by K E Osborn
He moans out as his hands fly above his head waving around in the air nearly smacking me in the process. I dodge out of the way and pull his hands back down to the bed.
“Brax, wake up,” I call out loudly.
His body contorts and his legs kick out like he’s trying to defend off an attack. My heart is thumping as the tears begin to well in my eyes. I hate seeing him like this. His teeth grinding together screech as his jaw clenches so rigidly I wonder if his teeth might actually crack.
“Jesus Brax, wake up!” I say pushing his side harshly.
His eyes open wide and I exhale relaxing instantly when he sits bolt upright and turns toward me.
“Brax, thank God, you’re awake—”
Before I can finish my sentence, he lunges at me and grabs my shoulders pushing me causing me to fall back on the bed. He’s looking at me, right at me, and yet his eyes look completely blank like there’s nothing there. It scares me instantly.
“Brax,” I say moving my hands to his shoulders to wake him. He pins me harder to the bed and my breathing increases so it becomes hard to inhale any air. My chest actually hurts from my racing heart and I’m physically shaking. Nothing I do helps. He doesn’t budge, instead forces my shoulders further into the mattress. I wince in pain as he inches further and further toward me like he’s stalking his prey.
“Brax, please, it’s me. Wake up,” I plead, but there’s no recognition at all.
Pushing on his shoulders again, he suddenly he lets me go, by pushing my shoulders into the bed further which helps him up off the bed. Standing up, he starts pacing the bedroom floor mumbling incoherently. Hot tears pool at my eyes and flow down my cheeks as I slowly sit up from the bed. I don’t want to make any sudden movements. Rolling my sore shoulders, I wipe my tears and stand up from the bed wobbling on my feet. The lack of oxygen from me panicking and the anxiety I’m feeling are making me dizzy. I walk over to where Brax is still pacing the floor aimlessly. His heavy footsteps are like roaring thunder in the room, it’s all I can hear, that and the blood rushing from my ferociously beating heart.
“Brax?” I question seeing if maybe he’s starting to wake up.
Nothing.
Taking a deep breath, my feet are heavy as I make my way to him. His eyes focused on the ground beneath him as he paces. Stopping in front of him, I place my hand on his damp shoulder, but something in him clicks. His neck tenses and all the veins protrude as his head flicks up and he looks right through me like I’m not even here. His arms come up and before I have a chance to think, his strong muscular hands wrap around my neck clenching tightly. A muffled choking sound escapes my throat as my eyes bulge. His tight grip sends a shockwave of terror right through my soul and my instinct is to grab at his hands. My nails dig into his flesh scratching at his skin drawing blood, but all it does is make him lift me off the floor. My feet rise from the carpet and my body feels like a lead weight under his hands, but he’s so strong as my legs kick about trying to gain traction back on the ground. My eyes flood with water as my throat is so closed off, I can hardly get any air in at all. I’m gasping as Brax chokes me in his dazed state. Kicking out, I thrash at his shin trying to have him let me go, but he walks with me ramming my back up against the wall. My body slams against the plasterboard, a faint cracking noise seeps through the walls as the ringing in my ears is becoming apparent. My eyes are starting to see flashes of light in front of them and I feel like I might pass out.
“Brax,” I gasp out as my nails continue to scratch at his hands.
“Die…you insurgent scum,” Brax says and I feel like this could actually be it. Air is becoming an issue and the heaviness in my body is making me think that Brax might succeed in killing me.
“Who sent you?” Brax yells and keeps screaming in my face repeatedly, spittle spraying from his mouth into my face as everything starts to turn black.
My last thoughts are of Charli and as tears flood my face and my last gasp of air draws absolutely no oxygen. I hear crying. My body tenses hoping Brax doesn’t go after Charli next and my body kicks into fighting gear again. I kick him and go to scream when Charli’s crying becomes really loud. Brax’s head snaps around to face Charli’s direction and my heart beats faster if that’s even possible.
