by Ruby McQueen
“What is it, I don’t have all day, some of us are busy.” She looks down after she says it, but it still has a blistering heat to it.
“Thanks for coming, I actually thought you’d blow it off all together.”
“Hmpf, Curiosity got the best of me, the ‘Holy Trinity’ requesting an audience, albeit in the record room, hardly tasteful. Now what do you want?” I ignore the attempt at an insult and quickly try and gather a thought.
“Are you resigning because of me?” As soon as it tumbles from me, I wish I could take it back. Way to just blurt it, Trinity!
“As if you’re important enough in my life to impact my decisions, you pretentious, obnoxious-” I hold my hand up to interrupt her.
“Can we just not do that, just this one time? No name calling, no crap. Just a regular discussion without the venom? Please?”
“Why? I owe you nothing!”
“Yeah. You owe me nothing. I know you despise me, Kamryn, I have no idea why, but you’ve made it clear you do.” I see her expression change, but they all look like hate to me. “Regardless, I would hate to think I was a part of that decision, and if I were, I’d like to make amends.” She scoffs and drops her hands to her hips.
“Amends? That’s a joke.”
“No, not a joke. We are adults. If I’ve offended you in some way, now is your opportunity to say so and hopefully we work it out and put it behind us.” Her head jolts back a bit.
“Why? So, you can sleep at night? No thanks, you can suffer for all I care.” She says with indifference.
“See, this is what I’m saying! Why? Why do you act like this? I’m offering you peace and you’d rather hate me? Okaaaay... It’s so high school! And honestly I’m not going to be suffering.” She looks at me expressionless before dropping her head.
“You are so sanctimonious, Trinity. You think you’re untouchable. I’ve seen your type before.”
“My type? Who could profess to know what is in another’s head? For god sakes, we never even speak. Sanctimonious? Is that why you keep calling me ‘the holy Trinity’?”
“You should have been sacked.” Every word drips with disdain and she points as she says it.
“Why? Do you even know what was said?”
“I know enough!”
“From whom? Loman? Are you kidding me?”
“He witnessed it.”
“Oh yeah, he’s practically a textbook example of unbiased testimony!” I scoff myself, but I need to keep my cool if I want to resolve this.
“I have my own opinions.” She sounds indignant.
“See, I was taught that if you aren’t in possession of all the facts, you shouldn’t form a solid opinion until you are.” She rolls her eyes while I talk.
“I could vomit. Are you going to lecture me now too?” UGH! Sooooooo frustrating! I close my eyes, take a deep breath and realign my thoughts.
“Okay. All I want to know is how to achieve some modicum of maturity, where at the very least we agree that we both remain civil and respectful DESPITE the fact you clearly hate me.”
“As IF you don’t hate me too!” She replies scowling with fisted hands.
“I actually have no issues with you, Kamryn, other than you act hateful towards me.” She rolls her eyes again.
“Sure.”
I sigh “I don’t know what else I can say to you. I have no idea who you are as a person, only how you act towards me and that is what I respond to. I’m trying to mend this now and still; you are wanting to fight me. I wish I could undo what I said to you a couple of Saturdays ago. It was ugly. I was having a bad week, and you picked a fight while my feistiness was still running strong.”
“Ha! Feisty… You went full bitch mode, because that’s who you are. A grade-A bitch.”
I want to lose my shit! It’s like banging your head against a brick wall repeatedly hoping not to end up with a lowered IQ. I take a deep breath again and try to think of a way through her stubbornness.
“Tell you what? I agree. I went bitch mode. I can’t undo it. But you give as good as you get. I wore a slap to the face and your drink.” I must remind myself not to smile in amusement at the recollection of it. I’m not thin skinned and I let things go pretty fast, but she clearly doesn’t.
“You deserved every bit you wore.”
“You know, I thought you were intelligent, and we could come to some compromise, but maybe you just don’t have it in you?” I bait her. I want her to let loose. Get it off her chest.
“How dare you! And you wonder why I call you the holy Trinity! You are such a preachy, high and mighty asshole!”
