I pressed my hand over my heart, as if it could somehow hold it together.
But my knees went weak and I buckled.
Body and soul.
I backed into the wall to catch myself from falling. Clutching my stomach with one hand, I pressed the other over my mouth and tried to hold myself up in this world that had finally beaten us down.
Jared.
Outside, his bike rumbled to life, roared to a thunder as he took it to the street.
Regret and anger and loss spiraled through me.
What did I do?
What did he do?
Oh my God.
It hurt. God, it hurt, and I wanted to take it back. I wanted to chase him and beg him not to leave even when I knew voicing it would be the biggest mistake I’d ever made.
Worse than the one I made when I cornered him, shoving the past he’d been running from in front his face without any warning.
Guilt throbbed deep, tangling with the overwhelming fear that I might truly lose this man.
I’d wanted him to know I searched for and found his father because I loved him, not because I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know I looked and pried because he deserved to get back that piece of his life that was stolen from him that fateful day.
But I should have done it all differently. Handled it with the care he deserved. Gave heed to this fragile situation that I knew could so easily crack and shatter into a million pieces.
Despair clogged my throat as I looked around the room.
Shattered.
All of it.
This gorgeous house that had been created by his hand brought down by the same.
This heart that loved him through every frantic beat.
The faith he’d had in me.
But what else could I do?
I’d been backed into my own corner.
Because it was true. I couldn’t live this way. Waiting for the next explosion to be set off.
After what happened tonight with Gabe, I’d sat alone in our room, fisting the scrap of paper in my hand, coming to terms with what I had to do.
I knew I had to give it to him.
It was time. I couldn’t keep ignoring the way he suffered. Night after night, I watched Jared splintering, frantic and lost when he’d wake me from sleep. Like he was begging me for help but didn’t know how to ask for it.
Finding his family was the only way I knew how to help him.
The address wasn’t given as a manipulation, not as a way to coerce this man who I knew loved me with all of his tortured life into doing what I wanted. All I’d ever wanted was for him to heal, for him to find a way to forgive himself for what he’d done, for him to finally come to terms with the mistake that had stolen so many years of his life.
The same mistake still robbing him of his freedom now.
Never would I dangle that hope I held for him over his head.
But I’d felt this coming. A storm brewing in the distance, a steady buildup of destructive energy, a force that could not be contained.
Tonight was the culmination of it all.
I just never expected how vicious it would be.
Sorrow squeezed my spirit. Part of me felt as if I had failed him. I’d let him go when I promised to always stand by his side.
But his reaction here in the living room? The madness that had taken him over with the mention of his father’s name?
Even with how much I loved him, I refused to be partner to that kind of life, to raise my child in a house where violence reigned, madness triggered by words that evoked his fear.
In his parting expression, I knew Jared would never want us to live that way. He’d rather remove himself than subject the ones he loved to his rage.
My heart had to believe he didn’t want to live that way, either.
He just didn’t know how.
Drawing in a ragged breath, I crossed the room. I climbed to my knees, careful to dodge the shards of broken glass, nails, and splintered wood, and I began to clear away the mess that had been simmering for weeks.
My body ached, for him, for myself.
Tonight, I’d stumbled into the fray, too slow to get out of the way while I’d begged him to stop. My voice never had a chance at penetrating the rage that had taken over his heart and mind.
He’d lost control, and while I knew Jared would never willingly put me in danger, I wasn’t sure he knew how to stop or fully grasped how dangerous the anger he harbored inside really was.
But I did.
I had to be strong and fight for our family when he didn’t have the strength to do it himself.
Even if that meant letting him go.
The thought terrified me. Jared out there on his own. Alone. It broke me because all I wanted was for him to be here. Safe and protected from the ruin. Away from everything calling him back into destruction.
Sifting through the rubble, I brushed away the glass from the picture of us when we were kids. My heart swelled. I loved him. So much.
There was never any chance of letting him go, no breaking free of the bond we’d forever share. I couldn’t live without him any more than he could live without me.
I fumbled over a gasping sob.
I needed him.
And I prayed, breathed the belief I always had in him into the night. Whispered his name. Begged him to find a path that would lead him back to me.
The front door opened and Christopher froze when he stepped inside. His face fell. “Oh, Aly, come here, sweetheart.”
TWENTY-TWO
Jared
Sunlight blazed from the barren blue sky. Too bright. Blinding. Air heaved in and out of my lungs, jagged and coarse. A growl rumbled at the base of my throat. I hated every fucking miserable second of the day.
