by Rue Vespers
Whoops! Burger Code Switched with Clam Chowder Code! ‘Gross,’ Say Diners
Bizarre Battle in the Gladiator Ring Stuns Viewers
Notable ‘Deaths’: Corporal Panty Hamster, TheFappening, FryingPanSexual
“Did we make the news?” In astonishment and disbelief, Jenner blinked at the headline about the gladiator ring. “Rosy! I think we made the front page of the news!”
“Read it! Read it! Read it!” Rosy yelled, jumping back to the bed.
In a shocking upset against an up-and-coming Level 15 dragon gladiator with an impressive string of wins, a Level 4 (now Level 5) untried human player seized victory yesterday in a loot chest challenge. The Teacup Guy, armed with a sentient glitch teacup for a sidekick and grakel demon scales acquired in a health potion mishap, triumphed over Fang-tail in a brutal, and brutally strange, battle for the ruby.
“I didn’t think anyone would accept his bid price of five thousand dollars,” said player Fartbox69. “But someone did! The fight was a joke, though. The Teacup Guy just got lucky.”
The onyx dragon Fang-tail, however, would love to fight him again. “It was an amazing challenge. The Teacup Guy brought 100% to the ring, and so did his awesome little cup! I hope I get to play them more in the future.”
The bidder was Prince Nicodemus, a Level 19 dragon/elf hybrid. Although he did not wish to be interviewed on camera, he submitted a statement that he is proud to have had The Teacup Cup as his substitute, which increased his merit trophy count to a third-place tie with ScrambleThis. ScrambleThis had no comment.
Interviewed after the challenge, The Teacup Guy said his body is dying in a hospital and he needs the money to pay for an ACT2 net to increase the speed of his upload. Click the window below to watch a hilarious recap of the match!
Jenner cast a nervous glance to the teacup. Nowhere in the article did it mention Rosy’s name, which seemed sort of insulting. And that was Jenner’s fault. He wasn’t sure he told anyone what it was.
He had nothing to worry about. Rosy was thrilled. “WE MADE THE NEWS!” the teacup hollered, jumping up as high as it could go. “WE MADE THE MOTHERFUCKING MORNING NEWS!”
This would surely bring in more bids, Jenner thought, eager to hear the pinging of calls. He took a quick shower and got dressed before going down to the common room for breakfast. Devouring two full orders of waffles and eggs, two sides each of bacon and sausages, and drinking a whole pot of coffee, he leaned back in his chair with a groan and ordered a hot fudge sundae against his better judgment.
“You’re a pig,” Rosy said.
“Yeah, I know.” The succubus had wrung him dry. And if Jenner was doomed to spend eternity as one of the soulless, he wanted to enjoy all of his favorite foods first. The sundae came and he forced it down his throat.
If he’d expected anyone to notice him after being in the morning news, he would be disappointed. Nobody showed any more interest in him than they had before. The few people scattered around the common room weren’t talking sports but how much time had passed since the last invasion of the Blue Mountain trolls. The two northern wizarding Houses kept them back successfully for years, yet they’d grown lax with their perimeter security and now they were being called on it. Both Houses could be disbanded as punishment by the High Council once this was over.
No calls had come by the time Jenner rolled out the door of the inn into the early afternoon sunshine. Everything had been washed clean by the torrents of rain, the colors of Galadras brighter as he crossed the street with Rosy to look at shops. Why wasn’t he getting any bids? His agitation quickened his stride. It was the fault of those damn trolls! They were distracting everyone.
He paused at a wand store to read the sign hung in the window. This shop catered solely to wizards. Human players weren’t even allowed to enter unless they were accompanied by a wizard. At the bottom of the sign was a warning that this rule was spell-enforced.
That didn’t strike him as fair. Why couldn’t he just wander around the aisles and check out the goods? He wasn’t going to hurt anything. There was a reason that wizards were so disliked in Talvenor. They honestly thought their shit didn’t stink. Well, maybe they had spells to ensure it didn’t stink.
It wasn’t just the trolls’ fault that he was getting no calls today. Trolls were too stupid to know any better. It was the wizards’ fault for letting the trolls in.
