“The school thing… I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have told you a long time ago it wasn’t really what I wanted. I’ve always wanted to draw, and I thought it was impossible. But Jared showed me it wasn’t.” In one of my classes with a mentor, I’d been working on drawing families, working on photographs, images that captured emotion in time. That was exactly what I wanted, the direction I wanted to go, to pour myself into faces of families, making them come alive in an image that would become a family treasure. “But you know this isn’t really about what I want to do for a living, Dad. This is about me being with Jared.”
Looking down, he shifted. “And I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I’m not still scared for you, because I am. You’re my daughter. Of course all I want is the best for you. But I also accept how unfair I’ve been to Jared.”
He dipped his head, shook it in remorse. “He was always a good kid. Super smart, but kind, too. Then after what happened with his mom, a switch was flipped inside him. A destructive trigger there was no stopping. None of us could get through to him. Even though I cared about him, I was much more terrified he would lead Christopher down the same road. I was relieved when they sent him away. I kept a lot of guilt for a lot of years for feeling that way.”
A flash of regret hit me. Yeah, I’d hidden Jared. For many years. Maybe I should have given my dad some sort of warning. But the truth was, I’d kept Jared a secret for this very reason, because of the way my father had treated Jared during that time. Within our house, he’d made Jared’s name a dirty word. Nothing but taboo.
My father’s chest trembled with the admission. “It was wrong, and I knew it. But when you showed up with him at Thanksgiving dinner and I saw the way you two were looking at each other, it took five seconds for that same fear to take hold of me again. All I could think was this guy was going to hurt my baby girl. Then when you announced you were pregnant, it flipped my own switch. I lost it. I couldn’t control how angry I was at him. At you,” he emphasized. “Even at your mother. I knew she had to know something was going on between the two of you and she’d never once let on. I felt like a fool… like a lesser part of the family. Like I’d been shunned from all the important pieces of my daughter’s life.”
He scrubbed his hands over his face. When he looked back at me, his green eyes were pleading. “I regret that reaction so much, Aly. I handled it about the worst way I could. And again, I was laying all the blame on Jared. All of my reactions have always been controlled by my own fears and insecurities. Feeling threatened by the things I can’t control. It’s a personal flaw I’ve had to deal with all my life. I know it. All I can do is ask you to forgive me for it.”
My lids dropped closed as I absorbed my father’s admission. Slowly, I opened them. “Dad, I don’t blame you for being disappointed or worried.” The words cracked over the sob stuck in my throat. “I completely get it. But I don’t think you understand the kind of guilt Jared carries over his mother. If you did, you could never have said those words to him. It’s not me who you owe an apology to.” Lines creased my brows and my head tilted in supplication. “You owe one to Jared.”
My father blew a breath toward the sky and spoke toward the night. “I already gave him one, Aly.”
Confusion took me aback. “What?”
My dad heaved a sigh. “I texted him this afternoon and asked him to meet me when he got off work. I figured I needed to ask him for forgiveness before I could ask you for it.”
A torrent of relief swept through me. I realized how burdened I’d felt by this dispute with my dad. I hated it. Hated that he thought badly of the single most important person in my life, hated that distrust had wedged a separation between us.
I felt the distance collapse.
With a step forward, I narrowed the gap between us. “Thank you.” It tripped from my mouth, fast and hard.
In surrender, he pulled his thumbs back from his jeans in a conceding shrug. “I was wrong. I can admit when I am.” His green eyes flashed in the porch light. “It doesn’t mean I’m not worried about you. I talked with Jared for a long time this afternoon. And you already said it all. I don’t understand the kind of guilt Jared carries over his mother. At all. I can’t fathom that grief. And I honestly don’t know him anymore. But I’m betting you do, and that guilt was pretty glaring when I talked to him. That’s a lot of baggage to deal with, Aly.” It slid from him as a warning.
I bristled, but I forced my tongue silent.
A gust of wind rushed in, pressing along the desert floor. I hugged myself against the sudden cold. Dead leaves whipped up from beneath the barren tree that protected my home, beat and stirred.
I lifted my chin for him to continue, trying to ignore the swell of defensiveness I felt at his admonition. As if he wasn’t saying anything I didn’t know. As if I didn’t know the risk. As if Jared wasn’t worth every bit of it.
He lifted his hand in a telling gesture to the house behind me.
To my sanctuary. My home. Somehow I felt as if I was standing in guard of it. Defending what Jared had built for us with his bare hands inside.
My father’s tone shifted, laced with remorse. “It was also pretty glaring that he loves you, Aly. I can’t question that or his intentions with you anymore. I believe him when he says he’s doing everything he can to make this work and he’d do anything to protect you.” He chuckled a little, though it seemed completely lacking in humor. In discomfort, he scratched at his jaw. “Apparently Jared and I have something in common, after all.”
