by Gabi Moore
She said nothing. It was my turn to speak, I suppose. I knew what she wanted to know, and enough was enough already. Either I would tell her and she’d leave, or I wouldn’t tell her and …what? I had to tell her.
“When I got back home from deployment,” I started, “I was in a pretty bad place. Back then I didn’t even know about PTSD. I thought that I was just stressed, but I was so jumpy and paranoid all the time.”
Damn. It sounded forced as hell.
“My ex and I fought a lot because of it. We were both really angry people,” I said, and I sensed her stirring in the darkness. She wanted to say something, but she didn’t. I had to go on.
“I… she came up behind me one day, just as a joke? I don’t know. She scared the daylights out of me, and I turned around and I … I hit her. Pretty hard, too.”
“You actually hit her?” said her voice in the darkness.
“I didn’t mean to, though. It was an accident.”
“So, you went to jail because you hit your girlfriend by accident?” she said, incredulous.
My eyes stung a little as I realized that no, she wasn’t going to smile and believe my stupid, almost unbelievable story and that yes, it looked bad. Really bad.
“Well, she reported me for domestic violence. Ordinarily it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, but the judge wanted to make a lesson out of me, and you know, I had this supervisor who also had it in for me since day one and he got involved, and the whole thing got blown out of proportion, and since I was an idiot and basically owned up to all of it…”
“Wait, but you did hit her?” she said.
My throat felt dry.
“Yes. Yes, I did hit her. But like I said, it was by accident.”
The night didn’t seem so cool and calm anymore.
“It just seems so weird that you would go to jail for one small mistake like that,” she said quietly.
Of course she would say that. Any woman with sense would say that. I knew what she was getting at. She waited in the dark for me to tell her what else I had done. For the secret behind the secret.
But there was nothing. Sure, technically, I wasn’t a domestic abuser. I hadn’t hit her on purpose. This much was true. But maybe I deserved the punishment anyway, in a roundabout sort of way.
I had done things in Iraq that were forgiving, but perhaps not strictly forgivable. Maybe I failed to stop myself from getting to that point. She needed me to be strong and I wasn’t, and so maybe two years was exactly the punishment I deserved. I didn’t know how to tell her this, though.
“So, you had PTSD? You hit her because you were stressed?”
I could almost feel the whirring of her brain as she tried to figure it out. Oh, it was more than ‘stress’. The things I had seen and done were not ‘stress’. When I came back, my whole world fell to pieces around me. Everything I thought I knew, everyone I loved, all of it broke down all around me, and none of it made sense anymore. I stopped being able to speak. Somedays, I felt like the only thing holding me together was the literal clenching of my jaw, or me holding my breath. That if I unballed my fists everything would fall to chaos again.
“Yeah. I was stressed. Really stressed. I didn’t mean it. I loved her. I never wanted to hurt her. But …but I did.”
This wasn’t at all how my speech was meant to go. That word ‘love’ felt dangerous on my tongue now, and I watched her in the silence as she thought a moment.
“Well, I believe you,” she said.
I hadn’t realized that she was unsure whether to believe me or not. “You did what you did, and you never meant to hurt her, so I can’t judge you.” It felt strange, as though she was just saying the words to convince herself.
“Have you ever hit a woman again? I’m just asking because you …well, when my ex came around…”
I reached out and touched her thigh. Her jeans felt so cold under my fingertips.
“Maddy, please, I beg you, whatever happens, please know that I would never hurt you.”
It’s always like this. You start life in the military with crowds of people cheering you on. They can’t wait for you to go out there into the muck and fight, and be a fucking man, and protect your country and all that other crap. And when you come back with blood on your hands, those same people are suddenly afraid. You went too close to the thing you were meant to be destroying, and now you scare them. They want you to put on a tie and a nice clean shirt and forget all about the humanity you threw away, for them.
She turned and looked at me, and I could see the distant streetlights reflecting off the wet globes of her eyes. She had that same dizzy, intoxicated look on her face as when she had first come with me, the first time she had let me deep inside her, and trusted me with those raw, unbridled parts of her that we both were shocked to discover. I had laughed and slapped her bare ass at the time. Now, just the thought of it made my stomach turn.
She exhaled loudly and tried to smile.
“Well, that’s not so bad. Weird but… at least you’re not a murderer!” she said.
My stomach lurched inside.
“I understand. I hope you never …well, it’s not for me to say. Thank you for telling me,” she said. She used exactly the same patronizing tone as my stress counsellors did. I hated it. She folded her arms tightly over her beautiful breasts and looked away again.
“Let’s go inside,” she said. “It’s cold out here.”
* * *
She put on a pot of chamomile tea and fussed a little with the dogs. I sat on the sofa and idly scratched the ear of Merlin, an ancient collie with a habit of resting her head on people’s knees and smiling up at them.
“Are you angry?” I asked, as she busied herself round the kitchen.
“Me? No. Of course not. I understand, this is how these things go. I’m sorry you went through all that.”
The words sounded hollow. She appeared in the room with the pot and two cups, and forced another smile. Something ached at the back of my throat.
