Holier Than Thou (The Tome of Bill)

by Rick Gualtieri

  That being done, I took Ed from Sheila, lightening her load so that she didn’t run the risk of falling behind. I’m no hero. I won’t stake my life on the whole all of us get out or none of us do stratagem, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to try. Gan aside, perhaps, I didn’t consider any of our number to be expendable. My conscience from this whole affair was muddied enough. I didn’t want any further tragedy weighing it down.

  By the time we reached the rooftop, Christy looked like she was ready to puke...not an ideal outcome considering she was the vanguard of our upwardly mobile group. Fortunately, she managed to refrain from raining magical stomach nuggets down on us. I could only imagine what Sally would have said at that. Stab her, burn her, or beat her and the reactions were tolerable. Mess up her look, though, and...well, I’d sooner take my chances surrendering to Remington.

  Gan waited for us at the top. As the last of us exited the stairwell, she moved to guard the door. I was about to ask if she could perhaps do something to jam it shut, but she was way ahead of me. She snapped off the handle on the inside of the door, slammed it closed and grabbed hold of the frame on either side of it. I was tempted to ask what she was doing, but then I heard the squeal of metal. Hot damn! In a move straight out of a comic book, she bent the frame in, deforming it enough so that it would be near impossible to open without breaking through. It wouldn’t stop our pursuers for long, but it would give us a few minutes.

  I took a look around. The snow storm had intensified since we had last been outside. It looked like blizzard conditions were settling in, coupled - of course - with the occasional flash of unnaturally colored lightning. There was at least one plus, though. Whatever happened up there would be difficult for outsiders to see. It wasn’t much, but at least we wouldn’t end up on the eleven o’clock news.

  My oh-so-important check on the weather done, I turned to bark out orders to my group.

  “Sally, you cover the door with Gan. Feel free to give anyone who knocks some fifty-caliber foreplay.”

  “My favorite kind,” she purred.

  “Sheila,” I said, gently laying Ed’s still form down on the cold wet rooftop. “Can you...”

  “Already on it,” she replied, kneeling by his side. She removed her cloak and placed it over him to try and keep him warm. Hopefully her healing touch wouldn’t be too late.

  “Christy, can you...I don’t know...fix Tom somehow?”

  “Yes, but not here. It’s going to take time.”

  “Fuck. Nothing you can do in the short term?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe a big enough shock would clear his head temporarily, but I can’t be sure.”

  “We should kill the human,” Gan said emotionlessly. “He will only serve to betray us.”

  “Don’t start,” I growled, before turning back to Christy, partially to make sure she wasn’t about to blast the little psycho. “Leave him be. If we can’t take care of it here, then don’t try waking him up.”

  Orders given, I took a few seconds to scan the nearby rooftops. Nothing was even close to level with ours. It was either a fifty foot climb up to the next or an even bigger drop on the other side. Motherfucker!

  I walked back over to Christy. “Think you can maybe apparate us out of here?”

  “I keep telling you it’s not called that.”

  “Sorry, Hermoine. Fine, teleport, transport, whatever the fuck.”

  She thought for a moment, then shook her head. “I might be able to send myself. Maybe I can take one other person with me, but it’s a risk either way. I’m still kinda shaky.”

  Remembering an early scene from Star Trek the Motion Picture, I shuddered. “Okay, catch your breath. We’ll save that option for last. If need-be, we can...”

  “Bill!” Sheila cried. I turned to find her with two fingers pressed to Ed’s still oozing neck. My heart sank as I knew what she was about to say.

  “His heart...it stopped beating.”

  Destiny’s Red-Headed Stepchild

  Oh god, no! “Sally!”

  She was there in an instant, leaving Gan to guard the doorway alone. Kneeling, she examined Ed.

  “He’s started changing,” she said. It was always hard to tell with Sally, but I could have sworn there was a look of worry in her eye. Maybe she had taken more than a casual liking to him after all.

  I turned to Sheila. “Can you help him?”

  For perhaps the first time since we had reconnected, there was a look of actual doubt in her eye. “I...I’m not sure.”