His voice lowered, although his expression hardened. He pinned me with the intensity of it. He ground his teeth. “I just have to know you’re happy. Really happy. That this is truly what you want and you’re not doing it because you think it’s the right thing to do.”
I clutched both my hands to my chest. I just wanted to find a way to make my father understand. But I realized that was impossible. Because what I felt for Jared went beyond understanding, deeper than the rational. I explained myself the best way I knew how. “Dad…”
My voice quavered. “I love him so much. With all my heart. I always have,” I admitted quietly. “I would do anything… give up anything to be with him.” Tenderly, my hand slanted over my belly. “And this baby… I love it more than anything in this world.” As much as Jared. But different. In a capacity I couldn’t quite grasp. “Never in my life have I been happier than I am now.”
Sadness swirled through the depths of my father’s eyes before acceptance took hold. “That’s all I really needed to know.” He chanced a tentative step forward. And for the first time in months, my dad hugged me. “I’m sorry, Aly. Please tell me you’ll forgive me for the way I’ve treated you.”
“How could I not?” I whispered into the collar of his shirt, clutching him to me. All my resentment floated away. In its place, I just felt grateful. The only thing I’d ever wanted was for my family to be whole.
Jared missing from it had left such a stark void. And he completed me in ways no one else could.
Now, with my father coming back to me, everything would finally be perfect.
Pulling away, I wiped the wetness from under my eyes. “Would you like to come inside?”
Slowly, my father gave me one resolute nod. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
I fumbled with the latch and opened the door.
Mom, Aug, and Christopher lingered around the island in the kitchen, catching up. Out of the corner of her eye, Mom cast me a knowing glance.
She’d been telling me everything would turn out okay.
And she’d been right.
Without missing a beat, she turned back to Christopher, who was filling her in on his classes, the last he’d have before he graduated in May.
As I stepped inside, Jared rounded the corner from the short hall that led to our room. His hair was all wet, deepened a shade, his clothes fresh. He hadn’t taken the time to shave the coarse layer of stubble coating his jaw.
Need turned me inside out.
God, it didn’t matter when or how many times I found him this way. It was always the same. He struck me with a bolt of energy, somewhere deep inside, in that place I’d always kept for him.
When he caught sight of us, he came to a full stop. His eyes were soft as he traced over my face, softer when they met with my eyes. A flash of doubt sparked in them when they hit my father, before he lifted his chin in acceptance.
The two were calling a truce.
Biting my lip as an uncontained thankfulness flared, I rushed to Jared. I squeezed him around his middle, whispered too low for anyone else to hear, “You didn’t tell me.”
A soft breath left him, and he brushed his full lips across my forehead, over my closed eyes, to my ear. “Whatever you and your dad talked about tonight needed to be said between the two of you… without me getting in the middle of it. I never wanted to get in the way of your family, Aly, to put pressure on it. I’m just glad he’s here and you both can forgive the bad blood I brewed between you two.”
My father’s presence weighed heavily behind me. Like he was an unwilling partner to the embrace Jared and I shared.
As I held Jared closer, a frantic murmur of truth expelled from my mouth. “You are my family.”
Relief hit him hard. Palpably. His heart beat erratically, and I held on tighter. Jared shed his own truth at the tick of a pulse throbbing at my temple. “You’re the only thing I have.”
Pride simmered through my consciousness as Jared showed my father around our house. He was so knowledgeable. So capable. Even still, I could feel the flickers of tension coming from him. His movements were subtly uneasy. Of course I noticed it. He was on edge. As if he felt he was always being studied, judged. Not only by others, but by his own self-contempt. It didn’t mean his pride didn’t tug at one side of his perfect mouth when my father complimented him, or that he didn’t go into detail about the kitchen, how much work it had been, and how happy he was with the result. Of course he’d played up my part in it, as if I’d had any bearing on the outcome of that impressive room.
When the oven buzzer chimed, my family gathered together at our little dining table. A couple extra chairs were squeezed in to make it suitable for six. I scoffed when they all went on about the meal, touting that it was one of the best they’d ever had. It clearly was not.
But it didn’t stop the affection that buzzed in the air.
I couldn’t contain my smile.
Christopher was no-holds-barred tonight, rambling on in constant entertainment, as if this moment was his ultimate calling.
Jared razzed him, and Aug laughed too loud, smacking Jared on the back. My mother played along with amused tenderness while my father settled into the fray, content to observe us all with a quiet calm.
It felt so good. Amazing.
Bliss shivered along my skin. I hugged myself, wishing I could hold on to this feeling forever.
Jared squeezed my leg under the table, like he innately knew what I was experiencing, his head cocked as he smiled over at me.
My heart fluttered haphazardly in the confines of my chest. It was warmth. It was joy.
