Fidgeting, I raked my free hand though my hair as I clung to Aly’s with the other. I searched for something to say to cover up this fucking insufferable stillness that had taken over the room.
But no one said anything. They were just staring, wide-eyed and in shock. Both of them. That stagnant air suddenly dropped, strangling us like a fucking noose as Aly and I tried to breathe around all this bullshit and judgment.
Then that silence came crashing down.
Dave shot to his feet and threw his plate across the room. China shattered as it hit the far wall. It rained down, and pieces scattered across the tile floor.
Aly cringed, her shoulders coming up. She turned her face toward me, ducking from her father’s reaction.
Karen Moore started to quietly cry.
I rocked in my chair, that warning system blaring in my ear, screaming at me to get my shit and go.
Motherfucker.
And Aly was just sitting there, tears streaming down her face.
All I wanted to do was grab her, wrap her up in my arms, and get the hell out of there.
Fight or flight.
I was really fucking good at both of them.
But fighting with her dad seemed like a really bad idea.
And I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.
Dave pressed his hands into the table as he glared at me. “How dare you come here… into my house… after you did this? I told you years ago you weren’t welcome here, and here you sit with that smug look on your face.”
Aggression stirred, simmered in that place where hostility and anger always seethed and smoldered inside of me. Unstoppable, my hands curled into fists. Adrenaline pumped like fire through my veins, the malice from within my blackened soul spurring me forward, urgent as it begged for release.
I couldn’t stop it, couldn’t control it, and I pushed to my feet. My jaw clenched, the sound of my teeth grating in my ears as I tried to contain it, hold it back.
Because this was Aly’s dad who was staring me down, getting all up in my face. I knew he was just trying to protect his daughter from what he saw as a threat.
The same threat I’d been trying to protect her from for all those months I was hiding away in her apartment.
And was that threat any less real now?
I gripped the back of my head, doing all I could to try to calm myself, to hold in the rage that built and spread.
The thing that pissed me off the most was there was no self-satisfaction, nothing smug about what was playing out on my face. Yeah, there was pride, but that pride was all wrapped up in this amazing girl who’d shaken my world.
I tried to get control of my thoughts, to put them into words, because Dave Moore thought he had me pegged. “You have no clue how I feel about this… how I feel about Aly.”
Disbelieving laughter rocked from him. “Do you think I care about how you feel? What I care about is my daughter.”
Aly pushed up to my side. “I’m not a little girl, Dad… You know that. And I know you’re disappointed, but this is what I want.”
“This is what you want?” he spat at her. “You want to ruin your life? Have you even thought this through? You’ve worked so hard, getting accepted into nursing school, and now you’re going to settle for this?”
Aly recoiled, leaning back as if she needed to put space between them. “You think I’m settling?” Sadness flooded her admission. “I never even wanted to be a nurse… tell me when you ever heard me dreaming of that, Dad? When? Deciding to go to nursing school was settling. Do you even know anything about me?”
Remorse flashed across his face and mixed with the anger. “Of course I know you.”
Aly’s voice trembled. “You obviously know very little about me if you think a child is going to ruin my life.”
“I’m not worried about you wasting your life having a child, Aly. I’m worried about you wasting your life with him. He destroyed his family. Don’t let him destroy yours, too.”
The words speared me, the sharpest possible knife driven straight into my soul, splitting me wide.
Pain seized my heart.
I destroy everything I touch.
Voices and faces and memories pressed in too close, clouding my mind. Bitterness roiled. I stumbled back.
Aly gasped. “Oh my God. Jared.”
I pushed around the table, all this fucked-up world too much for me to take.
Aly scrambled over the chairs, trying to get to me, her face all pleading and filled with the fear I knew she harbored inside, the one that told her one day I would leave.
“Jared,” she whispered.
Karen stared wide-eyed at me, sadness swimming in her eyes, while Dave glared at me like the piece of shit I was.
“Just need some air,” I forced out because I couldn’t walk out of this house with Aly thinking I was walking out on her.
Rapidly Aly blinked, stepping away, giving me space.
Because this girl knew me.
I rushed out of the house and into the night. Cold air clashed against my heated cheeks, and I gripped my hair in my fists.
“Fuck!” I roared.
I stalked up the sidewalk, struggling to draw a breath into my constricted lungs, trying to forget the words that had just been spoken inside.
Because in them, I knew the truth. I knew what Dave Moore saw because I saw it in myself.
I froze when I lifted my head and caught sight of the little house that harbored so many memories.
Images of her face beat against my consciousness. Conflict ate me alive, tearing me down and at the same time building me up.
