“Gloria’s always taken her job seriously. What’s wrong with that?”
Foster shook his head. “Maybe I’m wrong, but I think you should talk with her. Unless I’m reading her wrong, she could use a friend right now.”
That was all Portia needed. She would see Gloria today and they would discuss whatever it was that was causing the strain in their friendship. She missed her friend and she hoped Gloria missed her too. “I’ll stop by her office on my way out. Thanks, Foster. Maybe you aren’t the womanizer that I’ve made you out to be.”
Foster laughed. Before he walked away, he said, “Don’t be too sure about that. There’s more than one way to go about a task.”
Portia watched him walk away with an almost smile on her face. Gloria had better be careful, she thought.
***
“Have you been avoiding me?”
Gloria looked up and saw Portia’s head poked in her office doorway. She didn’t answer immediately because Portia was partially correct. “Don’t be silly. Come on in.”
As Portia walked into the office, Gloria felt a familiar pang of jealousy. Portia looked as if she were about to deliver any minute now. Gloria hadn’t realized the strength of her feelings about Portia’s pregnancy. It still pained her to see her friend. She and Josh didn’t need a baby now. She knew that. They needed to get their work situations settled before even considering a family. Then, why did looking at Portia’s stomach make her feel so empty inside?
Portia eased down in the chair and put her hands on her stomach. “You didn’t answer my question. Have I done something to offend you?”
Gloria felt guilty about the way she had treated Portia. “It’s nothing you’ve done. It’s me.”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” Portia said.
Gloria smiled. Portia was not being herself this Monday morning. It was very much unlike her not to want to talk about anything. She wondered if pregnancy had mellowed her some. A part of her hoped not. “No, I do want to talk about it. Do you have some time?” At Portia’s nod, Gloria told her about the conversation with Elliot that had been gnawing at her.
“Does what he said bother you because you think he’s right?”
“I’m not willing to say yet that I think he’s right, but he has a point. Why would I choose this job over following Josh? Does that mean I don’t value my marriage as much as I value my job? What kind of wife am I?”
“Hold on a minute here,” Portia said. “First of all, you didn’t choose your job over Josh. You compromised with him. He needed to take the job in Raleigh and you gave him a way to do so. That sounds like a good wife to me.”
Gloria wondered how she could have forgotten how supportive Portia was. She had done herself and Portia a great disservice by distancing herself. She needed her friend now more than ever. “But did we do the right thing? Could we have done something else? If we were more in love, would we have done something else?”
“There’s no right or wrong. You made the best decision you could at the time. Has it been working?”
Gloria shook her head slowly. “Not really. Our work schedules are so busy that our plans for swapping weekends aren’t working out with any regularity. It’s like we have two separate lives.” The Cascade project was consuming more of her time than she had planned. Time that she and Josh had planned to spend together.
“Damn. That’s not good. What’s it like when you are together?”
Gloria shrugged as she remembered her last visit to Raleigh. Cordial was the first word to come to mind. They hadn’t argued. It was as though they were determined to have a good weekend. If not arguing meant a good weekend, then they had achieved their goal, but using any other measure the weekend had been a failure. They had made love, but that, too, was cordial.
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
“Do? What can I do?”
“Come on now. If this were a problem with venture capital, you’d already have your game plan in hand. This is no different. You’ve got to get to work, girlfriend. That is, if you want to save your marriage. But if you don’t, then—”
“Of course I want to save my marriage. Why would you even say something like that?”
Portia slid out of her chair and raised herself up. “I’m calling ’em like I see ’em. You’re sitting around pouting about something somebody said about your marriage instead of trying to fix what’s wrong with it. Doesn’t sound like the right use of your energies to me, but then, what do I know?” When she reached the door, she turned and said, “Join Dexter and me for dinner sometime. We miss you.”
Gloria stared at the door after Portia had waddled out. What had started out as an encouraging conversation had quickly turned defensive. Well, Portia could have given her some advice. Portia always gave advice. Hell, Elliot giving advice and Portia not giving advice. Was she in the Twilight Zone or what?
She wasn’t in the Twilight Zone, but she knew she was at a critical point in her life and in her marriage. When she had married Josh, everything was so clear. They would get married, get established, have a family. Josh’s job loss caused the plan to get off track. Now that Josh was employed again they were back on track. Or they should have been. With the raise Josh had gotten in his new job, they had already restored the savings they had depleted so money was not an issue. They were on track for Gloria to get pregnant and quit work. Therein was the problem. Did she still want to get pregnant? If she did, did she want to quit work?
She knew how her mother would have handled a situation like this. Her mother would have had the kids and continued the career. That was her mom. She had done it all. Or she had tried. She kept everything orderly, all right, but she was not the wife and mother that Gloria wanted to pattern her life after. No way. Not that women couldn’t do both. It was just that her mother hadn’t done it well. Gloria always felt that her mother valued her career above her family. She had vowed not to repeat that mistake.
