by Dan Gutman
“I have a ferret named Wiggles,” said Neil the nude kid.
(Last year on Presidents’ Day, Neil brought Wiggles to school. Wiggles escaped from his cage, got lost, climbed onto Emily’s head, and was elected president of the school. That was weird.)
“I have a dog and some fish,” I said. “It’s my job to feed the fish. But one time a fish jumped out of the tank and my dog ate it. That night my mom asked me if I fed the fish and I told her that I fed the fish to the dog. I wasn’t too upset when my dog ate my fish, because at least my fish didn’t eat my dog. That would have been weird.”
Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.
“Well, today for recess enrichment we’re going to learn another important life skill,” Mrs. Lizzie told us. “I’m going to teach you how to milk Pootie the goat.”
What?!
“Naaaaaaayyyyy,” said Pootie.
“Milk comes out of goats?” I asked. “I thought milk came out of cows.”
“It comes out of goats, too, Arlo,” said Andrea. Little Miss Know-It-All was proud of herself because she knew something I didn’t know. I hate her.
“See, we learned something already,” said Mrs. Lizzy. “Goats give milk.”
“I have a question,” said Andrea.
“Yes?”
“Is it really important for us to learn how to milk a goat?” Andrea asked. “I thought the Recess Enrichment Program was for us to learn how to do useful things, like use a camera, play musical instruments, or do arts and crafts projects.”
“That’s an excellent question, Andrea,” said Mrs. Lizzy. “But what if you were playing in the playground one day and a goat wandered over? And what if the goat needed to be milked? And what if you had never learned how to milk a goat? That would be a shame. The poor goat wouldn’t get milked. That’s why this is so important. You never know when you might have to milk a goat.”
“Naaaaaaayyyyy,” said Pootie.
I really didn’t think there was much chance that a goat was going to wander over to our playground. But I wasn’t complaining, because Mrs. Lizzy told Andrea she was wrong. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on Andrea. It was the greatest day of my life.
“Okay,” Mrs. Lizzy said, getting down on her knees, “this is how you milk a goat.”
Mrs. Lizzy put her bucket under Pootie. Then she grabbed Pootie’s udder and started pulling on it every which way. It looked like she was going to make it into a balloon animal! But Pootie didn’t seem to mind. Soon milk started coming out, and Mrs. Lizzy squirted it into the bucket.
“Ew, disgusting!” I said.
“Naaaaaaayyyyy,” said Pootie.
We were all giggling and making rude remarks and pretending to throw up. Emily couldn’t even watch.
“This is hard on my knees,” Mrs. Lizzy said. “How about one of you takes over and milks Pootie?”
None of us wanted to milk Pootie. I looked at the ground. Ryan looked at the ground. Neil looked at the ground. Even Andrea looked at the ground. If you don’t want the teacher to call on you, always look at the ground. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“A.J.,” Mrs. Lizzy said, “you’re wearing knee pads. How about you milk Pootie?”
“Yeah!” everybody agreed.
“That’s a great idea!” said Michael. “A.J. should milk Pootie. He’s got knee pads.”
I knew the only reason Michael thought it was a great idea for me to milk Pootie was because he wouldn’t have to milk Pootie.
That’s the last time I wear knee pads to school.
I got down on my knees. Mrs. Lizzy showed me how to take Pootie’s udders and yank on them to squirt the milk into the bucket. I’m not going to bore you with all the details. But it was disgusting. I thought I was gonna throw up. Pootie didn’t complain, though. She seemed happy to get milked.
“So, what do you think, A.J.?” asked Mrs. Lizzy. “Isn’t milking a goat fun?”
“I think I’ll never drink milk again,” I told her.
“Arlo, you probably never drink milk anyway,” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.
“I do too,” I said. “I have Milk Duds and Milky Way bars all the time. They have milk in them.”
Why can’t a goat fall on Andrea’s head?
6
Crazy-Hat Day
Wednesday was Crazy-Hat Day. Usually we’re not allowed to wear hats in school. We were at recess one day and I asked everybody why.
“Hats might spread germs,” Andrea said.