I hated it, knowing how those walls once held her presence, how she’d lived and breathed in them, filled them with laughter and joy and the warmth of her love.
Tonight darkness blanketed the face of the little house. It screamed of emptiness, of a hollowed-out vacancy that could never be filled.
I hated it, knowing I’d destroyed it.
Hated knowing I’d destroyed her.
That I’d destroyed beauty.
And now again I held beauty in my hands, and I didn’t know how I was supposed to handle it. How did I protect something so fragile. What if I broke her?
But I knew in my gut that walking away from Aly would break her.
As if I ever could, even if I tried.
Because there was no walking away from her.
Not now.
Not ever.
EIGHT
November 1995
“Jared, where are you?” Christopher bellowed from down the hall.
Jared ran on his toes through the small family room of his house, keeping his footsteps light. No way was he gonna let Christopher find him.
He slipped into the kitchen. Steam spilled from the pots on the stove, and the smell of heaven filled his nose.
His stomach growled, but his mom, Helene, told him it was still going to be a couple of hours before they ate. She’d offered him a snack, but he wasn’t going to waste any room because he was saving it all up for pumpkin pie. It was his favorite, especially when his mom let him put on his own whipped cream.
He tried not to make any noise when he maneuvered around the butcher block island that sat right in the middle of the kitchen.
Both his mom and Karen stood around it, talking and laughing while they chopped and prepared, just like they always did. Jared’s mom’s belly was big and round, like a ball. It looked so funny, but his baby sister was in there. He was getting her for Christmas, at least that’s what his mom told him, but he wasn’t so sure that’s what he really wanted.
“No fair, Jared!” Jared heard Christopher shout from somewhere in the living room over the roaring noise of the football game their dads were watching on the television. “I’ve been looking forever. It’s your turn to hide.”
Jared snickered. Christopher had it comin’. He was always cheating and Jared was determined he was gonna win this time.
Listening to Christopher’s footsteps approach, Jared got
onto his hands and knees and scrambled to the other side of the island. He hid in the long sway of his mother’s skirt.
Christopher burst into the kitchen. “You seen Jared in here?” he asked. Jared peered through the baskets and bags piled under the island. Red sneakers peeked out from just the other side. Christopher shifted his feet.
“Nope… he must have disappeared,” Karen teased. Jared held in his laughter when Christopher turned away and opened the pantry door, sticking his head inside. “You in here, Jared?”
Jared’s mom sneaked him a playful glance before she looked back at Christopher. “Well, I bet he’s around here somewhere. You’re just going to have to keep looking,” she encouraged, her face all soft and caring.
Jared’s belly felt warm as he rested against her leg.
He loved the smell of the turkey in the oven, but he loved the way his mom smelled best.
Soft fingers fluttered in his hair, and Jared leaned into them. His mom was the best person in the world. He was sure of it.
Christopher took off through the archway, running toward the back of the house.
“Whatcha doin’?” The little voice beside him made Jared jump. He fumbled back and met the wide eyes of the tiny girl crouched beside him. Her face was all round, her cheeks as chubby as her little fingers. He should tell her to shoo, to get away before she gave him away and her brother found him, but Jared liked her best, too.
He lifted his index finger to his pursed lips, pushed out a low, “Shh. I’m hiding from your brother.”
Her green eyes grew round with delight as she caught on to the game. Aly grinned, showing off her tiny teeth. “I wanna play with you, Jed.”
She always said his name wrong too, but that didn’t make him mad, either. She was only three, and all her words came out funny.
Softly he wound her hand in his. “Okay, but you have to be super quiet.”
She nodded vigorously, stringy locks of dark hair flying.
Jared got to his feet and tugged at her hand. “Come on, Aly Cat.”
Aly giggled, scrambling to keep up with him as he led her by the hand.
And Jared liked the way it sounded, like the softest song, just like his mom sang to him at night.
NINE
Aleena
I watched in horror as Jared escaped out of my parents’ house. Every part of me wanted to run after him, but I knew he needed his space. He needed time to process what had just occurred.
The door slammed behind him.
A charged silence took over the room.
Slowly, I turned back to my parents. Trembling, my mom climbed to her feet. I knew she’d been shocked into silence, her own disappointment and worry so clear. But above it all, I could feel her compassion. Her worry for Jared was just as thick as mine.
I took a single step toward my dad, who still stood there glowering over the table. Although maybe it was he who now appeared smug, like he was satisfied with the outcome.
I was so angry I wanted to pound it off of his face.
