He scrubbed his jaw and flushed. “Don’t mind at all. I’m here to cater to your needs.” Realizing what he’d said, his cheeks turned brighter red. She turned and pretended interest in finding the list to give him the time to recover.
“Here it is. The list.” She took the scrap of paper and handed it over to him. “Thank you, Dade. You’ve been a great help today.”
“Maybe you’ll dance with me tonight?”
The question caught her off guard. What was the harm with one dance? “Sure.” After all, it would only be the staff at the party and there were far fewer females in ratio to the men.
His eyes dazzled. “Okay, Sofie. If you can think of anything else you need, just radio me. I won’t be far.”
“I think everything is almost finished. Thank you.”
He left, closing the door behind him and she sat down at her desk, prepared to get the last minute work done on the guests’ itineraries. She hoped to complete them before the party. It was the first event she’d planned at Nirvana and she was anxious for the annual event—not for the roasted hog or the bonfire. Not even the dancing. She wanted to spend time with Jared outside of his cabin. No, they couldn’t hold hands or steal kisses when no one was looking, but she hoped they could sit together and have a conversation like two people did when they were dating.
Dating? Was that what they were doing?
Her stomach turned. She reached inside of her top drawer and saw the dildo sticking out of the cloth pouch. She chuckled. “You’re out of commission, my friend. I have the real thing.” Chuckling, she moved past the vibrator and grabbed a package of crackers from the snacks she kept stashed in the back. Opening the package, she took a bite of the crisp wafer and chewed, hoping it would help. She didn’t have time for getting sick.
Another knock came at the door. Wiping the crumbs from her desk and mouth, she took a gulp of now cold coffee to wash the cracker down. “Come in.”
The door swung open and Jared peeked around the corner. “You alone?”
Her heart kicked up in speed and her legs turned to jelly. Good thing she was sitting down. How could she still get this uncontrollable when she saw him? “Yes.”
He slipped in, locking the door behind him. “Awesome.”
“I thought you had gone to the barn.” She couldn’t begin to describe the sensations of joy washing over her. He was the best surprise.
“I started that direction as a ploy, then I went into the woods, back tracked the quick way here without anyone the wiser.”
“Ooh, I love your 007 side.” She wagged her brows.
He slipped off his hat and dropped it on her desk. “I wanted to see you before I got all sweaty and dirty.”
She smiled. “I sort of like you all sweaty and dirty.” Her inner thighs throbbed in agreement.
He laughed. She could never get enough of the sound. “Ah, sweetheart, you’re adorable.” His eyes twinkled.
“Uhh…adorable?” She worked her bottom lip.
“Forgive me. You’re a sexy vixen who has moved into my body and I can’t seem to get anything done but think of you.”
“Okay, now that’s a revelation. You poor man. What can I do to help?” She stood and came around the desk. Every part of her tingled, remembering how he’d held her last night and made sweet love to her. She brought her fingers over her lips to keep from whimpering at the memory. There had been a difference in how he held her, kissed her, made love to her, but she couldn’t quite understand. Had his feelings changed? That was dangerous—and forbidden.
He encircled his arms around her waist, dragging her against him and all thoughts vanished except for what he could offer her physically. He dropped his lips to hers, slowly and with great caution, and licked the seam, then turned his attention to her tongue. She forgot where they were, the barriers between them, and snuggled into him. Entwining her fingers in the soft, worn material of his shirt, she tugged as she walked backward, leading him with her until her legs pressed the edge of the desk. She slipped onto the top, not breaking the kiss as she hiked up her skirt high on her quivering thighs.
He drew his chin back, his breaths sweeping across her cheek. “You’re going commando.”
“It’s a little treat I give myself.” She smiled. “And now you. No obstacle. Just me.”
“Damn! I learn something new about you every day. That’s hotter than hell,” his words were forced through tight lips. He dipped one finger inside of her, swirling the knuckle around her trembling muscles. He rubbed the tip across her G-spot and she bent her head back, reveling in the stimulation. “That’s where you like my touch,” he whispered.