I lifted the handle high above my head and brought the shovel down with all the strength I could muster. Metal clanked when it met with the hard, ungiving ground. Still, I fought with it as if I could overtake it. Like I could find a modicum of control when I’d lost all sense of direction. My teeth ground in my ears as I lifted the shovel and slammed it down again and again.
I barely made a dent.
The muscles in my arms flexed and bowed, burning with exertion. The sins forever etched into my skin mocked me, the color stretched taut with the bristle of my flesh. Sweat gathered on my neck and trickled down my spine. It soaked through my dingy white T-shirt and clung to my overheated skin.
Only in Phoenix could I sweat my ass off at the beginning of February.
Or maybe I was just burning up from the inside out.
Incinerating.
Soon all that would be left would be ashes.
But that’s what happens when you play with fire.
Thinking I could live a normal life. Give Aly and our baby one.
Harshly, I shook my head, hating myself a little bit more. Just fucking stupidity and greed. That’s all it was. I knew I didn’t get to have that kind of life, yet I’d taken it anyway.
Grunting, I rammed the shovel into the dirt, feeling myself coming unhinged.
Ripping apart.
Gasping, I stopped my assault on the ground, propped the shovel up, and leaned up against the handle. I dropped my head and tried to catch my failing breath. I lifted the bottom of my shirt to my face, attempting to wipe away the sweat and grime, to blot out all the misery that chased me into the exhausted days.
A wave of dizziness hit me, and I squeezed my eyes.
Damn it.
Three days.
Three days of nothing but torture. Three days of unending regret.
God, I missed her. I missed her so fucking bad I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t think.
My gut told me to split, to hop on my bike and put as much distance between me and this insufferable place as possible. I couldn’t be here, feeling her everywhere. Knowing I was only minutes away from what I wanted most. It was the worst kind of anguish. I felt like I’d been pierced. Crucified.
But my spi
rit kept me rooted here.
How could I just leave?
My pregnant girl was sleeping alone. I knew in my heart she was scared. I knew even deeper that she was missing me just as much as I was missing her. And even if I was too fucked-up to be welcome in her space, that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to take care of her. Provide for her. Be there to protect her when she needed me.
I wasn’t going anywhere.
My hands shook with an old urge, that gnawing impulse that clipped through my nerves, the desire to slip into a moment’s oblivion. To dull and distort.
Because God, this fucking hurt.
I pressed my face deeper into my shirt.
But those urges had nothing on how badly I wanted Aly.
“You doing okay there?”
I dropped my shirt and jerked my head up. Kenny, my boss, stood in front of me, squinting at me through the rays of light.
“Yep. Perfect.” I faked a smile.
He frowned at the nonexistent hole I’d been pounding out for the last hour. “Doesn’t look like you’re making much headway over here.” His brow lifted in question, calling me out on my shit. Things were obviously not perfect. “Why don’t you check on your crew… we can get one of the Bobcats over here to dig that hole because I’m pretty sure that shovel’s not going to cut it.”
Kenny rarely checked up on me. He trusted me with my crew, sought me out for advice, put me on tough jobs he knew I’d find a way through.
It was like the guy could read me, see exactly what I was capable of.
Apparently it didn’t take all that much for him to pick up on when I was unraveling, too.
I tossed the shovel to the ground. “Yeah, that’d be good.”
I began to turn when he set his hand on my shoulder to stop me. “Hey, if you need anything, you know you don’t have to hesitate to ask? If something’s eating at you, just say it.”
“Nah, man,” I said, shucking my gloves. “It’s nothing you can change. I’ve just got to deal with some shit right now.”
Internally I scoffed. Deal with? How the fuck was I dealing with this? That was the problem. I wasn’t dealing. Not at fucking all. I was just wallowing because I didn’t know how to fix this.
I wouldn’t go back, not when all I would do would be to end up hurting her.
Not for a second did I blame her for cutting me loose. After what I’d done, I wouldn’t have stayed. Aly deserved so much more than that, that perfect girl who loved and gave and fucking believed in me when I was nothing but a monster lurking in the shadows.
And I hated the monster in me.
The part that was vicious and vile. The part I couldn’t control, no matter how desperately I wanted to.
But the truth was, I was a little bit pissed at her, too. Her betrayal throbbed, cut me straight to the core.
I wanted to claw my eyes out because that little piece of yellow paper with the address on it was all I could see. It’d been ingrained deep in the recesses of my mind, seared into my memory, glaring and clear.
Like Aly’d managed to set the man I ruined right in front of me.
Another reminder of what I’d done. Another life I’d destroyed. Another heart I’d broken.