No, no, no! He can’t get to Charli like this, so I kick his shin hard and it’s like a transformation takes place. He looks back at me and suddenly his grip around my neck detaches and it’s like the most welcomed breath I’ve ever taken in my life as my feet hit the floor and I hunch over taking in deep, languid breaths.
Brax suddenly pulls my body to his and I tense up waiting for him to attack me again, but he wraps his arms around me tightly holding my face to his chest and smoothing my hair down as I fight against his chest. He holds me tighter as my knees give way and I collapse to the floor like a heavy sack of potatoes. Bending down he lifts my frail body and carries me to the bed as scalding hot tears run down my face endlessly. I can’t understand the complete three-sixty in him right now.
Before he was trying to kill me, now he’s trying to take care of me?
Placing me on the bed, he runs his hands over my cheeks and looks into my eyes, his are watering profusely and his brows are furrowed so tightly he might need some wrinkle cream.
“Fuck Amber, I’m sorry, baby. I don’t know what I did, but by the look of you, it was bad. I heard Charli crying, and it snapped me out of my terror. I can’t believe after everything I fell asleep again. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” His hands run all over my body as it aches. I don’t want his hands on me, so I pull away and try to scurry across the bed but he holds onto me tightly and won’t let me go. Sobbing hard, I bring my hands up to my face as my heart races out of control in my chest, the pulsating of my blood through my veins is making every inch of my body ache and I can’t stand the pain. I lean my head into his chest and just let him comfort me.
“God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Fuck Amber, I never wanted to hurt you. I’m so sorry,” he mumbles his apologies continuously as I cry and continue to hear Charli crying in the background. I want to go to her, but my body and Brax won’t allow it. Hearing the deep cracking in his voice, and the desperation is only breaking my heart further. I wanted this man, I thought his terrors were only a minor issue, I brushed them aside thinking it was nothing scary. Now I know why he was so adamant about not staying with me. I wish I believed him, because I’m still having trouble breathing, and explaining this to the guys is going to cause trouble.
“This is what I was afraid of Amber. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t control how I act during the terrors. This is what I was trying to tell you. I never want to hurt you. You have to believe me.” His fractured voice sends a shiver down my spine.
I believe he wasn’t in control, the Brax I know would never do that to me. “Is that what it’s like most nights?”
He simply nods. It’s like a sucker punch to the gut, the air evaporates from my lungs once more and hot tears flood from my eyes as I sob harder knowing the trauma Brax goes through every night.
“I’ll go get Charli—”
“No!” I demand, I don’t want him to touch her. Just in case he’s still on edge.
He furrows his brows and slumps his body nodding his head in understanding as a single tear rolls down his cheek. “I wouldn’t hurt her, Amber.”
I bite my bottom lip rubbing my neck and tilt my head to the side trying to ease some of the stiffness creeping in. “I didn’t think you’d hurt me either, but you did,” I say and Brax stops touching me and sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees. He exhales and his chest is heaving like he’s having trouble breathing himself.
“You can’t even begin to imagine how terrible I feel, Amber. How sorry I am for hurting you—”
“You strangled me, Brax. You nearly choked me to death…” I trail off and look past him toward Charli’s room where she’s still crying. My heart is hammering for h
er. I need to get to her and let her know I’m okay.
“Jesus. I’m a fucking arsehole. I’m so sorry, I don’t know how to make it up to you.” He looks up at me and his eyes are glistening with unshed tears as his bottom lip trembles. I can see he’s struggling with this.
I sniff and stand up off the bed wobbling slightly at the sudden rush of blood from my head. Brax jumps up resting his hand on my arm to steady me and I flinch back breaking the contact even though the warmth from his hand sends goose bumps all over my skin.
“You can leave, that’s how you make it up to me.” I feel strange, I desperately need him to go so I can comfort my crying daughter and grieve in my own way, but I also need his comfort and for him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. But my need to be without him at the moment is outweighing my need for him to stay.
