‘But you haven’t got a car,’ I said.
‘I know Eduardo would lend me his.’
‘If you can get it, I’ll drive you,’ I said quickly. ‘My last exam is this morning.’ Jude’s face broke into a warm smile.
‘Would you?’
‘Sure. I’d like to go anyway . . .’ I hesitated. ‘Maybe I could help, take the younger boys out for a while. Maybe I could do something . . .I don’t know.’ Jude’s hands both suddenly darted towards mine. She held them momentarily and then squeezed them.
‘You’re all right, Katerina,’ she said. ‘You know that?’ I smiled and looked away, pleased by her impulsive gesture.
‘So what time shall we leave?’ I asked.
‘Say about five. I’ll just go and ring Eduardo and ask him about the car. I’d better call Mum and everyone too.’
‘Don’t be too long, because I’ll have to ring my parents, too, and tell them I’ll be home.’
But when it was my turn, I couldn’t get through. The answering machine was on, so I left a message.
‘Mum, Dad. It’s Katerina. I’m coming home tonight. Don’t worry if you’re going out. Just leave the side door open. You’ve probably heard, Mrs McCaffrey’s got very bad. Anyway, see you tonight . . . Bye till then.’ I thought warmly of my last visit, and about riding Tessy again and maybe taking the twins out. I picked up my bags and shouted goodbye and good luck to Jude, who was sitting a physiology exam that afternoon.
‘I hope you do well, too,’ she yelled up the street after me. ‘What is it?’
‘Common law,’ I said and made a face. It was my least favourite subject, but I’d studied hard and expected to do okay.
We were both tired by the time we set out in Eduardo’s beat-up little car. Jude’s exam had gone well, but she still had one more to do the following week. All mine were over, so although I felt apprehensive about what we were driving towards, I also felt relieved. I knew I’d passed, possibly even done quite well. And that was satisfying. Actually I couldn’t help feeling really good. In spite of all the rubbish I got involved with, I’m not a porn star or a drug addict . . . instead I’m on my way to becoming a qualified lawyer! We didn’t talk that much on the four-hour trip, but we were easy enough together. We played some music and then Jude fell asleep for a while. I didn’t mind. I quite liked the silence of the country road. I knew my way around those hills and gullies well.
When we reached the last part of the journey, the funny little winding track leading up to the McCaffreys’ house, Jude woke up.
‘What if the family doesn’t want us?’ she said nervously. ‘They might want to keep this very private.’ I nodded, suddenly worried. I’d been thinking along those lines myself while Jude had been sleeping.
‘But Carmel wanted you to come, didn’t she?’ I said in a small voice.
‘Yeah, but . . . there’s all her brothers and her father. They mightn’t want me here at this time. I should have checked.’ I’d never heard Jude sound so unsure before.
‘Well, you’ll just have to come back to my parents’ house then,’ I said with false heartiness. ‘We’ll call in and say hello, and if it’s not okay for you to stay, we’ll leave quickly.’
‘Okay,’ she said.
I wondered if it might be better for me not even to show my face at the McCaffreys’. I was probably the last person Carmel wanted to see.
‘Do you think I should just drop you and head off without even coming in?’ I asked Jude, hoping she’d say yes.
‘Then how would I get back into town if I need to?’ she replied impatiently. ‘If they don’t want me there?’
‘Oh, yeah.’ I pulled the car up and turned off the engine.
‘Here we go,’ Jude groaned, opening the door.
Neither of us was prepared for the atmosphere of the McCaffrey household. It wasn’t as if the boys and their father didn’t greet us warmly. They all seemed glad to see us and that made us both feel better. They told us that Carmel was sitting up with her mother in the bedroom, but she’d heard our car and would be out soon. The twins each gave me a grin, as though challenging me to remember the fun we’d had last time. Mr McCaffrey sat us down at the table and brought in fresh tea and some cake.
‘Come on now, girls. Eat up. You’ve had a long trip,’ he said, trying to sound hearty.
But they all very quickly slipped back into a quiet sadness, which seemed to pervade the house. Everyone was waiting. So different from the last time I’d been there. Each boy seemed to be sitting alone with his thoughts. Yet the conversation kept going in a slow, desultory way, which was probably a kind of comfort to them all.
