Guilt gripped me by the throat. Aly stared at me with outright hurt from across the room. Tension filled up the space between us, slowing time. Every scenario seemed to flip through the green of her eyes, every worry and distrust she’d ever harbored for me clawing to the forefront of her thoughts.
I saw it.
Fucking felt it.
Less than half an hour ago, we’d been joking around about the asshole kid, the whole interaction swollen with this innocent playfulness as I got territorial on my girl. No one could blame me.
But Aly sure as fuck could blame me for this.
Because this wasn’t innocent, that much was obvious. I’d had this girl every which way to Sunday and back again, and here she was, rubbing up on my dick, asking for another round.
Green eyes watched me with some kind of unknown misery and outright disappointment.
But there was no anger.
Just fucking sadness and it broke me a little more, reminded me of the piece of shit I was and why I would never be good enough for her. I hadn’t been back but twenty-four hours, and here was my past, already showing up to haunt me.
Motherfucker.
Fiona set her hand on Aly’s shoulder, her mouth moving close to her ear. They were too far away for me to hear what was said, but I could tell she was asking if she was okay.
I knew she wasn’t.
“You should go,” I said in a low threat toward Lily, because I wasn’t giving her an option.
Christopher’s eyes bored into the side of my face, silently urging me to do something as he tried to inconspicuously gesture at Aly with his chin, like I wasn’t already well aware of the fact that my girl was standing there watching this go down.
Aly was fucking trembling.
Goddamn, it was almost like I could feel it, her heart thud and her mind spin, even across the distance of the room. Like all of this hurt was rushing from her and slamming into me. As much as she was trying to hold it in, to rein in her reaction, witnessing Lily all over me was too much for this innocent girl to deal with.
Lily splayed her hand across my chest. “What do you say you let me change your mind.”
Shame belted me just as hard as the anger. I grabbed her wrist and flung it off me. My attention fastened on Aly and I seethed out the hardened words, “Stay the fuck away from me, Lily. I’m not going to tell you again.”
Like she’d finally caught on, she tossed her chin over her shoulder, searching out where my eyes were trained on the center of my world.
The world that was threatening to crash around me.
I wasn’t about to let that happen.
Lily turned back to me, shaking her head. She cocked her chin in an attempt to be cute and coy. “Well, it looks like you already had your good time all lined up for the night. Don’t mind me.”
Then she stepped back, bowed out, and crossed the room. She made sure to knock her shoulder into Aly’s when she pushed passed.
Harshly, I shook my head. Stupid bitch.
Aly cringed, and I was staring at her, silently begging her to realize that girl didn’t matter.
Fiona took Aly’s hand, tugged it, prying her away from the spot where she’d been glued to the floor. Aly shuffled forward, her eyes bouncing all over the room, anywhere but my face, unwilling to look at me as Fiona dumped her at my side and took up her spot at Cash’s.
She fidgeted, looked to the floor.
Fuck, I couldn’t stand this, Aly hurting, thinking whatever goddamned thoughts she had running through that sweet head of hers. I had to get her out of there. Explain. Let her know there was no reason for her to be shaking and falling apart because there wasn’t a chance in this godforsaken world I could even consider being with someone else than her.
Like I’d ever trip and fall into that trap.
I nudged her chin with my index finger and whispered, “Come on, baby, let’s get out of here.”
She shrank back. The space she put between us was minimal. Still it was completely unbearable. Profound. She glanced up at me with a forced smile, the edges of that gorgeous mouth trembling. “It’s okay. Finish your game.”
Was she kidding me?
She was not fucking okay.
Frustrated, I grabbed my stick and sank the eight-ball when there were still seven others on the table, throwing the game. I tossed my cue stick on the top of the table. Wood clattered against the remaining balls. “There, game over.”
I shot a pointed stare at Christopher. We’re out of here.
He tipped his head toward the entryway to let me know it was cool and he’d find his own way home.
FIVE
Jared
I grabbed her hand and towed her outside.
Cold air pelted us, the night deep. Dull lights seeped across the lot, and Aly sucked in a breath as she withdrew her shaking hand from mine. She fumbled through that huge-ass purse for her keys, distracting herself, doing her best to pretend that everything was okay.
She clicked the fob. The running lights flashed. I stood at the passenger door and watched her walk around the front of the car. She climbed inside and started the ignition.
Fear constricted my chest. This was the first time I’d seen Aly this way, pushing me away instead of begging me closer. Exhaling a heavy breath from my lungs, I finally unlatched the door and sat down in the seat.
Silently, Aly put her car in reverse, backed out, and pulled out onto the street.
