by G. Neri
“The difference is, yours beats fast because you like the hunt. Mine beats because I know something’s wrong here.”
His eyes grew darker. I could see the disappointment. “Fine. Then you might as well take that camera of yours and give the cops what they want. I mean, if you don’t want to be with me anymore, why not?”
He was testing me. That was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Go on, take it out,” he said.
I put my hand on my hoodie pocket and he knew I had it on me. He simply reached over and helped me pull it out. He turned it on and pressed Record.
He held up my arm so the camera aimed at him. I wanted to leave, but part of me wanted him to confess everything. Maybe this was the way to stop him. To save him from himself. And to save Joe Lee too.
“Yo, everybody. Knockout King at your service. ’Bout to go deliver some justice. Them’s my boys back here, awaiting my word. Ain’t that right?” he asked me. He dropped his hand and started walking. “Come on, let’s get on with it.”
I couldn’t help it; I followed him. I had to see what was going to happen. Maybe the camera would actually prevent him from doing something bad. He could always blame my presence as a way to save face. And if that didn’t work, I could warn Joe what was coming.
Prince whistled and pointed toward the library. “Orale. They’re leaving.”
“What do you mean, they?” I asked.
“Him and his bitch. It’s like a twofer one,” he said excited.
We all spotted the couple at the same time, their backs turned to us, walking away. It was only then that I knew Mrs. Lee was in for it too.
“Kalvin, that’s Mrs. Lee,” I said panicking.
“So? She knew what she was getting into when she hooked up with him.”
“But she’s my teacher,” I said.
Kalvin looked at me in disbelief. “Yeah, well, she’s also the one that expelled me from school.”
“Bullshit. That’s Mr. Jamison’s job.” I stared him down. “And it’s not like you want to go back anyways.”
“She was behind it. She’s not innocent.”
He was serious. I pointed the camera at him. “So what are you gonna do then, Kalvin?” I asked.
“Be a shark,” Kalvin said. His eyes were blazing, the green in them almost glowing. He gestured to the Tokers and they all got up and started across the street toward Mrs. Lee and Joe as they turned down the alley—just another couple walking home from the library.
The hairs on my neck rose; my muscles tensed up. I had to warn them. Kalvin and the crew sped up, leaving me a few steps behind so I got cut off by a couple of passing cars. By the time I reached the other side, they were moving faster and faster down the bleak alley—an army about to charge the hill.
Next thing I knew, Kalvin was sprinting like the cheetahs he watched on TV. I opened my mouth to yell something, but my throat closed up tight and all I managed was a weak, “No!”
It all happened so fast. Kalvin leapt into the air and his fist came crashing down into the back of Joe’s neck. The man tumbled, his bag of books went flying. Kalvin’s muscled body landed right on him and he made sure it hurt. He tumbled off Joe’s body, but got right back and slammed him in the kidney. Mrs. Lee stood in shock, shoved aside by Prince, who landed a few kicks of his own at Joe.
I somehow got closer than I’d planned—right in the middle of the action. I saw Kalvin get right up into Joe’s ear, almost choking him, hissing, “Didn’t your mother ever tell you if you can’t say something nice about someone, you should just shut the fuck up?” He was about to deliver his final knockout when Mrs. Lee came out of nowhere. She shoved me out of the way, spraying pepper spray right into Kalvin’s eyes, screaming out of control. Prince jumped at her, but he got it in the eyes too. Suddenly, they were both down, cursing and shouting, “Get that bitch!”
She froze when she saw me. A look of confusion passed over her face. When she saw the camera and the boys coming for her like a pack of wolves, she raised the pepper spray again.
At me.
My instincts jumped in. I grabbed for her hand. I had my back to her as we wrestled for control of the canister. I didn’t want to hurt her; I just wanted the pepper spray, but she wouldn’t let go of it. I thought if I could get it away from her, I could save her from the others, maybe even pull her away from all the mayhem.
