by Eva Luxe
Being a father was nothing I’d ever thought about until now as anything other than a big “Hell no!” I knew other guys from the team who had kids with strippers and escorts, one-night stands, and it never worked out. They were always miserable, or worse, ended up paying half their salary to some broad they never even liked to begin with.
So how could I be so stupid!?
I could have sworn Janelle was different. But I can’t get ahead of myself here. She hasn’t told me he’s mine yet. He might not be! And even if he is, she hasn’t asked me for money and I doubt she will. So maybe this is all a big mistake. Maybe he’s not mine, or maybe he is and she doesn’t want me in his life because she thinks I’m a huge asshole.
Which I can understand, but it’s not the truth. If that boy is my son, I will be there for him in every way imaginable, and I’ll never run out on him, no matter how old he is. I want to be there for Janelle too, if she’ll let me, whether or not the boy is mine.
I just need to prove to her that I’m a good guy. I need to talk to her. When she hears the whole story she’ll understand.
I decide to take a left and go to Janelle’s house. But when I pull up, I can see the lights are already off, so I just leave the keys in the mailbox instead and get back in the car.
It’s not what I want to do though. There’s nothing I want more than to kick open that door, grab Janelle and take her into my arms and tell her how I feel about her, how every day I’ve been away has been torture and how badly I’ve missed her. But now is not the time.
Right now I have to get to my dad’s house and get my mind right. If we’re going to talk soon, I have to be prepared. She’s going to be pissed at me for sure, but we need to talk.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll talk to her. I’ll make her understand.
Chapter 12
Janelle
I can’t sleep.
Lying in bed, all I can think about is Chris.
What am I supposed to do?
He’s back in town. But why now? What took him so fucking long to get back to me? Did he just think I’d be here waiting for him whenever he felt ready to come back? What if I’d found someone else in the meantime?
But the truth is, I’ve been actively not looking for anyone in the last two years. The magic that happened between us was real, I know that. But then why did he have to go and spoil it!?
The pleasure I felt that day was equal to nothing I’ve ever felt in my life and was matched only by the pain I felt the next morning when I woke up alone. I never want to feel that again.
But his touch…
That’s something I’ve been craving for the last two years.
I can still remember his scent, and smelling it again in the car with him was almost too much to handle. It was all I could do to hold myself back. All the sensations and feelings came flooding back to me as I sat there beside him. I wanted to cry out for him to stop the car and pull over. I wanted to jump on him. I wanted to scream at him to not listen to me and just take me right there.
But I didn’t.
I sat there like a stubborn little girl until he brought me home.
But that was the right thing to do!
I can’t let a man treat me like that – with no respect – like a piece of meat. I’m more than that, and I thought he knew it.
But then why is he back? Why would he come to see me if I’m just another one of his girls? I mean, I guess it could be because I was just that good in bed – but who am I kidding? Chris did most of the work anyway, and I’m sure once you’ve had as many women as he must have had, you don’t go back two years later to one just because you liked the sex. You go find yourself twenty new ones to replace her.
So what does it all mean? If he really liked me, why would it take him two years? I’ve seen him on TV playing football. He hasn’t been injured. He hasn’t been overseas or something. So why not come and see me if he actually likes me?
This is all too hard to comprehend. Trying to understand a man’s mind is like trying to understand the laws of Quantum physics, whatever the Hell those are. I know when a man is drunk. I know when a man wants to get some, and I know when a man wants you to get lost. But other than that, I have to say the opposite sex is a complete enigma, and Chris Mitchell is the greatest of them all.
Isn’t this always the way of it? You get hit on by all the horrible guys in the world; the loud ones, the rude ones, the disgusting ones – all of the ones but the one you want to hit on you. And then when he does, if he does, he turns out to be an asshole after all.
But does that change anything about how I feel about Chris? No. I can’t help my feelings. Even if he has treated me like garbage, I want him more than anything in the world. I want him to come to me with a real explanation – one that I can understand that makes sense. I’d accept that. I’d introduce him to his son and everything would be good.
Right?
It’s all too much to think about. I roll over and crack the window at the head of my bed. I can smell the gentle rain on the wind and the cool breeze on my face is soothing. I take several deep breaths and try to calm my heart.
It’s so hard to love someone who doesn’t love you back. It’s so hard not to be able to control your own feelings.
The only thing I can control here is whether or not I tell Chris about Max, and right now the answer to that is no.
A man like Chris is not fit to be a father. It’s better Max never know him than to have him coming in and out of his life as he pleases, showing up with apology gifts every few months, giving him unwanted or unneeded advice. I can do a better job with Max as a single mom than I can with an absentee father.
Unless Chris is able to prove to me that he’s not the man I think he is, he’ll never know his son.
Chapter 13
Chris
I’m exhausted as I turn down Maple Lane, a dirt road on the edge of town heading off into the woods.
I didn’t sleep a wink last night. Janelle was racing through my mind and there was nothing I could do about it. There still isn’t. But right now I have things to do. I have to go see this house my father left me, and that’s where I’m headed right now.
