by C. L. Bevill
No matter how hard Bubba looked, he couldn’t see anyone who obviously screamed federal agent or career terrorist, and he was looking. Nor could he see anyone who obviously screamed, “I killed John J. Johnson the Third in the bathroom on Monday with a candlestick, er, I mean a .40 caliber weapon!”
Bubba thought that one had probably something to do with the other. How could it be otherwise, but everyone had denied it, including Peterson, so how could that be?
The DJ let “Funkytown” die away and put on “Private Eyes” by Hall & Oates.
Bam Bam checked his watch, and Bubba wondered if the evening was going to be some kind of big old bust. He suspected it would be because what kind of criminal would appear at a location that was clearly doing something new and unusual? The guy probably drove up as close as he could get to Bazooka Bob’s, saw the ginormous crowd, and fled back to South America while he giggled and ate a caramel-covered churro from the food truck.
Should have gotten another churro, Bubba thought. Bet Willodean would like another one. He crossed his arms over his chest and listened to Dan telling Bam Bam that his wife was coming back soon, and he was glad that she’d missed this. “Trixiebelle hates the idea of me coming to Bazooka Bob’s on account of Dreama working here. She gave me a pamphlet on tattoo removal on account on that tattoo of Dreama’s name on my sit-upon. There’s them other five women’s names, too. Don’t know how Buddha feels about laser removal, but one of them tats is awful close to the three stooges, and Larry and Curly don’t like the idea of that not at all. Larry is the one on the right side, by the way, and I almost had another lady’s name put on him, but that was whilst I was drunken on the demon tequila.”
“Did she have that other fella’s name removed?” Bubba couldn’t help but ask because he seemed to recall that Trixiebelle had another man’s name tattooed over the tattoo of Dan’s name on her belly. Plus he didn’t really want to think about Dan’s stooges in any shape, format, or manner much less whilst Dan was under the influence of the demon tequila.
“Which part is Moe?” Bam Bam asked, but both Dan and Bubba ignored the question.
“They covered it up with tattoos of flowers,” Dan said blackly. “I guess that’s better than Cole Kutz’s name below her belly button. Cole was that lowdown, illiterate trailer bum she was hooked up with, by the way.”
“Weren’t there a flaming heart, too?” Bubba asked unhelpfully and before he thought better of it.
Bam Bam sat straight up in his chair and both Dan and Bubba glanced at him. “Flaming heart?” he asked. “Lots of tattoos of flowers? I thought Trixiebelle was in Dallas or such.”
“She is,” Dan rumbled, “so why you askin’?”
“Oh, it’s just all this has gotten a brotha rattled, know what I mean, jelly bean?” Bam Bam said quickly and stood up. “I gots to get ready to start this show.” He signaled the DJ, who stopped Hall & Oates from singing about their foray into what seemed like stylized stalking. The DJ flipped switches and started an electronic drum-roll riff from his console. Then as Bam Bam climbed the stairs to the main stage, the lights began to dim, and smoke effects puffed from either side of the platform. Excited murmurs moved through the audience.
Bam Bam centered himself on the stage and grinned out at the audience. It was likely the most people he’d seen in Bazooka Bob’s since he’d purchased the place. It’s prolly the most people he’d ever see in Bazooka Bob’s at one time, thought Bubba uncharitably and then chastised himself.
“Drinks?” whispered a waiter in Bubba’s ear. He glanced up to see a man who looked suspiciously familiar. If Bubba was correct, this was one of the agents who’d “detained” him and David. He was about six feet tall with graying brown hair and a smirk plastered across his white-bread face.
“Hey captain, right?” Bubba asked politely. “Like some fella from a 60s TV show.”
The smirk faded from the man’s face. His name was Kirk, and he’d brought Bubba lousy coffee after he’d been promised good coffee. Furthermore, Bubba wasn’t going to trust him to bring him anything else to drink. Bubba didn’t think they had a reason for drugging him again, but once was all it took to leave a nasty taste in his mouth.
“I’ll take a three-legged monkey,” Dan announced loudly, and even Bam Bam paused in speaking to glance at Dan. Dan shrugged at Bam Bam, and Bam Bam went on with his oration about how the club was just good, clean fun even if girls were sometimes naked.