“Maybe the teachers are afraid we would hide stuff in our hats,” said Ryan.
“Like what?” asked Michael.
“Like a mouse,” said Neil.
“Who’s gonna hide a mouse in their hat?” I asked.
“A few years ago,” Neil said, “I heard about some kid who hid his mouse in his hat and brought it to school.”
“So just because some weird kid hid his mouse in his hat, that means nobody can ever wear hats in school?” I asked. “That doesn’t make sense. What if that kid hid his mouse in his pants? Would they say we can’t wear pants to school? Would we have to come to school in our underwear?”
“Nobody hides mice in their pants, Arlo!” said Andrea.
“Well, nobody hides them in their hat either,” I told her.
Anyway, for Crazy-Hat Day I wore a hat with a little propeller on the top. Michael wore his football helmet. Ryan wore a pirate hat. Neil the nude kid wore an army helmet with leaves attached to it. Andrea wore a hat with pieces of fruit piled on top of it. Emily wore a stuffed animal on her head. Everybody had on crazy hats.
The only bad thing was that it was raining outside. That meant we had to have indoor recess, in our classroom. Bummer in the summer! Indoor recess is no fun at all because we don’t get to run around.
Mr. Granite told us that Mr. Klutz was going to come and keep an eye on us while he went to the teachers’ lounge to eat lunch. He said we should be on our best behavior while he was gone. So as soon as he left the room, Ryan and I got up and shook our butts at the class. Most of the kids laughed.
My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that the teachers’ lounge is a secret, magical world where the teachers play pin the tail on the donkey and swim in hot tubs and watch big-screen TVs. But when I went in there once, the teachers were just sitting around eating lunch. I think maybe they heard I was coming so they quick got rid of the hot tub and the TV so I wouldn’t know they were having so much fun.
While we were waiting for Mr. Klutz to show up, guess who came into our classroom?
It was Mrs. Lizzy!
She was holding an accordion and wearing one of those green Robin Hood hats with a feather sticking out of the top.
“Hi boys and girls!” she said.
“Hi Mrs. Lizzy!”
“Did you wear that for Crazy-Hat Day?” asked Emily.
“No,” she said. “I always wear this hat on Wednesdays.”
“What are you going to teach us today for recess enrichment?” asked Michael.
“Today I’m going to teach you how to yodel,” Mrs. Lizzy said.
“Yodel?” I asked. “What’s that?”
“Yodeling is a kind of singing,” said Little Miss I-Know-Everything. Andrea keeps a dictionary on her desk so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is.
“That’s right, Andrea,” said Mrs. Lizzy. “Yodeling was developed in Switzerland as a way for people to communicate on mountain peaks. It sounds like this…. Yo-de-lay-hee-hoo!”
I never heard anybody sing like that before. It was the weirdest kind of singing in the history of the world.
“I can even yodel with my mouth closed,” said Mrs. Lizzy. Then she started yodeling with her mouth closed.
“Mrs. Lizzy, is it really important for us to learn how to yodel?” asked Andrea.
“Sure!” said Mrs. Lizzy. “What if you were on a reality TV show and you had to yodel to win a million dollars. But you didn’t know how. And because you didn
’t know how to yodel, you didn’t win a million dollars. That would be a shame. That’s why it’s so important for kids to learn how to yodel.”
Mrs. Lizzy threw back her head and started in yodeling. It sounded like this….*
“Yodel-adle-eedle-idle. Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! Yo-yo yodel-laydee-hoo yodel-laydee-hoo, yo-yo yodel-yodel-laydee, yo-yo yodel-yodel-laydee-hoo. Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo. Yodel leh-hee yodel-lee-eee-ooo. Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo. Yada-yada yada-yada yad-eee-ooo, yippee odelay dee ahdelay ayaayayayay ohohohoh ladelayhee tee rodeo hee hee.”
Yodeling is weird. Mrs. Lizzy sounded like my dad when he gargles in the morning. We were all giggling and poking each other with our elbows so we wouldn’t laugh.
While Mrs. Lizzy was in the middle of her yodeling, you’ll never believe who walked into the door.
Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt. But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway.
It was Mr. Klutz!
Mrs. Lizzy looked at Mr. Klutz and stopped in the middle of her yodel. Mr. Klutz looked at Mrs. Lizzy. I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Ryan. Andrea looked at Emily. Everybody was looking at each other. We were all afraid that Mr. Klutz would be mad. It was so quiet in the class, you could hear a pin drop.*
“Was somebody yodeling in here?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“Yes!” said Ryan. “Mrs. Lizzy is teaching us how to yodel so we can win a million dollars on a reality TV show.”
“I love yodeling!” said Mr. Klutz. “In my younger days, I spent a year in the Swiss Alps. I yodeled all the time.”
“You yodeled all the time for a year?” I asked. “Didn’t you get tired?”
“Not at all,” he said. “I love to yodel.”
And then he started in yodeling….
“Yodel-adle-eedle-idle. Yodel-adle-eedle-idle. Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo! Yo-yo yodel-laydee-hoo yodel-laydee-hoo, yodel-laydee-hoo, yodel-laydee-hoo.”
Mr. Klutz started dancing around, clapping his hands, and slapping his knees while he yodeled. We all got up and started dancing around, yodeling, clapping our hands, and slapping our knees. Then Mrs. Lizzy joined in, yodeling, dancing, clapping, and slapping her knees. Then she started hitting Mr. Klutz’s head like it was a bongo drum while she yodeled. It was a real Kodak moment.
Does stuff like that happen at your school?
7
Crazy-Shoes Day
Thursday was Crazy-Shoes Day. Neil the nude kid had on army boots. Emily wore her mother’s bunny slippers. I put two old shoe boxes on my feet. Everybody came to school with crazy shoes.
During recess Mrs. Lizzy came to the playground again. She had tennis rackets strapped to her feet.
“Did you wear those for Crazy-Shoes Day?” we asked her.
“No,” Mrs. Lizzy said. “On Thursdays I always wear tennis rackets on my feet.”
Mrs. Lizzy is dizzy!
“What are you gonna teach us today?” asked Ryan.
“Today I’m going to teach you how to make fart noises with your armpits,” Mrs. Lizzy announced.
What?! This lady was cool!
I already knew how to make fart noises with my armpits. All boys know how to do that. But Mrs. Lizzy was really good at it. She could even change notes! She played “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on her armpits. It was amazing. You should have been there!
The girls were not impressed with Mrs. Lizzy’s musical-armpit ability.
“That’s gross!” Emily said.
“Why would anyone ever need to know how to do that?” asked Andrea.
“Well, what if you were locked in a room,” Mrs. Lizzy asked Andrea, “and you were tied to a chair. And you couldn’t escape no matter how hard you tried. If you could make a fart noise with your armpits, somebody might hear it and send help.”
“Couldn’t I just yell and scream to get help?” Andrea asked.
“Not if they tied a rag over your mouth,” said Mrs. Lizzy. “That’s why it’s so important for kids to learn how to make fart noises with their armpits.”
“I still say it’s gross,” Emily said.
“We’re not doing that,” said Andrea.
“I just hope you never get locked in a room and tied to a chair with a rag over your mouth,” Mrs. Lizzy told the girls.
Mrs. Lizzy taught the guys and me how to play “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on our armpits. For some of the notes she used the backs of her knees. It was cool. Then Mrs. Lizzy said she had to go but told us to keep practicing our armpit farts if we wanted to get really good at it.
“We will!” we promised. We started practicing right away.
Emily and Andrea said it was gross. They went off to go play on the slide. That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.
“Hey, any time you want girls to go away,” I told the guys, “all you have to do is make armpit farts!”
“You’re right!” Ryan said. “As soon as we started making armpit farts, they left!”
“A.J., you’re a genius!” Michael told me.
“No wonder you’re in the gifted and talented program,” said Neil the nude kid.
I should get the No Bell Prize for figuring out how to get rid of annoying girls. That’s a prize they give to people who don’t have bells.