The ride home was short and still the fucking longest of my life. Aly didn’t say a word, just kneaded at the steering wheel, while her chest rose and fell in spastic quakes. Like she was struggling. Struggling not to cry. Unspoken words strained between us, fighting for release. But the truth was, I didn’t know what the fuck to say because I didn’t know what Aly wanted to hear.
She parked and got out, and I followed her upstairs.
Inside, the apartment was dark. Empty. Cold.
Aly dumped her purse to the floor and went straight for her room. I swallowed hard as I trailed her, three steps behind. I stopped in the doorway. She flipped on the small lamp on her dressing table. Dull light climbed up the wall, spread out in a subdued glow across the ceiling.
She kept her back to me and hugged herself across her middle.
I fidgeted, shifting uneasily on my feet. Aly was just so goddamned beautiful, it caused me physical pain to look at her. It was an ache that started in the center of my chest and spread out to saturate the deepest places in my body. It throbbed in that hidden place that’d been made for her, the one she filled up when I had no idea that was really where she was supposed to be.
Pressure built up in the stifled air.
Suffocating.
I wanted to reach for her, break through it.
I fucking hated it. Hated hurting her.
I took a step inside and locked the door behind me. Hesitation stilled me before I finally found my voice and whispered, “Aly… baby…”
Crossing to the middle of the room, I stretched out my hand with the intention of touching her, comforting her, but Aly whirled around, stumbling back.
Wetness streaked down her cheeks and glistened in her eyes, that gorgeous face a mess of tears. My gut twisted into the tightest knot.
She blinked rapidly, fighting some kind of internal war. She fisted her hands, clutched them like a shield at her chest. “Did you fuck her? When you were with me?” The words were chopped and broken.
They cut through me like a jagged knife, bleeding me dry. “What?” was all I could gasp.
Disbelief shook my head, and I wet my lips as I roughed a hand down the back of my neck, dropped it to my side, and took one anguished step forward. “Goddamn it, Aly… you really think I’d be with her when I was with you?” I asked, incredulous, my head pitched to the side. “You think you weren’t the only fucking thing I could think about, night and day?”
More tears slipped free, and Aly blanched as she gasped for air, hit by another wave of pain. “I don’t know!” It came
out as a tormented cry. She held her fists closer, tighter, her voice cracking as it lowered. “I don’t know, Jared, and that scares me. I feel like I know you better than anyone else in this world and there’s still a huge part of you I don’t know at all.” The words tumbled out in an agonized confession.
Emotion slammed me, shame and guilt and the fucking insane amount of love I had for this girl.
Aly’s eyes went wide when I rushed in and gripped her by both sides of the head. Waves of soft hair were all bunched up between my fingers, her smell and her sweet and her heart washing over me in a breaking wave. I forced her to look at me, my hold intense. Desperate. Just as desperate as the admission that flooded from my mouth. “I will never lie to you, Aly. And, yeah, I fucked her.”
A sob tore up Aly’s throat, and she thrashed, struggling to break away.
But I was not letting her go.
My fingers dug into the back of her head, my thumbs on her soaked cheeks. “It was before I ever stepped through your bedroom door. The first week I was here.”
A sharp breath wheezed down Aly’s throat, and she wrapped her hands around my wrists, like she didn’t know if she wanted to push me away or pull me closer.
I made the decision for her, tugging her close enough her nose was touching mine. “Even then… even then… I felt fucking guilty because somewhere inside me, I already knew I belonged to you.”
Aly whimpered and dug her fingers into the skin of my wrists. She winced, the words rough with her own insecurities. “I can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else. Not knowing who you were with or what you did while you were gone these last three months. It kills me, Jared… kills me to think of what you were doing while I was here worrying about you. When you came back, I tried to pretend like it didn’t matter, that it was in the past. But seeing you with that girl… it hurt.”
My fingers twisted in the mass of her hair. Shame sliced through my consciousness, flashes of the dirty hotel room in Vegas where I’d wasted away, where I’d begged for death to come. Where I’d missed and hurt and gave in to the demons that would forever plague my mind.
“You want to know what I did while I was gone, Aly? Fine.” I squeezed her tighter, lifted her higher as I forced her to look at me, to see me, to see the part she was scared she didn’t know. The part I didn’t want her to see because it was the part she should be scared of. The side that harbored the foul, where the vile held my soul captive.
“I fucking filled my body with everything and anything I could find to cover up the ache that was left without you in my life. I started using again, Aly. Day after day, night after night, I tried to drown out the memory of you. Then I almost got myself killed. I should have died out there on that deserted road when I crashed my bike. But somehow there was still something keeping me chained to this world. Last night I found out what that was. It was you. It’s always been you.”