“What?” Kirk asked.
“A three-legged monkey,” Dan repeated in a more moderate tone. “It’s a drink. Buddha would definitely approve. It makes a big fella mellow.”
“I thought you weren’t drinking,” Bubba said.
“It makes me mellow, I said,” Dan said agreeably, turning back to Kirk. “It’s got one ounce of Crown Royal. That’s a Canadian whiskey, but ifin you ain’t got that, an American one will do. Then you add an ounce of Amaretto. None of those knock off Amarettos, mind you. Finally, you add in an ounce of pineapple juice. A three-legged monkey,” he concluded with evident satisfaction. “Mebe you should just bring three on the safe side. A big fella like me needs a little more to get the proper effect.”
Kirk stared at Dan.
Dan asked, “You got that?”
“Crown Royal, Amaretto, pineapple juice,” Kirk repeated. “Yes, sir. You, sir?” he added to Bubba.
“I don’t reckon I care to get anything from this here bar,” Bubba said tightly.
Kirk spun away smartly and went to the next table for their orders. “BEER!” trumpeted four men in their early twenties. “We don’t care what kind!”
Bam Bam tapped the microphone that the DJ provided and cleared his throat. “In conclusion, welcome to Bazooka Bob’s,” he said. He touched the middle of his chest with his fist and added, “It does a heart good to see all you fine people out here supporting this establishment. I know, it ain’t the Goodwill or the local church or even a local orphanage, but all these folks who work here, work hard, and are just trying to support their families like anyone else.”
Cheers broke out. Dan put both pinkies to the sides of his mouth and whistled loudly in support of Bam Bam’s words.
Bubba had the feeling that the other shoe was about to drop, but the side of the shoe that was in eminent peril of dropping was the size of the Titanic combined with the iceberg that had been in its way. Where was Leonardo DiCaprio when a fella needed him?
“And since I see some of you fine peoples have brought your families,” Bam Bam went on, “then the show is appropriate for that, in case some of you all was worried. So please, help yourselves to the buffet, enjoy the dancers’ finest efforts, and remember to tip your servers because everyone needs a little somethin’ somethin’ to get along. Most importantly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.” Bam Bam touched the middle of his chest with his fist again and bowed. The crowd loved it and broke out in animated applause.
Bubba even applauded. He glanced to one side and saw that his mother was sitting at a nearby table with her crew. She slowly winked at him, and Bubba felt that shoe-dropping feeling again.
It took a few long minutes before the applause finally faded away, and the lights began to dim as Bam Bam dismounted the stage.
Then the show began, and Bubba couldn’t think of a way to ease out of the large room without drawing attention to himself.
* * *
Cayenne Pepper came on stage with the same applause that Bam Bam had garnered. She had a silver bucket of lemons, and she kept up an easy, funny banter with the crowd that made everyone happy. She even brought up two volunteers to help her twirl lemons, which was actually a juggling act that used increasing numbers of lemons. The music was diminished as she joked with her volunteers and then all three people were juggling. One of the volunteers was Dee Dee Lacour, who was Dr. Goodjoint’s main nurse, and the other one was Melvin Wetmore, who was a mechanic at Bufford’s Gas and Grocery and who had once worked with Bubba there. Surprisingly, Cayenne made Dee Dee giggl
e as they easily swapped lemons, and even Melvin was graciously good-natured as he helped with the act.
Bubba had to admit that it was fun like a magic show or a performance that was designed to warm up the crowd. He was only sorry that Willodean and Sheriff John were sitting outside and unable to see it.
A woman that Bubba took to be Crystal Chandelier came out after Cayenne. Crystal had bunches of crystals hanging off her. She had a crystal bead dress, crystal earrings, crystal necklace, and bracelets. Even her booties had little crystals hanging off the sides that tinkled delicately as she walked. Her hair was long and blonde and poofed up like a whale’s spout with a crystal-encrusted scrunchie. The only thing that wasn’t caked with crystals was her lassos and that was because they had blinking, rolling, and repeating LED lights inside of them. Crystal didn’t need to ask for volunteers because she simply lassoed them instead. (That cut down on conversation and hesitation altogether.)
