“Could it be getting stronger?”
Autumn nods. “I’m afraid that it is. Even the emotions and images I receive feel more alive and seem to weigh me down. Now, days after leaving Mongolia, I can still feel the heaviness of what I witnessed. I feel as though I’m standing on a very thin precipice looking over the edge into pure insanity and one more tumultuous insight will thrust me over the edge, into the pain and grief for eternity and I’ll never return.” Tears have rolled down her cheeks before she recognises their existence.
Jet lifts his thumb to her cheek and rubs the tears gently from her face. He pulls her into his arms, nestling her head under his chin. “I’m here for you. I will never let you fall.”
“I’m not sure this is something you can control.”
“Perhaps not. But I’ll sure as hell try.”
After minutes seamlessly glide from the present into the past, Autumn lifts her head from Jet’s chest and takes another look at her beautiful surroundings. “There is no more beautiful place than here. Thank you. Thank you for bringing me here. I will never in my life forget it.”
He extends his arm around her shoulder. “I’m glad you like it.”
“And yes, Jet. You’ve fulfilled your promise and I couldn’t be more grateful.”
Autumn purchases a pair of red gloves on the way home from the gardens, content to be experiencing a temperature that calls for them to be worn. For the remaining two days in Japan, she wears them continually outside of the confines of their hotel room, blocking out anything that would contribute to the imminent crumble of that thin cliff upon which she stands so precariously; the only ledge above the swirling gloom below, possessed of a thousand and one torturous memories and not one her own.
Chapter 26
Autumn expects to wake to an empty bed. She knows that Jet is restless if he isn’t occupied, and sleep isn’t enough to occupy him. She finds him in the lounge, drinking a hot mug of coffee, typing emails on the laptop he has spread across his lap. He is already dressed, his hair combed, chin shaved, his shirt and pants bright and ironed.
Meanwhile, she is still wearing her silk nightie, hair matted as it clings around her shoulders. She yawns, glances at the time on her watch—a little past six o’clock. Her mind still feels heavy from the sleeping pill she swallowed just before she closed her eyes last night, as though a thick, dark cloud has drifted in and settled around her head. She slept well, but it didn’t stop the dreams.
Jet raises his buttery eyes as she pads towards him. He smiles, lifts his laptop from his lap and rests it on the coffee table. He pats his knees, like a father would to a child. She smiles and sits on his lap welcoming his arms, which wrap firmly around her waist and pull her against him.
“Did you sleep well?”
She nuzzles her head into the curve of his neck. “Yes and no.” Her eyes close, fighting for more sleep.
“You were talking in your sleep again last night,” he says.
She sits up; looks at him. He devastates her, seeing each morning afresh how utterly breathtaking he is. “I didn’t keep you up did I?”
“Not really.” He bites at her neck and immediately stiffens beneath her, pressing against her arse.
“It doesn’t take much,” she says, grinning.
He trails his hand up her long thigh, over her silk covered waist, breast. He grows even harder; still nips at the flesh of her throat.
“This is why we need to wake up together—so you can get all this pent-up morning angst out and save yourself getting dressed twice.”
He groans against her ear. “I’d love to rip that nightie off you this very second, but Scott’s on his way to pick me up. We’ll have to continue this at a later date.”
She offers a pouty frown. “You were going to leave for work without me?”
He draws in a loud breath. “Yes, because I wanted you to sleep. You need it; you’ve been so restless since we got home. And plus, I have a proposition.”
One eyebrow arches. “Yes?”
“I’m thinking you should take the week off. Recharge yourself after the trip. It was tough on you mentally. You’ve more to deal with than me when it comes to truly understanding what those children have been through.”
She frowns. “Are you trying to hide me?”
He grins. “No. I just think you’d benefit from the relaxation. And, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt that I handle whatever fallout might still be lingering in the office after the newspaper ordeal. What do you think?”