“Yes! Yes!” she cried out, clinging to him as a fog washed over her.
“Bring those knees up, baby. Part those thighs. Let me in.” She did as he demanded, spreading for him. He rewarded her sweetly by probing her with a second finger, filling her, coaxing her muscles to relax for him. “I could never get enough of this. Your feel. Your taste. Your scent. You’re an aphrodisiac.”
His words churned through her fuzzy brain. She hoped he never got enough. Always coming back for more because, God help her, she wanted more. There was danger in their relationship, but she would walk through fire just to feel his touch. To have him hold her in his strong arms and hear his husky voice whispering his desires.
His fingers moved up to stroke her cheek, then threaded into her hair. “There are moments I think you were created just to drive me insane.” He breathed out. “Perfectly mad. Up until a few weeks ago, I would have laughed if someone told me I could want anyone as I want you. Ah, baby. I want you. I can’t satisfy the hunger. I’m starving.”
“Perfect.” She brushed her fingers down his warm jaw. “Amazing.” She kissed his chin, his cheek, nibbled his ear lobe. “I’m all yours. Take me,” she whispered.
“Right here, sweetheart? Right now?”
“Yes, Jared. Now!”
“I don’t have a condom with me.”
She slid her hands inside of his shirt, along his tight muscles and rolled her thumbs over his hard, flat nipples. He sucked in a breath and she continued to play with the sensitive flesh.
He hurried and undid his belt buckle, the metal clanged, vibrating her thighs. Then came the raspiness of the zipper. She exhaled in anticipation and then a knock came at the door. They both clenched and Jared quickly pulled back, adjusting himself and fixing the belt. “Damn!” he whispered.
Sofie slipped from the desk, adjusting her clothing, but nothing eased in her body. She could only imagine how red her cheeks were. She met Jared’s gaze and brought her finger to her mouth. “Shh! I’ll handle this.”
With quivering knees, she crossed the office and touched the doorknob, looking over her shoulder at Jared who had moved to the window, out of sight. When he nodded, she unlocked the door and opened it.
Chase stood on the threshold, a worried expression marring his tanned features. “Chase? I wasn’t expecting you.” Her chest tightened.
“I need to talk with you. Do you have a moment?” he asked.
“Uhm…I-I need to make a business call. Is it okay if I come by your office in a few minutes? It won’t be long.” Her hands trembled and she tightened her hold on the doorknob.
“Sure.”
“Are you okay?”
“Peachy,” he said. “We’ll talk later.”
Once he walked away, she waited until he disappeared down the hall, then Sofie closed the door and locked it again. Jared stepped to the middle of the office. “That was close,” he said.
“I thought I’d pass out.” She clasped her shaking hands together.
He shrugged. “I’m surprised we haven’t been caught yet,” he said with such casualty that it unsettled her.
“But-but if we are, we could be fired,” she sputtered.
“Don’t look so solemn, sweetheart. The worse we’d have to do is leave Nirvana. I’m sure you could get a job somewhere else, and me, well, I’m used to traveling.”
She narrowed her eyes, allowing his meaning to soak into her brain. “So, you’re saying you’d be okay if you had to leave here?” Why did this hurt so much? Maybe because when he mentioned leaving, he didn’t say as a couple. That shouldn’t bother her, but it did, and that scared the crap out of her.
He grabbed his hat from the desk and laid it on his head. “I’m only saying that I’m not good with all of this sneaking around stuff. Growing up I had to do a lot of it. I don’t do anything that I’m ashamed of to have to sneak around.” His pensive gaze seemed to burrow deep into her core.
She took a step toward him. “I’m sorry that you had to sneak around, Jared. I’m sorry this brings back bad memories.”
He shrugged and she swore she heard a seam break in his shirt. “I had an asshole for a father and a neglectful mom. Hell, many kids have suffered worse. My dad said he hit us as a way of saying ‘I love you’.”
Her stomach clenched. Before she knew what she was doing, she went to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “My heart breaks for you. No kid should have to live as you did.” What should have been a moment to cherish, quickly turned into something else. She realized when he’d tensed that he wasn’t prepared to let her in.
