifty miles and left her sitting alone.” Tanner grabbed Tucker by the front of his shirt. “She doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
“Get your damn hands off of me—right now. I’m treating her just fine.”
“The hell you are.” Tanner threw the first punch, hitting his brother smack in the nose, popping his head back. A surprised look appeared on Tucker’s face. “If you didn’t want to marry her, why in the hell did you send for her? You don’t deserve a woman like Beth.”
“You bastard, you hit me!” Tucker charged his brother, knocking him to the ground.
Tanner felt his body slam into the earth along with a fist to his rib cage. They were throwing punches, scuffling on the ground trying to get the advantage, when the barn door opened and Travis walked in.
“What in the hell is going on here?” he questioned. He pulled Tanner off Tucker and held him at bay. “Why are you two trying to kill one another?”
Tucker stood and brushed the dirt off his pants, sending his older brother a glare. “Ask him. He’s been acting strange all night. Then I came in here and caught him saddling a horse, leaving again.”
Travis glanced at Tanner. “Is that true? You were going to sneak off again?”
“I wasn’t sneaking off, I was riding out tonight.”
“In the middle of the party that Mother threw for your homecoming and welcoming Beth you were going to leave?” Travis asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, I was,” Tanner said shaking loose from his older brother.
“Your timing is lousy, Tanner,” Travis spat.
“Well, my baby brother doesn’t know how to take care of a woman. He’s been dancing all night with everyone else but Beth.” Tanner’s voice rose. “Why in the hell did you send for her if you didn’t want to marry her?”
Tucker picked up his hat and dusted it off. “You explain it to him, Travis. I’ve got to go before I beat the shit out of him again.”
Chapter Thirteen
Tanner felt the blood trickling from his nose and put a hand up to wipe it away. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten into a scuffle with one of his brothers. But sometime while Tanner was gone, Tucker had certainly learned how to throw a punch.
“Come into the tack room. We need to clean you up before you go off anywhere,” Travis said, carrying the lantern into a small room off to the left.
Tanner felt like a boy again as he obediently followed Travis, the memory of other fights returning with a pang to his bruised ego, times when Travis had patched him up when he’d gotten into a fray with either his brother or another kid.
The room was filled with reins, bridles, and cinches hung from the wall. In the center of the room was a worktable with a couple of chairs scattered about.
Travis pulled out a chair. “Sit,” he commanded.
Tanner sat in the chair, watching his brother, tilting his head back to keep the blood from dripping. He wanted to get on his horse and ride as fast and as far away as possible. He wanted to run from the sight of Beth and Tucker together, to escape from the jealousy that was eating away at him inside.
Tucker had what Tanner wanted, and there was nothing he could do to change the situation.
Travis sat the lantern down on the table and reached up into a cabinet. He pulled out a bowl, a small tin of salve and some bandages, and laid them on the table.
From a metal bucket sitting nearby, he poured a small amount of water into the bowl. “Wash the dust from your face.”
“My damn nose is bleeding. I can’t.”
Pulling out the other chair, Travis sat down at the table. He dipped a rag into the water and handed it to his younger brother. “Here, hold this against your nose.”
Tanner took the rag and held it to his bloody nose.
“So, you’re leaving tonight?” Travis asked.
“Yes,” Tanner said suspiciously. His brother was going to try to talk him out of leaving, but there was nothing Travis could do to stop him. He was leaving, he had to get away.
“Why so suddenly?” Travis asked, sitting across from Tanner. He leaned back and propped his ankle on top of his knee.
“Just felt it was time to go,” Tanner said, handing the bloody rag back to his brother.
Travis shrugged, as if it meant nothing that Tanner was leaving.
“Well, you’re a man. It’s not like the last time you snuck off, when you weren’t old enough to make that decision. This time you can come and go when you please. You might want to wipe your face down; it still looks streaked.” Travis handed him another wet rag. “So, will we ever see you again?”
Tanner glanced at his older brother, surprised by the question. “Yes, I’ll come home occasionally.”
“When you admitted you hadn’t intended to come home this time, I wondered if, when you left, you would ever return,” Travis explained, leaning his chair back and gazing at his brother.
“I’ll be back.”
Tanner sensed that his brother’s brown eyes were fixed on him and felt as if he were being examined.
“What? Why are you staring at me?”
“Nothing,” Travis said. “You’ve changed. I knew the war would change you, but I never realized how much. I guess we’re different, too, but you’re not the same kid that left.”
“I’m ten years older. I’ve seen a lot of things . . .”
“Yeah, I’m sure you’ve seen things you probably never want to remember. You’re different, and I guess we’re all still adjusting to the changes.”
He handed Tanner some salve. “Here, put this on your knuckles. You scratched them up pretty bad.”
“You and Tucker are different, too,” Tanner said, taking the salve and smoothing it over the back of his hand. Travis shrugged. “I’m sure we are. Mother’s older.” "Nothing has remained the same,” Tanner said, his voice rough.
