by Gilli Allan
‘Sean’s re-entry in your life. The reason for that deep and soulful sigh, just now?’
‘No! And Sean hasn’t re-entered my life! But I suppose I still felt some responsibility for the breakdown in our relationship. Still felt some guilt for the way I ran out on him. Seeing him, hearing how he’s changed, how he’s tried to change, has freed me. It’s helped to draw a firmer line under that part of my life.’
‘And now that you’re pals again, will you be seeing more of him?’
‘Seeing more of him? What part of “drawing a line” don’t you understand? He’s thinking of going to Canada. I’m pleased for him and pleased for myself. The further away the better as far as I’m concerned.’
‘So … what was the reason for the deep and soulful sigh?’
‘Oh, for God’s sake, James! Will you stop interrogating me!’
‘Isn’t it what you need? If I thought you were interrogating yourself then perhaps I wouldn’t have to?’
She turned her head and stared. ‘You think I’m a self-deluded tart, don’t you?’
‘Your words, Jess, not mine.’
‘And this is an offer of counselling, is it?’
‘Not exactly. I know you have good reason to think that I’m not entirely objective where you’re concerned but, I hope you believe I’m your friend. It’s what I want to be. You can say anything to me and I will, if it’s what you want, try my damnedest to be a disinterested counsellor.’
Jessica drooped, her hands over her face. She remained like this for a while. The instinct to bristle and knock him back with a sharp rejoinder was still there, but she knew she was being unfair. He meant what he said, and inexplicably, it made her want to cry. He was a kind man, an appealing man in many ways. She also knew, to her own cost, that he was an attractive man and possessed – if she cared to tune into it – of a hypnotic physicality. Everything would have been so much simpler if she’d never become involved with Danny. But no – his problems would not have ceased to exist just because she didn’t know about them. The only difference was that now she knew, they became her problems too.
James began to speak again. ‘I’m going to tell you something. Perhaps you suspected it already. I don’t know if the knowledge will be useful to you in the present situation but it will make me feel a bit better.’
She lifted her head and looked across at him. What on earth was coming?
‘When Ted Bowman was taken ill, conflicting with my desire to whisk you off to London, I did have something else on my mind that day, apart, that is, from the prospect of financial ruin!’
‘I thought you were a pig!’
‘I know you did. Hurt my feelings a bit. But, I was so focused on what I was planning, I realised later I must have seemed cold-hearted. You see, once I’d established that the repayment of my debts could be postponed, I was intending to propose.’
Stunned into silence, Jess gulped. ‘What! Propose? You’re not serious? What marriage?’
‘Yes, marriage. And absolutely serious. Of course I know … knew that you weren’t thinking along the same lines. But I hoped asking the question, in the right circumstances, might help to concentrate your mind.’
‘Like the prospect of being hanged in the morning?’
‘This made him smile ruefully. ‘You really are a Scorpio! Just as well I’ve never had any illusions.’
‘I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to equate the two things!’
‘Well, the offer is still on the table, but –’
‘But what?’
‘I think I’m mad.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Don’t get me wrong, Jess, I would be honoured if you would accept me. It doesn’t even have to be marriage. I don’t care. I just want you. But I notice you haven’t jumped at the chance?’
‘Oh, Jay! I’m not … I don’t … I’m confused.’
‘You don’t say!’ He sighed. ‘Let’s face it, even if you did accept me, I know I’d be second best. So, I’ve stepped back, admitted defeat. But perhaps, in the absence of achieving my own desires, I can help you sort out your confusion.’ He was talking in riddles. She’d had enough to deal with over the last few days without James Warwick playing mind games with her. She rolled her head back against the rest and closed her eyes again.
‘I don’t understand what you’re talking about, Jay, and I’m too tired just now to try to work it out.’
He reached across and briefly laid his hand over hers. ‘I know you don’t understand, Jess. I don’t fucking understand either!’ he added, with feeling. ‘But you need someone outside the situation to state the bleeding obvious! It’s why I initiated this conversation. It brings me no joy! I’m a bloody saint, not that you realise it! My fate in life, it seems, is to receive scant recognition for my saintly qualities!’