He pulled back, pushing her arms away. His jaw was steely, matching his eyes. “Don’t do that, Sofie. Don’t feel sorry for me.” His voice was thick.
“I-I’m not feeling sorry for you. I would give the same compassion to anyone.”
“Yeah, but this is me we’re talking about.”
“It’s okay to open up.” She wrapped her arms around her waist.
“The past is the past. Let it stay there. I’m not one of those men who open up and share emotions. I never have been and never will be.” His words were harsh and coming out of nowhere.
“Everyone is vulnerable at times. Letting down your guard on occasion, especially to someone who cares, is normal.”
He sniffed loudly. “If I open up, trust me, caring for me is the last thing you’ll do.” He blinked and all trace of his emotion was gone.
“We all have secrets, Jared. We all have bad memories and demons we’re juggling. I’m not asking you to spill everything, just let me see inside, even if it’s only a glimpse.” Her words were next to pleading. She wanted to know him, more than physical pleasure.
“Tell me, why do you care so much?” He closed his eyes a mere second as if to gather his emotions. He seemed to carry the world in the pale depths.
“I care because you are special,” she said. “You’re unique, different than anyone I’ve ever met.” Her bottom lip quivered.
“Growing up, all I wanted was to be like everyone else, normal. I used to see my buddies with their families eating at the dinner table, laughing. Hell, sometimes arguing, but it was the best danged thing I’d ever seen. People gathering around just to spend time together.” He snorted. “When my dad saw me coming, he walked the opposite direction. I used to dream that we’d sit down together at the table and just talk. That he’d for once ask me how my day went, did I make a tackle at football, did I make the honor roll. Closest thing I got to him caring was an opened bottle of beer passed to me. Misery loves company.”
Sofie’s eyes filled with tears and she inhaled sharply. She didn’t want to cry. She wanted to remain strong for him. Her heart ached for this man who stood before her without a sliver of weakness. He always had to be strong. “It’s not too late to have something, everything you’ve always dreamed of as a child.”
He chuckled. “I’d say that ship has sailed, sweetheart.”
“Change is on the horizon. You just have to be willing to grab it.”
“My past is written in stone. There’s nothing I can do to change the fact that I fell from a sour, rotten tree. You have to accept it just as I have.”
“You can’t alter the past, but you can determine the future. It can be as bright as you wish.”
His shoulders sagged. The creases around his eyes and mouth made him appear older. “We’re taking risks, Sofie. Risks that could change our lives. You and me sneaking around. Not using protection.” He swallowed. “If we…”
“What, Jared?” She needed him to continue.
“You don’t know me. Hell, lately I don’t know myself. One mistake and we could mess our lives up forever.”
“You’re talking about a pregnancy, right?” He nodded. “Would that be so bad?” What was she saying? She hadn’t thought her words through carefully. Yet, when she thought of having a child, she couldn’t see how the situation could ever be a mistake.
He blew out a long breath. “Do you really see yourself doing this for the rest of your life?” He lifted his hands in the air, encompassing the room in one sweep of his arms.
“Being a Life Skills Coach? No, I don’t. “
“I’m talking about living on a working ranch. With a man who gets his hands dirty for a living.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Nirvana isn’t exactly a working ranch, darlin’. It’s a paradise.”
“I have a feeling no matter how I answered, it would be wrong.” She sighed. “Why the hot and cold attitude?”
“Like I said, sweetheart, I’m not the marrying type. You’d do right by keeping that in mind.”
His words bulldozed through her. She inhaled, but her lungs wouldn’t fill with air. Tears blurred her eyes, but she couldn’t cry. Not in front of him. Her world shattered. “Then we’re on the same page because I don’t think you’re the marrying type either.” There…she’d given him a piece of his own pie. It was a defense mechanism, learned from being hurt before.
“Good. I’m glad that’s settled.”