“Yeah? Then why keep giving me ammunition?”
“What?” She is taken aback by this.
“You heard me! If you know me so well, why keep playing into my hands?”
“I-I… I don’t.” She shifts her stance. I have her mentally retreating.
“Oh, but you clearly do. If I’m so self-righteous, why put yourself in a place where you will be the recipient of the one thing that grinds your gears?” She scrunches her face and looks confused.
“Well?” I press her. Her expression shifts.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“What I mean is, if you know me, then don’t fall into a trap you know is there. If you don’t know why we are having conflict, then maybe, just maybe, you don’t actually know me. And maybe you might like me if you can drop the hate and just talk to me.” She is back peddling, speechless even. I high five myself mentally. It feels like checkmate. She shifts again fisting her hands on her side before dropping them and her eyes towards the floor.
“I don’t want to like you.” Not exactly what I was expecting to hear.
“Wait… What? Why would you want to hate a person?” Weird…
“You are you. You are everything I hate in people.” People? What people? Then it dawns on me. I’m not the problem, I just represent it! She has been burned and I’m a trigger for her baggage. Now I’m curious.
“Which people are we talking about?” She stares at me frozen for a moment and then looks away. I deliberately soften myself, because I’m right near her wounds, and they are gaping wide open wounds. I now feel like I suddenly understand her.
“No one. And it’s hardly your business.”
“You’re right, it’s none of my business, Kamryn. But I probably understand more than you realise.”
“Oh, I highly doubt that!”
“Well? What have you got to lose? You already hate me, you’re leaving, and you’ll never see me again, so you might as well try me?” She scoffs quietly.
“Little Miss perfect.” She sneers. “You have everything! You are popular, people love you, even though you are a bitch, they can’t see it, but I can!” Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. She is getting angry and I know anger is a front for hurt. I’m all ears.
“So, it was high school then?” I push on.
“What?” She looks at me confused again
“High school? You know? Where you were made feel you were not good enough to belong?” And she instantly looks wounded.
“Fuck you!”
“It’s ok, Kamryn, I get it.”
“How could you get it?” I suppress my smile. Ohhhh Kamryn, how little you know…
“Me? Big ol’ popular me?” Ugh, that sounded mocking and I don’t want to lose her. I also don’t want to be in competition over who has been hurt more because we all deal with things differently. “Even I have a history. I avoid talking about it because it’s hardly a tale of happiness.”
“Oh, give me a break! You can’t possibly know what it’s like to be overlooked as a friend because you were a plump, uncoordinated ginger! You can’t know what it’s like to be made fun of something you couldn’t change! Long legged, sporty bitches just like you made my life a living hell! So, you can fuck right off with your sanctimonious bullshit, Trinity!” It’s hard to imagine her as an ugly, plump ginger. Before me stands a curvy woman, who is stunning head to t
oe. She is immaculate. Always. But I guess that is why. She spends an enormous amount of time making sure she is no longer that same ridiculed, unpopular child.
“Well… that’s where your error lies. I wasn’t that girl. I was the girl who went around fighting the bullies who picked on people like you.”
“Oh please. I’ve-” I interrupt.
“What? Seen my type before? No, you are sadly mistaken. My best friend, Christina, was a red head, covered in freckles. The day we became friends was the day I stepped into fistfight her bully. He was a solid guy, and we went up to the top oval tree where I took it to him. He became a laughingstock, beaten by a girl. We became friends, and they mostly left her alone after that. I took up for all the kids who were picked on for not fitting in. I don’t know. I know more than you realise, Kamryn.”
“And I’m supposed to believe that? The Holy Trinity, a saviour to the freaks.” She rolls her eyes.
“I can’t stand by and watch someone get bullied. I clearly know how to stand up for myself and others, as you well know. Now, if you brought it on yourself, it's tough titties, you’re on your own and it’s a lesson to be learned. I got kicked off my school bus for slugging a guy who spat on her face once. He lived next door. His Mum made a scene of it like I was the bully and her son the innocent victim of it all. He was running around saying I gave him 2 black eyes.” I scoff recalling it. “Actually, I only hit him once, right on the chin.” I point to the spot. “That was more knee-jerk reaction, but he had it coming, he terrorised that bus for a long time. I accepted my punishment though. The point is, you are wrong thinking I was someone like the girls who hurt you.”