  “Leave him, beloved,” Gan called over, keeping her eyes on the door in front of her. It wouldn’t be long now. My sensitive vampire ears could hear pounding on the stairs. They were coming. “He shall wake up in darkness and be one of us.”

  I thought about that. She was right. It wasn’t necessarily the end for Ed. Still, I considered my current life. I at least had the advantage of being immune to vampire compulsion. Ed would be easily controlled. Sure, I might do it a few times just to dick with him, but it would only be for laughs. Other vamps didn’t have quite that sense of humor. I didn’t want that life for him. There was also his waking state to think of. Some took the transition to vampire better than others. There was a chance Ed could rise up completely feral. If so, that could end badly for a lot of us.

  I opened my mouth to voice my opinion, but Sally spoke first.

  “Can you try?”

  I opened my eyes wide, and she met my glance. “He’d make a shitty vampire anyway. It’s much more fun to lord it over him as a human.” She tried to make her voice sound casual, but I could tell it was an act. I smiled at her and, to my surprise, she returned the expression. Gotta love sharing a moment. I just wished it would happen at times that didn’t involve imminent death.

  “Please do what you can,” I said to Sheila.

  “I don’t know, Bill...”

  “I do.” I locked eyes with her. “I once said I believed in you. I meant it. I still do.”

  Now it was her turn to smile. God, she was radiant. Forget burning at her touch - the look on her face was enough to make me melt. Once more, I found myself cursing fate that times like these only seem to happen when I’m just about to get a new asshole torn.

  A soft glow began to emanate from her. It wasn’t very bright, but I could feel her power even from where I knelt. Hefting Ed’s shotgun, I nodded to Sally and stood up. The most we could do there was get barbecued if her powers flared. We would be best served standing guard with Gan. We could give Sheila a few extra minutes to work her magic, while at the same time welcoming Remington’s goons with a twenty-one gun salute.

  * * *

  We didn’t have to wait long. Footsteps sounded on the other side of the door. A moment later, there was a loud thud, followed by a fist shaped dent appearing on our end.

  “You know how to handle that piece?” Sally asked.

  “Nope, but how hard could it be?”

  Even amidst the impending danger, she was able to spare me an eye-roll. Nice to know some things never changed.

  A sharp sizzling noise caught my ears from behind. I quickly panned my head and saw...well, I’m not sure. Sheila had her hands pressed to Ed’s neck, but was having a hard time at it as his body had begun to convulse. Christy left Tom’s side to come over and try to hold him down. I was tempted to help her, but more of our foes hammered the door. It began to bow inward.

  Gan’s claws extended, ready to meet the oncoming rush.

  “Stand back,” I warned, raising the shotgun.

  “You need not explain the obvious, beloved,” she replied. “I merely prepare for when they get past you.” Gotta love her confidence in me.

  “Sally?”

  “Wait for it. Let them get nice and tightly packed...now!”

  * * *

  The poor door - vampires pounding on it from one side, us blasting away with heavy ordinance on the other. It never stood a chance. Pity it wasn’t the one we were trying to beat in this fight, otherwise this would hav
e been a cakewalk.

  Just for the record, I really need to take some shooting lessons - or stay the hell away from guns altogether.

  After I got used to the recoil from Ed’s shotgun, my first blast doing little more than blowing a chunk off the corner of the door, I quickly emptied it - firing shot after shot, feeling like a badass as I pumped the chamber. Of course, that resulted in a big hole in the door, maybe one or two vamps taken out of the mix, and a dry click as I realized I didn’t grab any spare ammo when we left the safe house.

  “Just like a man to blow his load quickly,” Sally commented, continuing to squeeze off tightly controlled shots.

  “Blow this,” I snapped, swinging the gun around and driving the butt of it into the face of the next vamp who tried to get through. Unfortunately that didn’t end quite as awesomely as I had hoped. A hand shot through the broken door, grabbed the stock and shattered it. Damn. Ed was gonna be pissed when he...if he...oh crap!