“Are you like… getting therapy? For the PTSD?”
What she meant was, are you still a threat?
I nodded.
I went once or twice a week and had sessions with some old bat who had never crossed the state line and smelt like stale smoke, but yeah, technically, I was doing all the things I should have been. Just sucking it up and dealing with it.
She sat beside me and we kissed.
This was our usual routine. The sofa was our spot. Since the first time we had fucked, this had become our little nest. The secret, sacred place where she had shown me all sorts of wonderful things, and opened up to me. The only place in this run down house where things were beautiful and magical for a moment, where her body did enchanted things and the reason they did them was me. This sofa was brown and old and scuffed, but it was also an altar where I worshipped her, and where she taught me how to open deeper and deeper doors inside her. And now, she was keeping her distance, sitting all the way over to the side and trying to smile even though I could tell she didn’t want to.
We chatted and spoke for a while and then she clinked down her teacup and leaned in closer.
“I’m sorry if I’m a bit weird about what you just told me. You know …because of the way Alex was. I would just kick myself if I went and found another guy like that, you know?”
It hurt me that I couldn’t think of anything to do or say to make her trust me in that moment.
“Yeah, I know.”
She came close and kissed me again, and I held her, gently and carefully, my thoughts all over the place. Our clothes came off easily; by now we were well used to one another, to the buttons and zips, the ins and outs. I thought of the bruises I saw on her cheek that day. I ran my hands up and down her beautiful body and kissed her sweetly, but all I could see in my mind was the black and grey of her bruised skin.
Maddy was different. She had been kind and in our hidden moments together on this sofa, she had shown me something: that though I had hurt a
woman in the past, I could do other things, too. Good things. When she fluttered her eyes closed and let her head fall back, she showed me that my hands could bring pleasure, too. I didn’t want to hurt. I wanted to make her moan again, the same way she had the first time she had squirted all over me.
I scooched over on the sofa closer to her and wrapped my eager body around hers.
Everything would be fine, all could be forgiven, so long as her hair smelt just that sweet and her little tongue moved just like that over my lips. My hand at the base of her neck, I pulled her head back and kissed her throat, and then I found that beautiful dark haze descending over me again, and I began to lose myself in her again, wanting to kiss her deeper and harder. I pawed at her urgently, her body soft under my hands. I yanked her shirt out of the way, eager to get at her sweet, beautiful breasts underneath. The fabric strained and pulled in my hands.
She jumped back and glared at me, both little eyebrows kinked into an expression of concern.
“Hey, easy tiger,” she said.
My face burned. I leaned in again, but her hands were blocking her now, and though she kissed me back, her body seemed a little hesitant. Closed somehow.
“You OK?”
“I’m fine!” she said and pulled me in for another kiss.
We did all the same things we had done a dozen times before. I kissed her. I took off her clothes and she took off mine. She kissed me, sucked the tip of my cock, kissed me again. I lay down on top of her and parted her legs. It was all the same. And yet it wasn’t.
“Are you sure you’re fine?” I asked her again. She seemed irritated at the question.
“Yes, I’m fine, what’s wrong? Are you fine?”
She was right there, in my arms, and yet I felt her drifting away from me.
“When I fought with Alex …it was because …I guess he reminded me of myself. Do you understand that? I never want to be like that, Maddy.”
She smiled.
“I know.”
I slid inside her but she was all the wrong kinds of tight. She climbed on top, and again I stared at the ceiling that badly needed repairs, and my mind got tangled up on the way she was looking down at me, and how cold her body seemed compared to normal. I thrust a few times and she moaned and twisted her head side to side. I came quickly, mostly by accident, and she flopped down on me, looking relieved.
“And you…?” I said coyly, tracing fingertips down her belly and snaking them between her legs. “It’s your turn now…”, but she squeezed her legs shut and smiled that same awful, tight-lipped smile and said, “it’s OK, I’m not really in the mood anyway.”
“Was I too …was that too rough?” I asked, my cock rapidly deflating.
She wriggled off of me and reached for her shirt again.
“It’s nothing, I already said. I told you I like it rough like that, really …I’m just not in the mood for that right now.”
I kissed her a little more after that, but then we both kind of drifted off from each other. Eventually she asked when I was going to go home.
“Home? Uh, I guess now,” I said. I had stayed the night before, why couldn’t I stay now?
She nodded and busied herself with the animals again.
I left soon after.
Chapter 17 - Madeleine
I lit the match and tried to find that thin ribbon of hot air floating above it. Tried to breathe in the light. It was getting late, a good few hours past midnight, but whatever. Tomorrow would come no matter what I did.
The flame wiggled and danced between my cupped hands as it burned its slow way down the matchstick. It reached the bottom and I blew it out and lit another. My spell wasn’t working tonight. I flicked it aside and plunged myself into darkness again.
It’s not that I was scared of him. I wasn’t.