She inclines her head to the ceiling and closes her eyes. It would be nice to take the week off and simply relax. Even now, the things she saw in Mongolia, the death of Andrew, Oyunbileg’s history, the terrible, terrible dreams that have racked her since, have added weight, if not to her body, to her soul. She peers back at Jet and nods slowly. “I think it’s a good idea. I’m really not ready to confront the office quite yet.”
He kisses her forehead, his lips still grazing her skin as he says, “I think you should use the time to make peace with your mother, too.”
Autumn pulls away from him and grins. “Aren’t you demanding this morning?”
He smiles, but she can see it’s strained. “I’m only thinking of you. You can’t be feeling great after leaving on such bad terms. While things are changing for you and you’re trying to cope with it, you may find her ear comforting.”
Autumn’s jaw clenches; she narrows her eyes. “It’s really up to her to make peace with me.”
Jet sighs. “Come on, Autumn. Does she even know you’re home from Mongolia?”
“Yes.”
Jet glares at her.
“I told Jordy. He would have told her I made it back safely.”
“That’s not the same and you know it. I really don’t want to be the cause of friction between you two.”
“You’re not the cause.”
“You know what I mean.”
Autumn closes her eyes and breathes in deeply. “Yes. I know what you mean. I’ll make peace, but only to keep the peace between you and me.”
He kisses her on the lips and his phone vibrates. “That’s Scott,” he says. “He’s waiting for me out front.” Jet pulls the low neckline of her negligee away from her chest and peeks down at her bare breasts. “We’ll definitely pick this up again later.”
She smiles. “I’ll hold you to it.”
Autumn dresses and catches a cab back to her apartment. Comfort oozes through her body and relaxes her. It feels safe, familiar, in her home. Jace has already left for work, so it leaves only her and Tae to catch-up—an intimate, bare conversation.
Though Autumn was gone for only ten days, she feels she has lived ten years on that trip to Mongolia and Tokyo, the details of which she shares with Tae while they eat Vegemite toast and drink instant coffee.
“You wanted to bring the baby home?” asks Tae, one eyebrow arched.
Autumn nods.
“And how did Jet feel about that?”
Autumn shrugs. “He said no, of course. It was a spontaneous request and I don’t think he gave it any weight. But in Japan, he sensed my seriousness and said he would adopt a baby with me, if that’s what I wanted.”
“But it would be such an immense responsibility caring for an orphan, and your relationship is still so new. What if he doesn’t stick around? I mean really, are you sure you would cope?”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“I’m not trying to be nasty. But these children are more challenging than your normal garden variety—they have development problems, trouble sleeping. And besides all that, I sense something’s different about you.”
“Really?”
Tae nods. “I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like maybe—maybe you’ve lost some of your strength.”
Autumn feels tears tightening the walls of her throat before they find their way to her eyes. Is it that obvious? She stands and turns her head before Tae can see the glaze of her eyes. Carrying her empty plate into the kitch
en, she sucks in calming lungfuls of air and blinks rapidly. When she sits across from Tae again, she has regained a modicum of composure.
“I just feel stressed from all that’s happening with Jet and work and with my Mum.”
Tae nods. “Sure. That’s all it is. I’m sure you’ll be back to your old self in no time.”
Autumn is able to swallow most of her stubbornness, as she pulls into her parents’ driveway. Her mother is outside on the front doorstep before she has even disentangled herself from the seatbelt. She walks slowly to meet her. Be more understanding. Be more understanding.
“Hi, Mum,” she says, wrapping her arms quickly around Mrs Leone’s shoulders.
“Jordy told me you were home.” Mrs Leone is studying Autumn hard, her eyes probing her eyes, face, the way she holds her body. If she knew she was going to be scrutinised she wouldn’t have come, but she pushes down her belligerence with a single gulp that burns all the way down her throat.
“Yes. We got back early Saturday morning.”
Mrs Leone leads her inside to the kitchen. “Have you had lunch?”
“Not yet.”
“I’ll fix us some lunch and you can tell me all about your trip.”