‘You’re rambling.’
‘Perhaps. But just listen! I have to tell you something!’
‘Then, get on with it!’
‘You once told me you’d never been in love.’
‘Yes.’
‘Well … I have to tell you, Jessica Avery, you’re in love now.’ An electric silence fell in the car. James pulled up at some traffic lights controlling road-works. Jessica straightened and looked across at him, eyes wide. He met her look, then changed gear and accelerated away as the lights changed. ‘But, unfortunately, not with me,’ he qualified, coolly.
‘Who?’
‘Jess, you don’t expect me to take that question seriously? Unless you’ve a cast of potential lovers you’ve been keeping secret, there is only one other in this little drama of ours. Let me ask you something, and I want you to be honest with yourself. If you were in trouble who would you turn to? I don’t mean your car’s broken down and you want the name of a good mechanic, or you’ve been arrested drunk and disorderly and need a solicitor … I hope and expect you’d turn to me, right?’
‘Right.’
‘What I mean is something more profound. If you were hurting, upset, shocked … whose arms would you run into?’
Jessica didn’t answer. She stared straight ahead.
‘It might not be obvious to others, Jess, but I have been observing you closely for some time. You are in love with Daniel, and he, poor sod, is, of course, head over heels in love with you. The question is – what are you going to do about it?’
Something strange was happening to her. Her throat clamped. Convulsive spasms were running up from her gut in a series of hiccupping jolts. Her chest heaved painfully. Belatedly she realised she was crying, a gush of tears spilling out, nose running, gasping for breath. James pulled into the side of the road and awkwardly embraced her, thrusting a slightly grubby handkerchief into her hands.
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Hush. It’s all right. You’ll be all right. It’s OK.’
Between ragged attempts to drag in air through a throat unaccountably clogged with stones, and keening cries of distress which emerged entirely of their own volition, she managed to utter brokenly, ‘Not all right … it’s not!’
James continued to hold her and to kiss the top of her bent head. He patted and rubbed at her back and murmured the sort of comforting noises one would to a child. The shuddering spasms began to quieten, but long after he released her she continued to gulp and sniff.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ she whispered, when she’d at last gathered together a fragile composure. ‘You see … you see … he can’t take on the farm unless he has a huge amount of support, and there are no guarantees that he’ll manage even then … and I’m so anxious about him, because he … because he …’
‘Can’t read? You know he’s illiterate?’
‘Dyslexic.’
‘But he’s still …’ James paused, and nodded. ‘OK. But you do love him?’
‘I don’t know! I’m not sure. It’s so complicated, and … and … he’s so much younger than me.’
‘No reason for not loving someone, Jess. You love Rory. He’s youn
ger than you! He can’t read!’
‘It’s not a joke! We’re talking about a different kind of kind of love!’
‘I’m sorry, Jess. Believe me, I am not trying to trivialise the subject. This is a different kind of love, isn’t it? Or are you telling me you were upstairs most of the morning singing Dan nursery rhymes?’
She managed a tremulous smile. ‘Lust on its own is not enough.’
‘Jess, throughout the millennia people have embarked on their lives together with little more than that. And you’re looking at one of them. I’m not advocating it. But are you honestly claiming that’s all there is between you? If I’m mistaken and you don’t love the lad, then there’s an end to it. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. Believe me, it’s not in my interest to push you into something.’
Her hands came up to cover her face again. She was shaking her head very slowly from side to side.
‘I didn’t raise the subject to hurt you, Jess. I suspected you hadn’t faced up …’
She recalled the funeral and the tall, slim, fair-haired man standing beside his brother at the graveside. Repressed emotion informed every angle of his posture from the tautly folded arms, to the tilt of his head and the compression of his mouth. Maybe it was the unfamiliar black clothes, but at that moment she’d suddenly seen Danny afresh and a stunning flash of response had zipped through her body.