“I see full well what you’re doing here, Jared. This is your way of getting rid of me. You’re starting to feel emotion and it’s scaring you. Well, I’m scared too. I’m frightened that you’ll walk away and I’ll never, ever, feel like I do at this moment again. I am willing to walk out of this building and announce to Nirvana, the world, that you make me feel like I can walk on clouds and soar along the highest mountains. Imagine this, Jared…wrap your brain around what I’m saying. You, a man who doesn’t give himself enough credit, makes someone happy…has made someone love him.”
His eyes widened and his jaw tightened. He straightened his hat and walked to the door as confident and unaffected as ever while she could barely stand on her quaking legs. He didn’t even look at her when he said, “Maybe I’m doing you a favor.”
And then he was gone. She went to the couch and slumped down on the cushion. She loved Jared. The words had come so easily—and so had his rejection.
CHAPTER NINE
Jared brushed the horse’s neck and his shoulder screamed in protest. He was too damn tense, had been since he’d left Sofie’s office that morning. He even felt a throbbing start in his temples. Dropping the brush into the bucket, he patted the mare on the back then looked past her “Jace, I’m heading to my cabin to grab something. Will you put Hester back into the stall?”
Jace gave him a thumb’s up sign. “See you at the hog roast later.”
Shit! He’d almost forgotten that he’d have to face people tonight.
Relieved of his duties, Jared headed toward the shortcut across the field.
He’d felt like a jerk since his conversation with Sofie. He’d pulled back—way back. One second he was holding her, overcome with so much emotion that he thought he could have dropped to one knee and given her his soul. Then the knock on the door came, like a dousing of cold water on his feelings. He’d stepped away, took a long, hard look at how deep he was in this thing with her, and he’d felt like he was drowning.
Over the years, with every woman he had sex with, he’d always, without question, worn a condom. Even if she swore she was protected, he still took the extra step and did what he knew was best. He’d really screwed up with Sofie. He felt like he’d let her down in some way.
He knew he was clean when it came to diseases, but he wasn’t su
re if he had little swimmers that could welcome him or herself into the world in nine months. Shaking his head, he scrubbed his jaw. Why didn’t that idea seem to scare Sofie? Jared passing down his sour gene pool should make any woman scream in fright.
Simple fact was, he’d let his guard down. She made it easy for him with her soft voice and her softer curves that hypnotized him into submission. He couldn’t believe he’d taken the risk and snuck into her office, without intention of having sex with her—well, it hadn’t been his intention for going—but he’d wanted just to see her, to say hello and good morning. Every morning when he awoke, she was already gone from his bed.
She told him she loved him. Had he been hearing things? Sofie loved him?
He had an urge to do a cartwheel, but his aching shoulders would probably give out on him. The hell with this sharing shit! This wasn’t him. He never saw himself married, kids, a white picket fence…and yet maybe he did because every time he looked at Sofie, he saw further ahead in his future than he ever had before.
Jerking his head back and forth, he hoped he could wedge the stupidity right from his thoughts. His dad had told him enough times that he was a loser and wouldn’t amount to anything but being an asshole and a “whore” like his mother. How could Jared believe that he could make someone happy, especially someone like Sofie who made the world a brighter place just by being in it? Her smile competed against the sun’s rays, and certainly did mysterious, magical things to his insides.
Anything he was feeling needed to hit the road and fast. He wasn’t the man for Sofie. She deserved a hero—like Chase.
The best thing Jared could want in life was to have a ranch of his own. Unfortunately, his parents’ blood rolled through his veins and there was always the chance he would be toxic to someone he cared for. He couldn’t do that to anyone. Couldn’t ask anyone to take a risk on him.
As he stepped back onto the narrow lane, he shot a glance in the wrong direction, toward the administrative offices. He had a strong desire to deviate off his beaten path again and sneak through the woods. That morning’s detour through the thorn bushes had left him with a sore butt. Not to mention a snake had slithered across his boot. All of that to get to the one person who could make him smile from the roots of his hair to the tips of his toes. Best damn feeling ever!
Smoke. Fire. Cowboy (Cowboys of Nirvana Book 3) Page 13