“No. I guess it hasn’t,” Travis said. “We all grew up while you were gone.”
An uncomfortable silence stretched between the brothers; there was so much that needed to be said, that Tanner knew he couldn’t say.
Tanner glanced down at his red knuckles. “I better be going.”
“Be sure to tell Mother goodbye before you leave. I know she’s going to be upset.”
“Of course. And I’ll try to send you a message ever so often,” Tanner said brusquely “Let you know where I’m at.”
“That would be good. Mother wouldn’t worry quite as much. Also, if something should happen to her, I’d have a way of finding you. She is getting up in years, you know.”
Tanner glanced at his older brother. Did he keep mentioning their mother so he’d feel guilty leaving them all behind once again?
“Look, I realize I’m different. But I didn’t have much choice in changing.”
“Yeah, I guess war does that to a man.” Travis stared across the table at him. “But I can’t help but wonder what besides the war has caused you to change? Where have you been these last ten years besides fighting for the Confederate army? What kept you from returning to us, before now?”
Tanner resisted the urge to put his head in his hands. He wanted to confide in his brother, tell him all the things he’d done, but he couldn’t. His past was his own to deal with, and he wasn’t about to inform his family of what had happened or the ugliness he’d taken part in.
He shrugged nonchalantly as if it meant nothing when actually it meant everything. “I couldn’t return.”
“You know, Tanner, we all worried when you didn’t come home. We didn’t know what to do, whether we should have a funeral or just keep hoping for the day that you came home.” Travis dusted some dirt from his pants and then glance
d back up at Tanner. “But now you’re back, and we’re damn happy that you’re here with us, regardless that you’re different. You’re safe, you’re alive, and you’ve come home.”
“I. . .I’ve been surprised you all welcomed me back,” Tanner said, his voice soft.
“Why? You’re still a member of this family.”
“I didn’t think you would want to see me again.”
“We all prayed that you would come home safe and sound.” Travis shook his head. “We’ll still be here if and when you ever decide to rejoin us.”
Tanner swallowed. It was true they had accepted him with open arms and he was the one holding back. But he was still an outlaw, and sooner or later it was going to catch up with him. And then there was Beth. How much more of watching her and Tucker could he take?
Travis took a deep breath. “Whether you decide to stay or go is up to you.” He paused and stood up, stretching. “I’m going back out and join the crowd. I hope you’ll stay at least until the morning, when we can give you a decent sendoff.”
Tanner watched as his brother put his hat on.
“Now, I’m going to go find my wife and make her dance with me again.” Travis extended his hand and gripped his younger brother’s in a handshake. “Goodbye.”
He walked out of the bam, leaving Tanner to make the decision of whether to stay or go.
Damn it! Travis still had this effect on him. He’d always made Tanner feel as if he were misbehaving whenever he was considering doing something questionable. Though Travis was different than when they were younger, he still could make you think twice. He still could make you feel irresponsible.
Tanner threw out the bowl of dirty water. He guessed he did owe Tucker an apology. But the oddest thing was, he really didn’t want to leave. Somehow tonight, sitting here with Travis and even fighting with Tucker, had made him feel as if he’d come home.
It was the damnedest thing, but suddenly he knew this was where he was meant to be, where he belonged and he didn’t want to leave.
Still, there was the situation with Beth and Tucker. How much longer could he watch the two of them, without saying something? How much longer could he keep his hands off his brother’s intended?
***
Beth lay curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed, facing the window. The sliver of the moon peeked in through the glass panes, and she watched as die breeze lifted the curtains in the open window.
She couldn’t sleep. Tonight’s events had left her restless and worried as she’d watched Tanner and Tucker— and compared the two men without intending to. And now sleep was as distant as the Georgia shoreline from the Texas plains.
The party had broken up sometime after midnight, and even now a group of people were camped out on the edge of the front yard, sleeping in their wagons, waiting for dawn to take them home.
She’d had a good time until Tanner had announced he would soon be leaving. Though she knew she shouldn’t be thinking about him, he refused to disappear from her mind. She kept telling herself it would be for the best if he were gone. She could concentrate on Tucker and try to forget the way Tanner made her feel.
But her mind refused to let him go. She should be glad; instead she only felt miserable.
That one night in his arms had made her feel things she’d never thought were possible. She hadn’t planned on experiencing passion, she’d never dreamed of feeling complete, of being totally satisfied, after a man’s possession of her body.
She’d planned only on getting married to a faceless man whom she’d never met, with no passion, no excitement, nothing but the security he could provide her. Now Tanner had completely ruined her safe situation, engaging emotions she had never believed in until he came into her life.
The thought of sharing a bed with Tucker was not what she had anticipated, and she could only blame that on Tanner. If he had not shown her passion, she wouldn’t be missing it now. She wouldn’t have expectations that she feared Tucker could never fulfill or desire feelings for the man she was to marry that were not possible.
