But could I please ask that you use green chilli rather than red
And that you put the garlic in the oil when it’s cold?
Sorry it’s not for me.
I know but she’ll be able to tell if you put it in when it’s hot.
Sorry.
She just will.
Thanks.
Okay great.
And I know this is a bit weird
But if I tell you the things she can eat, can you try and make something out of them maybe?
Just something simple?
Okay amazing.
So they all need to be organic, but she can eat:
Wasabi
Soy
Kale
Black sesame seeds
And vegetable broth
No that’s it.
She just wants something simple and clean
Reckon you could whip a little something up?
9.
ROSIE
So Lucy,
Just a quick one –
Yeah,
So Wren’s bed,
She isn’t happy with the fibres,
Or in fact,
Any of it.
She says it feels cheap
And that –
Her words, not mine –
I’m just repeating what she said to me –
That it’s made from synthetic fibres and that she may as well be sleeping in a bin bag on the carpet.
Right.
Yeah.
She also said –
Do you want to hear it?
She did ask me to tell you all this so I think I should.
She said that she could inhale the contents of the hoover bag and –
Yeah I know that but –
And lie on a bed of rusty nails –
And have a better night’s sleep.
I’m sorry.
I just had to pass it on.
She made me promise.
She’d know.
If I hadn’t.
She just would.
LUCY
Well we’re not putting her in a hotel if that’s what you’re getting at.
There isn’t the budget.
Get her a new bed.
I have that delivery thing,
Use the black card and order it on that website I like.
Get it to come by lunchtime,
But I don’t want to pay extra for the delivery.
ROSIE
Okay Luc–
We hear the sound of a phone being hung up.
10.
JL
Merry Christmas and welcome to John Lewis, just so you know, if you place your order by 8 p.m. on
December 22nd and the product is still in stock, it will get to you by Christmas Day. So we can get you to the right person can you tell us, in a few words, what your query is about.
ROSIE
You have sent me an incomplete product.
JL
I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that, please can you tell me, in a few words, what your query is about?
ROSIE
The product you have sent to me is incomplete.
JL
I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that, please can you tell me –
ROSIE
You’ve sent me a bed that doesn’t have enough legs –
JL
I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that –
ROSIE
I JUST WANT TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN
JL
I think you are experiencing a few problems; I’m going to transfer you to a customer-service representative who can assist you with your query.
Adele plays for a few seconds.
Hello you’re through to Jennifer at John Lewis
Customer Services, can I take your name please?
ROSIE
Rosie
JL
Hi Rosie
What seems to be the problem today?
ROSIE
Hi.
Yeah so you’ve sent me a bed with only three legs
JL
Okay I’m ever so sorry to hear that Rosie, let me see if I can try and sort that out for you, can I just take your number in case we get cut off over the course of this call.
ROSIE
Isn’t it on your screen?
JL
We aren’t actually permitted to –
ROSIE
No okay it’s fine it’s 07654298735.
JL
Thanks for that Rosie.
That’s super.
Again, I’m very sorry this has happened.
Can I take the order reference number please?
ROSIE
HL39KY671
JL
Is that haitch for hotel?
ROSIE
It’s aitch actually.
JL
Haitch for hotel?
ROSIE
You actually don’t say it –
When you say aitch,
There’s no H.
JL
I’m sorry was it haitch for hotel?
ROSIE
Okay yeah for hotel
Then L for lettuce
JL
L for lima?
ROSIE
Right yeah sorry I don’t know the actual words –
JL
That’s quite alright Rosie so we have haitch for hotel L for lima 39 K for kilo Y for Yankee 671
Is that right?
ROSIE
Yeah.
JL
Okay I’m just going to have a little look through our system for that, do you mind if we put you on hold for a second?
ROSIE
Actually –
She doesn’t wait for an answer and is put straight back onto Adele hold music.
ROSIE is waiting listening to Adele.
JL
Hi Rosie?
Are you still there?
ROSIE
Yeah.
JL
Thanks for holding
So I actually don’t appear to have this order on our system, are you sure you definitely ordered it from
John Lewis?
ROSIE
Yeah I am.
JL
Right.
I hear that.
It’s just that it’s not showing up on my system.
ROSIE
Well there’s a bed right in front of me that’s come out of a John Lewis box and it only has three legs
I don’t know what you’re trying to say?
JL
I completely hear where you’re coming from Rosie,
All I’m saying is it isn’t actually appearing on my system.
But that’s okay,
Just bear with me –
Just one second Rosie.
