No! For the first time in her life, Karra realized that she had never willingly been the person the beast had designed for her. I reject you and everything you offer! she shouted at it. I reject you! Go away! Leave me!
You have no authority, the beast countered. You cannot dismiss me. You belong to me!
I belong to me, never you! You are the one without authority. Go!
Su’s song floated through her mind briefly.
You never reject those who truly seek you, O Maker of All;
Your child can run and slide and fall,
But none can slip so far away
that they fall beyond your call.
Maybe the song was true. Maybe not even she could be so cold and hard and ugly that a Maker, if one existed, would be willing to keep her from sliding down the path the beast had formed for her. If Su’s song told the truth, maybe, although she couldn’t understand why, a Maker might also care so much for a creature such as herself to reach out for her. Karra had nothing else to cling to. Her life was all lies. Her source of strength was an illusion who would see her destroyed before it let her go.
If you have any authority over the beast, she told Su’s Maker, feeling silly even as she did so, please use your authority against that beast!
But she took no time to see if her wish worked. Terrified that the beast would claim her for its own, she tried to keep running, but her feet tangled under her. Karra steadied herself against a wall, gasping for air.
I refuse to let you go, the beast told her, its voice nearly on top of her.
She let out a cry of despair, pushed herself away from the building, and lurched forward. Although she slowed, Karra refused to stop. You will never have any place in my life again. Ever.
The beast cursed at her again, its verbiage cruel and vulgar. It described in detail what it intended to do to her should she ever stop running. It would crush her. It would violate her over and over again. She would wish her encounter with the King had left her in death’s clutches. It would turn her very thoughts against her, and she would spend her days locked up in prison, insane from the beast’s attacks.
But each barrage came from further and further away, and it was as if a door opened in her mind. She realized a truth: the power to make the beast leave her had always been hers.
Resist it, she thought she heard, but the voice was not Laren’s. The beast has no authority over you.
Gradi?
Yes, K’arrala. Resist it, and it will flee from you.
Go! she shouted to the beast. With renewed energy, she pushed with all her internal might against the entity that wanted to control her. I will serve you no longer!
I split you in two, remember? the beast countered.
Even though the beast had stopped its verbal assault and a bit of distance separated them, Karra clearly heard the seductive voice of the beast.
Did you never wonder what I meant? Do you not realize that Laren could depend upon Karra to feel nothing when it was necessary, just as Karra was permitted moments of forbidden love. Did it never occur to you what would happen if I allowed you to feel Laren’s full agony of betrayal? You cannot run from yourself! You wanted to taste Laren’s Nevian, didn’t you? So feel it. Feel what she feels. Know this: Del has thrown you away, child of mine. Feel all of it, what it means to love, be loved, and then be rejected. BE UNITED!
The two identities slammed together. Karra no longer felt empty. She felt whole, but she also felt strange, as if she were neither Karra nor Laren, but a stranger that was neither one, yet both of them.
Then she felt Laren’s agony, and like a knife through her heart, felt the tearing pain of separation. She felt, rather than heard, Laren’s cry. Why did you throw me away, Del? Why did you push me out of your life, shouting at me in sounds so full of anger? What did I do to make you hate me so?
Karra realized she shared the emotion, she who never felt another’s pain, she who had always avoided attachments, she who had never shared her heart with anyone except Chalatta, shared the most terrible moment with Laren. No, she was Laren, no longer Karra, and she could not break away. The awful weight of it caused her to stumble again.
I will protect you, the beast cooed. Just like I did when you were a child.
The childhood memory nearly brought her to her knees. Once again she watched the rifle bullets rip the life from her father. A tear glistened at the corner of his eye.
Daddy!
And Laren, who had never known parents, reeled with Karra’s loss.
But I can protect you, the beast promised again. You need never feel the separation of the ones who loved you and died or pushed you away.
Karra-Laren wanted so badly, more than anything, to feel nothing.
Chalatta, came the next thought. The beast had kept her from loving her daughter too. She wanted to feel affection for her daughter.
No, she told the beast, realizing the many times when she related to no one, including her daughter. I refuse to let you come between me and my daughter again.
Even if I eased the pain in your soul for losing Del? the beast purred. What would you give to feel nothing right now?
Refusing to answer she kept going, but at a walk, no longer a run, with the beast still trailing her, offering insults and suggestions. She tried to ignore it, tried to swallow her agony at losing Del, but she was at the end of her strength.
At the edge of the Second Level a sign beckoned. Zasha’s Tavern.
Karra-Laren stopped. She did not need the beast in order to feel nothing, she realized as she entered the bar.
Chapter 36
The guards spotted Laren as she ran across the pad, her B'anu silk gown flying, her hair coming loose. Tracers, designed to repeat whatever code she placed in the airway control panel, were readied. They raced after her, past startled bystanders to board the airway after her.
But instead of using the airway system, she flew down the walkway to the pad below, not even waiting for the stairs to form for her.
In the next pad, she slowed to a fast walk. For two hours she charged downward through the Third Level walkways.
"I think she's trying to wear us out," Motz panted.