“How could you?” I whispered, taking another step toward him. “How could you say something like that?”
“Aly…” My name was uttered like a harsh appeal, like he was trying to get through to me, to make me see.
But it was my father who was blind.
“I just want what’s best for you. Don’t you know that? That’s all I’ve ever wanted it.” It was said as if it could excuse him from what he’d just done, from the pain he’d inflicted.
I glanced away, at the floor, wetting my lips before I forced myself to look back at him. “I can’t believe you could be so cruel.” Disappointment rushed from me in the quiet accusation.
He flinched.
I stumbled over the emotion in my throat, feeling those tears I couldn’t hold in earlier resurfacing. Because I knew they’d be disappointed, that they’d envisioned a different path for my life, and I could accept that. But I wouldn’t stand for him treating Jared this way.
“Maybe I let you down, Dad, and you can be angry over that. I get it.” I placed my hand on my stomach. “I didn’t expect this, either, and there were some nights when I didn’t know how I would handle this all. But this is what I want. Jared is what I want. I love him. He is a good man, and what you just said to him… I don’t think you have any clue how much you hurt him.”
“Aly, that kid has never cared about anyone but himself.”
I pounded my fist at my side, every cell in my body straining for control. “You are so wrong.”
“What happens when you find out I’m right?”
I backed away, unable to grasp my father’s reaction, the spite that bled from his mouth.
“Aly,” he begged, starting around the table, “sweetheart, I’m just protecting my family.”
Putting my hand out in front of me to stop him, I swallowed hard. “And I’m just protecting mine.”
Unwilling to stand in his presence any longer, I turned and headed for the door.
In the hall, footsteps clamored behind me. “Aly, wait.” Tears coated my mother’s plea as she jerked at my arm.
I spun around.
When she pulled me into her arms, I burst into tears. I couldn’t hold them in any longer because I was so angry and so sad. What had been said couldn’t be taken back, and those were the exact words that Jared definitely did not need to hear.
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” she murmured at my head.
“I can’t believe he’d do that… say something like that,” I mumbled into the fabric of her shirt.
Gently, she ran an errant lock of my hair between two fingers, her voice low and sincere. “He just loves you… he doesn’t know how to see anything else.”
The conversation blinked through my mind, the hardened expression he’d worn so pronounced on his face. “That doesn’t make it okay.”
“No, it definitely does not. But I know your father very well and all of that came from fear.”
I struggled to force down all the resentment and see that, because I knew it was the truth.
But I also knew it didn’t make it right.
She edged back, holding me by the upper arms as she explored my face. “Are you okay?”
She was asking about so much more than the outburst that just played out in the dining room.
I blinked through my blurry vision. “Yeah, I think I am.”
Tumult tripped across her features, played in her eyes. “God, Aly, when you were here last week, I knew you were hurting so badly, but I had no idea how much you were dealing with. How could I not have known?”
“Mom, you can’t blame yourself for any of this.” Remorse coursed through the words that scraped from my throat.
Compassionate brown eyes searched me, and a jolt of shame worked its way through me because my mother had never been anything but supportive. “I should have told you… I should have told you a lot of things. I kept my feelings for Jared a secret my entire life, and there was no reason for me to continue doing it. I just didn’t know how to tell you… especially when I was still trying to figure out how I was going to manage all of this by myself. It wasn’t because I was ashamed or because I didn’t trust you with knowing about it, it was because I didn’t have any answers. I didn’t know how I was going to do this alone.”
“Sweetheart…” Her brow pinched in emphasis. “… you don’t ever need all the answers to talk to me… or to live your life, for that matter. A whole lot of it we have to figure out along the way. But no matter what, I am always here for you. I don’t want you to ever think I’m not here for you or that I would ever judge you.”
A wistful smile arched her mouth. “Probably should have mentioned that a little earlier in your life, huh?”
“Mom…” Regret shook my head. “I’ve always known that. None of us knew how to handle Jared… how to handle what happened.”
A knot traveled up Mom’s throat as she swallowed, and she inclined her head, her eyes narrowing as if she were trying to see insi
de me. “Are you happy, Aly? Really happy? Is this really what you want? You want to start a family with him?”
“Yes.” I said it without hesitation because it was the truth. “I’ve loved him my whole life, Mom. And no, we haven’t worked out all the details.” There were so many things we needed to decide, to figure out because so much had changed in such a short time. In my mom’s tone, I heard so many of those questions, how would I continue with school, would we get married, how would we manage? There were so many things I wanted, to call Jared my husband, to be a normal family with him. But I knew he needed time and needed to adjust to this new life.
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