Back to loud Adele hold music.
Rosie are you still there?
ROSIE
Yeah.
JL
Okay so we’ve managed to track down your order and I can see here that this is actually an external product so it’s actually not something I’m able to help you with over the phone. I’m afraid you’re going to have to go into a John Lewis store and speak to someone in person about this tomorrow.
Is there anything else I can help you with today
Rosie?
ROSIE
No, I’m sorry,
That isn’t going to work for me.
I need the leg before 8 p.m. today, I’m going to need help from someone today to sort this out?
JL
Right okay.
I can see where you’re coming from,
But as I say, I’m very sorry, but this isn’t actually something I can help you with over the phone, because it isn’t actually a John Lewis own-brand product –
ROSIE
It’s called the John Lewis Royal II High-end
Bedstead, Super-kingsize?
How is that not one of your products?
JL
I can see h
ow that could be confusing for you
Rosie but I’m afraid there really is nothing I can do from this end.
Okay Rosie I can see here that the store on Oxford
Street is open until 9 p.m. so if you can get yourself there this evening they might be able to help you out.
ROSIE
Right
JL
Is there anything else I can help you with today Rosie?
ROSIE
No thanks that’s it
JL
Okay you have a lovely rest of your day then, take care now, bye.
11.
ROSIE
Things Wren has said to me in the last thirteen minutes:
Rosie are you cross? Because you’re walking with cross feet.
Rosie why are you looking like that?
Rosie go away.
Rosie where are you?
Oh Rosie that’s a nice dress… Is it a dress or a top?
Rosie I’m a bit confused.
Rosie is this organic? Because the packaging doesn’t look organic.
Rosie my ear is itching; does this have tomato in it?
Rosie I’m allergic to tomatoes.
I’ll have a Bloody Mary.
Rosie what’s wrong with your eyes?
Rosie can we make sure we always wash our hands before touching me.
Rosie you really mustn’t put your phone in that pocket. You’ll get bum cancer.
Rosie, are you depressed? Because you only listen to depressing music.
12.
We hear the sound of an iPhone ringing.
ROSIE
Sorry
I’ve got to take this –
LUCY
Rosie
Right
When are you coming back?
Because there’s a disgusting smell
Yah
In the office
I feel like I’m going to vomit.
It’s awful.
It’s so strong I feel like I can taste it.
So we need to find out what it is asap
I can’t work like this.
ROSIE
Right well I’m at Wren’s apartment
Are Marni or Cressy able to help?
LUCY
Don’t be ridiculous.
They’re too busy to be dealing with this –
They’re working in Pret anyway because they can’t stand breathing it in.
I can’t leave.
I have some urgent emails to send and a meeting in ten minutes –
So you’re going to have to deal with this one Rosie,
I’m not being unreasonable here.
Just hurry up with the bed and come back to the office as quick as you can
Yah bye.
As ROSIE hangs up, her phone rings again.
WREN
Rosie –
Are you okay?
Has something happened?
Oh –
I’ve just been trying to get hold of you for the last three hours.
It’s been going straight to answerphone,
Has your phone broken or something?
Right well –
Have you got the bed?
Because we’ve decided to bring my babies down this evening,
So we’ll need a bigger bed to fit us all in,
We co-sleep.
So it will need to be the biggest one you can get that fits in the room
And it’ll need barriers, but not plastic ones
We’ll be at the apartment in two hours.
Also the babies need formula,
But we want to try them on a non-dairy one,
So you’ll need to go to Whole Foods and see what they have.
I’d like to avoid soya if possible.
And Rosie we need to make sure there are blackout blinds in all the bedrooms.
In case we decide to co-sleep separately,
I think that’s it.
Okay see you at six.
ROSIE
Fuck
Oh for fuck’s –
ROSIE’s phone is ringing again.
Sorry –
Sorry one minute
MUM is on the phone whilst mixing bowl of something.
As MUM starts talking, we hear classical string music being played in the background.
MUM
Hi Rose
Just a quick one,
I need your advice with something.
I’m planning the food for when the Talbots come to stay
In July
Do you think –
Yes I’m aware it’s December but I just need to talk to you about the way we’re going to do things
Do you think we should have a roast on the Sunday?
Something nice like beef or something
And go on a long walk that day,
Or do all of that the day before?
Because they’re leaving on the Sunday and it’s not very nice to travel after a big roast is it?
But doing it on the Saturday isn’t very traditional and I don’t know how I feel about that.
Plays from Vault Page 11