I paused for a second, watching Marilee’s reaction to my pick. I wasn’t sure if she would think my theory was faulty.
Marilee remained placid, and as far as I could see wasn’t judging me. I drew in a long sigh, more nervous than I’d expected. I hadn’t realized how much it mattered to me what she’d thought about my list, until right then.
“So I figured if we supplied her with some birdseed, she’d have something left over to get her a better coat and boots for the winter, or whatever she needs.”
Marilee opened her mouth to speak. I cut in before she could.
“The reason I want to buy the seed is because no matter who she is now, she’s still a proud woman who wouldn’t think it was honorable to take money for nothing.”
Marilee glanced down at the origami bird one more time. Her eyes moved to my face.
“It somehow doesn’t seem like enough, does it?” she said simply. Those few words were enough to release all the tension that had lodged in my stomach at the very moment I had pulled out the list. It was more than a relief that she didn’t think my idea was stupid.
I nodded.
“You’re right, Mrs. Mori needs so much more than a few bags of birdseed. When I was putting the list together I wanted to do big things too. But I guess when I really looked at the people who we would be helping I had to remember that it was about them, not me. Sure it would be good to buy her a new wardrobe and change everything in her life, but I realized that no matter what I think about it, she is her own person and she has a right to her individuality. I think that giving her birdseed will help her, but also preserve her dignity.”
I caught her eyes with mine. “When I was making the list I had to make peace with the concept that we have to accept that a little help can go a long way. I’d love to solve everyone’s problems but I have to accept that I can’t. There just isn’t enough money in the world that can remove all the suffering for everyone. It’s important that we get this straight before we even start. If we don’t limit our expectations we’re only going to end up disappointed.”
“What do you mean?” she asked. Fear shadowed her face. I felt guilty for not explaining better than I had.
“What I meant to say is that we can’t decide what the people we help need, based on our values and beliefs, we have to tailor the help to them. You might think that it’s horrible that Mrs. Mori lives in an abandoned subway station and feeds the birds, but for her it might be all the happiness she needs.”
Marilee crossed her arms over her chest. “I guess I’ll just have to trust that you know what you’re doing,” she said with a quiet sigh.
I shrugged. “I don’t know everything, to be honest I’m really kind of flying by the ass of my jeans. But I’m going to give it my all because I’m not going to piss away this opportunity to help people. I’m going to make it work, try some things out and you know, gauge how it’s all coming together.”
Marilee nodded a silent approval, and it was all I wanted. It felt more than good that she was going to trust me to know how to help people, since I wasn’t even sure if I trusted myself.
“Well, I’ve got a little cash but if we’re going to do this on a bigger scale, like I want. I need to open up a bank account for you, so you can get whatever money you need…” Marilee said, moving right into the next part of our discussion without prompting from me.
I threw up a hand before she finished. “I don’t want a bank account. That would just be weird. Like I’m trying to scam you for your cash, and besides how can you even trust me? You hardly know me.”
Marilee’s face pinched in sudden anger. I was surprised at how quickly her mood had shifted. A flush of color ran from her neck to her cheeks, right up to the top of her hairless head. Witnessing her like this made me want to laugh.
“For starters, this whole thing was my idea. I was the one who asked you for help. Secondly if you were really trying to scam me for money as you so bluntly put it, the last thing you’d have a problem with would be taking my money. And thirdly I’m insulted that you think that I don’t know you, didn’t you just kiss me like five seconds ago and now were strangers. Shit Jax, you really know how to take the joy out of the moment.”
Her words were like a slap across my face. She’d never been like this with me before. I could take the heat, because it wasn’t like girls hadn’t gone off on me in the past, but they also hadn’t been Marilee.
“I trust you, but if your pride is too overblown to see that we could do a lot of good here, then you may as well walk now. Because either you’re in all the way, or you’re out.”