Looking around the sign resentfully, he watched wizards in the aisles lifting wands and setting them back to try different ones. A few wizards had scuttle for personal assistants pacing after them with mugs of coffee. A mug of coffee seemed like something that you could carry around in your own inventory, but Jenner supposed that wizards liked having bowing minions there to boss around.
Two female wizards exited the store but stood in the doorway near Jenner to chat, blocking anyone else from entering or leaving. “-can’t believe this!” one was sniping.
“It’s insanity,” the friend agreed, her nose wrinkling in disgust. “House Verelayne has lodged an official protest at getting drawn into their conflict. If they can’t control their own borders, then it’s time for a change in leadership to someone who can.”
The first woman nodded. “Are you heading for the portal now?”
“What? No!” the second laughed incredulously. “Why get there any sooner than we have to, Tara? They can make me come, but they can’t make me spend money on portals to get there faster. A wizard wagon is leaving in another hour from the Chains. As long as they see that we’re in transit, they can’t fault us for when we arrive . . .”
“And those are wizards for you,” Rosy said as the women walked away. “They’ll report to battle as slowly as they can.”
“You can’t really blame them in a way, can you?” Jenner said grudgingly. “Technically, it shouldn’t even be their fight.”
He moved on. The air in the city felt . . . different. A little tense. As he wandered down the sidewalk with Rosy, everyone else was moving with purpose. Two armories side by side were bustling with customers. Several heavily-armed ice demons shot down the road atop skimmers, swerving around carriages and wagons. Just as they disappeared around the corner, the ground dappled in rainbow colors. Dozens of massive dragons in a V-formation were flying north.
Outside a store selling travel rations was a line, which wound all the way around the corner. The shoppers were human, and talking about Portal Purses and blessings. The summons were optional for all but the wizards over Level 20, yet it looked like plenty of others were preparing to go.
As he walked by the long line, a man stuck his head out of the shop door and called, “No more Oderi blessings! No more Gargantua blessings either, but we still have Rojai blessings!”
People groaned and several of them promptly left the line. “What’s the point of a Rojai?” one complained as he went away.
Ping.
“Answer,” Jenner said, stopping outside the bakery one shop down to take the call.
A man with a buzz cut was on the screen. His name was Duo. “The Teacup Guy?” he said uncertainly.
“That’s me,” Jenner said, noticing the scruffy clothes of a low-level human player. Why was this man calling him? “Are you looking for a gladiator substitute?”
“I am, but I don’t have five grand to drop on you,” Duo said bluntly.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t lower my bid.”
“I have something better.”
Better than five grand? Intrigued, Jenner didn’t hang up. “I’m listening.”
“I’ve got access to a single ACT3 net in good condition. Not great, I won’t lie, but very good condition. It’s only eighteen months old.”
Jenner froze.
“What?” Rosy hissed on his shoulder. “What did the caller say?”
“I looked you up, man,” Duo said. “I work in the IT/CT department at a hospital a few hours away from the one your body is dying in. We have a new ACT3 net trio due to arrive on Monday, and I’m supposed to sell o
ff the trio we have. Two of the nets are broke-down and only good for parts. The third is functioning within acceptable parameters for an ACT3 net. My boss won’t notice if it goes missing for a bit since she just went out on maternity leave. But we have to keep this on the down-low, right? I don’t have authorization to let another hospital borrow it and I can’t risk losing my job over this. I’ll enter my bid as PRIVATE. People do that all the time for bids.”
Jenner’s tongue thawed out. That was better than five thousand dollars. Tons better! “How soon can you get the net to my medical team?”
“Tonight.”
“Really?”
“I know some of the Fallacore people where you are. We went to college together. We should be able to swap this out with your slowest ACT1 net and have it up and running super quick.”
“Deal,” Jenner blurted. “What’s the match you want me to play? Is this for the Glitch Finder merit trophy?”
