by G. Neri
“What the fuck? This ain’t playtime. We’re here to make a point.”
He walked out and saw us standing in the doorway. “Hey girls. Just in time. Make sure you get my good side, Fish.” He winked, then turned his attention to his minions.
“Listen up. They gonna be marching down this street in a few minutes and when we see ol’ Joe Lee pass by with his big ol’ bullhorn, we gonna let him have it, comprende?”
“Why we don’t all just go down there and play Knockout?” Prince muttered. “A few KOs, that would make a statement.”
Kalvin nodded. “Yeah, a stupid one. We got to be cool, Prince. Can’t be doing the obvious. They expect us to act like animals or something. We got to show them it’s all a joke to us.”
Prince was flustered. “Well, that cabron is wrong. I ain’t no stinkin’ animal.”
Kalvin took the water balloon from Prince and rolled it in his hands. “Damn straight. Now let’s show these fuckers what we got.”
They ducked behind the barrier armed with balloons. Kalvin noticed me standing there. “You too, girls.”
Destiny grabbed a couple of balloons and held one out for me.
“But I’m gonna record this,” I protested, holding up my camera.
“Don’t be a wuss.” She tossed me a balloon. I let go of the camera to catch it. Luckily, the camera was strapped to my wrist.
“Just throw with one hand and shoot with the other,” she added.
We sat with our backs on the barrier and I pointed my camera down the line. It was like one of those war movies where they were getting ready to attack. C-Jay sat next to me, drawing a face on a balloon with a Sharpie pen. “Who’s that?” I asked.
“It’s me! That dude’s gonna look up and see me coming for him!” he said, all excited.
“There’s a couple cops down there,” I told Kalvin.
“Eh,” he scoffed. “Mall cops looking for overtime. Besides, we’re hidden by the dark up here. No one will know where the attack came from.”
I listened to the chants coming from down the street and tilted my camera up and over the ledge to see. Sure enough, they were on the march. Joe Lee was in front, chanting on his bullhorn: “What do we want?”
“Justice!”
“When do we want it?”
“Now!”
That last chant came right as they marched in front of our building.
Kalvin rose up. “You heard ’em. They want it now. Well, let’s give it to ‘em!”
We all rose up, arms cocked, ready for battle.
“Fire!” he hissed. Nobody saw the cloud of water balloons coming their way.
I let mine fly first, just so I could see what I was filming. It was blind luck that it headed straight at Joe Lee. The last thing I heard him say into the bullhorn was: “Shit!”
Bullseye. The balloon exploded on his chest, the others splattered the crowd around him, dousing some of the candles the marchers had. The boys stayed calm and before the crowd could run, the second round was in the air and headed their way.
The crowd scattered like ants. Nobody seemed to know where the balloons came from, pointing up in different directions into the darkness.
When someone pointed our way, some of the boys panicked. “Dang, we gotta get outta here!” said Tyreese. Within three seconds, they were all running back down the stairs. Destiny and Prince were right behind them, laughing. I got up to leave, but Kalvin grabbed my arm.
“Stay,” he said, as a dare. My feet were ready to move, but he had so much confidence in his eyes, I stayed put.
Prince lingered by the door. “Orale! Come on, K. They’re coming.”
Kalvin walked up to Prince and put his hand on his shoulder. “You go on ahead. I’ll catch you later. Make sure everyone goes out the back.” He gently pushed him through the door and closed it behind him. Prince started to say, “But—,” and then the door clicked shut. The last thing I saw was Destiny, down the hallway, looking confused.
“Uh . . . what are we doing?” I asked, panic starting to rise in my throat.
“Wait.” He grinned, grabbing the chair he’d been sitting on. He jammed it under the doorknob good and tight. There was a cement planter sitting to the side. “Come on, help me.” It was heavy, but we managed to slide it over in front of the door. “Let’s see them get through that!” he said.
There was no other way out. The buildings next door were shorter or taller than ours and there was no fire escape leading up here.
Kalvin took an apple out of his jacket pocket, polished it on his shirt, and took a bite as he watched the scene below. A few Tokers made their way out the front, busting past people coming in. The cops gave a halfhearted chase. Mrs. Lee now had the bullhorn and was pleading for people to stay focused.
I peeked over the ledge right when Joe looked up where we were. We both ducked down out of sight.
“He saw us!” I panicked.
“No, he didn’t. It’s too dark up here.”
We waited and listened. Kalvin calmly took a bite of his apple and offered it to me.
I heard steps. Someone was running up the stairs. “He’s coming!” I hissed, about to run for it.
“Ooooh . . .” he said, pretending to be scared. He held on to my arm so I couldn’t bolt—not that there was anywhere to go. “Chill. Don’t you trust me?”
The doorknob moved. Someone pushed on the door; luckily, it didn’t budge.
“Kalvin . . .” I said nervously. Kalvin giggled like it was no big thing.
Somebody rattled the door and started pushing on it. Hard.
“What?” he whispered. “We got the roof to ourselves.” Kalvin regarded me with those green eyes of his and held out the apple for me. This was nuts, but he just didn’t seem to care.
I had to admit, it was kind of exciting.