And just like that she’d laid down the gauntlet and it was up to me to pick it up or refuse. I shook my head, not sure what to say or do. What had seemed so easy just moments ago had transformed into a blatant reminder about how really different we were. I hated that it bothered me that she had money, but it did, and right then I didn’t know what to do.
I stood up and shifted my eyes away from hers. The tears swimming in her gaze were all too evident and it pissed me off that I’d been part of putting those tears in her eyes. A piece of me wanted to take her in my arms and tell her that it didn’t matter that we’d come from different sides of the track. That just like in the retro original Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio, everything would work out. But I knew it wasn’t a movie, it wasn’t real life and I didn’t have a wise Mr. Miyagi to show me the way. So I decided to do the next best thing and talk to my own version of Mr. Miyagi, Gran. I hadn’t planned on telling her about Marilee quite yet. I didn’t need her to worry about me getting hurt, but I also needed some guidance.
“I have to think about this,” I said in a low tone.
I forced my eyes to hers. The pain there made me feel as if I’d been kicked in the guts. I wanted to just say yes and agree, but there was this part of me, the part that Gran called my mule-ass stubborn side, that just wouldn’t give an inch. I couldn’t help but care what people thought about Marilee opening a bank account in my name, despite the fact that the money wasn’t for me.
“I’ve got to get to work,” I said.
I glanced at Marilee. I could see she was doing all she could to keep her tears at bay, yet she was fighting a losing battle. A single tear managed to break free, trailing down her cheek. It took all of my will not to brush it away. And tell her that I would do anything she wanted just to put a smile back on her face, but I couldn’t. If I did tell her I was in all the way and later decided that I couldn’t handle taking her money, then it would be worse than anything that she was feeling now.
“Bye,” I whispered feeling like the biggest ass on the planet.
Marilee didn’t answer. I turned and walked away from her. Every step I took made me hate my pigheaded sense of pride even more. I tried to remind myself that she was just a room number, a patient, someone who came, got treated and was out of my life forever, but this time it didn’t work. The rationale that had helped me survive more times than I could count, the one that prevented me from investing too much in the patients, had served to shatter the one person that I never wanted to hurt, Marilee.
11. Marilee
As I watched him walk away from me all I could feel was anger and bitterness. I didn’t understand how he could have made a promise to help me, and was now leaving without a backward glance. I knew he’d said he needed time but I’d heard that line before from other guys. In my experience it always meant the same thing, he was out of my life for good. And I didn’t just think it was getting out of the Peace Project, I was quite sure he was finished with me too.
It more than hurt that just when I’d found something to live for, a way for me to forget the disease ravaging my body, it had been snatched away. I didn’t know if I’d ever get another chance to help anyone like that again. I was more than aware that Jax’s help with the project had meant that I would get to see him more, an undeniable perk, but it was also more than that. The project was a chance to give back to the world before I was gone, a way to lea
ve my mark. Knowing that someone was better off because of me, would have been enough for me. Even if no one but Jax knew what I’d done it would have mattered.
Now that whole dream had been trashed, and I wasn’t sure if I could rally enough energy to care about anything anymore. The Peace Project had given me a reason to fight against something that had taken everything from me, leaving me a shell of who I’d once been. I’d believed that if I had the project it would let me experience happy things and satisfying moments, where a woman who loved birds could feed them and where someone might just smile a little more because of me.
The longer I was in the hospital and away from all the stuff that had once meant so much to me, the more I realized that there were other things equally important. Sure designer jeans, handbags, pricy manicures and five hundred dollar haircuts, were great to have, but they weren’t everything. There was nothing wrong with liking nice things, but I’d also realized that there was a lot more in my life that didn’t involve having the latest and best of everything that money could buy.
One of the qualities that I liked the most about Jax was that he didn’t seem to need much to make him happy. Despite his tough boy attitude there was something rare and inspiring inside him. Something that made him stop what he was doing in the hallway and bend down to talk to one of the tiny patients that filled the ward. Locked in Jax’s aura for that moment, that patient in the hall was the only person in the universe. For me there was no better place than being caught in Jax’s headlights. The hard part was that it was almost too much to take when he moved on, to another person who needed him.