‘Did you get the washing in, Vince?’
‘Yep,’ he said, with a smile, ‘before the rain, too.’ He looked across at me. ‘How long did it take you?’
‘About four hours.’
‘The last five kilometres is hard if you don’t know the road, isn’t it?’
Every now and again, when the conversation dipped away from Mr McCaffrey, I saw him sort of get lost in the room, his light-blue eyes looking into space, occasionally glistening with tears. His face worn with the waiting.
When Carmel came into the room she looked strained and tired. But her face broke into a wide smile when she caught sight of Jude. They hugged each other and stood in the middle of the room, half crying and half laughing, all the boys looking on, curious and a little embarrassed.
‘It’s so good to see you!’
‘And you, Carmeloo.’
‘The exams. How did you go?’
‘Fine, fine.’
As I stood waiting to greet Carmel, I felt all over again that it was wrong for me to be there. That I shouldn’t have come. But Carmel greeted me warmly, too.
‘And Katerina,’ she whispered shyly, taking my hand for a moment. ‘Thanks for bringing Jude, and for coming yourself . . .’ I gulped and looked away, overwhelmed by her generosity.
‘That’s fine,’ I managed to say stiffly. ‘I was glad to.’
Carmel asked if we’d like to go and see her mother, explaining that the doctor would be coming soon and also the priest to give her the last rites. Neither of us knew what to say or what to expect, but we both nodded and followed Carmel up to the bedroom. The others, who’d been spending time with their mother in shifts all day, stayed with their father in the kitchen.
‘She’s been drifting in and out of consciousness for over twelve hours now,’ Carmel explained as she ushered us into the room. ‘The doctor was out this afternoon and he doesn’t think she’ll make it through tonight.’
The same musty smell I’d noticed last time was now even stronger, overriding the smell of perfume and soap. I stared down at the tiny figure in the bed and was overcome with how cruel it was. In six weeks she’d become as tiny and fragile as a sparrow, the narrow bones in her chest showing through her cotton nightie, virtually no hint of a breast now. Her yellow skin was drawn taut across her face. She was lying almost flat, except for a thin pillow under her head, her eyes closed, breathing heavily and unevenly. Carmel picked up her hand.
‘Mum,’ she said quite loudly, leaning down into her face. ‘Jude and Katerina have arrived to see you. Isn’t that good?’ Mrs McCaffrey seemed to stir and frown a little, almost as though she understood. The other hand lifted about twenty centimetres from the bed, fluttered slightly and then subsided. Her eyes, with the wonderful thick lashes, remained closed. The sound of her laboured breathing was terrible. The spaces between each breath seemed to grow. I felt myself beginning to panic, waiting for each breath. Would this one be her last? Or this next one? Such an effort just to breathe!
The twins tiptoed their way in behind us.
‘Will you blokes stay here and look after Mummy?’ Carmel said to them. ‘I’ll just go out to the kitchen with Jude and Katerina. They want to finish their tea.’
The boys jumped onto the bed, either side of their mother, and lay, heads propped up on their elbows, looking at each other over t
heir mother’s unconscious body, as though they were about to watch a movie on TV .
I was washing up the cups at the sink when Carmel came up behind me with a few more dishes.
‘Do you mind doing these?’
‘Of course not.’ I took them, glad to be of help. The doctor had just left after giving Mrs McCaffrey another shot of morphine, and the priest had just arrived. The whole family was going to be present for the last rites. I’d said my goodbyes, having decided to leave before the ceremony began.
‘Do you want to come in, Katerina?’ Carmel said.
‘No . . . it’s getting late. I’d better go now,’ I said, wiping the cups.
‘Well, thanks so much for coming and bringing Jude . . .’ I looked at her and, without warning, began to cry. She put an arm around me.
‘Carmel, I’m so sorry,’ I said through bitter tears. ‘For everything!’ ‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t matter. None of it matters.’ We stood apart looking at each other, me trying to smile through my tears. A mischievous twitch began around the corners of Carmel’s mouth.