But it was like trying to save a person from drowning. She fought back so hard, she was dragging me down with her. I found myself struggling just to keep her under control.
“Mrs. Lee, stop!” I yelled and for a fraction of a second, she did. It was too late. I heard Tyreese yelling, his body flying by me fist first. Everything slowed down at that moment; the sound turned off. I got pushed to the side where I landed on Joe, his eyes open but gazing into another world. I scrambled like mad to get off him and tumbled back to the ground. In my right hand was the pepper spray.
Tyreese almost landed on top of me. I rolled out of the way but my hand landed in something wet and sticky. The next moment was frozen in time. I gazed down at the sticky stuff—dark red, like syrup. Blood. My eyes drifted over, following the trail.
Mrs. Lee was lying at an awkward angle. Her head rested on a curb, blood trickling from some unseen area under her hair. Her lips were turning blue in front of my eyes.
No—
Tyreese took a step back, his face in shock. “I didn’t mean to,” he mumbled, rubbing his fist.
C-Jay came up and put his arm around him and whispered, “You took care of business.” Tyreese nodded, but I don’t think he believed it.
Kalvin and Prince were writhing around in agony trying to wipe the pepper spray from their eyes. But my eyes remained frozen on Mrs. Lee’s face.
Her eyes were gazing right at me. But they weren’t bright and clear like I remembered—they were cloudy and gray like the sky overhead. I’d never seen a dead person, but I was pretty sure that’s what a dead person looked like—the life just sucked out of her and only the hollow shell left behind.
Tyreese started to cry.
C-Jay grabbed my arm. “Come on, we gotta get outta here!” He was dragging Tyreese and the others. They started running. I just stood there staring at the blood on my hands.
Finally, Kalvin wrapped his arm around me. “We have to go,” he said. His eyes were red and teared up. “We have to go!”
I stayed rooted in my spot. “She’s dead.”
“No, she’s just bleeding.”
“I killed her,” I said. Crazy talk.
Kalvin bent down and touched her neck. “She’s still alive. Come on; we gotta go!”
We had to step over Joe. He was groaning and made a feeble attempt to grab my leg. Kalvin kicked him, pulling me away. We ran.
I was crying now. The tears made it hard to see.
Kalvin pulled me this way and that. He stopped suddenly. “We can’t go to my house. Someone might come looking. Come on.”
I didn’t remember anything, just that we were moving, moving, moving—down alleys, across parks and vacant lots. It began to rain.
The only thought I had was that I just wanted to lie down in my bed and curl up into a ball.
28
Why I brought him here, I don’t know. I wanted to go home. He somehow came with me. The last place I wanted to be with him was in my house. But Kalvin could talk you into anything if he wanted.
Luckily, when we got there, Mom was asleep. It was her day off. She slept all day and nothing could wake her up. The fire alarm went off a month ago and she’d slept through the whole thing.
I told Kalvin we could stay here a few hours, but he’d have to leave before she got up. I pulled him into my room and locked the door. He sat on my bed, wet from the rain, but I didn’t know what to do. I thought about showing him my drawings, that’s how out of it I was.
I started crying instead.
“Come on,” he said softly. “Come here.”
“Fuck you. Did I tell you? Didn’
t I? Why don’t you ever listen?”
I had so many mixed feelings. I had been running on adrenaline and now it was all tapped out. Looking at Kalvin, his eyes red, his face ragged, his fists bruised. I knew the game was over.
“Come here,” he said a little more forcefully.
“No,” I said, wiping my eyes.
He got up and took my hand in his. It felt hot; he was on fire. My fist was still clenched up in a ball and when he unfurled it, I saw I was still holding onto Mrs. Lee’s pepper spray. We both stared at it for a long while. “We have to get rid of that,” he said.
I knew he was thinking it was evidence. I’d seen enough crime movies to know they always got you with the evidence. But that’s not what I was thinking about.
“I killed her.”