If she had met Tucker first and he had awakened her passion, they might have had a congenial marriage. Beth didn’t know, but she wasn’t drawn to Tucker as she was to Tanner; there was no urgency to be near him, no restlessness when he was around.
Only with Tanner did she have such feelings, and they were wrong. Tanner was not her intended; he was not the man she was going to marry; she’d already experienced being with him in the flesh.
She sighed. Tucker wanted a wife, a mother for his children. She was going to be that woman, that person who would be by his side, caring for his children, taking care of his home. She would be all that and nothing more.
But suddenly the thought of spending the rest of her life with a man she didn’t have at least some feelings for seemed so cold, so lonely. She sighed and rolled over, punching her pillow.
She was crazy to even think these thoughts. Her life, her very livelihood, depended on her marrying. For if she didn’t, she would be forced to find a job, and they were few and far between for a woman like herself.
This was not how she’d imagined her life when she’d left Georgia; it was not what she’d expected. But now the thought of marriage to a man who didn’t love her, didn’t want her or even desire her, seemed so cold. But, that was exactly what she’d expected when she’d left her home behind.
Tucker had not been the most attentive suitor tonight. In fact, since she had arrived she’d never felt any sense of personal closeness from him. But she kept reminding herself that she shouldn’t expect any tender emotions from him. They were just marrying because it was convenient to each of them. So why was she suddenly having trouble accepting the way they felt about one another?
Because his kiss, compared to Tanner’s, left her unexcited. Because when he’d put his lips to hers this evening while they were dancing, she’d felt absolutely nothing.
And the worst part: He was a perfectly nice man who probably had turned the heads of many women tonight. But for Beth there was nothing but the feel of his lips against hers, two body parts rubbing against one another that had failed to create any sort of pleasure. And somehow Beth felt as if she were the one at fault.
Though it was summer, she shivered and tugged the covers up higher.
Why had she expected to feel anything? Their relationship was based on an agreement, nothing emotional or physical, just a few letters they had exchanged an ad placed in the paper she had responded to in the hopes that marrying would solve her financial situation.
God she was so tired of everything in life, of it being so difficult and of the many choices that seemed so irreversible.
Tanner was leaving soon, and Tucker’s kisses had failed to move her. What had she done? Promised herself to a man when all she really wanted was his brother.
***
A heavy morning mist hung over the cemetery like a blanket, covering the headstones. It was early, first light to be exact, but Tanner had walked up the small hill to pay his respects to the man buried there.
It wasn’t as if he believed he was actually there on the plot of land, but it was the only place he felt comfortable in talking to a dead man, even though the man had been his father.
He found the grave among other friends and family who were buried in the small cemetery. Vines grew thick covering the graves, shielding them from the hot Texas sun.
Gazing at the date chiseled on the marker, a sense of futility overwhelmed him. The years had sped by, and his father had been dead for over two years. Tanner could have come home and seen him, could have been reunited with his family. But he had let his fear and shame, not to mention his stubborn pride, keep him away from the people who loved him. He had refused to face his father and admit that he had been right; there was nothing heroic about killing. War was hell.
The sun peeked over the eastern horizon, casting its rays on the layers of mist, chasing them away like ghostly wood nymphs. Soon the heat from the sun would c
lear the haze away, but the graves would remain protected by the tall oaks and the entwining vines.
His hat was in his hands as he stared at the tombstone, the words he so badly needed to say lodged in his throat. Even though his father was dead, it was so terribly hard to admit that he’d made a huge mistake and had paid dearly with the complications in his life.
He cleared his throat. “Hi, Papa. I’ve come home.”
Only the sound of the wind answered him as a breeze blew through the leaves of the oak trees. “I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier, when you were still alive. Guess I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” He lifted his eyes to the trees above and swallowed hard. “Guess I thought you’d always be here.”
A bird began to trill a song in a nearby oak, and for a moment Tanner was tempted to walk away. This was crazy, talking to a tombstone. Someone would think he’d gone absolutely mad if they saw or heard him.
But he didn’t leave. He simply stood there, listening to the wind stirring on the hillside. “You know, Papa, sometimes it’s hard to admit when we’re wrong, when we’ve made a mistake.”
His throat clogged up with tears as he thought of the morning he and Carter snuck off to go to war. So much like this morning, when he was considering leaving again. “You were right about the war, Papa. It was hell. There was nothing heroic about killing men like myself and watching people you know die.”
A tear splashed on his hand, and he raised his eyes to the sky, hoping it was rain he felt falling on his cheeks. But the blue sky shone brightly on him as he glanced up.
“It’s just me now. Carter—he didn’t come home with me. War can do so many things to your mind, to your soul. You tried to warn me, but I refused to listen.” Tanner dropped to one knee beside the grave and hung his head. His shoulders shook as he let the tears roll down his cheeks. “You see, I should be there with you, and Carter should be here. He was the brave one, the decent one, and now he’s gone.”
The Outlaw Takes A Bride (The Burnett Brides) Page 18