As Mrs Leone makes pasta bake, Autumn tells her all about the orphanage. But what is it about mothers and their skill at offering an unspoken sympathy that draws out freshly cut grief from one’s body, despite the lengths taken to suppress it? Autumn could kick herself for choking up when she tells her mum about Oyunbileg. Of all the moments.
“I worry about you, Autumn. God knows how you worry me. You can be so stubborn and it will come back and bite you.”
“I don’t want you to worry about me.”
Mrs Leone sits on the bar stool beside Autumn and frowns. Her chest rises with a deep intake of air. “I’ve never told you this before, but I’m going to tell you it now because I think you can learn something from it.”
Autumn shifts in her chair; fidgets with her fingers.
“Your father and I were so much in love, almost from the moment we met. It didn’t take long for him to propose and for us to get married. I was so young, nineteen years old, but I knew there was no-one else on this Earth who I would ever want to be with more. And I knew, without any doubt, he felt the same way.
“A few years into the marriage I wanted to have children.” She grins whimsically. “I’ve wanted children ever since I was a little girl. It’s not some people’s aspiration and that’s fine, but it was mine. So I suggested to your father that we should start a family.” Mrs Leone lowers her gaze to the bench-top for several heart beats before raising her eyes back to Autumn. “Your father said he didn’t want children and absolutely nothing I could say would change his mind.”
Her voice grows louder, her neck straining as old emotions surface, even these many years later. “I was so angry with him. This is something he should have told me before I had committed years of my life to him. He should have told me before I fell in love with him. I just felt so betrayed and I couldn’t shake my resentment. I detested him for stealing my choice to have children.”
“But he had a choice to not have kids, as well.”
Mrs Leone nods. “Yes, he did, and that’s why I made the decision to leave him.”
Autumn gasps. “You separated?”
“Yes. I went back and lived with my mum and dad. I was still young, I could start fresh.”
“Obviously Dad changed his mind?” says Autumn. “Unless you’re trying to tell me Dad’s not really my dad.” Autumn throws her hand over her mouth. “Oh God, that’s not what you’re trying to tell me, is it?”
Mrs Leone laughs. “You’re such a bloody drama queen. No, Autumn, I’m not trying to tell you that. Your father eventually realised that he loved me so much he was willing to concede. He came around in his car early one Saturday morning after six months of being apart, packed my suitcase himself and threw it the trunk of his car. He pulled me by my arm to his car and sat me bodily in the passenger seat. He said, ‘I’ll have children, but if you ever leave me again I won’t be so compromising’.” Mrs Leone chuckles. “So, nine months later you were born and, despite your father never having wanted children, he cried like a baby when he first held you in his arms. You looked up into his eyes, wrapped your little hand around his thumb and wouldn’t let him go.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to commit so much energy to Jet and find out some years down the road that perhaps you’ve made a mistake. I was lucky, your father had the ability to produce children, but Jet doesn’t. And the way you’re reacting to this little baby in Mongolia, indicates to me that somewhere deep inside you is your maternal side.”
“But I love Jet. And honestly, Mum, I don’t care if I never have my own child. I’d be happy to adopt and so would Jet.”
Mrs Leone’s eyes widen. “He said that?”
Autumn nods.
Mrs Leone is quiet as she checks on the pasta bake cooking in the oven. She turns to Autumn, hands on hips and smiles. “Well, I guess that gives you something to think about.”
Chapter 27
The office is empty, still shadowed in darkness, though she knows Jet will be here and Scott won’t be too far away either. For her first day back, after almost three weeks off, she has stockpiled on coffee, carrying a double-shot latte in one hand for herself and, in the other, a flat white for Jet.
A loud clang sounds. Autumn’s attention flickers to the find the source. Jet’s office door opens and angry footsteps clicking against the high-polished timber floor proceed there from. Tanya.
Of course, she’s back from South Africa today.