But this was all going too fast. It was pretty inconvenient, actually, that I turned into some sex-starved animal whenever he touched me. I let myself go in ways I never knew I needed to until I met him. He fucked me so hard and deep and kissed me so passionately he shook strange things loose inside. Things I had badly needed to be shaken loose. But now, here he was, telling me about a past that just didn’t match up with his sweet blue eyes, or that wild curly blonde hair of his.
The story seemed strange, too. Was I missing something? Was that a story that really made any sense?
I had gone through all the therapy a person can be expected to go through. I had been putting healthy boundaries up between me and Alex, and I had felt, really felt, that I was getting stronger and more confident about myself. I’d lost a little bit of weight lately, I felt happier and work at the clinic didn’t weight so heavily on me anymore.
So why did I feel so apprehensive? Was he about to ruin it all for me? After all, it was exactly my style to cut contact with one noxious man …and then race into the arms of another. But I didn’t have it in me to do that again. My bruises had healed but I couldn’t do that again. No more. I couldn’t risk opening up to a man who could …I didn’t even want to think of it.
But had I already gone too far?
For someone who was supposedly overcoming abuse, I seemed to like some dark things. I had pushed my body back into him, hadn’t I? I had egged him on, relishing the feeling of his hand teasing round my throat when we had sex, encouraging him to be even rougher…I had felt a sick pride to see how red my skin would be after we’d been together.
Was I the problem?
I exhaled loudly and went to the bedroom. I was exhausted. I started to change into my pajamas and get ready for bed when I heard my phone beep. It was usually a happy sound for me. The sound of a message from Zack, and like a dog I was used to salivating every time I saw that little icon and his name pop up on my screen.
I rummaged for my phone and stared at it in the dim light of the room. A text. From Alex.
Alex: You’re right. I’m selfish. I know it’s unfair to keep hounding you to forgive me. I’ll carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life. But I did mean it when I said I wanted you in my life still. As friends. Please consider it. I’m sorry.
I held the phone in my hands for a moment and thought. If it was any later I would have assumed I was dreaming. Alex was a devil. But he was, if you’ll pardon the expression, a devil I knew. Though I had gone further with Zack than I had with any man, he still felt new and scary to me. And at that point, I didn’t know which was worse – embarking on a new relationship with someone who was a potential abuser …or embarking on a relationship with someone who treated me with nothing but love and respect. At the very least, I knew how to do the former.
I texted back.
Maddy: I’ll always be your friend, Alex.
I hit send and imagined my words flitting off over the ether to him, wherever he was. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt for leaving him with that big, stupid restaurant bill.
The response was almost instant.
Alex: Can I call you?
The phone felt warm and strange in my hand. Like I was holding Alex himself, only a small and glowing version of him.
Maddy: Sure.
It was only a few moments before the phone was buzzing and flashing in my hands.
I answered.
“I’m sorry for leaving you with that bill,” I said. I heard him laugh on the other side.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s just money” he said. The line went quiet.
In the dark, with just his disembodied voice coming from the phone, I felt safe for a second. I climbed into bed and curled up, cupping the phone to my ear as I tucked myself in.
“Alex, this is fucked up. I’m so tired. This can’t go on anymore. I need to let go now. And I need you to let go of me,” I said.
They were strange words, intimate words that seemed to come from somewhere far off outside of me. The second I spoke them I imagined the outpouring of rage he’d respond with, of his insults and venom. How he’d tell me it was all my fault, that we were only on a break anyway, that I owed h
im, that I was disgusting, that I was the fucked up one.
“I know,” he said. “Maddy, I know.”
I was flabbergasted.
“That’s …well that’s not something I expected you to ever say.”
“I know. Look, can we forget the whole dinner thing? It’s hard for me, Maddy, being without you. I get crazy and frantic and then I stop thinking and then …well, you’ve seen what an asshole I can be. I have no excuse. I don’t know. I have problems. But I’m working on them.”
“I’ve heard it all before, Alex. You hurt me.”
The line was quiet for a while.
“I know. I hurt you and you were the one person who was gentle with me. The one person who tried to understand me. And I messed that up.”
“Yeah. You messed it up a lot.”
“You know what, Maddy, you should have broken up with me a long time ago. You’re stronger than you know.”
I laughed nervously.
“Who are you and what have you done with shitty old Alex?”
“Maddy, I’m serious. I walked all over you because …because you were too good. Too sweet. I took advantage because I was an asshole, and you were kind to me, and I didn’t know what to even do with that.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Alex, the man who would have punched a guy in the nose for looking at him funny, the guy who once broke his femur but finished his 8 hour shift first before going to the ER because he didn’t want anybody to think he was a ‘pansy’ … this same Alex was now speaking clearly and directly, saying all the things I had needed him to say so, so long ago. I was speechless.
“It’s stupid, I get this idea that I could win you back somehow, but I realize that that’s just another insult to you, just another imposition, you know? I get that. I’m sorry.”
His voice sounded faint and thin. It almost didn’t sound like him at all. Wasn’t it strange, how fragile men were, after everything? I had nursed broken bones and split lips and black eyes more times than I could count. But right now, it felt like they were truly the damaged ones. For some reason, Zack flashed into my mind.