During the last part of Crystal’s act she snared Dan, and he was led up to the stage, happily mellow on three (gulped down in what appeared to be a single swallow each) three-legged monkeys. The audience adored it as she lassoed Dan on his head, arms, and one leg. People even squealed with delight when the lights went out, and the black light effects showed her expertise with multiple lassos on the tallest, formerly meanest man in Pegram County. Crystal pulled Dan to give him a pale pink kiss on his cheek as a reward at the end, and Dan grinned all the way back to his seat, not bothering to wipe off the lipstick from his face.
That act was followed by a break so that people could load up on the buffet and drinks. Bam Bam paused by Bubba to say, “We’re doin’ purt darn good, Bubba.”
Bubba started to get up, but he was waylaid by Ralph Cedarbloom, who was still dressed in his hospital robe. An errant thought popped into Bubba’s head. Ralph clearly hadn’t been okayed to leave the hospital and had managed to get money and a way to Bazooka Bob’s. (Had Ralph stolen that ambulance in the parking lot? Well, it was certain that he hadn’t caught a ride with the normally dour nurse, Dee Dee Lacour.)
“I done heard a rumor about Snuggles,” Ralph said, sitting in Bam Bam’s empty seat.
Bubba didn’t respond because he suspected he knew what Ralph was going to say.
“They say that Snuggles is really…an alien,” Ralph said.
Dan signaled the waiter for another three-legged monkey and started to giggle.
Ralph looked at Dan doubtfully. “What?”
“Snuggles ain’t an alien,” Dan said. “She’s a ‘Merican, for shore.”
“Not that kind of alien,” Ralph said. He pointed up with the index finger of his right hand. “That kind of alien.”
“I don’t think so,” Bubba said. “Known Snuggles for some time. Ain’t no alien. Good person, too.” Am I going to hell for lying? Bubba shook an internal head. No, he wasn’t lying. Snuggles wasn’t an alien. Snuggles was a good person.
Ralph eyed him suspiciously. “Well, okay then. Listen, I need to find a better place on account that Snuggles is he’ping with the Jell-O wrestling, so I want to be able to distribute dollar bills accordingly. Thanks, Bubba.”
“Shore, Ralph,” Bubba said and his voice cracked. He would have shoved his knuckles into his mouth to keep from laughing, but Dan was already chortling with amusement.
Bubba managed to get his mirth under control and scanned the establishment. But then Ralph appeared beside him again. “And that gal I tole you about,” he said into Bubba’s ear, “you know the one who was here that night?”
Bubba nodded.
“I just saw her about ten minutes ago.”
Chapter 26
Bubba and the Stuff That
Was Bound to Happen
Wednesday, August 23rd
Ralph gave Bubba a description of the girl. It was pretty much the same description as he’d given before and one that fit most of the performers. “She was one of them dancers,” Ralph repeated. “They all look the same. High heels. Tight skirts. Lots of fluffed-up hair. I couldn’t see real well in the dark, and did I mention I was high? Ifin I dint mention that, then I’ll say it again. I…was…high.” He paused and then added, “I need to find a good spot, Bubba, before them fellas from the manure factory take all the best ones. They suck them up like stripper-infatuated leeches, dang them.”
Dan got his drink from Kirk, who cast Bubba a leery eye before delivering another pitcher of beer to the table of frat boys. “What chu think, Bubba?” Dan asked. “That girl Ralph saw did something to the fake Bam Bam?”
Bubba growled under his breath. He was beginning to think that he didn’t know jack diddly squat about neither diddly nor squat, and Jack had absconded to an island in the South Pacific that was only inhabited by giant sea fowl that would peck you to death if you came too near their nests. He crossed his arms over his chest and thought about interrogating his mother again. It would probably be pointless because she had her cronies with her. Miz Demetrice would bat her eyes innocently and imply that her only son was picking on her. Then she would roll her eyes at her counterparts behind Bubba’s back. (She was probably doing damage to her eyes with all that rolling, but that was neither here nor there.) Wait until he got his mother alone. He would take her NRA membership card and hide it just out of spite.