I took a bite of his apple as he held it, the juice dripping down my chin. He leaned in and licked it. The next thing I knew, we were kissing.
Someone kept banging on the door, cursing us, but those sounds disappeared from my mind as I felt his breath on mine. He kissed me deeply, his tongue doing all kinds of things that scattered my thoughts. I came up for air, out of breath.
“Kalvin . . .” was all I could manage to say.
He put his finger to my lips and gazed into my eyes. I was confused—should I give in and hope the cops don’t come busting through? Should I let go and do whatever came next?
“Trust me,” he whispered.
I held on to his hand. Suddenly, it felt like this could go further. Everything felt heightened, more alive, like anything could happen.
I nodded, opened his hand and kissed his palm. I felt awkward doing it. It was something I saw on TV and thought was sexy. But he took my other hand and started doing the same thing and it sent a chill up my spine.
I was breathing harder and then I just had to grab him and hold him tight. He began kissing my neck and I couldn’t help it, I started giggling. I didn’t know what to do. But for every fumble I made, he made a gentle adjustment—he just showed me how to do it. Guiding me by the hand. I let him.
As we made our way to the ground, in the back of my mind I wasn’t sure if I was I ready for this.
He pulled back softly and looked at me. “Are you scared?” he asked.
I wasn’t sure what the right answer was. “I guess.”
He stroked my hair. “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” Right then the banging on the door stopped. Kalvin shrugged. “I guess he realized there was nothing going on here....”
I eased up and held him close. Maybe I was ready to try. “Do you have any . . .” I couldn’t even say the word.
“Condoms?” He gritted his teeth and shook his head. “Normally, I woulda come prepared, but I really wasn’t expecting this. I guess I just got caught up in everything. . . .” He paused to think about it. “When did you have your . . . last period?” he asked, embarrassed.
“That’s kinda personal, don’t you t
hink?”
He just raised his eyebrows as if to say it doesn’t get more personal than this.
“Oh. Yeah, I guess . . . a week ago?”
“Mm,” he said, unsure.
His body was pressed to mine, so I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. “Maybe we could just do it . . . just a little?” I asked.
He smiled. “A little . . . is not so easy.”
“It’s my first time,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
I expected him to laugh, but he didn’t. He kept stroking my hair. “I can be gentle, you know. The first time should be nice.”
He kissed me softly on the cheek, caressing my hair, my face, my lips. Slowly, I could feel something building in me like a train. I kept wondering how much it was going to hurt, but everything else was feeling good.
“Give me your camera,” he whispered into my ear.
“What?” I asked.
He smiled gently. “I want to record us.”
That made me uneasy. “Why?”
“This will be a moment to remember, something just for us.” He kissed me even deeper, his hand roaming my body and then stopped when it found the camera in my pocket.
“Nuh-uh,” I said. “This is one video that is not happening.”
He acted hurt. “Not even . . . for me?”
I shook my head. “Some things are off limits.”
His other hand was resting on my heart. He could feel it pounding like it was going to jump out of my chest. He nodded.
“I need you to trust me,” he whispered. “I’ll take care of you.” He kissed me softly and started to undo my pants.
I grabbed his hand.
“Just . . . relax,” he whispered.
That’s when his hand slid down into my panties.
Oh. So that’s what that’s like. I closed my eyes and melted into his body. I relaxed.
I could feel him doing something with his pants and I just let it happen.
“Are you OK?” he breathed into my ear as he pressed his body into mine. A “yes” escaped my lips even before I knew what he meant. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him pull out his phone and set it against the wall next to us.
“I want to be able to see you when you’re not with me.”
“But—”
His mouth glided down to my breast and a white-hot flash engulfed my thoughts. “It’s just for me, for my eyes only,” he said, but before I could protest, his other hand slid off my pants, and I lost control. “You’re the only one,” he said as the stars started spinning.
I wanted to make him happy. I let him take me for a ride.
20
We spent the night on that roof. It was freezing, but our bodies gave off so much heat, we could’ve melted an iceberg. Kalvin grabbed some blankets from a storage box where he kept boxing gloves and stuff. He claimed in the summers, he and the crew would lie out under the sun. I found that hard to believe but at the moment, I didn’t care.
We cuddled up under the stars and listened to all the hoopla on the street slowly die out, until it grew quiet. I had bled some, but the pain had been less than I’d expected. He had taken it slow and gentle, like he promised. It felt weird, but I liked that he took his time. We ended up doing more than just a little, but he said he had pulled out in time. And now, I guess I was no longer a virgin.
Even though the last thing I wanted to do was watch me fumble about, we watched the video. I could see it meant a lot to him. At first it felt super strange being in front of the camera, especially like that. Oh my God. My only thought was what if my parents saw this? But Kalvin was very reassuring. He said he’d send it to me, for my eyes only. This was our first real moment together and now it was captured forever.
A picture might have been better but I guess that’s what people were doing these days. I just went along because I wanted him to feel happy, I guess.
“Don’t go showing this to the guys or anything,” I said, just to make sure.
He acted insulted. “I would never do that, Erica.” I believed him.