I loved him.
I smiled back at him, my hand stretching out to embrace one side of his face.
God, I loved this man with all my life.
And I would never stop.
SEVENTEEN
Jared
I stood off to one end of the couch, a step behind it. On the fringe of the family room, like maybe I was the outsider. Which made no fucking sense since this was my house, but all of Aly’s family had descended on it and I didn’t quite know what to do with myself.
I lifted the half-empty bottle of beer to my mouth. Cold liquid slid down my throat. Swallowing, I sighed and let my gaze wander over my girl. She sat on the hearth beside her Mom, in the garden, as she liked to call it. An indulgent snort escaped my nose. How fucking cute was that?
I’d build this girl a thousand gardens if she wanted me to.
My attention drifted around the dimly lit room. Dave Moore sat in the overstuffed chair under the window. Christopher and Aug had made themselves at home, all sprawled out on the couch with their feet propped up on the coffee table, facing Aly and her mom. In the fireplace behind them, flames crackled and jumped, igniting the warmth on the walls.
I still couldn’t believe the way the house had turned out. Pride gave a firm tug at my spirit. Every square inch of it was perfect. Because it was perfect for Aly.
God, she looked like she was made to be sitting there on the smooth, flat stones. Dark hair twisted up in a messy pile on top of her head, pieces falling down to frame her face.
All of this I’d done for her.
She kept laughing, loud and carefree, listening to her brothers tell stories. That throaty lilt of her voice twisted through me like a summer breeze. Both she and her mom kept calling them out on their bullshit, reining in their tales that were stampeding out of control.
Another roar of laughter died down, and Karen sighed, sipping from a mug of hot tea Aly had made her. Her eyes traced the room I’d just been appreciating. She locked her gaze on me. “You have done such an amazing job with this place, Jared. I hardly recognize it since the last time I was here.”
A shock of self-conscious gratification stunned me. It unsettled me. My entire adult life had been spent fighting against anything inside myself that hinted at good. All these desolate days offered as penance while my soul sought destruction – my identity given to the dead.
“Thank you.” I had to force it out. Shame twisted through me on a gale-force wind – flashes of my mother’s face, what I had done. They all clashed in a violent fury against the love I’d found in this life, in the light that was Aly.
My hand tightened on my bottle, just as tight as my chest.
God, all I wanted was the light. To stand in it. Bask in it.
Awareness gathered on Aly’s features. She was so in tune with me. She cocked her head.
Are you okay?
She was the only one who understood. The only one who got me, as much of a fucking nightmare as I was, my moods manic, surging from one extreme to the other.
They’d been worse lately. Brewing. I could feel it. Like my demons were staging an assault, staking their claim. With each night, they dug their fingers deeper, spindly tendrils taking hold.
I wasn’t fool enough to pretend like I didn’t know why.
The first month back in Phoenix, I dove headfirst into making a life for me and Aly and our baby because I’d had the intense urge to build. To create something good in the chaos that ruled my heart and mind.
If I could just have one goddamned thing in this world that I did right, it’d be me doing right by Aly and our kid.
But it was like as soon as the year flipped, so did I.
I watched the calendar crawl, speed, and blur, dreading for the day to come and begging for it to pass.
All I had to do was get past it.
On its own accord, my hand fisted. The ink on my skin flexed as it burned, the imprint promising me I would never forget.
2006.
In a week and a half, seven years would have passed since the day I stamped out the good, since she’d sucked my soul into the nothingness where she’d forever beg in the bowels of my brain, where she cried out for atonement in the night.
But my spirit had rebelled against those chains. Now I somehow felt as if I was living in the light in the day and running from the darkness at night. Suspended somewhere in between. Fighting as hard as I could for what my heart wanted while my wicked feet took me down those same haunted roads.
But I refused to walk them.
Not a fucking chance.
I just needed to make it through that day and I would be okay.
Out of the corner of her eye, Aly continued to watch me. Worry crested her forehead, her eyes landing on mine almost hesitantly.
I swallowed hard, pushed all of that shit back down where it belonged. A reassuring smile pul
led at the side of my mouth, my head tipping with it, letting her know it was all going to be fine.
With a frown, she wavered, before she let her own smile whisper at her mouth. This smile was meant only for me. Her own reassurance. That dose of encouragement that kept me going every fucking day.
Because I was living for this girl.
Slowly, Karen climbed to her feet, standing to take in the warmth of the fire. She seemed to rock as she let her attention pass over the few pictures Aly had added to the mantel. There was a family picture of theirs, all five of them smiling at the camera in a staged cheesy pose. In another, Christopher had his arm slung around Aly’s shoulders when she was all dressed up in her cap and gown to graduate high school. She was already beautiful then, all her childhood days behind her and a woman taking hold.
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