She sneers at me.
“I can’t win, can I? In your head I am either one of ‘those’ girls, OR I’m ‘holier-than-thou’, right? Any effort I make is doomed from the start. No middle ground, you are determined to hate me, even though it seems I’m offering you exactly what you always wanted. Well so be it! But now you and I both know, I tried, I want to make things right, but you just want to be right.”
“Oh please… Like we are just going to be best buds, now are we?”
“All I am saying is a truce. If you want to get to know me, by all means, I’m open to it. But you are taking your shit out on me and I actually understand what you went through more than most.”
“You were never bullied! You stood up to the bullies! Standing up for others is not the same as being bullied, being intimidated, harassed, belittled, having things thrown at you, stolen even. I had someone put bubble-gum in my hair, it had to be cut out! Ginger and bad hair! And I was raised Jehovah’s Witness, I was treated like a fucking leper! Can you even imagine the shame? And you are this smart, sporty, popular type who is so likeable you make me sick! Unless you went through it, how could you ever understand?”
“Because I couldn’t beat the bully I lived with. I went around fighting every other bully I could find. Oh, don’t worry, I know what it’s like. I was unwanted, a burden. My mother left me when I was a baby. I had no idea why. Christmas’, Birthday’s, nothing… Like I never existed, that’s how important I was to her. I would hear she would come to town and she wouldn’t even stop by. What kind of Mother rejects her own child? Mine…” I feel that twinge in my heart admitting it. “Then my Father took to drinking, which was fun times for all of us. Yup, taking on the boys was easy for me, they had nothing on getting flogged by a piece of two by four or kicked by his steel capped boots. So yeah… I have a history. My stepmother saw me as something that threatened her happiness, she went out of her way to come between me and my Dad and line up the floggings for him to knock down. I played all the sports I could, so I had legitimate reasons for the bruises I wore. And I could go on! Do you come from a loving family?” She stands there for the longest time trying to absorb it all before nodding reluctantly.
“My mother, father and older brother.” Well, at least she had a refuge of sorts, a place where it physically ends. Even if you keep the thoughts going after it ends, she had love. She just ended up with a ‘I’ll get them before they get me’ attitude towards everyone else, me included.
“And you are close?” I enquire further.
“Yes.” She nods again. “Trinity…”
“It’s fine. I don’t need your pity, Kamryn. It’s all history now.” I loathe telling my stuff to people for this exact reason.
“It’s not pity… I’ve been such a jerk to you.” She sounds remorseful almost.
“I know.” I shrug. “What does it mean now if we can start fresh though?
“Don’t get smug about it.”
“Smug is but one of my many charms.” I say with a smile as I try for humour to lighten things.
“Are you and Christina still friends?”
“No… She was killed in a car accident years ago.”
“Oh… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”
“It’s fine. I don’t tell people about my stuff, it’s a minefield. But I’m ok with it all, it made me who I am today.” Which five minutes ago was a sanctimonious, grade-A bitch apparently, Ha!
“I want to hate you still.” She seems like she has relaxed some, it’s not said quite in jest, but close enough.
“Why?” I’m at odds as to why. I’m not the type she pegged me as, so why?
“Everyone speaks so highly of you. I hate it. I hate hearing about how wonderful you are. I just…”
I chuckle a little “Really? Jealous?”
“People tell funny stories of you, from brokers to Eldon. You can do no wrong ever it seems.”
“Can I just say something?” I don’t wait for her approval. “When you hate people, people like me, people who you think might hurt you, you are making yourself that awkward ginger from your past, and you are giving your power away to them.”
“My power? I’m not a superhero.” She laughs as she says it, and it’s the first time I have ever seen any expression other than resting bitch face or irritation. She is stunning.