“Amber, I need to stay and make sure you’re okay. You were starved of oxygen and—”
“Please, just go, I can’t have you here right now—”
“But what about if your throat starts to swell and you can’t breathe?”
“Just leave!” I yell and then wince as the force of my voice hurts my throat.
He winces as my voice echoes through the hotel room and Charli’s crying becomes insistent. He exhales and looks at me, his eyes glistening as a fat tear slides down his face.
“I never meant to hurt you.” He starts putting on his clothes as I watch folding my arms over my chest. My neck is hurting so bad, and I really need some water, but I need more than anything to get to my daughter. Brax turns looking at me now fully dressed, his frown so long it might fall off his face, and his eyes glistening so bright they look like diamonds. I sniff and look away as he turns walking to the hotel door.
“If you need me, call me. If you start feeling lightheaded or nauseous, or your throat starts to close, please call a doctor. I’m sorry. I didn’t want this…I’m sorry,” he says and I can’t look at him as he exhales and the door opens.
I clench my eyes shut as my heart lurches into my throat making me feel sick. The door closes with a small thud and it feels like a chapter is closing on my life and I don’t know why, but a tightness in my chest and my watering eyes tell me I’m miserable about it. My eyes flood with tears and I start to cry profusely. My heart speeds frantically and my breathing is coming in short, sharp bursts. Suddenly, my entire body is shaking and I can’t seem to think about anything other than Brax possibly leaving for the last time. Being without him is something I don’t want, but how could I possibly be with him now? A wave of anxiety rushes over me and as I panic, Charli’s crying invades my ears and my feet rush as fast as they can, carrying my heavy, pain riddled body toward her cot.
I look down to see she’s standing up and reaching out to me before I even get to her. She needs me as much as I need her right now. I lean in pulling her to me, rocking her back and forth, kissing her head manically trying to calm us both down. Having her in my arms is better than any prescription drug you can buy. She stops crying almost instantly wrapping her tiny arms around my neck. It hurts, but I don’t care, I just need to be with her right now. I breathe her in, smelling her hair as I start to sing to her with a now husky voice.
“Hush little baby, don’t say a word, Mamma’s gonna buy you a mockingbird…” I continue to try and sing to her as my knees give way with the emotion of it all and I fall on my arse still holding Charli in my arms. Sitting on the ground of her room, clinging to Charli for dear life, she’s my lifeline and I need her to get through this. Tightly clinging and cuddling into her as she nuzzles into me sleepily. I still don’t let her go even when she falls asleep, just continue to cuddle with her on the floor until the sun creeps through the window in its tones of pinks and yellows, bringing with it a brand new day.
Eventually, my arse becomes too numb and my overwhelming tiredness consumes me. Placing a sound asleep Charli back in her cot, I drag my feet into the bedroom. My heart is beating hard even after all these hours, and I want something to take the edge off. So I walk to my handbag and take out my anxiety pill container and take out two pills. Walking into the bathroom, I grab a glass and fill it with water, the water running from the tap squeals as it fills the glass. I take a sip and the refreshing liquid soothes my dry, sore throat as it slides down. I pop the pills in my mouth and swallow them with some more water. My heart rate slows just at the thought of taking the pills.
Looking in the mirror, it soon spikes again when I glance at my neck to see the blue bruising forming on my skin already. I run my fingers along the raised and battered skin and it aches at a mere touch. I exhale as I have no idea how I’m going to explain this to Hunter and Mase. I feel so strongly for Brax, but I also can’t help but be a little scared of him as well. I don’t know if I can get past his issues. I must admit I’m a little worried about seeing Brax today as I pull my eyes away from the terrible sight in front of me and turn walking out of the cold bathroom and back to my bedroom. My feet soothing in comfort walking from the harsh bitterness of the bathroom tiles to the plushness of the bedroom carpet. I slump my body onto the mattress needing some sleep, after spending most of the night awake terrified and cuddling into Charli, but I want to message Brax first. Leaning over, I grab my phone from the bedside table and unplug it from the charger.