“No. It’s the Sky-High obstacle challenge. I don’t give a shit about any merit trophy. People usually do the Sky-High between Level 8 and Level 12.” The guy’s cheeks flushed scarlet. “It’s not that hard, just an agility test, but I’ve scrambled three times on this challenge. I’m sick to death of the Sky-High. I fell off a ledge as a human; got smashed as a dwarf; even died in it last week as a werecat and who does that? Pretty much no one. I can’t do it again. It spoils this whole game for me. All you have to do is get to the top in ten minutes and ring the bell to win the challenge. Still a deal?”
“Deal.”
“They’re running Sky-Highs twice an hour all day long today in Ring 2. No weapons necessary. You ring that bell, Teacup Guy, and I’ll climb out of my pod and drive to your hospital. I have the ACT3 in my trunk right now.”
Jenner resisted the urge to flee instantly for the rings. “How can I trust you?”
Earnestly, Duo said, “Look, man, I could get in so much trouble for this. If I don’t show with the net, then you report me to the INTC for not paying up. They don’t take kindly to players who dodge their bids. Okay?”
“Okay. I’ll head over there now.”
Duo burst out in a wide smile. “Get me through it, man! I’m cursed with that one.”
When Jenner hung up, Rosy said impatiently, “Well? Are we fighting a troll this time? I want to fight a troll!”
Jenner broke into a jog. “Have you ever heard of the Sky-High?”
“The Sky-High?” Rosy spat. “Yeah, it’s a stupid agility thing! The wizarding students bitched about it all the time because they weren’t allowed to use magic to get to the top. Ice demons aren’t allowed to skim to the top either. Someone hired you for the Sky-High? That’s crazier than hiring you for a merit trophy!”
“This someone can let me borrow an ACT3 net if I ring the bell.”
Rosy gaped. “Oh, shit! Run, kid, run!”
Jenner ran, accepting the bid along the way and checking on his character upload percentage. 16.6%.
16.6%?
How had that happened? He was so shocked that he let out a whoop at the number; he’d figured he would be somewhere in the thirteens. His crappy old nets must have found an easy part of his brain to map. Whatever they mapped and scanned, however, was beyond him. How did you remember something without knowing what it was that you forgot?
The gladiator lounge was packed with people when he stepped in, a baritone booming over the milling heads. “Ring 1, Troll Siege, come to the armory for your weapons upgrade! Ring 2, Sky-High, now gathering over at the bar! Ring 3, Elven Wrestling, last call! Ring 1, Troll Siege, armory! Ring 2, bar . . .”
The crowds thinned as a fair number of the elves present in the lounge vanished simultaneously. Jenner joined the players at the bar. It was a mixed group of two dozen: human and demon players in ordinary street clothes and a few in cheap armor; a clutch of elves tying back their long hair and tightening their belts around tunic-like shirts; a twosome of cat shifters wearing T-shirts identifying them as such; and a dwarf who looked reluctant to enter his hammer into his inventory at a friend’s behest.
Nobody appeared to be overly ill at ease about the challenge to come, which was reassuring. Then again, a harder examination revealed that the most casual were the elves. It reminded Jenner of what Rosy said in the dungeon about elven abilities. They were fast and nimble and highly intelligent; something onerous for a human was easy as pie to them. The cat shifters were fairly nonplussed as well.
Though he and Rosy got a few looks and a handful of grins, nobody spoke to them. Like everyone else outside the lounge, people just wanted to talk to their friends about the troll invasion.
“Hey, Jenner.” It was that lovely mermaid nurse, who had traded her scrubs for a flowing blue blouse and tan trousers. Her blue-green hair on the sides of her head was braided to keep it from tangling into her ear jewelry.
“Hey! Ocelo, right?” Jenner asked.
“He still doesn’t need a health potion!” Rosy said indignantly. “You women need to stop trying to get into his purse.”
“Goddammit, Rosy,” Jenner swore.
Ocelo laughed and pinched the teacup’s handle teasingly. “I’m not selling anything to your player, teacup. I’m here for the Sky-High challenge. Have you run it before?”
Rosy looked abashed to have its insult met by good spirits. “You can call me Rosy.”