"I think she's succeeding. We'll be two puddles of sweat in another hour."
"We'd have had an easier time following her if she'd taken the airway to the Second Level, since that seems to be where we are at the moment."
"She went into Zasha's," Berti said suddenly, changing direction.
Motz followed.
Laren ordered two drinks, tossed them down, then left. She continued walking in the same direction, but slower this time. She walked another hour before she stopped, again at a bar.
Laren sat at the counter, and ordered two more drinks, doubles this time. She spent more time drinking them before she left by the front door. She gave no indication she noticed either guard.
"Just like last time," Motz said.
Her next stop was somewhere in the First Level, long after dark, where she settled for some serious drinking. The guards, dressed as businessmen, as to be inconspicuous no matter where their employer planned to go, drew no attention here either, especially not Laren's. They ordered meals and kaffa, glancing at her periodically.
"We were off duty a while ago," Berti commented around a forkful of potatoes. "When's she gonna get tired and go home?"
“I don’t know.” Motz stabbed a bite of steak. "I need to call my sister, Berti. You want me to call Nansa for you?"
“Would you? Tell her whatever you tell Pollet, late engagement, whatever. I'd feel silly explaining we're under orders to watch the Lady get drunk and walk all over the City. Does it look like she's heading anywhere in particular to you?"
"No." Motz threw an irritated glance at Laren and went to the payvid on the wall to make calls. His sister was going to have trouble believing this one.
After the call he returned to his meal, annoyed that he had time to eat it.
When Laren left the bar, she walked
with her back as straight as a pole, her eyes fixed directly ahead. It was after midnight before she stopped again.
"Haven't you liked working for the Commissioner so far?" Motz asked his partner.
"Sure. At first, I was suspicious about taking a Security position in the private sector, thinking they’d want Nevians guarding them. But the pay was good, and I was always treated with respect. After a while, I found I honestly liked this Commissioner. Why?"
"And his Lady?"
"Well, she isn't necessarily friendly, but she's always polite. He likes her."
"Doesn't her behavior strike you as a bit odd for a Lady? I mean, why doesn't she just go to a nice Third Level lounge somewhere to get stupid-faced?"
"What are you saying, Motz?"
"I don't know. It's just all wrong."
By the time they reached street bottom of the First Level, not long before dawn, she ordered a whole bottle. She never opened it. Just as she rounded the building, she collapsed in the space beside the tavern.
Motz and Berti exchanged glances. Berti left to call the Commissioner.
"What did he say?" Motz asked sleepily when his partner returned.
"He asked us if we would stay with her awhile longer. No orders. A personal favor."
"And you said we would." Motz groaned and slid to the ground. "Do you know how long it has been since I slept in an alley? I swore once I got out of the Area I'd never sleep in a place without a bed again."
"There's a lesson in that—never swear. I'll take first watch. At dawn you watch. If I'm lucky she'll still be out and I'll get a couple of hours sleep too."
"Fine with me. You volunteered us." Motz made himself as comfortable as possible in the filthy alley, using the sleeve of his longcoat for a pillow and the remainder as a blanket.
His parents had died while he and his little sister were very young. He had grown up in alleys, grown up among Blades, and had kept his sister’s existence a secret from them. No Blades were female. Girls were used or sold or… Motz, even as young as he was, knew that what happened to girls was wrong. He had fought for every morsel of food, always giving her half. Then some well-meaning authorities took his sister to a children’s home, and Motz was on his own.
After they were both grown, he found her again. She lived in an Inner City apartment, woring as a teacher. She had a special place in her heart for children, which was evident as soon as he saw her. He watched her take a gaggle of youngsters on a field trip to a local museum. He studied the way the children looked up to her, realizing she had found her place in the world.
He hadn’t been looking for his sister. He had been on a kind of a holiday, touring the Inner City, pretending he lived there. The moment he saw her, he knew who she was, just as she had instantly recognized him. He followed her all that day, reluctant to come too close. He did not want the ugliness of his life to mar his baby sister, even though she was no longer a little girl.
That evening he approached her as she left the school and stood in line at the airway portal. She invited him to her apartment, and they had spent the whole night catching up on each other’s stories.
His stories were much darker, but Motz had never been caught for the numerous crimes he had committed while a Blade, even though many of his friends had. Too many of his friends had also died. He was not proud of his life, but he was alive because he had always been careful.
Why had she become a teacher, he finally asked.
“Because my brother kept me safe, even when nothing was safe around us. I wanted other children to feel safe, the way I always felt.”
That statement changed his life forever. Motz never returned to the Area, and until this moment, had never set his foot outside the Inner City.
At dawn she still slept. Morning brought the usual traffic and noises, but people passed her without noticing. A drunk or an addict unconscious beside a tavern was not that unusual. Motz did not need to wake Berti until halfway through the morning.
"So now what do we do?" Motz asked him.
"See where she goes. If she returns home, no problem. But if she doesn't, he wants us to ask her if she will. He says that guy she meets in the Garden is her brother, not her lover, and he blew up at her before he knew. He wants to apologize."
"But she might think she's been thrown away?"