I knew I should be home in case my mom Skyped me. I texted her saying that I was going to sleep and I’d see her in the morning. We hadn’t Skyped for a while, so she should buy it.
“Say hi for me,” said Kalvin.
I elbowed him. “Yeah, maybe you want to show her that video while you’re at it?”
I’d spent years wondering what it would feel like to be with someone, but this was not what I expected—doing it outside with a black boy on a sex tape. Despite everything it took to get here, though, it felt surprisingly right. Except for the video part.
I spotted Boner watching us from the window above. He didn’t yap or jump about like his usual self. At least he wasn’t threatened by me.
Kalvin told me that when his dad died, he’d hide out here alone at night and watch the stars. He hoped maybe his dad was up there looking back. I joked that maybe he hadn’t been alone up here, but he shook off the idea that he’d be out here with another girl.
In a quiet moment, he gazed at my skin under the moonlight. “It must be weird having white skin,” he said. He confessed that he’d always wanted to be with a white girl, especially one with red hair. He’d had plenty of black girlfriends before, but when he saw me, even though I was hiding behind a camera and a hoodie, he had a feeling. Like I was just waiting for him.
“So you must like . . . big girls?” I asked, feeling the flab on my stomach.
“What?!” He laughed so hard he almost choked. “You think all black brothers dig big white women? Is that what you heard?”
I nodded.
He kissed me softly. “People are into things that are different from themselves, that’s what draws us. You’re about as different from me as I am from you. Opposites attract, right?” He stroked my hair. “Besides, you’re just all woman, and I like that. Don’t care for them skinny model types. I want a real woman, one that you can feel the weight of.”
I poked him. “The weight of?”
He didn’t back off. “That’s right. And that hair? Come on, for real? It’s like you’re the sun or something. How many girls got real red hair? You don’t need to hide it under that hoodie. Show yourself; be proud of who you are.”
He was right. I was tired of hiding. “White boys never even look at me, unless they’re making fun.”
“Well, fuck ’em,” he said angrily. “What do they know? They’re into those cutesy little girls with their ponytails. That ain’t a woman. You’re what I want. I’ll take you to any dance you like.”
That meant a lot, even though I couldn’t picture him in a tux escorting me to the prom. But this was better. He held me tight and didn’t say anything more, slowly falling asleep in my arms. For the longest time, I just watched his face.
He was different. That’s what intrigued me. There was something dangerous about him, but I knew he had a sweet side too. That’s what drew me in. Under the stars, I felt good to be next to him and yeah, maybe even good about myself. I pulled off the blanket and let myself be naked for all to see. It was dark out, so it wasn’t that risky. I got goose bumps all over from the cold, but for the first time, I wasn’t ashamed about what I looked like. Against his dark lean body, I was yin to his yang. Lightness and dark. A whole.
I covered us up and dozed off. I wasn’t asleep very long before he started twitching and rolling about. Bad dreams. I looked closely at his face, trying to read his mind. I almost got elbowed in the face for it. I woke him up and he jumped with a start, his fists up and ready to attack. I had to call out his name a few times before he saw it was me, even though he was looking right at me. He was covered with sweat.
The sun slowly crept up on the horizon and I knew I should get home before Mom got there. He seemed sad to see me go, but he let me. “I still wanna see those drawings you made,” he said.
I looked around and spotted the Sharpie C-Jay had used earlier. “Hold on,” I said. I reached out and grabbed it, then slung his leg over m
y lap.
“What’re you doing?” he laughed.
“Giving you something to remember me by.” I looked up and saw Boner still in the window. It took me about ten minutes to capture his likeness.
“Well?” I asked.
“That’s some tat.” He gazed at it, amazed. “It doesn’t look like you, though.”
I pushed him off me and got up. “Funny.”
He touched the ink dog. “I’ll never wash it.”
“You better not,” I said as I headed to the door with only thoughts of what we did just a few hours ago.
When I hit the street, the first thing I saw was a pair of those Eyez drawn in chalk on the sidewalk in front of Kalvin’s building. They were watching, but did they see us? I felt invisible walking through the damage from last night—broken balloons, trampled signs, a few shattered car windows on the street—I just floated through it all. As I turned the corner, I glanced back at Kalvin’s building.
He was still watching me from the roof.
Of course I barely beat Mom home. I didn’t even have time to change. I was so flustered, I couldn’t bear talking to her, scared I might reveal something by accident. So I said I had to go meet up with Destiny because of some video project that we were going to present on Monday. She asked when was I going to show her something and I said, “Soon.”
Right as I was headed out, she stopped me.
“What happened to your hand?”
My fist was still puffy and bruised. “I . . . tripped. At school.”
She touched it; it was still tender. “Are you OK? Do you need to see a doctor?”
I pulled my hand back. “No, the school nurse said it wasn’t broken.”
“Well, good. At least you’ll be able to draw again.”
She was always throwing in things like that out of nowhere as if the past was always on her mind. I didn’t respond.
When she came in to hug me, her expression changed. Something was off. She looked me up and down like something was different.
“What?” I asked.
She kind of blushed and wouldn’t say. I hurried out, embarrassed. At the bus stop, I smelled my collar. It smelled of Kalvin.