I cupped her face. My whisper intensified as I stared down at the fervent green eyes begging up at me. “I never touched anyone while I was gone. No one. I couldn’t. Not after you.” I brushed her tears away and shook my head. “No one.”
With my words, Aly snapped. She gripped me by the back of the head and dragged my mouth to hers. She made a desperate play to bring me closer, pressing the length of her body to mine as she tore at my shirt. Her kiss came urgent, like she was dying and I was the only one who could save her.
Heat surged into the confines of her room, drowning us in need.
I wrapped her in my arms and lifted her off her feet as I kissed her hard, welcoming the warmth of her tongue as it slipped along mine. I staggered forward. Aly’s back hit the wall next to her window with a low thud.
“Jared.” It was a plea. Persistent fingers dug into my shoulders, raked down my back, gripping at my neck as she did everything she could to bring me closer.
Between our frantic kisses, I mumbled at her mouth, “Aly, baby, I’m so sorry… so sorry… I never wanted you to witness something like you did tonight. I hate that it hurt you. You… it’s you.” I repeated her words from months ago, when she promised she belonged to me.
The night I took her.
The night I took it all.
It scared the hell out of me that the same promise now bled so easily from me.
But I knew it was always going to be her.
That I belonged to her, heart and soul.
Because I only existed in her.
Aly yielded to my kiss, gave me all of her while I devoured the good and the girl. Blood thundered through my veins, my pulse pounding so hard I couldn’t see. Nerves rushed as an unfound need crashed through me, and tripped my sanity.
She set me on fire, lit me up. Every inch of my body tightened. I was fucking hard, straining.
God, I wanted inside her.
To bury myself in beauty.
To get lost there.
Forever.
My hands found her waist and I crushed her against me so she would make no mistake of just how fucking badly I wanted her. So she’d know exactly what she did to me.
Aly moaned.
I kissed her deeper. Her weight was pinned to the wall with my hips. I ran my hands up her sides, over the soft fabric veiling the perfection beneath. I dragged them up her arms, grasped her hands, pinned them over her head.
Aly writhed, rocked against me, and wrapped those long legs around my waist.
Fuck.
How was it possible one girl could feel so good?
“You.” The word was hard. Rough. My spirit’s demand.
She slipped down my body and settled on her feet, her hands frantic as she ran them under my shirt. Her hot palms flattened on my stomach. My muscles jerked and ticked, twitching in anticipation. Her hands were all smooth and soft as she dragged my shirt up. Still, they burned, leaving a trail of fire in their wake.
I took one step back and leaned down, and Aly ripped my shirt over my head.
For a second, we stood there, staring, our breaths heaved into the thick air. My gaze traveled down the glorious curves of her body, rushing over the softness of her sweater, the slim black jeans that had me itching to get inside them, and down to the heels that just about left me undone.
Then she crashed back into me in the same moment I crashed into her. I pressed her into the wall, like I could consume her.
She whimpered, clutched my shoulders. She dipped down and covered the dying rose in the center of my chest with her mouth and her love and all the fucking belief in me I’d never deserve. The blunt edges of her nails raked over her eyes that stared out from behind the wilted petals.
“You,” rumbled out in a slow breath from my mouth as she touched her mark.
The one who’d given me something to believe in, the one who discovered something in me that had been buried for so many years.
The blameless one amid all my sins.
“You,” she whispered back at my skin. She scorched me with her touch, her palms sliding up and over my ribs; then she changed course, splaying her fingers wide as she slipped them down my sides. With trembling hands, Aly yanked at my fly and ripped the buttons open with one firm jerk.
Need thundered through my veins, burned as it sped, stoked the need for this girl that was never going to let me go.
“Ugh… Aly…” I fisted my hands in her hair as she kissed a trail across my chest. Her mouth was wet, hot as it blazed a path down my stomach.
Aly dropped to her knees, dragging my jeans and underwear down my thighs as she went.
Air punched from my lungs and I gripped her tighter. “Oh shit,” I wheezed. My cock sprung free, fucking begging for this girl who was on her knees, staring up at me.
Trust and fear collided on her face, merged into this tentative hope.
She took me in her hand.
I jerked. Pleasure rocked down the back of my thighs.
Slowly, she stroked me as the severity of her gaze kept me pinned. Her expression left her exposed, vulnerable. A thousand insecuriti
es played out in the depths of her green eyes, worries and fears and needs. Like this was some kind of surrender.
Or maybe acceptance.
I hissed when she took me in her mouth. “Oh… shit… Aly.”
That sweet mouth felt so fucking good, it nearly brought me to my knees.
I gripped her head, fucking straining as she took me whole.
Come to Me Softly Page 9