Now her hands dropped from her face and she stared ahead blankly, unaware if the blurring was in her own eyes or the sheets of water sliding over the windscreen. She blinked repeatedly before speaking again.
‘Is it love when you can’t stop thinking about someone? When you’re so frightened for their future it hurts? When you can hardly bear to leave them?’ Glancing sideways she saw James pinch his fingers to the bridge of his nose. His chin puckered.
‘Do you really need me to answer that?’
Jess shook her head. ‘Of course, you’re right. I do love Danny. I just hadn’t admitted it to myself.’ Already hoarse, her voice began to thicken and fail. ‘I love him very much.’ After a moment taken to regain her composure, she added, almost reproachfully, ‘I thought love was supposed to make you happy!’
He managed a thin smile, as he slumped back into the driving seat and re-buckled the belt. ‘Whatever gave you that idea? Sadly, it has received an over-flattering press, whereas in reality it brings with it a greater potential for pain than any other human transaction. Believe me, I know.’ His dark face had gone from transitory amusement to a heavy frown. He turned the ignition again and flicked on the indicator.
‘Why are you being so kind to me, Jay? Why are you telling me all this?’
‘Believe it or not I’ve grown fond of Dan, God knows why. I should hate the bastard. Besides which I think you’d be good for him.’
‘That’s not –’
‘And I love you! When you love someone, you want to do everything in your power to help them achieve happiness … fulfilment … even at the expense of your own.’
‘Yes,’ she said, recognising the impulse to help Danny at any cost. ‘So what about you and Serena? Why did you try to stop her going for that screen test?’
He sighed. ‘Perhaps that was an indicator of the state of our marriage by that point. Her happiness was no longer my priority. Mine was no longer hers.’ The route was growing busier as minor roads became major roads, and then a dual carriageway. The car moved out to overtake a line of slower vehicles.
‘What must I do, Jay? And what about Rory?’
‘Under different circumstances I think I’d enjoy this: you asking my advice! You must do what you want to do. And children are endlessly adaptable. You’re an intelligent woman. I can’t believe you would want to do anything which would damage him. He needs a happy mother, and he could do with a more permanent male influence in his life. Why not Dan? They’ll help each other grow up.’
The last comment elicited a smile from Jessica. Another silence stretched out while she thought. ‘It’s all so complicated,’ she at last said. ‘Where do I go from here?’
‘Jessica!’ James shook his head in disbelief. ‘I didn’t expect to have to be arguing Dan’s cause on this journey, but … OK, just listen. You are financially independent, have I got that right? It was a factor put before me often in the early days by my mother. Apparently she thought it would be an added inducement to my appreciation of your charms. As it happened, I didn’t need an inducement.’
She answered his first question and ignored the rest. ‘Yes, I’m secure. Provided there isn’t a further cataclysmic world-wide economic slump. I’ve a well-diversified portfolio.’
‘So, it seems to me all this has come up at just the right time. You need to move house. Dan has a house and land, unencumbered … unlike mine. Instead of buying a house you can invest in his. It’s a good, sturdy, attractive place but it badly needs modernising. And if you’re going to run the farm as a business you’ll need to invest in that too. Ted let it run down. But I have to warn you, you will never make much, if any, profit from that land, but you could break even, and Dan will be doing what he wants. You need to get all the grants and EU money on offer. Set aside as much land as you can get subsidy for, so that Dan can have fields of meadowsweet and wild orchids, and encourage the skylarks. Perhaps you can develop a bit of market gardening, organic of course, Dan’s good at that. Keep it small scale. He’s great with horses too, has a real feel for them. Get some for him to breed; he’ll be in seventh heaven. You could even try your hands at a few rare breeds. Run it as a farm park so you don’t have to sell so much for market … Jess? You look gobsmacked!’
‘I’ve no expertise in farming! And I’m planning to work myself. Apart from teaching him strategies to overcome the dyslexia, how on earth can I help him farm?’
‘No one said it was going to be easy. But listen, when it comes to husbandry Dan doesn’t need help, apart from the physical load. There’s Earl, his real dad, next door. And you may need to hire in extra workers for busy periods. But on the business and management side I will do everything I can to help you both. I mean it. Promise. Apart from that, you’ll have to make it on love alone.’