As I swipe the screen, it makes a swoosh sound.
Me: I’m just heading back to bed, but I wanted to check that you were okay? I’m sorry I freaked out…
I hit send and lay down on the plushness of the bed, sinking into the mattress thinking I’ve never wanted to sleep so much in my life. My phone stays stationary in my hand, it doesn’t vibrate, doesn’t sound or light up with a return message.
Nothing.
I bite my bottom lip and swallow hard hoping that maybe he’s just asleep or in the shower when a sudden light tapping on my door startles me. Slowly I sit up in bed wishing whoever it is had a keycard to let themselves in, and then it pops into my mind it could be Brax wanting to come and talk rather than message. So I pick my feet up a little faster and walk to the door pulling it open with the tiny amount of reserve energy I have left.
I try to put on a smile for Brax, but when I look out, I see it’s Hunter. He looks at me and I try to lower my chin so he doesn’t see the bruising, but his eyes open wide as he grabs my chin and pulls my head back up. “What the fuck is this?” he asks running his fingers along my neck softly his face etched with concern.
“Nothing,” I say flinching away and walking back inside the room.
“Like fuck it’s nothing Amber. Did Brax do this to you? Is that why he left?” he asks with a sternness to his voice.
I sniff and walk in and sit on my bed. “He was asleep, he didn’t know what he was doing,” I say and pull my top up higher to try and cover the bruising.
“Jesus Christ,” Hunter says running his hands through his hair. “I’m going to fucking kill him myself. I don’t care if he was fucking possessed, he does not get to lay a finger on you,” he yells and I wince at his tone.
“Hunter it was his night terror…What? Wait…did you just say he left?” I ask turning to look at him the information only now registering.
“He handed in his resignation early this morning and he took off. No explanation just left.”
I tense up feeling a mix of emotions.
Is he running from me?
Does he feel guilty, and that’s why he left?
Is it because he can’t face me?
I think I deserved at least a goodbye.
Now, I’m angry.
“He didn’t even say goodbye,” I murmur under my breath and Hunter chuckles in bemusement.
“Seriously? After what he did to you, you want to say goodbye? Amber, we should be pressing charges, not having tearful, heartfelt farewells,” he scoffs.
Tensing up, I shake my head. I can’t believe he’s actually gone.
“No, he didn’t mean to hurt me. Hunter—”
“Yeah, but he did
hurt you, and when I find him I’m going to ring his neck myself,” he says pacing the floor. “I knew this would happen! The moment I saw you two making googly eyes at each other. I knew he had trouble sleeping. I knew you would end up hurt as a result. Fuck, I should have kicked him to the curb when I saw it happening. This is all my fault. Your neck is like that because of my failure. In trying to keep you safe, I brought the danger straight to you. I’m a fucking idiot,” he yells and it breaks my heart that he’s blaming himself for all this.
“Hunter, just stop,” I say getting up and walking to him, grabbing his shoulders forcing him to face me. “I’m okay, a little shaken, but okay. Charli is fine, he didn’t go near her. If it wasn’t for her he…” I trail off wondering if Brax might have actually killed me.
“What do you mean?” Hunter asks looking at me breaking me from my thoughts.
“He heard her crying and it snapped him out of his terror. Charli saved us both,” I say and he half smiles.
“I knew that girl was special.”
I smile and nod. “He stopped, and he was so sorry once he woke up, Hunter. He didn’t mean to do this. Was it scary? Yeah, it was terrifying and I was so scared for Charli and me, but once he snapped out of it, I could see it wasn’t him in control of the rage. It was like he was possessed. Brax didn’t do this Hunter, his subconscious did, and I think maybe he needs some real help. Will you make sure he gets the help he needs?”