by Love, B. T.
Knowing my place, I refrained from asking him any questions and stayed silent as he came back inside. He shut the door behind him and pulled his shirt off over his head, looking at me with a straight face. “You wanna take a shower with me?” he asked.
“Sure.”
Without a word he walked back to his room and I followed closely behind him. Whatever Vladimir had talked to him about was obviously weighing heavily on his mind, because it was apparent that his thoughts were elsewhere.
Back in the bathroom we stripped naked and he turned on the water and stepped inside of the large glass-walled shower. He held out his hand for me to take and when I did he pulled me against his hard body. “I want you,” he said as he pulled my arms up and placed them over his shoulders.
“Then take me,” I breathed as my mouth met with his.
He listened instantly and pressed my back against the glass wall of the shower as his tongue delved deep into my mouth. I held on tightly to his wet body as he pulled my legs around his waist and pushed his weight against me.
He was different this time. The times before were either playful and wild, or sweet and romantic. On this occasion he was quiet and contemplative, yet I could sense tension in his body and anger in his mind. He was making love to me with a passionate rage.
I gripped his body with mine, allowing him to vent his frustrations to me, not at all a talker but telling me his secrets in a much different way. But he didn’t need to say a word because I knew by his body alone that he was conflicted inside. And even though he had his secrets, at least he was giving me something.
His kiss ended as he did and he held me against him with his forehead touching mine. The water ran over our bodies, washing away whatever emotions had just come out of him.
I dropped one leg at a time from around him and lowered my feet to the floor. “Are you okay?” I quietly asked.
His breaths slowly returned to normal as he pulled his head back to better see me. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t seem fine.”
“Please don’t start asking questions, Scarlett.”
I hesitated before finally nodding and laying my head down against his broad shoulder. “Okay, Troy,” I whispered.
He wrapped his arms tightly around me, securing me against him. “Don’t say it like that.”
“I’m just respecting what you’re asking me to do.”
He lowered his head and rested his lips against the top of my wet hair. “Something was brought to my attention. I have to go deal with someone today.”
My eyes closed at the violent thought that danced through my head. “Is it dangerous?”
He sighed heavily through his nose. “Everything about my job is dangerous.”
Twelve
My Dear Scarlett,
How wonderful it would be to talk to you so you could put my mind at ease. But all I have are these four walls to talk to right now, and they don’t say anything back.
Today was another bad day for me. Things got heated between me and another guy and long story short a riot ensued. As soon as it got started it just escalated so quickly, and pretty soon I looked around to see about sixty or seventy of my fellow inmates going at it with each other. It took fifteen minutes before the guards even got a handle on us all, and they could only do that by shooting pepper spray at us. In the end ten prisoners ended up getting badly injured, most of them suffering from broken bones, but a few of them were stabbed.
No one ratted us two out as the ones who started it all, but after everything calmed down and we were escorted back to our cells it got me thinking. This was yet another thing that was my fault that got other people hurt. I was having beef with one guy and because of that I started a riot that ended up hurting close friends of mine in the process.
Will I ever learn, Scarlett? Will I always be one of the bad guys? I don’t always look at myself as one of the bad guys. I was a good father to you kids and I still try to be. With you it’s much harder because this is all I can do, but with Eli I talk to him all the time and still handle things on the outside from inside here to provide for him. By the time I get out of here I’m hoping it will be like I never left.
I could have been a better husband. If I were then maybe your mother wouldn’t have been so drastic with her decision to up and move you clear across the country. I spent too much time handling my personal business and pushing her to the side, choosing to spend whatever free time I had when I had it with you kids. I should have taken her on more dates, I should have said kinder words to her when I was home. But I can’t go back and fix those times. If I could, I never would have ended up in here.
Sometimes I just want to end it all. I hope you’ve never felt that way before, because let me tell you, it’s a scary way to feel. Sometimes for days on end I plot a way to take myself out so I can be done with the feelings of guilt that continuously eat me up inside. But I always go back to thinking about you kids, and you two are the only ones who keep me breathing each day. And that’s partly because I know Eli needs me, even though he’s grown. And the other reason is because I hope to be connected with you again in the future. You’re an adult now, and even though you haven’t tried searching me out yet I know that someday you might change your mind. And I want you to know that I understand why you haven’t reached out. Your mother has returned all of our letters, and I honestly feel like you don’t know about us trying to stay in contact with you. But I still dream that one day I will either find you or you will come to find me. And when that day comes it will be a good day. It will be a very good day.
I love you, sweetheart.
Daddy
I folded my dad’s letter back into itself and hugged my pillow as a tear fell against it. Troy had been gone all day, and it was almost midnight. I was afraid, afraid he was hurt, afraid he was going to get himself killed. The longer I stayed connected to Troy, the harder it was for me to accept what he did for a living. Not necessarily because of what he did, but because he could end up being the one with the knife cutting into his neck. Someone could kill him just as easily.