"Yeah. Hey, take a look."
Laren stumbled to her feet, leaning on the wall for support, and retched. For several long moments, she wobbled on shaky legs, then wiped her face on her sleeve, no sign that she felt guilty for ruining the silk gown. Using the walls of the buildings on each side to steady her, she eased back into the shadows, but not so far that the guards could not see the folds of her dress and the darker shadow of her body.
Evidently, the space did not go back very far, or she might have tried for more privacy. But without shame, the young woman, who the two guards had considered a Lady, pulled her gown up to her knees, squatted, and urinated. Motz and Berti were astonished when they saw the puddle widening beyond the edge of her skirt. Several people backed away in disgust. In the Inner City, the action was a violation of the Public Decency Act. Had they worked for Commissioner A'nden in any other capacity, they would have had no choice but to arrest her. Surely, Motz thought, she knew as much. But Laren seemed not to care. With a rustle of silk she straightened and left the space, leaving both the bottle and her purse still on the ground.
Berti followed. Motz picked up her purse, glanced at the bottle, then left it to hurry after his partner and Mistress Laren.
"We're coming to the Area," Berti whispered as Motz pulled alongside.
Motz nodded. "Yeah. Home."
"Home?"
"Sure. That's what didn't make sense before. She was in the wrong place for her actions, but she's just as Area as I am. Berti, if you have a message from the Commissioner, now's the time to give it, before she finds other sleeping arrangements. Her kind never has trouble finding another man to take her in. My guess is, she'll have one by tonight."
Berti shook his head. "I wish he wasn't so stuck on her. Does he know she's just a street variety paygirl with fancy manners?"
"Don't think so. You know, they made quite a couple. She really knew how to play the Lady, didn't she?"
"Yeah," Berti said, smiling.
But when he turned to deliver his message, Laren was nowhere to be seen.
Chapter 37
When she glanced down the street again, she saw Motz and Berti talking between themselves, paying no attention to her. It was time. She slipped to the back of an alley and began running. She had not minded them following her all over the Inner City, but she was not about to take them on a tour of the Area.
A few buildings later, though, she stopped, too hung over to continue at a run. Slower, she relished the familiar smells and rubbled paths. Returning home eased the pain in her soul.
As the day wore on and her head began to clear, she tried to recall the moments before her flight. But Del's face kept flashing, dark with fury, each time she tried. All she knew for certain was that she had managed to keep the beast from killing him.
Afterwards, the beast had pursued her, a red storm chasing her through the Inner City walkways. The rest of the day was a blur with the two Security guards weaving in and out of it, Berti peering from a nearby table in a bar, Motz following at a discreet distance.
During her flight she had often heard the beast laugh, but from a growing distance. She had heard nothing from it for a long time now. Was it truly gone? It had been her tormentor, certainly, but it had also been her comforter, rewarding her with ice, cold, numbing, peaceful ice.
She had no comfort now. Without the beast she found herself unable to separate into Laren, letting Laren ache for Del, leaving Karra out of it. It disturbed her how much she had learned to like the Nevian she referred to as Laren’s. Why did you throw me away? she wanted to ask him. Why were you angry? But his every word was so shrouded in red and the screams of the beast, she could recall no
ne of them. She knew for certain that she would have killed Del if she had not run.
It had taken all her strength to shove the beast aside. Sadly, she had also shoved aside someone she had learned to love.
Late that afternoon she reached the back door of an apartment behind a particular shop, giving a special knock. She repeated the knock several minutes later. Just as she concluded that the residents must have moved, the door opened a crack—then swung wide.
"By Khaadi!" Berita exclaimed in Krindarwee. "It's been a long time, Kid!" And Karra found herself embraced in her friend’s massive bulk.
"Berita! Let me breathe!"
"Oh, sweetie." Berita held her out at arm's length. "Let me take a look at you. If you still erren't the prettiest thing. Still barebackin'?"
"Running. Don't know what I might be doing in a day or two." Berita's hair still stuck out in black, cloud-like wisps from under the scarf she always wore, her necklaces and bracelets still tinkled when she moved, and she still smelled like sweat, soap and garlic. It was nice.
"You'll be stayin' here, Kid. Right here."
A figure moved behind huge Krindarwee woman. "As long as you bring Tadessa."
"Chalatta," Karra corrected, and backed up, her eyes on the man behind Berita. Black eyes, rich brown skin, features of both delicacy and strength, he was as attractive as ever, and she wanted to curse him for it. "There'll be conditions, Snake."
"Inside," he ordered.
She stepped inside the kitchen. Before she spoke she pulled a bottle of local brown from the cupboard and poured herself a glass, almost hoping the homemade whisky was poison.
Snake sat on a cushion across the low table from her. "I have much to teach her. As the Krindarwee Tadessa, she must be prepared for her role."
"Half," Karra said. "She's half Irelli and Zarindan too."
"She needs to know who she is," Snake insisted, softer. "So do you." He touched her hand. The sudden energy from his tremendous Talent surged between them. Karra jerked back.
Her Darkest Beauty_An Alien Invasion Series_The Second Generation Page 30