Tanya is six-foot tall, incredibly imposing not only in physique, but also in character. She is loud spoken, uses quick, sweeping hand gestures when she speaks and every movement seems backed by incredible effort.
“Oh, and speak of the devil,” Tanya says, scowling as her eyes meet Autumn’s. Tanya doesn’t slow down as they near each other in the hall. “Nice of you to buy your boyfriend a coffee, but from what I’ve heard you’ve had to give him a little more than that to weasel your way up the ladder.”
Autumn opens her mouth, although nothing but warm breath makes it past her lips. Only the stirred air as Tanya rushes past prickles Autumn’s skin and even that is thick with the sour scent of her dominance.
“Bitch,” Autumn hisses under her breath as she keeps moving towards Jet’s door. He is standing there when she looks up.
He rolls his eyes and nods towards his office. She follows him inside.
“What did she just say to you?”
Autumn hands him his coffee. “It’s not worth repeating. Some smart-arse comment about our relationship.”
“She has a dark soul that one.”
“Yeah, I often wondered how she ever got hired into a company like this.”
Jet smiles. “A great social veneer.”
Autumn scoffs and plonks down into the chair at his desk. “That must have lasted as long the job interview.”
Jet sits back against the end of the desk facing her; peers down at her hands dressed in red, only now noticing her gloves. “Are you seriously going to wear those all day?” he asks.
Autumn shrugs. “If I have to.”
He shakes his head and smiles; leans towards her and kisses her on the forehead.
“You won’t have to put up with Tanya for any longer.”
“You fired her?”
“Nope, she just resigned. I’m paying her out for the month’s notice she would otherwise had to have given.”
Autumn’s eyes are round circles. “She resigned?”
Jet smiles and slowly nods his head.
“Well, that’s an unexpected positive outcome.”
“She says she doesn’t want to work for a man who so publicly takes advantage of career-thirsty, younger women.”
Autumn nearly spits out her mouthful of coffee. She coughs between giggles. “Career-thirsty?”
<
br /> “I was happy to take the jibe if it means she leaves quietly. She’s packing up her office as we speak and I gave her a voucher for a taxi home. Hopefully she’s gone before the rest of the staff get here. I don’t want her creating a stir. There has already been enough of that the last few weeks.”
Autumn’s mouth tightens. Jet had said all went smoothly last week on that front, but no staff member, other than Tanya, is irrational enough to comment on the boss’s romantic affairs to his face.
“So will we announce today to the team that you are now manager of Stark Consulting?” he says, grinning.
Her stomach tenses and she can feel heat rising from her collarbones and up her neck. “Um, about that.”
Jet draws his lips into a grim line. “You don’t want to be manager?”
Autumn shakes her head, unable to look at him and recognise disappointment in his eyes. “I—with everything that has happened, with the way my insight has changed, I can’t handle it. And then, with me being in a relationship with you, and having to deal with the snide comments from the rest of the staff on top of it all. I—I just can’t. I’m really sorry.”
She feels Jet’s tender hands frame her face and he tilts her head up so she has to look at him. She hadn’t noticed tears had fallen down her cheeks until his attentive thumbs wipe them away.
“Autumn, please don’t get upset.” He kisses her lips. “It’s fine if you don’t want to be manager. I thought I’d see if you’d changed your mind. That’s all. I understand, to an extent, how difficult it is for you at the moment.”
Autumn releases a long breath and closes her eyes. “Thank you.”
He grins, strokes loose strands of hair behind her ear. “I have a plan B up my sleeve for you.”
“What?”
“How would you feel about heading my international aide branch? Very limited face-to-face contact with people, but a job far more important than manager of Stark Consulting.”
Autumn smiles and nods. “That sounds like something I’d love to do.”
He kisses her gently on the lips. “Good.” He sits upright and looks down at her, his expression serious. “I only want you to be happy. Don’t ever think I’ll pressure you into doing something you can’t cope with.”
The Paler Shade Of Autumn Page 22