Bubba looked around the room again and got lost in the vision of so many people inside the area. The fire department chief would probably have a fit but then Bubba saw that very man, Ted Andrews, talking with Doris Cambliss, the owner of the Red Door Inn, and George Bufford. The three were also talking to the man with the Panama hat, and Bubba straightened up to watch, but the man vanished into the crowd in the next moment.
Bubba watched as several employees started setting up the ring for the Jell-O wrestling to come. Some preventative measures were essential to ensure that the entire club did not get slimed from stem to stern with the gelatin treat. A line of employees passed buckets of premade Jell-O from the kitchen and poured them into the plastic-lined ring.
As preparation neared completion, several of the dancers passed out plastic rain ponchos to the individuals nearest the ring. Bubba and Dan sat just to one side and were seemingly safe from all but the flingingest parts of the wrestling to come.
Dan grinned happily, showing the gap between his front teeth. He had been known to slurp five strands of spaghetti noodles through that gap at the same time just for show. He clapped his hands together. “I ain’t seen a good Jell-O wrestling show since before the last time I went in the klinky.”
Bubba had never seen a good Jell-O wrestling show, except once where he’d had a suggestive dream about Willodean and his former girlfriend wrestling in chocolate pudding, which seemed like it had been Jell-O pudding. (Willodean had been the ultimate chocolate-pudding conqueror in that particular dream, which was the way it was supposed to be in all dreams about his wife.) The mental reverie was spoiled by recalling that the dream referee had been none other than Bubba’s mother, Miz Demetrice.
Bubba frowned. There was nothing like one’s own mother to spoil a fond memory.
Bam Bam mounted the stage and began verbally whipping the crowd into a Jell-O promotional frenzy. Dancers began throwing out boxes of various flavors of Jell-O. Bubba got beaned in the face with a small box of strawberry-banana-flavored gelatin dessert. Dan snatched it off the table and giggled as he held it to his chest like it was a precious diamond.
Bam Bam introduced the players in the next act as each came up on the stage in turn. “And without further ado, we have Diamond and Destiny, the wonder twins; Pop Tart Smith, queen of the night; Tomi Knockers, the grand duchess of the dancing world; Gummi Worm, the girl with no malice with lots of ballast from Dallas; Snuggles Palomino who is the commander in chief of the fan dance;, Cayenne Pepper who is the master of all things citrus, and last but not least, Jade Sparkles who rules glitter town with an iron yet shimmering hand! Give it up for these wonderful women!” Bam Bam tossed the microphone to the DJ and clapped ene
rgetically as he dismounted the stage with an elaborate flourish.
The crowd supplied the extra oomph and applauded enthusiastically.
It’s now, Bubba decided with horrified expectation, that the other shoe decides to metaphorically drop, as several things happened all at once. It was a situation similar to watching a train about to careen off a thousand-foot-high bridge and fall into a black chasm, one couldn’t look away.
* * *
The first thing that happened had been inevitable. It had been coming on gradually and gaining steam as it went. A simple ray of light shown on David Beathard and revealed his feminine yet obviously masculine shape. Thus, it finally dawned on Ralph Cedarbloom that not only was Snuggles Palomino not an alien, but he was also not a woman. Ralph launched himself straight up from his stage-side seat, and the sides of his green hospital robe waved from the churning wind created by the many fans in the room. The robe also lofted generously and revealed that the gown wasn’t tied at the back. It also publicized that Ralph hadn’t been one to do his butt clenches on a regular basis as Bam Bam had been doing. Ralph yelled loudly in a scandalized tone, “Snuggles ain’t a woman!” at the same time that several people gasped loudly at the exposure of his whoopee cakes.
“That exotically dancing skeleton is out of the closet,” Bubba muttered because nothing else seemed to fit.
David Beathard made a humphing noise as he put his hands akimbo on his hips. He tossed his strawberry-colored wig hair over his shoulder in a method that would have made a moody teenager jealous except that his wig was done up in a frou frou bun with a tiara, and the tiara went flying into the crowd. Newt Durley caught it like it was a home run hit into the stands at a baseball park, and he squealed in delight.
“Did anyone say I wasn’t a man?” David asked of the room at large.
“IT WAS IMPLICIT!” Ralph bellowed. Bubba could kind of understand it; David hadn’t said he was a she, and he’d just assumed everyone already knew that she was really a he pretending to be a she.