I rolled over and clicked off the bedside lamp. I noticed right away that my room was darker than usual, because it was missing the soft glow from the hot tub’s light out back. Getting up quickly, I rushed to the window and peered outside. Everything was black outside, no light from the pool, no light from the hot tub.
I went downstairs and out the back door to see if Troy was hiding somewhere in the dark. When I went through the path in the bushes I could make out his silhouette in the moonlight.
“Troy?” I quietly called out to him.
He was sunk down in the water with his head resting back against the side of the concrete hot tub. “Hey baby,” he answered back, something obscuring his speech. I could tell right away it was from the placement of his cigar between his teeth.
I walked over and stood behind him. “Long day?”
“You can say that.”
I pulled up the legs of my pajama pants and sat down behind him, sinking a leg into the comforting warmth of the water on each side of his body. He relaxed his head against me and continued to puff on his cigar as I ran my fingers through his wet hair in an attempt to comfort him.
“Troy?”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever considered giving up your profession?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“And do what, Scarlett?” he asked with irritation.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “You could do anything.”
He took his cigar out of his mouth and handed it up to me. “Smoke this for me.”
“You know I don’t smoke.”
“Try it.”
“I don’t want to Troy; you know how I feel about smoking.”
“Why can’t you just do it? For me?”
“Because I don’t have any interest in it. God, what’s your deal? Get off it already.”
He brought the cigar back down in front of him.
“Pretty irritating when someone tries to convince you to do something you don’t want to do, huh?”
I rolled my eyes behind him. “Okay I get your point.”
“I’m not your typical man, Scarlett; you know that. I’m a different breed.”
“It doesn’t mean you can’t at least try.”
“I came out here to relax, are you gonna let me do that or what?”
I pulled my legs out of the water and stood up behind him. “I’ll just go back inside.”
He sat up in the tub, bringing his shoulders out of the water and turning around to see me. “Baby, come on. We’ve talked about his before. You know who I am and I’m not going to change, even for you.”
“I know,” I agreed with a nod. “I just . . . I was worried about you all day today. I didn’t know when you were coming back and my mind just kind of wandered. Now I’m afraid you’ll be killed and—”
“Scarlett,” he cut in, “I go after people, not the other way around. No one is interested in hunting me down. They’re too afraid.”
“It doesn’t mean you’re invincible. What if someone you’re going to go take care of gets the upper hand?”
“That’ll never happen,” he answered casually.
“Argh!” I puffed with frustration. “You are so sure of yourself; it’s infuriating.” I flipped around and walked off, done with our conversation. I heard him growl behind me as he jumped out of the hot tub and came after me.
“Get your ass back here,” he demanded.
I turned around to face him and crossed my arms. “What?”
“What do you mean, what?” he huffed. “I was minding my own business back here trying to unwind from a very stressful day and you come out here and try to lecture me on becoming a model citizen and joining the daily grind like every other male in this country. But as I’ve said many times before, I am who I am.” He took one last puff from his cigar before tossing it to the side and putting his hands on his hips, awaiting my reply.
“Jeez, I was just trying to enlighten you about your options,” I said.
“You mean because I’m an idiot and I don’t know what my options are already?”
“No, I—”
“I’m good at what I do,” he interrupted me.
“I know you are.”
“And, and I enjoy it,” he said, his voice taking on a softer tone as if he were a bit embarrassed to admit it. He sighed and stepped forward, moving his hands from his hips to my arms. “No one can make me change the way that I am. This is just me. This is the only way I know how to deal with the things I saw when I was young. The only way I can survive in this world is to do the job that I do. Everyone copes in their own way; doing what I do is a coping mechanism for me. And if you can’t handle that about me then, then I guess we can’t be—”
“Can’t be what?” I cut him off. “Can’t be together? Are you breaking up with me?”
His broad shoulders lightly shrugged. “Scarlett, were we even together?”
My eyes closed tightly, his words slicing through my heart like the machete he was apparently so good at wielding. “No,” I said as I opened my eyes and stared up at him. “I guess we weren’t.” I shrugged his hands off of me and turned around, going back inside.
I couldn’t hold back the tears as I went upstairs and locked my bedroom door behind me. It was finally apparent to me that I was a fool for thinking it could work out between us. Who was I kidding? He was a hitman, a dangerous breed of a man who took the life out of people with little to no regret whatsoever. How could a man like that be capable of loving me? I knew the answer: He couldn’t be. Which was why it was apparently so easy for him to let me go.
I pulled out my suitcase and threw it on my bed so I could start packing up my belongings. Leaving was the only option I had at that point. My dad and brother were too busy with whatever illegal crap they were indulged in, which left barely any time for them to spend with me anyway. I figured I might as well take the next plane I could get so I could go back home and try to heal from this both intoxicating and devastating vacation.