That’s why Elliot’s comments had hurt so much. They made her realize how much she had changed. It discouraged her to think that she had lived so long with such unrealistic thoughts. How many families today lived on one salary? What made her think she and Josh could? No, when Josh had lost his job, she had realized how fortunate they were that she was working. It made her shiver to think how they would have fared if they’d had a couple of kids and she hadn’t been working. She was glad to have gotten the reality check.
And, she admitted, it wasn’t only the money. It was the work. She loved it. In her new position, she could do things that made a difference in people’s lives, in the community. Didn’t she have a responsibility to do that? If she left the bank, would her replacement be as sensitive to the concerns of the African-American community as she was? She didn’t think so. No, if she gave up her job, it would be a loss for her and for those members of the African-American community that she could help.
This didn’t mean that she no longer wanted kids; she did. But she knew she wouldn’t stop working when she had them. No, she would do both. Besides, she had come to realize how much she enjoyed her work. And like her mother, she felt that her work was important. She thought that Josh knew now how important her work was to her, but she didn’t know if Josh had concluded that she didn’t want to quit her job even to have children.
Children? How could she think about children now? It took two people to make a baby, and with the small amount of time she and Josh spent together, it would be a miracle if she got pregnant. Especially since she was still taking the pill.
Fifteen
Josh did a double take on the date on his desk calendar. It couldn’t be, he thought. It couldn’t be. But it was. His anniversary was coming up in two weeks. He couldn’t believe he had let it slip up on him like this.
He got out of his chair and walked over to the windows, his hands in his pockets. What was happening to him and Gloria? They were growing apart. That’s what was happening. Th
ey were too busy. Too busy for each other. But not too busy for Darlene, a small voice said.
Josh pushed the thought away. Things with Darlene hadn’t changed. They were friends. Nothing more. He was still in love with Gloria. They just weren’t making time for each other as they should. Too many things were more important than their time together.
He walked back to his desk and looked again at his calendar. He had a meeting the Friday of his anniversary weekend, but he was going to cancel it. He and Gloria would have this time together regardless.
He picked up the phone and dialed her number. “I’m asking you for a date. The weekend of the tenth. You have to go. No excuses allowed. What do you say?”
“I say, yes,” she whispered. She had realized the date herself only yesterday. It had pained her to think that Josh had forgotten. Thank God he had remembered. “I almost forgot.”
“Sweetheart, we have to do something about this.”
She knew he was right. Four months into this commuter marriage and they both had to acknowledge that it wasn’t working as they had planned. Gloria knew that much of the blame lay at her feet. Her work was consuming more of her time than she had planned, but what could she do? Now that she was in this Cascade project, she had to see it through. “What are we going to do, Josh?”
She heard him sigh and she knew she had given the wrong answer. “Let’s just enjoy our anniversary. We’ll talk about everything else after our trip.”
Gloria didn’t argue. She wasn’t all that anxious to discuss their commuter marriage anyway since she still didn’t have any answers. “Where are we going?” she asked, changing the subject.
She heard the smile in his voice. “I’m not telling you.”
“Tell me. You know I’m going to find out anyway.”
Josh laughed then. It wasn’t a real laugh, but it was close. “That’s one thing I don’t have to worry about. There’s no way for you to search through the closet here in Raleigh before the trip.”
***
Gloria was leaving for the airport when the phone rang. She was tempted to ignore it, but she thought it might be Josh. “Yes,” she said.
“Gloria, it’s Dexter. We’re at the hospital. Portia’s in labor.”
Gloria dropped her bag. “How is she, Dexter?”
“The baby’s early, but the doctors say they’re both fine.” The words rushed out of Dexter’s mouth. “I’ve been with her, but they made me leave the room while they do some tests. You don’t think anything is wrong, do you?”
Gloria withheld a smile. Dexter was nervous and it was so endearing. He probably needed her support more than Portia did. “How about I come down and sit with you?”
“Would you, Gloria? I’d really appreciate it. I’m a wreck right now.”
She smiled. “Sure, Dexter, I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Sit tight. Everything’s going to be okay.”
Gloria hung up the phone and took a deep breath before making her next call. “Portia’s in labor,” she said when Josh answered the phone.
“Are you at the hospital?”
“No, I’m still home. I was on my way to the airport when Dexter called. I told him I’d be there in about twenty minutes. I’m sorry, Josh.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’ll take a flight down tonight and meet you at the airport. We don’t want to miss the birth of our first godchild. We have the rest of the weekend to celebrate our anniversary.”
Gloria let out the breath that she had been holding. She didn’t know what she would have done with Josh’s anger. “You’re not mad?” It was more an observation than a question.
“I’m disappointed, but I’m not mad. I want to be there for Dexter and Portia. I should be able to get to the hospital in the next few hours. Why don’t you go over there? Tell Dexter I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“I love you, Josh.”
“I love you too.”