Overwhelmed by his kindness yet still daunted by the prospect ahead, Jessica said, ‘But what do you think?’
‘What do I think?’ He scratched his head. ‘Christ, Jess! This is really difficult for me. Look, I think if you can get by materially, doing something you want to do, with the person you want to be with, then your life is truly blessed.’
‘But will we make it?’
‘Love doesn’t come with a guarantee. There’s no way of knowing, without twenty-twenty hindsight, if you’ve taken the wrong or the right road in life. All you can do is your best. Even when I was deluded enough to think you just might say yes to my proposal, I realised I could be found stabbed in my bed a fortnight later with your fingerprints on the carving knife! I was still willing to take that risk.’
Jess was not deflected by his attempt to lighten the moment. ‘So, how long? If you gave me and you a fortnight … how long do you give Danny and me?’
James took a deep breath, switched on the indicator and they made the turn for Warford. ‘Ten years?’ he said, at length. ‘But an amicable parting.’
‘Thanks for that.’
‘And then, if you’re lucky, I might still be around, gently breathing on the embers.’
‘Mummy! Mummy!’ Rory came charging towards her at full tilt and flung himself into her arms. ‘Mummy, why were you kissing Sasha’s daddy?’
‘Hello, darling! I want a kiss from you now. Mwah. I kissed Sasha’s daddy because he’s a nice man and I like him.’ As the car had pulled up, Gilda too came out into the courtyard to welcome Jessica and her son home. A gratified smile suffused her face when, before anything else, Jessica hugged James and kissed him soundly on the mouth. But immediately afterwards he turned away abruptly and strode directly into the house, hand raised, as if to shade his eyes. He either ignored or didn’t hear his m
other’s greeting. Her smile faded to a perplexed frown. She turned and followed him inside.
‘Did you have a nice time?’ Jessica asked Rory.
‘I was bored! You were gone a long time!’
It seemed a long time even to her, but as far as he was concerned she’d only been absent since he came out of school at lunch time yesterday.
‘Did Gilda take you to school this morning or did you sneak a day off?’
‘We had the day off! But Mummy, Danny wasn’t here! I don’t like it so much when Danny’s not here. It’s boring. I thought we could go and look for wooden enemies in the woods again.’
‘I’m sorry, sweetheart. And it was raining, wasn’t it? That’s what made it boring, you couldn’t play outside. But even if Danny had been around, I’ve got a feeling those wood anemones aren’t up there any more. It’s the wrong time of year. Perhaps we can find some toadstools next time we go for a walk. Now, I’ve just got to go and say goodbye. But then, would you like to go home straight away? Just you and me?’
‘Yea-eah! Can we play Toy Story and have soup?’
‘Good idea.’
A year is a long time in the life of a young child. That evening, as she was putting her son to bed, Jessica reflected on his growing maturity since they’d left London. Even so, she couldn’t predict how he would respond to the question she was about to ask.
‘Rory, you know we’ve talked about moving to a new house? And me starting work as a teacher?’
‘Mmmm.’
‘Well … there’s a chance we might live in a house a little bit like Sasha’s. A house with chickens outside, and a horse. And perhaps some sheep. Would you like to live in a house like that?’
‘Mmmm.’
‘And if there was one person in the world you would like to live with us in the new house, who would it be?’ She half expected him to say Sasha, or ‘Violent’, or even – her gut sank at the thought – ‘Rawn’, though he had barely been mentioned since the surprise visit. The cheap plastic car was in bits and forgotten at the bottom of Rory’s car box.
A row of toys, only slightly out of favour, were lined up along a shelf above the bed head. Those completely beyond the pale had been consigned to a black plastic sack in the loft cupboard and were even now probably being eaten by mice. Only his new favourite nestled on the pillow beside his face. Rory moved the character’s arms up and down and made the kind of noises only small boys can, as if the plastic cowboy were engaged in a shoot-out with an imaginary foe.