I tugged my side table open, reaching for my phone for a diversion, instead I locked on my hairbrush. Strands of my blonde hair glistened in the bristles as if to taunt me. Without thinking I grabbed the brush and threw it hard against the wall. It made a solid crack when it connected with the painted surface then fell to the floor undamaged. Suddenly it was all too much to take. Fury like nothing I’d felt before boiled over hot.
I stared at the vase of fresh pink roses and stargazer lilies that Mom insisted I have at my bedside everyday. What I wouldn’t have given to have Mom, not smelly flowers beside me. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be just fine, but she wasn’t there, no one was. The enormity of it crippled me.
I grabbed the vase and flung it at the wall. When it hit there was a satisfying explosion of water, flowers and shards of glass. A surprising grin curved my lips because Marilyn, the perfect little daughter would never have done something so horrible, but Marilee could. Laughter, as pleasant as summer rain on a sultry day, spilled out of me. Soon I was giggling so hard that it made my stomach hurt, but it didn’t stop me.
“Marilee!” The nurse had said my name three times before I finally registered. Still releasing side-splitting howls, I brought my focus to hers. Her horrified expression only made me giggle harder. Even I knew how absurd I appeared.
“What’s going on Marilee?” the nurse, whose name was Sue, said. She was around Mom’s age, rail thin with horn-rimmed spectacles and grey streaked hair cut in a severe pixie cut. She stood with her hands on her hips as if waiting for an explanation, one that I wasn’t prepared to give her.
“Shit,” Jax said, stepping into the room behind Sue. He stared down at the mess on the floor then at me, then back to the floor. It wasn’t hard to tell that he was as stunned as Sue was. Jax turned to Sue.
“Don’t worry Sue I’ll get this mess cleaned,” he said. When she didn’t respond he touched her shoulder. I hated how his tone was hushed like he was around a wild beast that he was scared to spook. His placid attitude only served to fire me up all over again. I snatched up my Prada purse, one Harold had spent a small fortune on, and hurled it directly at Jax’s head. As if anticipating my move, he ducked just in time. The purse sailed harmlessly over his head. Unfortunately his move cleared the way so it hit Sue square in the chest. It hadn’t been hard enough to hurt her, but still made her stumble back.
“Marilee,” she squeaked, her eyes wild with a mix of irritation and wariness. Just then a whole posse of doctors who were doing their morning rounds, walked into the room.
“I’m done, no more Miss Nice Girl. I’m going to live my life by my rules, and anyone who doesn’t like that can just go screw themselves,” I hollered to no one in particular.
Though there were at least ten people in the room, the place went immediately quiet. Nine pairs of eyes stared at me with dazed awe, only Jax’s expression was different. If I hadn’t known better I would have sworn that I’d seen amusement playing at the corners of his mouth. It was exactly what I needed for my rage to fizzle. With a clearer head, I shamefacedly glanced around at the room full of doctors, med students and Sue. They were all obviously still confused at what exactly was going on. Too exhausted to explain I did the only thing I could, I pretended that the previous ten minutes had never happened.
“Good morning Dr. Mc Claren,” I said sweetly.
He stared at me blankly for a few moments before he seemed to catch himself. “Good morning Marilee,” he stammered, definitely still off his stride.
Jax covered his mouth with the back of his hand, plainly trying to hide the fact that he was laughing. I shot him a dazzling smile, overflowing with innocence. He shook his head. A few minutes later, after the doctors had discussed what they had intended, everyone cleared out of the room except Jax.
