“But then he began to drink and he and my mother began to argue. His jokes stopped being funny and the laughter and playfulness around our house ended. One night I saw him hit her. They didn’t know I was watching them. I wanted to help my mom but I was afraid my dad would hurt me. So, I waited until he left the house before going to her.”
Tears formed in Gloria’s eyes as he told her about the little boy who had been forced to grow up much too soon. She heard guilt in his voice, and sought to ease it. “You were a child, Josh, there was nothing you could do. I’m sorry you had to go through it.”
“My mom and I never discussed what happened,” he continued, as if she hadn’t spoken. “I think she knew I saw what had happened, but she never talked about it. Anyway, my dad died for me that night and I promised myself I would protect my mother from that point on.”
“Oh, Josh,” she said. She wanted to comfort him, but she sensed he needed to do this alone.
“Life was never the same for us. Even though Dad had another job by the time I was thirteen, we were never able to recapture what we had. It was as if we had become a different family. I can’t really explain it. When I look back on it now, I see that I blamed my father and his job loss for everything. If only my dad had been able to keep his job, none of those things would have happened. We could have stayed the happy family. Of course, I never said any of this, but I’m sure my dad knew. I’m sure he did.”
“You don’t have to do this, Josh,” she said again. His pain was almost unbearable for her. “You don’t have to relive it.”
“Let me finish, Gloria,” he said. “I need to finish. For us, if we’re going to have a life together. Anyway, I made it through high school and I actually felt relief when I left for college. My parents were killed in a car accident at the beginning of my sophomore year. Dad had been drinking. That was one habit he hadn’t gotten rid of when he got his new job.” His voice broke then and he wiped his eyes. He was silent for a few long seconds. “I’ve always felt that I could have somehow prevented the accident had I been there. I hadn’t kept my promise to take care of my mom. It was my fault she was dead.”
“Josh, that’s not so. There was nothing you could do. It was an accident. You can’t blame yourself.”
“But for a long time I did. I stayed in school and dedicated myself to my studies. I never dated much before that but afterwards I stopped altogether. That’s how I got the nickname Iceman. I didn’t trust myself with women. Didn’t trust myself to take care of them.”
It was all making sense now. Somehow in his mind Josh had gotten his supposed responsibility for his mother mixed up with his care for her. Somehow his not having a job meant he wasn’t taking care of her.
“Then I met you.” He looked over at her and smiled. “It was as if something inside me opened. You crawled inside me and all my defenses were gone. And the amazing thing was that I didn’t fight it. I knew I loved you from that first day and I’ve never stopped.”
Tears streamed down her face at his words. He did love her. How could she have doubted it?
“Do you remember how we used to talk about our future together? I loved making plans with you. And I loved seeing them come true. When I lost that job at General Electronics, something inside me broke. On the outside I tried to remain calm and optimistic. But inside I knew I was my father all over again. Fear crippled me and distorted my view of everything. My sole goal was not to become my father and here I was doing the same things he had done.”
“No, Josh.”
“My self-esteem, my manhood, my pride, all took a beating. Every job lead that didn’t turn out, every interview that led nowhere. It was a constant battle to keep up a front of control. I was dying inside. And I began to feel that I was letting you down, not living up to the life that I had promised you.”
She remembered him saying something like that before. She had tried to reassure him, but obviously it hadn’t been enough.
“I was really hurt the night I overheard your conversation with Marilyn and found out about your promotion. I knew then that things were getting away from me. That you were getting away from me. Then, when Portia announced her pregnancy, well, that was the last straw. I knew drastic measures were called for.” He looked over at her again. “I knew you didn’t want to move, but I had to go to San Francisco. I thought I was losing you and I couldn’t lose you without a fight. I thought I needed a job, any job, to fight for you.”
“Oh, Josh,” Gloria cried.
“When the job in Raleigh came through, I had to take it. For me, for our marriage. At least, I told myself it was for our marriage. Now I know it was for me. With that job, I got back my self-esteem, my pride, my manhood. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s how I felt.”
“It doesn’t sound crazy at all. You were hurting. I’m sorry we couldn’t have helped each other out better then.” She had harbored some not so positive thoughts herself, thoughts she would have to confess, but now was not the time.
“I looked at Raleigh as the answer to our problems. I wanted to pick up with our dreams and plans as if nothing had happened. When you wouldn’t make the move, my insecurities kicked in again. I wondered if I had taken too long, if irreparable damage had already been done.”
She could see how he would have thought that.
“Now I know that my leaving and your staying here were the worst things we could have done. That’s why I’ve left Carolina Electronics and started the partnership with Elliot. It’s not just for me this time. It’s for us. I want you to be a part of this company with me. I won’t have a real salary coming in for a while. I need to know that you’ll support me in making a decision like this. We have savings to last us a while. We saw a big boost in our accounts in the last year—with your promotion and my new job—so it shouldn’t be a hardship for us. I don’t expect your answer right now, but I need to know soon if you’re with me on this, if this is the right thing for us.”