The road may be dirt, but it’s in relatively good condition.
Why can’t it be sunny out?!
I tried to fall asleep to the sound of the rain last night. It always helped when I was a boy. I loved sleeping next to an open window and listening to the sound of the wind and the rain, sipping the cool air through my nose before drifting off to sleep. But last night that didn’t happen.
That damn Janelle!
I’ve never had a girl twist me up like this so bad. I wanted to grab her last night and ravage her. It was almost impossible to keep my hands off her.
Finally, the road opens up onto the property and gives me something to take my mind off her. I almost can’t believe it when I see it.
The house is beautiful. It’s not enormous, but I already knew it wouldn’t be. It’s set in the middle of a field that desperately needs mowing, and there’s even a large oak tree with a tire swing beside a small red barn.
It’s rustic, but there’s something charming about it.
My father’s house…and now it’s mine.
I know why he bought it. He wanted me to have an “insurance policy” just in case that football thing didn’t work out. It was hard sometimes keeping my eye on the prize with that level of skepticism from pops, but being a little older now I can understand.
You want what’s best for your kids, and just seeing that boy at Janelle’s house has got me twisted. What if he is mine? What then? It seems Janelle has her mind made up about me, but if he’s my boy I want to provide for him, and this house would be a great place to raise a child.
My party house on the other side of town wouldn’t do. Too many crazy chicks and bros know the address. They’d have no respect for my privacy or my family. But this place? This could work out well.
I can picture living here with J
anelle and my son – if he is my son. I can just tell by the way she was with him that she’s a good mother. Women like that are hard to find. Women like Janelle are hard to find. Finding another girl like her…well now that would be impossible.
I park the car in front of the barn and hop out to get a better look at the place. It really is amazing. There’s just something peaceful about the place. You can’t hear any of the sounds of town out here, and we’re so far out that there aren’t going to be any cars, and even then there’s the private driveway to get out here. It’s like its own little world out here.
I walk across the front yard up to the steps of the porch. It’s not a wrap-around but it’s roomy. Pulling the keys from my pocket, I open the front door and step inside.
Somehow, the place instantly feels like home to me. I was expecting to feel like a stranger in a foreign country, but even with the lights off, the dust and the smell of a house that really needs to be aired out, something about the place just feels right.
I go through the house and turn all the lights on. Some of the bulbs work, some don’t. The house opens into a staircase leading to the second floor. On the right a living room and a smaller sitting room to the left. A kitchen straight down the hall and a small dining room beside it.
There’s a bedroom on the back right corner of the first floor that overlooks the enormous backyard before it reaches the shadows of the trees beyond, and upstairs three more bedrooms and a bathroom.
My mind runs away with me as I start to picture Janelle and myself living here. I can’t even believe I’m thinking things like this about a girl I’ve been with once and haven’t seen in two years, but you can’t control things like that, can you?
My father may have been a distant man, but it’s times like this that I really appreciate him and how he cared for me. To leave something like this for me…
I don’t know why it took me so long to come here. I dealt with the estate, the realtors, the bank and all that, but I just couldn’t bring myself down here. It was just too much. It’s like touching a piece of my father that I never was able to touch when he was alive.
I can feel myself getting emotional and my mind instantly goes to Janelle and all the things I wanted to say to her. She must be working tonight. I’m going to go by and see her. I’m going to apologize and tell her how I feel about her. There’s no telling how she’s going to react. But if I keep going on like this much longer I’m going to explode.
I have to tell her.
*
I pull up to the diner and realize I don’t even know what I’m going to do or say, but instead of sitting there and debating forever, I just get out and march right up to the front door. My heart’s pounding as I step inside and look around.
I don’t see her, but that doesn’t mean she’s not here. I’m so fired up I walk straight for the door to the kitchen. But before I can reach it, it swings open and Janelle’s friend Carla, her arms full of plates, comes barging out.
“Excuse me, honey,” she says quickly, as though I was any other customer. But as she passes me, she gives me a double take. “Oh, shit! Chris! Gimme a second, okay!?”
“All right,” I grumble, eyeing the door swinging open to the kitchen to see if Janelle’s there. She’s probably not. I’m pissed, but I can feel myself starting to calm down now that I know she’s probably not here and it doesn’t matter that I have no idea what I was going to say to her anyway.
“You lookin’ for Janelle?” Carla says from behind me. I turn around and see her smiling at me with a shit-eating grin. It must be obvious how nervous I am, and I can tell she loves it.
“Yeah, she working tonight?”
“Nah, she’s got the evening off. At home with her boy.”
Her boy.
There it is again. That doubt – that suggestion that maybe I have a son. I push the thought out of my mind.
“All right, thanks,” I say, turning away. If Janelle’s not here, I don’t need to be here. If she’s at home, then that’s where I’m going.
“Gonna go talk to her?” Carla asks, stopping me in my tracks. I turn around to face her. What’s this chick want?
“I mean…yeah,” I mutter, ready to be out of here.