He’d finally stopped laughing and was studying me like I was something that might grow in a petrie dish. I met his gaze in a stare down, determined not to be the first to blink. Still holding my stare, he strode forward, stepping over the remains of my vase. Before I could protest, I was back in has arms. He pulled me in close. I didn’t want it to be true, but there wrapped in his arms I felt more safe than I had ever felt before. I knew I should have been mad at him for essentially leaving me in a lurch an hour before, but somehow it was hard to muster up the fury.
I felt his breath on the curve of my neck. His lips moved whisper soft across the scar where they’d inserted the Port-a-Cath. I shivered. He brushed his mouth over the top of my ear, then kissed a line down my cheek until our lips met. Only this time there was none of the intensity that I’d felt the first time we kissed. This kiss was gentler and if it was even possible, more personal.
The scent of him surrounded me. I breathed it into my lungs, imagining drawing his very essence inside me. I felt his hand cradle my waist protectively. It was so intimate and so right that no words could describe how it felt. I laid my hand on the muscles of his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart, pushing blood and life through him. Right then it was as if we were connected, as if his heart and mine pumped at the same rhythm.
Still, I couldn’t help but wonder why he cared so much for me. There were so many beautiful girls in the world, not like me now, as naked as the day I had been born. Most guys, especially ones who looked like Jax, would have rejected me, but he didn’t and it baffled me.
Jax’s lips moved back to my ear. Another shudder ran through me. The feel of his flesh on mine was almost too much to take.
“I’m in,” he breathed into my ear. And his words were so unexpected that for a second they didn’t click in my mind.
I leaned a little away from him, gazing into his startling blue eyes. I studied the bones of his face, that seemed to have been carved from the most exquisite stone.
“You’re in?” I repeated. He nodded.
He cupped my chin in his long fingered hand. I never wanted him to let go.
“Always,” he murmured.
A chill ran through me because all I could think was that he somehow completed me. Jax filled all the empty spaces that I hadn’t known needed to be filled. It was almost too much to handle. I brought my hands to either side of his face, felt the light stubble beneath my skin that reminded me that he was all male. Not that there was ever a doubt. He was so unlike anybody I’d met before. Maybe that was why I was falling faster and deeper than I though
t possible. It left me both terrified and thrilled.
He slipped his hand into his pocket, retrieving the piece of paper that he’d shown me before. He smoothed the folds, laying it against his lap. It was then that I noticed that I still had the origami bird in my hand. It was crumpled and bent, a casualty of my temper. I questioned how I could have destroyed something so beautiful. Jax plucked the miniature bird from my hand. With a few simple moves he straightened the wings, pulled at the beak and to my astonishment, it was exactly the same as it had been when he’d first given it to me.
“See, no matter how broken and battered it is, nothing that comes from the heart can be destroyed.”
The beauty of his words stole the breath from my lungs. I swallowed a few times, trying to comprehend what was happening. It all seemed surreal. How could the worst time of my life also be so amazing?
“Is it true?” he said, giving me his one dimpled grin. He held my hand in his, running the tips of his fingers over the skin at the back. He traced the fine bones, made more prominent by my weight loss.
“Is what true?” I said, finding my voice.
He brought his focus to my face and shot me a rare grin that showed a hint of his teeth. It made me feel all tingly again. I wondered how anyone could have this kind of effect on me with something as simple as a smile.
“No more Miss Nice Girl,” he said with a suggestive smirk. I giggled.
“I can’t believe I actually said all that, in front of a room full of doctors. Mom and Harold would have had consecutive strokes if they’d been here,” I said, shaking my head.
Jax’s face stiffened. “It doesn’t matter what they think,” he said, venom in his words. I didn’t like it, but I understood his hostility toward my parents.
I nodded. “Yeah, you’re right…” I paused. I decided to drop the subject of my parents since it would only bring me down again. “And yeah, I’m not putting up with any bullshit anymore. I’m tired of ignoring the elephant in the room to spare feelings. If I feel like crap I’m going to say it, and if someone is ticking me off or for that matter boring me, I’m going to say that too.”
Tattoos: A Novel Page 10