He’d loved her, and I’d stolen his world.
He’d loved my mom the way I loved Aly. I knew it. And the thought of losing Aly that way. Nausea turned my stomach and I squeezed my eyes against the thought. I couldn’t even imagine.
Now I could feel his eyes watching me, judging me like he’d done the night I’d stolen the Ramirezes’ car, when I’d had the intention of ending it all but instead Aly had been there, saving me from my own destruction. He’d stood over me in that hospital bed after I’d been arrested, staring down at me with condemnation and outright hate.
I’d never hated myself more than in that moment, when he’d looked down on me like the piece of shit I knew I was.
Then he turned his back and walked away.
Somewhere inside me I’d harbored the idea that one day he’d try to find me. The fucked-up thing was that for a long time I’d longed for it. I’d just needed to hear him say he forgave me.
But never once had I heard a word. Not a sign of life from him.
Because I knew I’d stolen his too.
Kenny squeezed my shoulder, his expression genuine. “Just… if you need something, say it, okay?”
I swallowed hard. “No, I’m good, I don’t need anything.”
Biggest lie ever. I needed Aly.
He frowned and turned to walk away.
In the distance, a pickup truck approached, the roar of the engine cut above the high whine of power tools. I glanced over my shoulder to catch the dust flying as it barreled onto the work site. Edging off the dirt road, it came to a sudden stop on the other side of the barricades.
Christopher was here.
A blink of fear flashed through my entire being.
Aly.
I fisted my hand in my hair. My mind rapid-fired, flitting through every possibility. Ones where Aly was hurt and I wasn’t there for her when I was supposed to be.
Then I caught sight of Christopher’s face when he jumped from the cab. He slammed the door shut behind him. Fury ignited his path as he flew around the front of the truck and made a beeline for me. Black hair stuck up every fucking which way, and he was wearing tattered jeans and a wrinkled printed tee.
There was nothing casual in his posture.
He was pissed. Fucking livid.
Aggression radiated from him, sucking all the oxygen from the air. He kicked up dirt as he tore across the lot. Nearing, he only picked up speed. He didn’t slow when he launched himself at me. He rammed me in the chest before he reached for my shirt and fisted it in his enraged hands. He shoved me back. His face contorted with some emotion I’d never seen him wear before. “You fucking idiot,” he seethed.
I stumbled. My work boots skidded over the rocky ground. I popped back up, catching my footing. I shook myself off and spread my arms wide in invitation. My mouth pinched up in a sneer, just fucking begging him for it. For him to give me all he had because my body ached to take it, to feel the pain of what I’d inflicted.
I was never one to deny what I deserved.
Hostility vibrated through his bones. My oldest friend bounced on the balls of his feet, visibly shaking with disgust. He pointed at me. “You promised me. You fucking promised me you weren’t going anywhere.”
Guilt squeezed my lungs. I’d been spewing that shit for so long, making promises I should have known I couldn’t keep, I’d convinced myself into believing they were the truth.
But that was the problem. I wanted them to be.
“You think I left because I wanted to?” I shot back. “I left because that’s what your sister wants.”
And because it was best for her.
He scoffed. “You think this is what my sister really wants? For you to take off again? She’s fucking miserable without you, Jared. Worried sick. She wants you home. But what she doesn’t want is some loose cannon who’ll lose his shit at the drop of a dime and tear his house apart.”
Shame beat at my heart and pulsed through my veins. Agitated, I shifted on my feet and roughed a hand over the top of my head. That rock tightened in my throat. “But I am that guy. What happened Saturday night was just proof of it. I’m no good for her, Christopher. You and I both know that.”
“Huh,” he huffed, like he was completely confused. Ridicule flashed in his eye. “Funny how for months you’ve been working your ass off to prove you were good enough for her.”
Our conversation from New Year’s Eve echoed in my ear.
“Guess you were right,” I whispered through a pained breath. “It made me dangerous.”
“Don’t go twisting my words, Jared. You know that’s not what I said.”
“Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”
Christopher’s eyes made a pass over the job site. I could feel my crew behind me. All of them were on edge, at the read
y to have my back. “So where’ve you been hiding your pathetic ass while my sister sits at home terrified you’re going to jump off the deep end?” he asked, all blunt and like he had the right to know.
I gestured to one of my guys who’d taken up my right side, about ten feet away. A friend, I guessed, the only other person I knew to call when I found my ass without a place to sleep. Not that I’d been doing any of that. “Crashing on Kurt’s couch. Sound familiar?” It came with a sneer.
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