  In between the thunderous report of Sally’s mini-cannon, I turned and shouted over to Sheila, “How is he?”

  She looked up, tears in her eyes. “I don’t know.”

  * * *

  Gan stepped up to the door and started kicking ass, giving Sally a chance to slam home a fresh clip.

  “Go check on him. We’ve got this,” she said.

  “Are you...”

  “Go!”

  That got me moving.

  Sheila and Christy were dragging Ed over to the side, making sure he was out of harm’s way at least for the first assault.

  “What happened?” I asked, fearing the worst.

  “We’re not sure,” Christy said.

  “I put my hands on his neck, but it wasn’t like last time. His skin started smoking and there were sparks.”

  “Is he...?”

  “No,” Sheila replied, still sounding uncertain. “I was afraid that might happen, or that maybe he was too far gone, but then he took a breath and his heart started beating again.”

  I let out a breath of my own, feeling my eyes getting misty. “So he’s going to be all right?”

  “Like I said, I don’t know. He’s still out cold and then there’s this.” She indicated Ed’s throat. Gone was the wound, but what was left in its place wasn’t exactly inspiring confidence. An ugly burn in the shape of Sheila’s hand covered the side of his neck.

  “What the hell?”

  “No idea.”

  “Me neither,” Christy said. “I don’t think we’re going to know for sure until he wakes up.”

  “DROP YOUR WEAPON!!”

  Oh shit! Remington was doing it again. The compulsion didn’t wash over me as loudly as some of the earlier ones had. It had been focused...Sally!

  I spun just as Gan commanded, “DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM!!” but it was too late. Remington’s command had done its job. The distraction allowed his men to pour through the small opening. Three of them tackled Gan. She immediately threw two off, but she couldn’t fight them and continue guarding the door.

  “Christy, please watch over Ed.”

  “I can...”

  “I know,” I replied. “Blast anyone who gets too close.”

  Sheila stepped toward me. “I’m with you. Don’t even think of telling me to stay back.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it,” I said with a smile. If I was going out, I could think of nobody else I’d rather have at my side. “Let’s show them what legends are made of.”

  * * *

  Perhaps that last line was a tad arrogant. Apparently, the first thing a legend is made of is their big mouth. I caught one square on the kisser from one of Remington’s goons. It hurt, but didn’t put me down. If I had learned nothing else from my short tenure as a vampire, it was how to take a punch. Luckily, the vamp who hit me wasn’t all that strong. I had taken worse.

  He followed up with his left, brandishing one of those silver stakes, but I saw it coming, caught his arm and used his own momentum to swing him around, right into Sheila.

  He fell into her waiting arms which she used to grasp the sides of his head. The white glow enveloped her body and within a moment - *poof*.

  “Holy fuck,” I cried. “Remind me not to piss you off.”

  “I’m a woman. You should know that already,” she replied with a laugh before launching herself into the fray.

  I grabbed the stake from the recently dusted vamp and followed her, taking a quick survey of our odds.

  They didn’t look great. Five of us versus a dozen or so vamps and three witches. *BANG!* Make that two witches. Sally had recovered her weapon and used it to ventilate a four inch hole in the chest of one of Christy’s former coven sisters.

  Speaking of which, I looked back over my shoulder to check on our magic-using ally. She was good to her word. She had surrounded herself and Ed with a purplish force field or some such. One vampire threw himself into it and was flung back as if from a catapult. That would do nicely. Hopefully we could handle the rest.

  I came up behind a vamp that was trying to flank Sally and shanked him through the spine with the stake. Not the most sporting thing to do, but screw them. As Sally once told me, vampires have a very liberal view on what constitutes a fair fight.

  As he disintegrated in a shower of dust and sparks, an unholy screech filled the night. Gan was back on her feet, and she was not happy. Two of Remington’s vampires fell aside, their throats torn out as testament to that. Hmrph, show off.