‘So you’ve got Eduardo’s car?’ she suddenly said. I nodded.
‘Does that mean he and Jude are on together?’ she asked.
‘I can’t work that out,’ I smiled. ‘And I don’t think Jude can either!’
Someone was calling her from another room. She looked at me and patted my arm.
‘Well, tell us all about it next time,’ she said. ‘I want juicy details! Jude is being super-evasive!’
‘Okay, I will,’ I said. ‘Bye now, Carmel. I hope . . . your mother . . .’ What could I possibly hope for her mother?
‘Oh, I know. I know,’ she said gently. ‘See you soon, eh?’
Mr McCaffrey and Vince came out and insisted on seeing me to the car, both their faces knotted up gravely.
‘Well, I hope you both get a bit of rest tonight,’ I said, shaking their hands quickly and getting into the car.
‘I don’t think she’ll make it through the night, love,’ Mr McCaffrey said quietly. ‘Thanks for coming.’
‘That’s fine, really,’ I stammered. I’d done nothing, but people kept thanking me.
‘Say hello to your mum and dad, too,’ he called, lifting his arm to wave.
‘I will. I will.’
AS SOON AS I WALKED INTO THE ROOM AND saw them standing around waiting for me I just knew. My father was standing by the fire, his face ashen, his mouth a straight line. My mother stood behind the velvet fireside chair to the right of him, her hands fiddling nervously with the tassels along the back. I stood still, locked in their gaze, not knowing what to say. I was shocked to see how old and careworn my mother had become. Her face looked like any other smartly made-up older woman’s face, lined and wrinkled, not beautiful at all. I was so used to seeing my mother as special, beautiful.
They both looked exhausted.
My father turned around and picked up a thick tabloid newspaper from the mantelpiece. He opened it and flipped through a few pages.
‘We received this yesterday,’ he said coldly, holding it out for me to take with trembling hands, ‘but apparently it came out last weekend.’ I took the paper from him, outwardly calm. But inside I was a fridge. There it was, a half-page picture of me frolicking at the beach, naked except for a G-string. It was a shot that Jordan had particularly liked because my body was twisted in such a way that practically all my bum was exposed and one whole breast. I looked very sultry and provocative, the sea visible through my spread legs. The headline was ‘Uni Student Caught in Gay Bust’. I didn’t raise my eyes until I’d read the whole article. It took ages because my blood felt frozen and everything around me had slowed down. The article actually wasn’t all that incriminating. It described me as a law student and ‘part-time model’ who’d been charged with possession of drugs, and said that if readers wanted to ‘see more of sexy Katerina’ they should look out for a hot calendar that would be coming out the following summer. Jordan had done a job on me all right. A nasty, vindictive job. But it could so easily have been worse. There was nothing about how many drugs I’d been found with, or what I could have been charged with. Nothing about Jules. It was one of those stupid articles that would be forgotten the next day.
After what seemed like years, I got to the end of it.
I looked up at my parents. I wasn’t crying. I hardly felt anything at all.
‘Who sent you this?’ I said at last.
‘It’s a newspaper!’ he snapped. ‘Published for everyone to see. Don’t tell me you don’t understand that!’
‘I know that,’ I said, ‘but neither of you buy this kind of paper. Who gave it to you?’
‘What does it matter?’
‘I’d like to know.’
I was shaking. I was sure that Jordan didn’t know where my parents lived. I’d told him nothing about them. I closed my eyes and prayed silently that they’d tell me it was some nosy-parker from Manella. That some workman with a grudge against Dad had dropped it outside their door to humiliate him. I could live with that. My father handed me a yellow envelope. There were five more copies inside and a note from Jules, scrawled on a piece of blue prison paper. Thought you wouldn’t want to miss your daughter in this! I stared at the note and tried to understand. I hadn’t been back to see him in weeks. He must have decided to punish me in the only way he knew how. The only way open to him. Shit! I felt as if I’d been stabbed.
‘What have we done to deserve this?’ My father spoke softly. I wanted to say something. Not really to justify myself, just to say something.