“What I mean is, you are making yourself a victim right away. When you hate like that, you’ve let them into your head, and they have already won. You are effectively choosing to be in the losing seat just by being an active hater. I get that it’s defensive, but defending yourself that way, is like telling everyone how wounded and weak you are. Do you know what I mean?” I’m not sure how much sense it’s making, it made sense when I had it floating around my head.
“Hmmm, I guess I’ve never thought about it like that.”
“When I look at you, I don’t see an awkward kid, I see a very put together woman, who is very capable, stunning and could have any guy she wanted. You have gone through that metamorphosis, you have blossomed, let her go and embrace the woman you are, don’t set up a self-fulling prophecy for yourself by hating on people and therefor repelling them. It might reinforce that people are horrible, but it’s not actually the case. It’s a reaction to what you put out.” Did I just go Dr Phil on her? Ugh…
“You think I’m stunning?”
“Uh, yaaarrr!” Stupidest question ever! Does she have no mirrors? She grins a little.
“I hate that you are this cool…” She lowers her head again and heavily exhales.
“Ha! You wouldn’t think so if you saw me in all my awkward glory with the guy I’m sort of seeing.” Am I seeing him?
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Hmmmm, this makes me happy.” We both spontaneously erupt into laughter.
“I bet.” And I think I can consider this expedition a success.
“You are lucky, you know? People say good things about you all the time. One of the mortgage brokers says you went and visited his grandmother daily in her nursing home when she ended up wheelchair bound whilst he was on holidays. He said you took her food and played bingo and stuff. Is that true?” She seems interested now, and I’m just grateful she’s given the hate up.
“Yup. I had her released on day trips on the weekend, cooked for her, had my elderly nei
ghbour over too. I knew he was going to propose to his lady while abroad, he’s a total romantic, and I didn’t want such a special trip ruined stressing over her being alone.”
“See? Who does that? You’re like a fucking saint!”
“Pffft, hardly! It’s what friends do, right?”
“I have no friends that would do that for me.” In a way, it seems so sad, but at least she has family and a close family possibly, I’d almost give a kidney to have that.
“Well, I tell you what? I will be the person you call if you need help like that, if you could think about retracting your resignation?” She moves her head somewhat like she is thinking about it.
“Well… You aren’t really the main reason I want to leave. I kind of have a crush… On Levi.” Ha! I knew it! Aly-B will die laughing.
“We all do, he’s fucking gorgeous! And whatever his cologne is, makes me want to die from the snatch!” I use my hands to imitate an explosion down there before laughing. In fact, it’s almost like I can smell him now just thinking of him.
“Yeah, well… I’m kind of in love with him.” My eyes shoot up. “Yeah... Pathetic I know.” She adds looking almost ashamed.
“Well… Have you told him? Or asked him out?”
“Are you crazy?” She looks at me like I might as well be licking crayon from windowpanes.
“Why is that crazy? You are a stunner! He would be so lucky to snag you!”
“I have made myself available to him plenty of times, he knows I like him, I’m sure of it. He doesn’t like me… Not that way, anyway.” I don’t really know what else I could say to that.
“I don’t know, Kamryn, maybe he’s into dudes then?” She chuckles. “It could totally explain his sense of style.” I add to further the argument.
“This isn’t real, is it?” She’s lost me.
“What?” I ask puzzled.
“An hour ago, I hated you so much. And now here you are thinking of ways to spare my feelings, so I feel less jilted. Who would have thought it?” She is shaking her head, and I smile in response.
“I believe anything is possible! With the right attitude, you can overcome everything! What did John Lennon say? ‘You will be ok in the end. If you’re not ok, it’s not the end’? Something like that.” She nods. I hope at least I have somewhat restored her faith in humanity. It’s still impossible to see her as a small pudgy child with flaming hair getting picked on. And if she is not Levi’s type, I wonder what the hell is? Certainly not I. She’s girly and extraordinarily beautiful and I’m just a crazy tomboy type who likes gaming, sports, reptiles and Kung-Fu movies. I’m sure I don’t have a romantic bone in my body! I would be wasted on someone of Levi’s magnitude.