She was ready to answer him now, but he wouldn’t let her speak.
“Now, for the matter of Darlene. I didn’t sleep with her. She deliberately let you assume the wrong thing that morning. I swear that’s the truth. All I have as proof is my word and my love for you. You’ve got to decide whether that’s enough. If it is, I promise you I’ll never hurt you like that again. And if it isn’t, well . . . I can’t think about that because I don’t think I can live without you.”
When he had finished speaking, he stood up and she knew he was going to leave without allowing her to respond to all that he had said.
She followed him to the door, almost bumping into him when he turned around to look at her. He lifted a finger to her cheek. “I love you so much it hurts. I hope you’ll give me the chance to prove it to you.” Then, he gave her a gentle kiss on the lips, turned, and left the house.
***
Gloria stood there for a few long minutes with a finger against the spot on her lips that he had kissed. The man that just left was the man she had married. The man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. He wasn’t perfect. No, he was a little too macho in his outlook to be perfect. But he was hers and she loved him.
Gloria sat in the familiar bedroom she had shared with Josh since they had bought the house. It hadn’t taken her long to unpack since she hadn’t taken that much with her. God, it was good to be home.
She had decided last night that she was coming home today. She would have told Josh then, but he hadn’t given her the opportunity. It was probably better this way. She’d surprise him with dinner and then she’d tell him her side of the story.
Everything was all set for six o’clock. She looked at the clock on the nightstand. Josh should be home any minute. She had told Marilyn of her plans and had gotten her promise to have Josh out of her house by five-thirty. Yes, any minute now her life would start again. She had so much to tell him.
Josh felt the difference the minute he entered the house. When Gloria greeted him at the do
or, he wasn’t sure what to expect. She smiled and he took that as a positive sign.
“How was your day?” she asked as if she asked it every day.
“Fine. It was fine.” What was she up to?
She kissed him softly on the lips. “Well, come on. Dinner’s ready.”
She led him to the dining room, where the table was set for an intimate dinner for two—champagne, candlelight, and all. He looked over at her, a question in his eyes. “What are we celebrating?”
She took a seat at the table and smiled. “My coming home, of course. Now are you going to sit or not?”
He wanted to sweep her in his arms and tell her how happy he was, but he sensed that she had other plans. He took his seat across from her. “I can’t think of any better reasons for a celebration, Mrs. Martin.”
She poured them both a glass of champagne and then lifted her glass for a toast. “To beginnings.”
He tapped his glass to hers. “Beginnings.” He took a swallow and found it wasn’t champagne, but sparkling cider. Different, but good. Hell, water would have been good tonight. He had his wife back. And for good, he hoped.
They didn’t talk much after that, but the silence wasn’t a bad silence. No, it was a comfortable silence. A peaceful silence. Their love filled the space between them. It was heaven to bask in that love.
When they had finished their meal, Gloria suggested they have more cider in front of the fire. Josh ached to hold her in his arms. It had been so long. He didn’t want to wait. He knew this was her night, but he offered a suggestion. “What if we have our drinks upstairs?”
Gloria felt a heightened sensitivity in her body at his words. It had been so long since they had been together. She wanted it. She needed it. She had planned to talk first, to clear the air between them. But now what she had to say didn’t seem that important. She would show him instead. “That sounds like a good idea.”
Josh reached for her hand, its softness a balm to every hurt he had felt over the last two years. He wanted to be gentle with her tonight, to show her how much he cherished her, how much he loved her. But he didn’t know if he had that kind of control.
Gloria allowed him to lead her up the stairs to their bedroom. His quick intake of breath, followed by the passionate gaze that he sent her way, told her that he appreciated what she had done. There were flowers everywhere. Flowers and candles. And the bed, with its satin sheets, was already turned down.
She dropped his hand and went into the bathroom to put on the negligee she had bought especially for this night. As she undressed she realized that she was nervous. It had been a long time. And she had gained weight. She wondered if he would notice. If he would be pleased.
When she walked out of the bathroom, Josh was already in bed. He hadn’t bothered covering himself, so she could see how ready he was for her. It made her weak.
The look in his eyes told her that he liked the gown. He leaned up on an elbow and reached out his hand to her. She placed hers in it and he pulled her down to him. “God, you’re so beautiful,” he said. “You drive me crazy. You always have.”
She smiled a soft, feminine smile. The smile of a woman secure in her man’s feelings for her. “I guess that means you like the gown?”
He pulled the straps from her shoulders. “The gown has nothing to do with it. As a matter of fact, the gown is in the way.” He pulled it down farther until she stood naked before him. “You’re more beautiful than I remember. It seems even your breasts are fuller.”
Gloria responded to his recognition of the changes in her body by pulling his face to hers for long, wet and intoxicating kiss. She was telling him without words that their love had caused those changes.
The kiss only made Gloria want more. She was impatient to be joined once again with Josh. It had been too long since they had shared their love this way.
Josh must have read her thoughts for in the next instant she and Josh were one in body, soul and spirit.