“Hey.” He lifted my chin until my eyes met his. They didn’t appear so green surrounded by all that red. In fact, one of them was brown now.
He was wearing colored contacts, and one had fallen out.
“You didn’t kill nobody,” he said. “We don’t even know that she’s dead.”
“I saw her eyes. They were staring at me.”
“When you get knocked sideways, your eyes do crazy shit. She was unconscious. We don’t know she’s dead. And second of all, Tyreese hit her. You think that little punk can take someone out?”
I remembered the moment. “She hit her head. I heard a crack when she hit the ground. There was blood. A lot of blood.”
“The head bleeds a lot, even from a little cut—”
“No.” I pushed his hand away. “He hit her because of me, because she was fighting me off.”
“He was trying to save you. You were just doing what you thought was right.”
“No!” I hissed. “Why are you doing this? I wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for you. And I know somebody had to have seen us—”
“Nobody saw us.”
“Joe did. He knows it was you. You don’t think he’s going to the cops?”
Kalvin got up and started pacing. “He won’t remember. They never saw us coming. Shit, we should’ve taken their money, then the cops would think it’s a mugging.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I told you. I told you it would be bad—I TOLD YOU!” I was shouting now, hitting him in the chest.
He hushed me up. “Keep it down. You don’t wanna wake your mom, do you? What’s she gonna think when she finds out...”
I stopped listening. I saw myself in jail, my mom broken down by it all. When someone dies, you can’t keep it secret, can you?
His phone went off. It was Prince.
“Where the fuck are you guys?” Kalvin hissed. “What do you mean you’re at my house? Get the fuck out of there! Go somewhere else fer fuck’s sake! I don’t care. Go visit your cousin on the east side. Just don’t be seen!”
Kalvin listened for a minute, getting more and more frustrated. “You tell that little shit to forget about turning himself in,” he hissed. “Just keep the little dude contained till I get there. I’ll come tonight. Promise me, you won’t let him outta your sight.”
I could hear Prince babbling on, freaked out. “Fuck, you think his parents are gonna notice he ain’t home for dinner? You think they give a shit? Just lock it down and we’ll take it from there. We’ll find out by tonight what the cops know.”
He hung up and stared at his phone. “Fucking Tokers.”
“Maybe if you hadn’t pushed them so hard, they wouldn’t feel they had to prove themselves to you so much. You’re just like your dad....”
I knew as soon as I said that he wouldn’t like the comparison. His face darkened, his muscles tensed—
“Erica?” Mom. “Do you have someone in there?” she asked.
I glanced at Kalvin. He cussed to himself, stuck his hands into his pockets to cover his bruises. He knew he had to check himself. Quick.
She knocked on the door. “Erica?”
She tried to open it, but it was locked. I shrugged at Kalvin and went over to unlock it.
She saw my face and my red eyes, and knew immediately I was upset, despite my attempts to smile. But her expression completely changed when she pushed the door open wider and found Kalvin standing by the window.
I could read her face: Black man. Disheveled. Alone with her daughter.
“Mom, this is Kalvin. He goes to my school. He had some bad news this morning and was pretty upset. He was just telling me about it. I’m sorry if we woke you up.”
I knew the more I talked, the less she would think. Kalvin was already distraught, so it didn’t take much convincing. “I’m sorry if I got worked up. It’s just . . . it’s just . . .” He wiped his eyes, which might’ve been a bit much, but then I saw that . . . he was actually crying?
My mom’s face softened. She was recalculating. But something about Kalvin changed. Maybe everything was catching up to him and he was starting to break. I struggled myself not to start crying again.
Mom sighed. She was too tired to get into it. “Kalvin, I’m sorry if you’re having a hard time. You can stay . . . for now. But the door stays open.”
She glared at me with that look that said we are going to have a talk later.
“That’s OK,” said Kalvin, clearing his throat. “Maybe I should go.”
I said no; Mom said ok.