“No, we haven’t done the Sky-High before,” Jenner replied. “Have you?”
“Ring 3, Elven Wrestling has begun! Ring 1, Troll Siege, report to the armory for your weapons upgrade! Ring 2, Sky-High, last call over at the bar!”
“I failed my first attempt last week,” Ocelo said. “My finger touched the bell a split second too late. But I knew I’d be running this twice, so I expected it.”
The game attempted to flash a notification in front of Jenner’s face about allies and reputations, but he shifted his gaze in irritation to make it go away. “You did? How did you know?”
“I just know sometimes.” Like yesterday, her eyes trained upon a distant point beyond the lounge. “It’s there in the waves how things play out, and sometimes I catch a stream. I’ll make the bell today.”
Fascinated, Jenner said, “Will I?”
She returned to the right time and place to throw him a cheeky grin. “Where is the fun if you know?”
“Ring 2, Sky-High, final call!”
ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE? Your match is about to begin! Say YES to accept the Sky-High Challenge.
“Yes,” Jenner said, as did Ocelo and all the others around them.
Two more players bolted across the lounge to join them at the bar. Then Jenner blinked, and he was outside.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Each player was standing upon an individual podium in Ring 2. They were laid out in a wide circle around a strange, beige-colored tower.
Rope nets stretched from posts near the podiums up to where the first floor of the tower met the second. In the outer walls of the second story were pegs and grooves to aid with climbing up to the third, but even as Jenner stared, some of those pegs vanished, and new grooves appeared in different places. Where the third story began was a plateau, narrow but steady, yet the ledges that went diagonally up the next two stories were moving in and out of the wall.
At the base of the fifth story was a doorway. From there, one went on through two more floors on foot. The tower terminated at the seventh floor, which had no walls but a huge golden bell suspended in the air.
Pointing to the bell, Jenner cried, “I have to get to that up there in ten minutes? How?”
He was speaking to the teacup, but it was the mermaid who answered. She was upon the podium to his left. “By going slowly,” she said.
“Don’t listen to her!” Rosy hissed in Jenner’s ear. “Never take advice from someone who didn’t pass the challenge.”
“That makes no sense!” Jenner whispered back. He wished he had another luck potion to swallow. “She learned because she failed.”
“Yes,
I did learn from that,” Ocelo said, though she could not possibly have heard their whispers. “The faster you go, the more rushed you feel, the less likely you are to reach the top. Be slow, be methodical, ignore the music, and take care.”
Jenner looked out to the bleachers in the stadium. A Sky-High challenge was not the draw of a loot chest. Not even a quarter of the seats were filled. No bookies were walking the aisles; this wasn’t a challenge worth betting on. The announcer was a different one in Ring 2, his bored voice drifting over the sound system as he described what the players had to accomplish.
The jumbo screens weren’t stirring up any excitement either by showing the tricks of the tower or the players on the podiums. A commercial for Portal Purses wrapped up, and then Jenner was staring at a heavily doctored image of himself on the screens. They were showing his jump yesterday off the troll statue in the garden, the Gregallan glove changed into a sword he was holding aloft, and a dragon in the background bellowing fire.
Jenner was being shown from the back to accentuate his very bare buttocks. Jumping off the statue beside him was the teacup at a comical tilt. Printed below, it said RELEASE THE WARRIOR WITHIN YOU.
Quivering as it viewed the screen, the cup said, “I . . . am . . . famous.”
“You and my naked ass are famous,” Jenner said, snickering even in his embarrassment.
“I told you that you had a cute ass,” Rosy said. “Didn’t I tell you that?”
“Thanks, weirdo.”
“Hey! Hey, you! Mermaid chick!” Rosy yelled proudly. “That’s me up there!”
Ocelo laughed at the picture. “Congrats!”
The picture faded away for another commercial.
“If I fail,” Jenner called to the mermaid, “can’t I just sign up again for the next one today?”
She shook her head. “Next week. The game will recommend you take part in some obstacle courses in the city to improve your skills. The entry price is cheap: one pence will get you a full run through the course, and two pence an NPC personal trainer to help you through it.”