Twenty-Five
Fear snaked up Josh’s body when he awoke alone in bed the next morning. Had it all been a dream? he wondered, shaking his head slowly. No, it hadn’t been a dream. He could still smell her perfume, and her side of the bed was mussed. Where was she?
As if she heard him, she strode naked from the bathroom. “Looking for somebody?”
His relief was palpable. “Welcome home, Mrs. Martin,” he said once she was back in bed and cuddled in his arms. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.” She squeezed him to her. “We almost lost each other, Josh.”
“I wouldn’t have let you go. I love you too much. I would have found some way to keep us together. Even if it killed me.” The words were strong and he meant them. She was everything to him.
“The things you said to me the other night at Portia’s meant a lot. I had almost given up hope of your opening up to me. We’ve been so distant.”
“That’s in the past now,” he said. They had made mistakes. Both of them. Dwelling on those mistakes wouldn’t help. “Thank you for believing in me.”
Gloria knew he was talking about Darlene and she wondered if she should tell him what she had overheard. No, she wouldn’t tell him. “I never stopped believing in you. I just got a little scared, a little confused.”
She could tell from his silence that Josh was waiting for her to say more. “It wasn’t just you who lost a job; we lost a job. I was hurt you didn’t allow me to share your pain.”
“I couldn’t, Gloria. I didn’t know how. And I was too scared. Too ashamed.”
“I know that now, but I didn’t then. All I knew was that you were keeping everything inside and not letting me in. I think it hurt more since before that we’d shared everything. Then, all of a sudden we were walking on eggshells around each other. When you stopped sharing, I thought I should do the same.”
“Would it help to talk about it now?”
Gloria breathed deeply and snuggled deeper into Josh’s arms. Now was her time of reckoning. She had to give an accounting of herself so they could put the past to rest. For good. “I got scared. Here we were the perfect Buppie couple, not a care in the world. Reality hit when you lost your job. We weren’t any different from anybody else. Our dreams weren’t guaranteed. Maybe they were even unrealistic.”
“It was a wake-up call for both of us. You can bet we’ll never be that naive again.”
“Right, Josh. But neither can we go to the other extreme, which is what I started to do.”
“What do you mean?”
“I started to focus on money and security too much. I needed guarantees, guarantees that couldn’t be provided.”
“You mean I couldn’t provide them.”
The pain in his voice would have stopped her, but the soothing touch of his hand up and down her arm let her know it was okay to continue. “In a way, yes. In spite of all the college and my success at work, my only real goal in life was to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be the mother that I never had. My family would come first.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“You’re right, it’s not. But when you lost your job, I became my mother. The importance of my work went up. And that was as it should be. The problem was the way I blew it out of proportion. I began to do the what-if’s—what if you lost your job again and I wasn’t working, what if we had kids. My work became my security.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that either.”
“Not by itself. But then I began to question our dreams, our plans. Who was I to think I could be a full-time mom? Everybody else works, why shouldn’t I? I even began to sympathize with Mom. Maybe her need for security drove her to work so much. Surprisingly, that was a comforting thought. Better than thinking she loved work more than she loved me.”
“I never knew you felt that way.”
She shrugged. “Neither of us ever talked much about our families. They weren’t happy stories, Josh.”
He knew she was right. They had tried to build a life and a future together without dealing with the past. It hadn’t worked. Thank God they had the chance to try again.
“Anyway, the thing about my mom confused me,” Gloria continued. “Things weren’t clear-cut anymore. I didn’t know what was right or what was wrong.”
“It’s not a matter of right and wrong.”
“That’s what I finally realized. It really wasn’t about right and wrong. It was about choices. About risks. About love.”
“I reached that conclusion too after that awful Saturday in Raleigh. There was no compelling reason for us to do that commuter marriage. It was a choice, and I know now, a bad choice.”
“You’re right, of course. It took me a little longer to realize it though.” It hadn’t really become clear for her until she learned she was pregnant.
“This may sound corny,” Josh said, “but I think our marriage is stronger because of what we’ve gone through.”
“It’s not corny. I remember Portia telling me that a year or so ago. I see now that she was right. We’ve gone through a rough passage and we’re still a team. That makes me think we can handle anything.”
Josh felt the same way. Except for one question that continued to play on his mind. “Do we need to talk some more about the incident with Darlene?”
“That hurt. More than you can imagine. More than I thought I could bear. I knew we were having problems, but it never occurred to me that you might be having an affair.”
“I wasn’t.”
“I know that now.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I’m sure of you. You love me and there’s no reason for you to lie.”
“That simple?”
She couldn’t continue with the lie. “I overheard you and Darlene the other day.”
Josh’s hand stopped its soothing rub down her arm. “When?”
“I came by the house to see you, to tell you that I still loved you and I wanted us to work it out. Darlene was there. I know I was wrong, but I sneaked into the house and listened to your conversation.” When he didn’t say anything, she asked, “Are you upset with me?”
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