Kalvin smiled a little. “I’ll text you.”
Now I had to make sure to erase all his texts in case she wanted to check up on me. “OK, we’ll talk later.”
He stuck his hands into the pockets of his hoodie as he passed Mom. She did not approve of him.
“Your daughter’s a good person,” he said without looking back. “She’s someone you can trust.”
We watched him go. Mom didn’t have to say anything. She was doing the slow burn on me, but I just burned back.
“He’s a friend is all.”
She nodded. “Maybe a little more than a friend?”
“No. Not anymore.” I meant it.
She walked over to the window and waited until he left the building. “I don’t trust him.”
Neither did I.
“He doesn’t tell the truth,” she said.
I didn’t argue. “Mom . . .” I saw I had blood on my shoe. I looked a mess, my shirt ripped, my knee scuffed up. What was she thinking?
I wanted to tell her everything. But the whole story seemed so crazy when I tried to put it into words. Where would I start? How could she accept me after what I’d done?
She watched me arguing with myself. Her face became twisted. “You’re not . . . pregnant, are you?”
Oh my God. “No! Why would you even think that?”
Then I had the horrible thought: What if I was? He hadn’t used a condom. I’d have his baby in prison? I buried that thought deep inside me where I wouldn’t have to think about it. I couldn’t, not with everything else to deal with.
Mom acted relieved, but certain there was something else. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been screwed over too many times by men, I guess.”
I knew the feeling. “Things are a bit . . . complicated right now,” I said. “I can’t even begin to tell you. But one thing is for sure: I’m done with this camera. I’m done filming—”
I dug around in my pockets for my camera like I was just going to throw it out the window or something. It wasn’t there. I did a quick scan of the room, my mind traveling back to the last time I saw it.
And suddenly, I was back in the alley, shooting the attack when Mrs. Lee stopped in her tracks and pointed the pepper spray at me.
That’s when I dropped the camera.
29
As soon as I hit the sidewalk, I saw there were more of those Eyez papered on the trees up and down the block. I ripped them off as I passed. I didn’t want anyone watching me now.
I knew I’d need help on this and there was only one person to help me.
Destiny lived in the worst block in Tower Grove South. Even though I was used to hanging out with K
alvin and the crew, I began to notice I was the only white person here. And without TKO around, I started feeling out of place and a bit nervous.
So I put on my game face, hid under my hoodie, and kept walking. The streets were wet from the rain but it had let up, so people were out and about.
“Wussup, girl? You lost?” Some dudes with their pants hanging around their butts were giving me a hard time. I ignored them.
“Come on, girl. Wha’cho got for me? How ’bout a taste?”
“Man, check out that hair! Mmm, girl, you ghettofabulous!”
They started to follow me. I had no time for this shit. I stopped in my tracks and spun around. “Listen, fuckheads. You want some of this? The only way that’s happening tonight is if you jack off in bed, dicks!”
They stared at me in shock—then burst out laughing. “Did you just call us ‘dicks’?” one of them said. “Oh, damn, she called us dicks!” They circled around me. “We ain’t dicks, honey. But we got some if you want. . . .”
He got real close. I could feel his breath on me.
“Come on, bitch. You came down here for something, am I right?”
I was about to crack him in the face. Then I saw Destiny standing behind them.
Thank God. “Destiny.”
The boys stopped and turned toward her. They knew each other.
She popped her gum and folded her arms. “Don’t mind me. My TV’s broke, so I got nothing to watch.”
What? She was going to play me now?
“I was coming to see you,” I said as the boys turned back to me.
“So? Now you seen me.” She turned and started walking away.
There was a moment when I thought, they’ll find my body and then she’ll feel bad she hadn’t said something. Maybe I deserved it, but—
I stared down the wolf pack. That wasn’t going to happen today. “Fuck ... OFF,” I told them, slowly and deadly. I meant it too. And in that moment where they didn’t know what to think, I just walked right through them and followed Destiny to her house.