  It was utter mayhem on a roof where the most exciting thing in recent past was probably some occasional nude moonbathing by my coven. Damn my libido! Why did I have to think of that right at that moment? The momentary distraction allowed another of the vampires to close on me and rake his claws painfully across my chest, drawing a spray of blood. I decked him right back, using the stake like a makeshift club.

  A flash of light caught my eye as the remaining two witches engaged Sheila. They were pummeling her with rays of red energy. Both screamed out a chorus of curses as her faith aura sprang to life, easily blocking their own power. Talk about middle finger of death. Sheila didn’t have the same offensive capabilities as they did, but she was a tank when it came to absorbing punishment.

  Speaking of punishment, that was exactly what Sally dished out. Flipping her gun around, she used it to smash the face of another vampire who was within reach. Hope the Draculas had a good dental plan.

  OOMPH! Double that, because I was gonna need it next. In the chaos of the fight, I had missed Remington. Unfortunately, he hadn’t missed me. A blow connected with the side of my head, sending me flying. I landed hard, skidding across the slick rooftop.

  “I think I shall amend my plans, Freewill,” he spat. “Damn your place in the coming war. You have proven far too annoying to live.”

  * * *

  Out of the corner of my eye, one of the frustrated witches turned away from Sheila and attempted to blast Gan instead. Sadly, for their side, Gan was far too fast. She grabbed one of Remington’s vamps and dragged him in front of her, using him as an inhuman shield. She was doing a damn good job of evening the sides.

  That was all the attention I could spare her, though. Tenuous footing or not, Remington closed the gap between us with frightening speed. I had barely gotten to my feet when he appeared right in front of me.

  Fortunately, I was no slouch either. I threw a punch which connected squarely with his jaw. Take that, fucker!

  And take it he did. He barely flinched - not even a step back to make me feel a little better. That didn’t bode well. I realized I had been getting arrogant about these things. I had been dealing with so many ancient horrors as of late that I forgot how big a threat a vampire of Remington’s age could be. Jeff, the former leader of my coven, had been a measly one-hundred and twenty years old and had thoroughly mopped the floor with my ass when we finally tussled. Judging by his little compulsion game with Gan, Remington was about three times that.

  I needed to tip the odds. Thankfully, as the vampire Freewill, that’s one
of the things I do best...aside maybe from getting sucked into stupid-ass prophecies against my will.

  I swung the stake at Remington, fully expecting him to block me...which he did. When he grabbed hold of my arm, I pulled him in, preparing to take a bite. He was expecting that too, though. He other arm shot out and caught me by the throat, squeezing until I felt my air cut off.

  “Did you think I wouldn’t have read your file, Freewill? I am not a rank amateur like some of us here. What good is your much vaunted power now? What use is your ability to resist compulsion? Where is your beloved destiny?”

  Beloved? He must’ve been talking about some other Freewill. It was of little matter, though. Arrogance, coupled with idiotic monologues, was a staple of vampires over a century old. Oh they so loved to hear themselves talk. Me? Well okay, I liked hearing my own voice too, but since this guy was currently wringing my neck, that meant I needed to be a man of action (ooh, I liked how that sounded).

  Time for the old standby...a knee to the crotch.

  *BLAM!*

  Remington’s shoulder exploded in a spray of blood and muscle. His scream was almost enough to mask the whine of the heavy caliber bullet which exited his body and passed by so close that I felt my hair move.

  “You’re welcome!” Sally yelled out.

  “I had it under control,” I gasped once Remington let me go. “I could’ve...”

  Well, maybe I didn’t. Even in his wounded state, he backhanded me with his undamaged arm, once more sending me to the ground.

  I landed and even amidst the storm, the crackling of energy, and gunshots; I heard his footsteps approaching. He meant to finish the job.

  Pity for him that I had no intention of letting that happen. I dug into my pocket for the secret weapon I had brought. It was time to play my trump card.

  Top Of The World, Ma

  “Take this, Dr. Death,” Gan had said, pulling me aside just as we were leaving the safe house.

  “What is it?” I asked, trying my best to conceal a sigh. I figured she was trying to give me an engagement ring or maybe her favorite dolly.