“She likes ya,” Carla smiles. “But you did her dirty, boy.”
My mouth opens, but I can’t find the words to speak. I mean – she’s not wrong, but I don’t know how to explain things to her. I wasn’t even sure what I was gonna say to Janelle let alone Carla who I’ve never said more than two words to.
“Hope you’ve got some apology ready,” Carla adds. She must be able to see I’m feeling vulnerable right now.
“Yeah,” I say. “Something like that.”
Enough is enough. It’s time to go. I turn around and shove the door open with my foot and step outside. As I walk to my car, I start going over things I could say to Janelle. None of them really seem right. But I have to say something. I have to try. All I can hope is that she understands and forgives me.
Chapter 14
Janelle
A bath.
That’s just what mommy needed. I called Beth and had her take Max. She lives at home with her parents and they love him, so she was totally willing to take him off my hands for a few hours.
So now, here I am, lying in the bath, trying to do anything but think of Chris. And it’s not working. Every time I try to get my mind on something else, it goes back to him.
I wish he’d never come back. The last two years have been long, but I’d managed to get my mind off of him and accept the fact that he just wasn’t coming back and I’d never see him again. Maybe if I’d known he was going to be in town I could have prepared myself, but for him to just walk back into my life like that…I wasn’t ready.
And now I don’t know what to do. Those feelings I tried to ignore just came roaring back to the surface and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t push them back down.
And now I’m thinking even more about it and suddenly I don’t want to be in the tub any more.
This is maddening!
I got everything ready. I had my bath bomb, my weird scented oil thing that made everything smell like lavender and peppermint, my cup of chamomile tea and a good book. But every time I try to read, I get about five words in and lose focus.
Finally, I come to a realization: I need to talk to Chris.
Like it or not, something needs to be said. I can’t just sit here wondering, waiting, with this big huge question mark hanging over our…relationship. If you could even call it that. There are just too many things that need answers and I know if we don’t actually clear the air, I’m never going to be able to relax.
Frustrated, I kick the drain to empty the tub and stand up. My towel is hanging on the hook by the sink. I grab it and do a quick dry off and wrap it around my body. I step out of the tub and bring my tea into the kitchen and set it by the sink.
But how do I find him?
I could drive over to his house, but what if he’s throwing a party and has all kinds of…bitches and skanks there? I don’t want to see that. But then again, if that’s the kind of guy he is, it’s better to know that now than later.
I’ll get dressed and drive over there, and if he’s not there, I’ll wait. Beth will keep Max overnight if she doesn’t hear from me, and Max loves her so it won’t be a problem. She’s basically his aunt at this point – an aunt that I pay.
It’s time to get dressed and get in the car. I head down the hall toward my bedroom when something happens that freezes me in my steps. A knock at the front door.
It can’t be!
It must be Beth for some reason. Maybe Max fell down and hurt himself or just isn’t feeling well and wanted to come home. Maybe he’s being a brat and Beth wants some help with him. But I doubt it.
If Max hurt his knee she’d clean him up and call me and let me know that everything was fine. And unless Max was throwing up, she knows how to take care of him when he’s not feeling top notch.
Or she’d call me and ask me if I wanted her to bring him over. She wouldn’t just show up out of the blue.
Carla is working. My mom’s at home and would call first. Everyone would call first. Everyone but…
My blood pressure jumps as my heartbeat rises. I feel like a stunned prey animal and I don’t know whether to run into the bedroom and hide, or race to the front door and tear it open. It has to be Chris. There’s just no one else it could be. So how do I handle this?
Another knock. Louder this time.
He knows I’m here. My car’s in the driveway, it’s the evening and my lights are on. And why wouldn’t I want to see him? Two seconds ago I was ready to get in the car and drive over to his house to talk to him. So why am I freaking out right now?
I just wasn’t expecting this! I needed time. Time to get dressed, get ready, prepare myself…but now here he is at my front door!
“Janelle.” I hear his voice from outside and my heart almost stops. He knows I’m here. I can’t read the tone in his voice though. Is he mad? Upset? Sad? It could be anything! What does he want!?
Fine. There’s nothing left to do. So what if I’m in a towel? I walk to the front door, unlock it and pull it open.
And there he is. Chris Mitchell. And he looks more gorgeous than ever. How is that possible? Does he somehow get better looking every time I see him?
He stares at me. I stare back. Our eyes are locked to each other and I realize we’re both in the same situation; neither of us knows what to say! But I’m captivated by him. Helpless. Seeing him is like being put under a spell. I don’t know what to do, but I can tell by the way he’s looking at me what’s going to happen next.
With an almost frightening speed, Chris lunges toward me and grabs me with both hands on either side of my face. He pulls my lips to his and kisses me with such an intensity that I can feel the tension of the last two years pour out between us. I hear the door slam behind him as he kicks it shut.
He pushes his tongue hungrily into my mouth and I kiss him back like nothing could be more right in the world. His hands are rough and strong and I can feel there’s no way he’s letting me go. He pulls me close and I can already feel his arousal in his pants.