After half of my clothes were packed there was a knock at my door. “Go away,” I said quietly, not wishing to speak to Troy.
“It’s Eli.”
I sighed and went to the door, unlocking it and opening it to see my brother staring back at me with worried eyes. “Hey,” I said, leaving him to go back to my suitcase.
He stepped into my room and stared at the bed. “You’re packing . . .”
“Yeah. I think I’m going to go home tomorrow.”
“So soon?”
“Yeah,” I shrugged. “I got the visit in with you that I felt I needed to get.” I looked over at him with a smile before throwing another shirt in my suitcase.
He nodded, but his expression was void. “I just talked to Troy.” He waited for me to say something but I chose to stay quiet as I pulled more clothes off of the hangers in the closet. “He knows what’s best for you, Scarlett.”
“Of course he does,” I said quietly. “Everyone seems to know what’s best for little Scarlett Nicoletti. Troy, you, dad, my mom . . . Everyone likes to make my decisions for me, like I’m some kind of infant.” I stuffed the last shirt in my bag and zipped it closed. “Well you know what? I’m a grown-ass woman who is capable of making her own decisions. And that’s what I’m going to make sure I do from now on, starting with the decision I’m making to go back home tomorrow. And when I get back home I’m going to transfer to a different college and pursue the career I want and move where I want. I’m done being bossed around by everyone I know.”
I could tell something was weighing heavily on his mind as he nodded back. “I completely agree.”
I sighed and went over to him, putting my arms around him with a tight hug. “I love you, Eli. And I’ll be sure to come out and visit you as much as I can.”
His arms hugged me back with the type of love only siblings could feel. “I love you too, Scarlett. I’ll be sure to come visit you as well. And I want to help you pay for school.”
I pulled my head back and smiled up at him. “You don’t have to do that, Eli.”
“I want to. Dad and I have already been discussing trying to help you with going back to school to be what you really want to be.”
“You mean a marine biologist? Did I tell you that?”
“Troy told me.”
I let him go and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “What else did he tell you? Did he tell you that he used me?”
“He didn’t use you, Scarlett.”
“Well you don’t know everything we’ve experienced since I’ve been down here.”
“I know enough. And what I said still stands about Troy knowing what’s best for you.”
I nodded and looked down at the ground, giving up. “I know, Eli. Which is why I’m doing what he wants and am leaving the first chance that I get.”
I could hear him let out a light breath of air. “You know Scarlett, I’ve known Troy for a long time now, and I have to tell you that he became a different person when you showed up. You made him happy in a way I’ve never seen before.”
“Well, apparently not happy enough,” I said, looking back up at him. “And that’s okay, because I’m going to hold my head high and get over it. I’m just going to concentrate on moving on with my life and forgetting about the man that my family told me to stay away from in the first place.”
His eyes were sad as he smiled at me. “Well let me know when you find out what time your flight’s leaving. I’ll take you to the airport.”
“I will.”
He went back to the door and put his hand on the handle. “Goodnight,” he said as he left my room, closing the door behind him.
I sighed and looked back over at my suitcase. It was so full already, I didn’t know how I was going to fit all of my letters in there. I unzipped the large zipper on the front of it and began stuffing what I could of the envelopes in there, which was a good amount. I zipped the
pocket closed and opened the main part again, taking out a couple of shirts I didn’t care about leaving behind so I could fit the rest of the letters inside. When I had almost fit them all inside my eyes caught the scrawling of a familiar style of handwriting, my mother’s, on the front of one of the envelopes. It was addressed to my dad and it had already been opened, presumably by him. A letter in the box from my mother was completely unexpected. I took it out of the envelope quickly, dying to know what was written inside.
Dear Mitch,
I wish you and Eli would stop writing letters to Scarlett. I made the decision long ago to separate her from the life you live so she could have a fighting chance in this world. Do you really want your daughter to be exposed to the life of crime you’re involved in? I know you still have ties to the outside and are carrying on your business. If Scarlett were to be exposed to that life she would grow up following in the same footsteps as you, which is something that I am completely against. She is a good girl and I’m going to raise her as such.
I don’t understand how you have the audacity to try and contact her after you were responsible for almost getting her killed. Do you remember that day? Do you remember holding your bleeding daughter in your arms? Well I’m sure you don’t remember how she fought for her life in the hospital, because you weren’t there. No, you were already taken away for being involved in the things you were. I didn’t even have the support of a husband by my side to get me through that tragic event. And poor Eli, shot in the arm and suffering as well, not just from his own physical pain but from the emotional pain of seeing his sister unconscious with tubes shoved down her throat.
We were already growing apart when that had happened, Mitch. And quite frankly, that horrific incident was the last straw. I’m guilty for waiting until something like that had to happen before I left you.
If I had it my way she wouldn’t even know your side of the family existed. So I’m doing the next best thing and sending back the letters you all send her. She doesn’t need all of your negativity in her life.