‘You’ve broken your father’s heart, Katerina,’ my mother said, ‘and Louise’s. She’s absolutely devastated. She came up today, but left because she couldn’t face you. She doesn’t want to go ahead with the wedding. You’ve humiliated her so badly.’
‘I’ve humiliated her!’ I said. ‘Funny, I wouldn’t have thought . . .’
‘Of course you have!’ my father shouted.
‘How? What’s she got to do with this?’ I shouted back. ‘Or is it that she’s got everything to do with most things . . . for you! I’m sick of Louise. Sick of her!’
They just looked at me. Of course it was just tactics on my part. They didn’t have to explain. Of course I’d humiliated Louise. Because in a family like mine so much goes unsaid. So much is just assumed. They just assumed I wouldn’t get into something as crude as the drug scene. They just assumed I wouldn’t think of flashing my body all over a pathetic newspaper like that. After all, they’d spent all that money on my education. I’d had the best of everything. Why would I?
I sighed, not knowing what I could possibly say.
‘Your sister had all the invitations written,’ my mother said accusingly, a sob threatening to spill out into her voice. ‘The caterers had been booked. She’d even ordered the material for your dresses . . . and now. She can’t go through with it now!’
What colour? I wanted to ask. Did you decide on the russet red or the pale apricot? Oh God! I’m sorry, Mum.
‘And what about you, Mum?’ I said. ‘Have I.. . . broken your heart, too?’
I didn’t mean to sound like that. Not at all. I was shocked, I suppose, and sorry to have caused them such pain. But I was also filled with irritation at the way she stood there, behind my father, as if she had no thoughts of her own. I don’t ever want to be like that. And I don’t want to have to live behind Louise all my life. She winced and stared back at me in shock.
‘Of course you’ve hurt your mother,’ my father said furiously. ‘You’ve hurt and humiliated us all.’
‘Please,’ I said in a small voice. ‘I want to explain . . .’
‘Explain!’ he yelled. ‘I don’t really want to hear why my daughter has behaved like a common little tramp!’
‘Then I’ll go.’ I moved towards my bag on the couch.
My mother gave a small cry of protest and took a couple of steps towards me.
‘Oh no, Katerina,’ she said. ‘Do
n’t go. I want to hear . . .’
‘Well, I don’t want to hear,’ my father cut her off.
‘Albert . . .’ she whispered, putting a hand on his elbow. ‘I don’t think we can . . .’ He brushed her aside.
‘Leave!’ he shouted at me. ‘Go back to those degenerates . . . ! Those people you obviously like mixing with . . . I want no more to do with you.’
‘Katerina is my daughter. I want to talk to her . . .’ my mother said. She didn’t often speak up, so we both looked over at her in surprise.
‘Talk!’ my father shouted, throwing both hands up and walking to the far end of the room. ‘Talk!’ He pushed the piano lid down savagely, making a loud discordant sound. His face had turned a very unhealthy shade of purple. ‘What is there to talk about?’
Mum and I stared at each other. What is going on inside her? Why doesn’t she walk across the room and grab me? Even hit me? I wouldn’t mind. Don’t just stand there, Mum. Please.
I picked up the bag I’d thrown onto the couch and walked out. They both stayed rooted to their spots in the lounge room.
I went out the front, towards the steps that led down to Eduardo’s little car. At the top of the steps I turned. The curtains hadn’t been drawn, and I could see through the window into the lounge room. They were both standing in exactly the same poses as when I’d left. Rigid as a couple of store dummies. My father with one hand on the shiny piano, my mother next to the chair, each looking in the opposite direction.
I began to cry as I drove the car down the hill. By the time I had it on the main road back to Melbourne, about four kilometres from Manella, I was sobbing. There wasn’t much traffic, but every now and again I would be dazzled by the oncoming lights of a car travelling fast in the opposite direction. I honestly didn’t care what happened to me, but Jude had told me that the little car was Eduardo’s pride and joy. It wouldn’t be fair to wreck it. So I pulled over to the side of the road and sat crying for about ten minutes. Then I pulled fresh tissues out of my bag, dried my eyes, turned the car around, and drove back into Manella.
Queen Kat, Carmel and St Jude Get a Life Page 40