***
Portia delivered the baby an hour before Josh’s cab dropped him off at the hospital. He found Gloria standing in front of the nursery glass staring at the baby. He watched her, wondering, all the while knowing, what her thoughts were. He walked over and stood behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Which one is it?” he asked.
Gloria pointed to the third bassinet from the left. It was pink.
“A girl” Josh said, his voice full of awe. “She’s gorgeous. Have they named her yet?”
Gloria nodded. “Paige,” she said, her voice muffled by what he expected had been tears. “They named her Paige.”
Josh pulled Gloria back against him. “How is Portia?”
“She’s fine.”
“And how are you?” he asked, turning her around so that he could see her. He was right. She had been crying. He wiped her tears. “Happy tears, I hope.”
She nodded again. “You should have seen them,” she said, her voice stronger now. “I don’t know who was more excited, Portia or Dexter.”
“Where’s the happy father?” Josh looked around the empty corridor.
“He’s with Portia. He’s spending the night with her. Do you want to visit with them?”
“No, we can come back in the morning. I’m sure they want to be alone tonight.”
“I think you’re right.”
“Are you ready to go home?” he asked. When she nodded yes, he took her hand and led her out of the hospital.
They were quiet for most of the ride home. Josh watched Gloria even as he drove. Her hands rested protectively across her stomach. He didn’t have to guess where her thoughts were.
“Do you think we’ll be able to reschedule our trip?” he asked.
“I don’t know, Josh,” she answered absently. “My schedule is pretty busy and will be until this Cascade thing is settled.”
“I don’t remember you working this much before. Is it my overactive imagination or are you really working more?”
“It’s not you. This project is taking a lot out of me.”
“Does it have to?”
She didn’t like the question because she didn’t know how to answer it in a way that would make him understand. “Right now, it does, but it should be over soon.” She went on to tell him about the snafu that had come up in the Cascade project.
“Do you think you’re going to be able to pull it off?” he asked.
“Yes.” Her answer was immediate. “This project is too important for me to let it fail.”
Josh heard the surety and passion in her yes answer and it saddened him. Where would they be if she had that same passion for their relationship?
***
Josh was already in bed when Gloria finished in the bathroom. His gaze caught hers as soon as she walked through the door and he never let it go. She slipped the straps of her gown down her arms as she walked toward him. By the time she reached the bed, she stood before him naked.
Josh responded to his wife’s nakedness by reaching out his hand to her. When she took it, he squeezed it tight and pulled her to him. Her eyes widened when she saw that he was also naked. His heartbeat increased.
When her silky skin touched his, he felt her heat. Or was it his? Maybe it was theirs. It really didn’t matter. What mattered was that this was their anniversary and they were together. They had made it through two years of marriage. But would they make it through a third? an unbidden voice pushed through his mind. He shook his head slightly to force the thought away. But it was too late. The damage had already been done.
Gloria saw the flash of uncertainty pass across Josh’s face and she wondered what had caused it. She touched her hand to his face and pulled him closer to her. “I love you,” she said. “I’ve always loved you.”
But will you keep loving me? he asked silently. Will we always be together? He couldn’t bring himself to ask the question aloud. He did the easier thing. He kissed her. No, he ravaged her mouth. It was as if this kiss had to bind him to her. He pushed deeper into her mouth,
crushing her body to his. When she moaned, he wondered if he was hurting her. A part of him knew he should ease up, but he couldn’t. If he eased up, he would lose her.
***
Josh lay awake listening to the rapid beat of his heart, stroking his hand down Gloria’s back as she lay contented on his chest. It would take him a while to get over this last bout of lovemaking. They’d gone to a new level tonight. Maybe he’d gotten her pregnant this time, he thought, then our problems would solve themselves.
Gloria lifted her head from his chest. A grin covered her face. “Have you been taking Superman shots or something?” she teased.
Josh couldn’t help but grin. His masculine ego received the well-deserved stroke. “Do you think we made a baby?” he asked.
He would have sworn the light in her eyes dimmed. “Maybe” was all she said.
He squeezed her to him. “I hope so.”
Gloria lay her head back down on his chest and chided herself for not telling him the truth. But, she reasoned, she hadn’t really lied. There was a chance she could be pregnant. Come on, Gloria, her conscience poked, how can you be pregnant if you’re still taking birth control pills?
Gloria wanted to push her conscience away, but she couldn’t. She should have told him. She should have told him a while ago. She’d gotten back on the pill the weekend Josh had gone to San Francisco. It seemed such a reasonable move then. Now, it seemed like betrayal. A lie. How would Josh respond when he found out? She didn’t know and she wouldn’t find out today because she wasn’t going to tell him.
Sixteen
“You do this well,” Darlene said when Josh handed her the next stack of T-shirts.
“You think I missed my calling—I should’ve been a T-shirt vendor rather than a corporate engineer?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “That’s not what I meant. It’s just that you seem so comfortable here. Sometimes you corporate honcho types have problems doing the small tasks. You’re more comfortable giving orders.”
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