8
Crazy-Everything Day
Friday was Crazy-Everything Day. I wore a bucket on my head and bounced to school on a pogo stick. Ryan wrapped himself in toilet paper. Michael attached bike horns all over his clothes and beeped them when he moved. Neil wore flip-flops and a hockey mask, and he carried a flyswatter in one hand and a banana in the other.
This had to be the craziest day in the history of the world!
Mr. Granite spent the whole morning trying to teach us stuff, but it was useless. Nobody could pay attention. Finally it was lunchtime and we got to go to the vomitorium.
The guys and me sat at one table, and Andrea and her girly friends sat at the next one. We tried making armpit farts to get rid of them, but they wouldn’t leave.
Michael was eating a Lunchable. Ryan had soup in a thermos. I was eating a jelly and peanut butter sandwich. I used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but my mom said I couldn’t have the same lunch every single day, so I told her to make me a jelly and peanut butter sandwich instead.*
“I wonder what Mrs. Lizzy is gonna teach us today,” Michael said.
“Something weird, that’s for sure,” said Ryan.
“That lady has way too much time on her hands,” said Neil the nude kid.
“Maybe Mrs. Lizzy isn’t our recess enrichment teacher at all,” I told the guys. “Did you ever think of that?”
“What do you mean, A.J.?” asked Michael.
“Well, maybe she kidnapped our real recess enrichment teacher and has her tied up in a secret room in the basement of the school. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”
“You say that about everybody, Arlo,” said Andrea at the next table.
“I do not.”
“Do too.”
We went back and forth like that for a while. But nobody wanted to hang around the vomitorium. We rushed through our lunch so we could see Mrs. Lizzy on the playground.
She looked crazier than ever! She had a spaghetti strainer on her head and a Ping-Pong paddle hanging from her neck, and she was carrying a big box.
“Hi Mrs. Lizzy!” we all yelled. “What’s in the box?”
“Worms!” Mrs. Lizzy exclaimed as she opened the box to show us.
“Worms?!” we all yelled.
“Ew, disgusting!” said Emily.
“Are we going fishing today?” asked Andrea.
“No, we’re going worm composting!” Mrs. Lizzy said.
Even Andrea didn’t know what that meant. But Mrs. Lizzy told us that you can use worms to turn food scraps into this stuff called compost that can be added to soil to grow plants, flowers, fruits, and vegetables.
“The worms eat your left
overs and turn it into worm poop,” Mrs. Lizzy explained. “It helps things grow.”
“Ew, disgusting!” we all said.
“We’re supposed to put worm poop on our vegetables and then eat them?” Ryan asked. Ryan will eat anything. One time he ate a piece of the cushion on the school bus. But I don’t think he would eat something that was grown in worm poop.
“Yes!” Mrs. Lizzy said. “Worm poop makes a great natural fertilizer. And all you have to do…”
She didn’t have the chance to finish her sentence because at that very moment the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Officer Spence came running over.
“Freeze, dirtbag!” he yelled, pointing his finger at Mrs. Lizzy just like they do on TV cop shows. “You’re under arrest!”
WHAT?!
Suddenly, five guys in dark blue uniforms and sunglasses came running over. They surrounded Mrs. Lizzy.
“WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
“Put your hands in the air, lady,” Officer Spence ordered Mrs. Lizzy. “And don’t try any funny stuff!”
Mrs. Lizzy put her hands in the air even though Officer Spence didn’t actually have a gun. It was cool.
“Why are you arresting Mrs. Lizzy?” asked Andrea. “She didn’t do anything wrong. She’s our recess enrichment teacher!”
“No she’s not,” Officer Spence said. “She’s just pretending to be your recess enrichment teacher. This woman is actually…the crazy lady who escaped from the loony bin last week!”
“Gasp!” everybody gasped.
“That’s not true!” Mrs. Lizzy yelled.
“Oh, yes it is,” Officer Spence insisted. “Mrs. Lizzy—or whatever her name is—kidnapped your real recess enrichment teacher and tied her up in a secret room in the basement of the school!”
“That’s a lie!” Mrs. Lizzy yelled.